A Question For Men With ED

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

I want to know what men who have ED are thinking. What thoughts run through your mind when you become soft during intercourse, foreplay, or oral? I know this won't allow me to know what my boyfriend is thinking, but I am hoping for an inside to the perspective of the male mind.

Personally, I do not mind when my boyfriend becomes soft or stays soft. There are always plenty of ways for us to make each other feel good. Sometimes he seems to get upset when he is unable to do what he wants. I would like to respond in the appropriate manner.

I am looking for the male perspective so I can try new ideas to counter balance his change in mood and to make him say “wow” when we are done. I do not want to just keep him engaged with our sexual activity. I want to knock his socks off and make him feel hot!
Peaches~

[TheZZMan Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2018PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZMan]

Sometimes he seems to get upset when he is unable to do what he wants.

In a nutshell, he is either worrying because it happened the time before, worrying that it will happen again, or pissed that it happened right now. That is why I mentioned that he should park his emotions in the hallway before entering the bedroom. The brain festers and consumes itself and you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. As soon as the emotions and adrenaline start to pump - it's too late.

He needs to learn to stay positive.

[GokuKakarot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GokuKakarot]

He's probably thinking something along the lines of: 'o shit not again'. But by then it is already too late. This happens next:
1. Limpdickage is setting in, erection quality goes from 90% to 60% and lower. Penetration won't work by now.
2. Stress goes up from 10% to 80%
3. He tries something, you try something to comply, no it doesn't work.
4. Bummer. Limp is complete. Sex switches off.

If this is a cycle you recognize, try to break it after the first step. Best if stress and tension can be avoided. Together you can make the situation light. My wife and I learned that a while ago. And this helps us, and me to overcome the ED. If tension/stress arises keep it low, otherwise you will run into the next step. That is: 5. Rinse and repeat. He can and probably will do that unilaterally in his own mindset.

Even if step 5 is a regularly returning stage, then the cycle can still be broken. Two way communication is mandatory.

So if you don't mind him limping off, then show that you don't. When it happens, just continue to have sex. During the sex, it maybe best if you ignore the fact that it happened. Have him relax, but not retreat or shut you out. Sometimes his erection can return after stimulation, so that his dick is hard enough to come by handjob. You don't need a 100% erection to come by handjob. Maybe he can get it going, and let you finish. Just make sure he helps you out as well, so it isn't one way, and he can feel less guilty if at all. You can talk about it afterwards. I personally feel talking is too disruptive during the act.

In my opinion this is managing the situation at hand. Which is really good, and again I commend you for your effort to inform yourself. But to be honest also, I think making him feel hot is a bit out of reach at this level.

In the long run, if you could like coach him to get rid of the ED that would be a lot better. When he can perform, then he may be feeling hot. This forum has all the info and more to make him a proud perfomer - here I assume that there is no physical cause for the ED. If there is a physical cause, I'm sure you can find information here, but I'm not sure if the info can turn his situation around to a well performing one.

There are steps in between. Cialis helps me out.
Though I don't want to be dependent on it, it works mighty fine. I just pop one in on friday night and it works for 72 hours in my case. That is the whole weekend + Monday and sometimes Tuesday as well. Plenty of time to pick your natural moments together.

[Saskman Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Saskman]

well i've had this problem before hormone therapy treatment and i am young. its a terrible feeling, so embarrassing and self degrading. sometimes even suicidal thoughts crossed my mind, especially since it occurred since i was a young teenager. but when it happened i ended up doing things to her in different ways, and she always was happy with that. never questioned me. i told her i had side effects of a drug. when i was a teenager my girlfriend thought i was gay because i wouldn't get an erection.

its really terrible. if i were him i would look for medical reasons behind his ED if it's been persisting for a long time. i could always have lived without sex but the feeling of lonlieness and prospect of not being normal is pretty crippling at times.

[Notbeginner Member Find all posts View Profile Close Notbeginner]

Is there anyone who has resolved ED problem or you can only try improve your situation and thats all?

[GokuKakarot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GokuKakarot]

Is there anyone who has resolved ED problem or you can only try improve your situation and thats all?

I think I'm more that halfway there. I'm positive that it will be resolved. The wife and I broke the pattern by talking - sounds boring eh, but it isn't. It is neccesary.

Then I got successes with Cialis, and then some without Cialis.
Most important: if you watch porn and get off on it: stop it immediately. There is an excellent help for that on the forum called AP90. You break watching porn by not doing it for 90 days in a row, and hopefully forever after. The short of it is: Porn messes up your mind and then your performance. It wires your brain not to perform. This part is vital. Do not underestimate, do not skip.

