This is my first blog ever! What I envision for this effort is to help myself sort out what I see as my sexuality. I will attempt to achieve this in a number of forms...self identification, stream of thought ramblings, letters to a woman that does not exist at this time, confiding in brothers and sisters that I have not met yet.

To begin with: I am a 49 year old male who is recently divorced from my second marriage. Prior to my first marriage I was with a woman who I would consider my first love. She was someone I met right after I graduated from secondary school when I moved to the United States. I was so shy, but when I saw her the first time, I had this ache that never seemed to go away. Finally and purely by accident, I met her and was astonished at how easily she spoke to me and seemed to want to know me even better!!! It did not take long before we started dating, and in a week, she asked me if I wanted to make love to her. This pretty much changed my life as I had known it up to that point, and we subsequently fell in love. We were together for a couple of years, and sadly I started hanging out with a friend who was a Chef at the same place where I cooked. He and I were complete workaholics and recreational drug users...and I have to be honest that I fell "in love" with that lifestyle, and it completely replaced being with my girlfriend.

I of course lost her to a man that wanted to give her his undivided attention and affection. I was devistated when I realised what I had done, and fell into a rather deep depression. On the heels of that disaster, I curiously kept on with my other habits, but shagged every female within grasp. This went on for a couple of years until I met another woman who worked at the same hotel as I. After one date, we developed a very intense and non-stop sexual relationship that was not even remotely concerned with traditional dating and friendship...we just shagged like we were getting paid for it.

Without detailing anything more...it just seems that I have a life history of great starts, followed by frequent distractions. I don't mean for it to be that way, but it just seems that my best opening play, is (or was) sex.

After a couple of decades of this....and the most tragic moment in my life ever that crushes me to this very day...I met wife #2. I was determined to not follow the inattentiveness of my past relationships, and devote my all to this woman. It bears mentioning that we met under less than admirable circumstances. I had sunk to the lowest part of a person's life that can possibly be imagined, and felt that I was unworthy to even disgrace the company of worms and bugs....and felt "that no decent woman would ever have me" <<<I actually told this to my future wife before I proposed!!!! But she had been through so many horrible relationships that she felt the same about herself....and we decided that being married was much better than being alone.

I gave everything I could, but due to her very serious health issues, she became increasingly dependent on painkillers and alcohol...to the point where she was literally in a zombie state night and day. In the eleven years we were married, we had sex a total of 7 times (I am SO NOT LYING!). It was during this marriage that I became quite ill from combat injuries sustained during Desert Storm, and developed two diseases that have a known history of leading to impotency, both in and of themselves, but also from the meds prescribed to treat them. So not only was there no sex, but not even the slightest hint of intimacy or affection...not even hand holding or a meaningful kiss.

So here I am many years down the road. I am old, penis can get quite hard, but requires a ring to keep it that way.....and a self esteem that is rock bottom. Add to this a past that is at best, shameful...despite the fact that with absolute conviction, I can say at this time, that I am the best man I can possibly be, and am exceedingly proud of who and where I am in this world. Sadly, I am lonely....extremely lonely. I am filled with desire, not only for my own ends....but eight times more for the pleasure and fulfillment of a special someone.

I absolutely refuse to go out and seek casual sex...I would much rather just engage in self pleasure than do that. WHY? Simple, it has never once worked for me in 30 years. I would rather not ever have sex again than to light another candle that will just burn off when the thrill of "first sex" wears off. If I am to be blessed with the company of another woman, it needs to be for the remainder of my life...I will just settle for nothing less....and if I do, I will be more than able to just be alone.

Perhaps I'm just lost in time...a romantic come lately that is trapped in a world of instant gratification and cheaply sold honour...who knows.

Well, there is my opening salvo. I'm not doing this so much for response or any form of validation, as I am merely getting this out of my soul and "on paper". I do value input, but only God knows the way life shall be for me, and I just have to be patient and see what that brings.