Started PE again. No damage below. My morning wood has vanished though the past few days.

All the confidence training is going well. My voice is actually deeper now after 200% conscious effort day after day. I stand taller too with the same effort.

I dunno, I feel a bit bummed. Like can I actually be bothered going through this to get with a chick? So much effort. Then again I'm doing all this for myself for all aspects of my life, not just to get a woman.

The ones I have been with in the past have not really been that good. And sometimes I have jumped into something instead of assessing the situation -rebounds etc. That was a case with the last one. 110% my fault, although not a rebound per se - I had a couple of months while I got over the damage from the previous one. I was in love with the idea of being with someone. Particularly a girl I was working with at the time. I was leaving the job soon anyway and was kinda excited about a new beginning. So we started going out. We would always work together. And so we would talk. Made arrangements to hang out.

I never had an actual "office romance" before and so it was kinda difficult for me. I guess cos it was a new situation. I finished there, we continued to date. I was stressed. Anxious every time it came to sex. I struggled to get aroused. Which fed the cycle even more. Maybe twice out of the 5 months we together did we made love and it wasnt that good. She could have done more maybe. But really it was me. I was stupid for putting her through that.

Certain events through the year just ate away at my confidence leaving me as a shell. Which I didn't really notice at the time, only really now looking back. I just didn't feel good really. And right now thinking about it I'm not my usual chill happy self. I started getting a bit down and out - not depressed - just not as upbeat as I am normally. I should have had the balls to tell her look i'm going through a tough patch and I need time to myself. I let it fizzle and then she called it quits. Which I don't blame her at all.

I want to blame the year. It was a fucking train wreck for me. I quit that job because it was kiling me with boredom. So easy though. Shit money. I wanted to learn to weld. But I have sensitve eyes and it affects them badly and it was really stressful trying to get shit done in time. I was still with her. But I was stressed from all the bullshit around me and it was even hard to just take time out to meditate/walk and relax I was so tense and angry.

Anyway. Same old patterns, and not so good decisions. I'm not depressed now. Just taking a big time out, de stress and doing confidence bulding on the inside and PE on the outside so I do have I am able to start and finish things and not just sit and be a wimp and blame circumstances for short comings. I can be a pussy sometimes. I act really beta at times. The sad thing is I can see myself alpha. Like being able to stand up for myself. And still being the chill happy guy I am.