Then there's programs like JP90 to make your dick a whole new better and healthier self. And with techniques like Edging, you learn to control your orgasm, enabling you to fuck for really long periods of time. "All" it takes is time, commitment and endurance.

Again, this is assuming there is no physical cause for ED. And if you have erections sometimes, than the physical part most likely works, and the ED may well be between the ears.

[Notbeginner Member Find all posts View Profile Close Notbeginner]

I think I'm more that halfway there. I'm positive that it will be resolved. The wife and I broke the pattern by talking - sounds boring eh, but it isn't. It is neccesary.

Then I got some successes with Cialis, and then some without Cialis.
Most important: if you watch porn and get off on it: stop it immediately. There is an excellent help for that on the forum called AP90. You break watching porn by not doing it for 90 days, and hopefully forever after. The short of it is: Porn messes up your mind and then your performance.

Again, this is assuming there is no physical cause for ED. And if you have erections sometimes, than the physical part most likely works, and the ED may well be between the ears.

I have hard to maintain erection hard during sex, i have almost every night or morning wood, so i hope physically all is fine and problem is just porn and addictions. I have quit porn 3 days now and now working on my PE. I hope with time situation will become better and better and finally will resolved totally.

P.S. what exactly problem have you?

[GokuKakarot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GokuKakarot]

That is a bit OT , but mostly my long habit of watching porn. Dressed with some minor communication and timing issues between the Mrs and me. ED, however, a tender situation makes, minor issues can then disrupt greatly.

BTW. It took me several weeks before I noticed some positive effect of the AP90 program. You must endure and drop the digital ladies to enjoy the real ones. Having said that, not all your problems will be gone after a successful AP90, it's just a starting point. Albeit a healthy one.

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

In a nutshell, he is either worrying because it happened the time before, worrying that it will happen again, or pissed that it happened right now. That is why I mentioned that he should park his emotions in the hallway before entering the bedroom. The brain festers and consumes itself and you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. As soon as the emotions and adrenaline start to pump - it's too late.

He needs to learn to stay positive.

TheZZMan,
I always love hearing your opinion. You are right, sometimes he seems too stressed when it happens. How about this idea (for right now); what if I start being more aggressive spontaneously starting foreplay, so he has not taken Viagra, then he will not even think that being hard is on the table so he can relax with what we doing and what I am wanting?

I have expressed during and after sex that I am fine with it. In the beginning of our relationship I asked questions about it. I feel that his ED is not related to me. I do know that sometimes men lose interest in their partner and obtain ED. My ex-husband fell in love with a stripper and had ED for two months with me. I later found out he was feeling guilty about not being honest with me about said stripper. So, I did ask questions with my current boyfriend. He came into our relationship with ED. Yeah, I had to make sure it wasn't me because I was used to having that physical response to me( my looks, my touch, my actions). I love my boyfriend and have embraced his ED, now some of my fantasies of him are with his penis being soft. I do not understand why he is worried about it, unless he is worried about pleasing other women, because I am fine with it.
Peaches~

[GokuKakarot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GokuKakarot]

Ah, but then again, he wants to be able to perform. It is also an matter of ego. Maybe even mainly.
His perception may well be that it isn't manly, not being able to perform.

You may accept his ED, but I guess he may not.

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

He's probably thinking something along the lines of: 'o shit not again'. But by then it is already too late. This happens next:
1. Limpdickage is setting in, erection quality goes from 90% to 60% and lower. Penetration won't work by now.
2. Stress goes up from 10% to 80%
3. He tries something, you try something to comply, no it doesn't work.
4. Bummer. Limp is complete. Sex switches off.

If this is a cycle you recognize, try to break it after the first step. Best if stress and tension can be avoided. Together you can make the situation light. My wife and I learned that a while ago. And this helps us, and me to overcome the ED. If tension/stress arises keep it low, otherwise you will run into the next step. That is: 5. Rinse and repeat. He can and probably will do that unilaterally in his own mindset.

Even if step 5 is a regularly returning stage, then the cycle can still be broken. Two way communication is mandatory.

So if you don't mind him limping off, then show that you don't. When it happens, just continue to have sex. During the sex, it maybe best if you ignore the fact that it happened. Have him relax, but not retreat or shut you out. Sometimes his erection can return after stimulation, so that his dick is hard enough to come by handjob. You don't need a 100% erection to come by handjob. Maybe he can get it going, and let you finish. Just make sure he helps you out as well, so it isn't one way, and he can feel less guilty if at all. You can talk about it afterwards. I personally feel talking is too disruptive during the act.

