apathy?

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

Well I have entered a state of mind that can only really be likened to that of extreme apathy. I have no desires, no concerns, nothing motivates me to move aside from killing time, so the day ends and i can go to sleep.

Escape through inebriation no longer interests me, i havnt talked to a women in over a week and feel no drive to get laid (this is a first ever)

I dont care about christmas, or even tebow and the broncos (for anyone who actually knows me they would realize this is the biggest indicator of a possible mental breakdown) even my cynical nature has changed, while i think ive become even more cynical the emotions associated with the expressions are rather glib instead of angry, hurt, or scared. i dont even know why i am writing this lol, i am at work on a laptop watching sports highlights.......

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Yup I have those days too. Then they pass; yours will!

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

I am not used to having no desires or drive. I always want something, food, sex, comfort, even a movie to look forward to or a decent conversation at least, something, anything, just a reason to continue. Right now I want the emptiness of sleep, this is just weird lol. I think id even ignore "her" right now. Its bordering on a type of high, like shock maybe. My one concern is this lasts a little while then i go back to normal and have to deal with having lived without fear of consequence for a short period of time.

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

Well I have been thinking, a lot, mostly asking why and following the train of thought. Lack of purpose mostly, why? what drives purpose? So i settled on satisfying physical desire, or started there, cause it just leads to more "why". This lead to that damn pyramid and maslows hierarchy of needs again. So this leads to the hierarchy's personal pertinence. What needs am I trying to fulfill and of course why. Followed by "to what end?" I cant really answer "what do i want" at least not honestly anyways, so i thought about the main motivators for mankinds desires.

This started with religion, or the need for religion, or at least the use of religion. The idea of safety, security, purpose. I mean regardless of how shitty life is, if there is a "heaven" or any representative idea of a "heaven" then it doesnt matter and you can walk around happy as a clam (blissful ignorance).

This is perfect as long as people are simple enough to believe the sun(or whatever else has served as a god, lol served......) cares whether or not you masturbate, but after a long enough time line, and enough guess and check, people realize neither the sun nor moon cares what you do.

So now we have mass chaos, meaning we need a new form of control, money. Which is nothing except a concept that protects the weak from having things taken by the strong. Money will be transcended by a new relate able cause, making money out to be the bad guy and the evil of the world, when in reality its this desire that motivates us, the desire that causes those of us clever enough to come up with the concept of religion in the first place in order to control the masses to shape the world to "our" will (in this sense gandhi and hitler where brothers).

So there is no good or evil, only desire, inconvenience and control, accomplished through manipulation of desire. Which brings me back to "what do i want" and "why"?

I have no grand illusions of mass control or any actual achievement of power, I think I have come to the conclusion I am just tired of being alone, i would like to go home tonight, and have someone waiting for me, someone who cared as much about me as I did them, someone who would give me a massage not because i wanted one but because they cared about how it would make me feel. Someone who cooked for me not because i asked but because they cared wether or not i was hungry. I want someone who will nurture me like a mother, look up to me like a brother, depend on me like a sister and approve of me like a father and her desires shall be my purpose.

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

the missing piece, the only inconceivable variable is circumstance, which leads into relativity and beyond my total lack of an education. Admittance of desire and contemplation of circumstance has to be the closest thing ive yet to come up with to the "right thing to do".