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I have been struggling with the decision to divorce my wife or not. We are very toxic in our relationship, but also very much in love? I question that because her behavior does not fit with my definition of love. So through some horrible crying jags (both) she has asked for a 1 month divorce reprieve. She will show me she can be a good and true wife, and then we will proceed from there.
I can't tell you how many redos we have engaged in over 30 years of marriage. Let's just say it has been a lot. This is so painful. I have spent about a week struggling with MY choice as to whether to engage in another redo, or just to cut and run. After 30 years it seems obvious that we are not going to get to healthy relationship. Butttttttt 30 years is an awful waste of time if it really would change. God help me. PEGym help me.
So after reading your post here, you and Wishfilled have been in my thoughts and my prayers.
I wanted to share with you some things about my relationship with my wife. We were so in love when we first met...and then for about our first 7 years of marriage...
But then something happened...and I'm not sure exactly what caused all of this...but for so many years (17), we had a very sad relationship…no matter what I tried, I couldn't seem to break through a wall that we built (both of us in our own way) between us…I felt like I was choking…drowning…and desperately alone, despite being in my home surrounded by the people most dear to me…it was a wall that seemed to separate me from, not only my wife, but our kids as well.
About seven years ago, I heard about a book called "love dare"…it was based on a movie that I had seen…
Well, the long and short of this is that I bought the book…and began reading it...alone.
It seemed like my wife had no interest in mending our relationship or tearing down that wall…but I certainly did…
What is most interesting is the fact that I felt I was completely innocent regarding this wall of separation between me and my wife…I felt that I was really the victim of my wife’s inability to love me…or her choosing not to love me…
I couldn't understand what was going on…I was a good and faithful husband…a good provider…a loving and caring father to our kids…and I was working my ass off while she was basically enjoying the fruits of my considerable labor without acknowledging my existence and efforts…no thanks…no anything…nothing…the only thing she gave me was "aloneness"…
Well that book made me realize that I would have to change my attitude and my approach and my relationship with my wife…
I committed to do this even if it were to always remain one-sided…and it did for quite a while…
BUT, finally, she realized something was different…and we started to talk about our relationship…there was a lot of pain and yuck we had to deal with…but the book helped me know how to respond…
Even though this was all one-sided, in terms of the book, it dramatically turned my thinking around and enabled me to fall in love with my wife all over again…way before she started to respond herself.
I'm writing all this because your post brought all this back…she and I were probably not going to continue as a married couple unless something happened…
At any rate, I would recommend you consider reading "The Love Dare". It’s available on amazon as a download audio book or through kindle.
I hope you're not offended or feel I'm meddling…you've been a friend here on the forums and I really believe this book will help you work through this.
Wishing you and Wishfilled only happiness and health and healing.
Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017