In my opinion this is managing the situation at hand. Which is really good, and again I commend you for your effort to inform yourself. But to be honest also, I think making him feel hot is a bit out of reach at this level.

In the long run, if you could like coach him to get rid of the ED that would be a lot better. When he can perform, then he may be feeling hot. This forum has all the info and more to make him a proud perfomer - here I assume that there is no physical cause for the ED. If there is a physical cause, I'm sure you can find information here, but I'm not sure if the info can turn his situation around to a well performing one.

There are steps in between. Cialis helps me out.
Though I don't want to be dependent on it, it works mighty fine. I just pop one in on friday night and it works for 72 hours in my case. That is the whole weekend + Monday and sometimes Tuesday as well. Plenty of time to pick your natural moments together.

GokukaKarot,
Thank you for your response. I do recognize the cycle. We usually continue on with sex, but I can tell his ego has been deflated. I used to make him feel hot, I am trying to get our sex life back to its former glory.

I will be speaking with him about looking into switching from Viagra to Cialis when he comes back to town (after I try a few things in the bedroom). Thanks for detailing the cycle for me.

Peaches~

[GokuKakarot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GokuKakarot]

If his ego is deflated for limping it again, I think that should be addressed. This can be done in the talking part outside the bedroom. When emotions are stable/neutral. You need to get across that you understand - for the time being.

You also remarked that you accept him with ED. Not to be rude, but it would so not work for me if my wife told me that. There must be a sense of hope, and a joint effort to improve the situation. Acceptance would be like a last lifeline for me, timing would be like a 30 years off.

There must be hope for him, it must feel like a temporary situation. As the ED appears to be between his ears. and more important, there is a solution. Really. The problem that you share can be turned around with the right information and effort.

I strongly advise not to accept his ED until you know a lot more about it.

Goku

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

well i've had this problem before hormone therapy treatment and i am young. its a terrible feeling, so embarrassing and self degrading. sometimes even suicidal thoughts crossed my mind, especially since it occurred since i was a young teenager. but when it happened i ended up doing things to her in different ways, and she always was happy with that. never questioned me. i told her i had side effects of a drug. when i was a teenager my girlfriend thought i was gay because i wouldn't get an erection.

its really terrible. if i were him i would look for medical reasons behind his ED if it's been persisting for a long time. i could always have lived without sex but the feeling of lonlieness and prospect of not being normal is pretty crippling at times.

Thank you for sharing Saskman. I am sorry you went through such a rough time. Loneliness should not accompany ED. After my divorce, I dated and quickly learned that I am not normal. Normal is not always something to strive for.

His ED has been happening for a long time. He has had it for years before we met and we have been together for three years. I am not sure what the exact cause of his is. He has been prescribed Viagra, and says he likes taking it because it helps his urine flow too. He has other medical issues which make it difficult to take Viagra often.

On another note, I have dated a man who had low T and I am Bi, so if you ever need anyone to talk to when you feel low (if you are still feeling low), you can talk to me. I do not judge and I might even understand. No suicide allowed!
Peaches~

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

Is there anyone who has resolved ED problem or you can only try improve your situation and thats all?

Notbeginer,
He has seen a doctor and is on Viagra. He likes taking Viagra. I am looking into Cialis and his diet and changing what I do. I know what would make me feel happy and fulfilled. I just do not know what will please him. Perhaps, he is tired of me and wants to move on but is not ready to get back in the dating game. He has been stressed out with his work and upset with me. I am trying to save our relationship, if we can get our sex life back to its former awesomeness, maybe everything else will follow suit.
Peaches~

[peachykeen Member Find all posts View Profile Close peachykeen]

I think I'm more that halfway there. I'm positive that it will be resolved. The wife and I broke the pattern by talking - sounds boring eh, but it isn't. It is neccesary.

Then I got successes with Cialis, and then some without Cialis.
Most important: if you watch porn and get off on it: stop it immediately. There is an excellent help for that on the forum called AP90. You break watching porn by not doing it for 90 days in a row, and hopefully forever after. The short of it is: Porn messes up your mind and then your performance. It wires your brain not to perform. This part is vital. Do not underestimate, do not skip.

Then there's programs like JP90 to make your dick a whole new better and healthier self. And with techniques like Edging, you learn to control your orgasm, enabling you to fuck for really long periods of time. "All" it takes is time, commitment and endurance.

Again, this is assuming there is no physical cause for ED. And if you have erections sometimes, than the physical part most likely works, and the ED may well be between the ears.

I am not sure how much, if any porn he is watching lately. I am sure that his ED is between the ears at times. That is why I have tried not to pressure him (with his stress from work weighing on him).
Peaches~