Long Time Premature Ejaculation Problem - Just Getting Started

[chadPE Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close chadPE]

I am glad I found the pegym website and forum. I am 39 and have struggled with premature ejaculation since my first sexual experience in middle school. I am committed to finding a way to fix this. I don't have any aspirations of being a porn star that can last for hours.

My current stats:
Intercourse = 1-2 minutes
Blow job = a few minutes
Handjob = usually indefinitely with no lube, 1-2 minutes with lube

Where I want to be:
Intercourse = ~10 minutes
Blow job = 5-10 minutes
Handjob = okay with where I am

I have sex about 1-2 times a week. I've been married ~15 years. My wife is okay with my premature ejaculation. She usually orgasms through oral, and if she has a 2nd, then my 1-2 minutes gets her there about 50% of the time. But, even though our sex life is okay, I feel a lot of shame and anxiety. And, this shame affects me in my life outside of the bedroom.

Reading the guides on the pegym website and doing some of the early learning exercises, I think my premature ejaculation is linked to (1) hypersensitivity of head of my penis (physical), (2) anxiety and inability to control arousal levels (mental), and (3) poor masturbation habits. I masturbated with no lubrication since I was about 8, and never masturbated for more than a few minutes. In my first heavy make-out session with my 7th grade girl friend, I ejaculated in my pants.

I have some questions:
(1) I have the spontaneous kegels immediately when I get aroused when just waiting for my wife to come to bed knowing we'll have sex or when I first begin masturbating. What specifically should I do to stop these?
(2) I have changed my masturbation habits - using a lot of lube and following the guides here at pegym. When I edge, I can only go a few seconds before I have to stop. I've been doing this only for a week. I haven't seen any progress - but I have to keep faith that this will get better over time. Does it take months? I'm committed to do it however long - if I can feel confident that it will work.
(3) I really struggle with the mental side. I have a very hard time not worry about going early. If I know my wife and I will have sex later in the day, I will worry about it all day. How do I change my though patterns? Do I think about something else. Do I trying to talking myself through it - to bring down the anxiety?

Thanks for any help or guidance you can give. I would appreciate hearing what worked for you, and how long you had to work on it to see the improvement you wanted. Also, I wonder if I should think about my premature ejaculation really being "fixed" or should I think about it as a continuous process that will always require effort.

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

to the Gym chadPE!

Shame and anxiety exacerbates Pre-E, you need to stop worrying and rest assured that you are on your way to improve your stamina.

First I recommend reading the following threads, and follow a regular and reverse kegels routine to balance and strengthen your pelvic floor, and keep on practicing edging, it may take a while, but you will get there.


Kegels: Only One Piece of the Equation to Strengthen the Pelvic Floor

Yoga Poses for Pelvic Floor Stretching - relax your muscles

Confusion with Reverse Kegels

Pelvic Floor Balance


Minuteman's PremE FAQ

Arousal Techniques

ByggD's Guide to Controlling Your Ejaculation Response

What we know so far about PE, its causes and its treatment


Edging 101

Edging For Premature Ejaculation

Regarding your questions.

1- https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...ry-kegels.html

2- Keep practicing, maybe weeks maybe more.

3- Stop worrying, in the links above, you will find a detailed answer, for short, don't think about orgasming, also don't think about not orgasming, just lose yourself to the experience, once you master the techniques listed here, you will be able to last as long as you want, no need to worry.

Good luck!

[chadPE Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close chadPE]

Thanks for pep talk and for organizing the existing information. I will work my way through this over the next few days.

[ammonite Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ammonite]

1) The best way to deal with involuntary kegels is to focus on what you CAN do first. This means start taking note of your pelvic floor during the day, when you aren't aroused. Do you notice it is tense or having IK? If so, then try and stop these. You can try doing this with a conscious effort or by using RK holds. Once you gain a naturally relaxed pelvic floor, then you can move onto dealing with IK in arousing situations. Start off by trying to remove the "hands free", ie- whe you aren't touching yourself. Then finally, start slowly trying to eliminate IK while touching yourself and during sex.

2) Again, start off slowly with the edging and try and find a way to be able to touch yourself without reaching the PONR, even if it means not thinking sexy thoughts and stroking really slow. A detailed guide for edging can be found in the "Edging for Premature Ejaculation thread" which MrB8 has kindly linked you to.

3) The mental side is by far the hardest, physical simply requires you to put a bit of effort in doing a few exercises every now and then, but the psychological aspect requires you to change your mindset, which is no easy thing to do. As you progress with your training, you will likely notice that for you sex revolves around orgasm. Somehow, as MrB8 put it excellently, you need to stop thinking about orgasm, but also don't think about not orgasming

It's not an easy thing to do because you are so used to associating sexual stimulation with orgasm that you consciously/ sub consciously think about orgasm when stimulated. How to change this response is the main focus of the edging thread, but for now you're better trying to gain some decent pelvic floor balance- focus on what you can do, rather than jumping in at the deep end.

What you can do now is just edge without ejaculation, as this will help remove focus from orgasm. Don't worry about ejaculating during sex, just go in there and forget about premature ejaculation and enjoy yourself.

If I tell you that you're now instantly aware of you're breathing, you have to start consciously breathing. If I say notice how you can see your nose, you'll realise it's there in the centre of your vision. Same applies with pre e, if you think about it then it becomes more of a problem and continues to happen. If you "forget" about it then the problem goes away, barring any physical problems. The mind affects the body in mysterious ways.

Incidentally, what makes you think you have a hypersensitive head? I see a lot of people say this recently and I'm not really sure how they diagnose themselves with such a condition.

Also, pre e will probably be an ongoing cure. It's possible you'll have a eureka moment and suddenly be able to last forever, but remember that even guys who don't really have pre e don't have full control over ejaculation and would want to last longer. However, if you're aim is just to last 10 minutes then, with time and effort, you probably can "fix" it


Other than that, read through the links in the post above, and good luck!

[chadPE Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close chadPE]

Thanks, ammonite, for the suggestions around reducing/eliminating the spontaneous kegels. I will work on that.

I suspected that the head of my penis was hypersensitive because the few times I tried using a desensitizing cream on the tip made a huge difference. The first time I used it, I lasted a very long time. My wife came first, and then we tried two other positions. The next time I used it, I had a similar experience. However, each occasion after that, I lasted a shorter amount of time -- until ultimately, the desensitizing cream had almost no affect. Now looking back on it, I wonder if it was a placebo effect instead. I felt very confident when I put it on - and had a belief that I could last a long time. I ultimately stopped using it because it stopped working, and I again was back to worrying about my performance even when I put it on.

The other reason I felt like my head was hypersensitive is because when I masturbate, I get to the PONR much more quickly when I touch the head than when I only do the shaft.

I agree the mental part of this is very important. In my normal life (at work or during sports), when I am confident then I can perform really well. But, when I get nervous and doubt myself, then there are really noticeable negative effects. It's such a tricky thing to figure out how to change this. Will meditation help? How to I let go of the fear of failure? I guess it will be some trial and error - and trying to be present but not focused on the orgasm. Like you said, switching my masturbation habits to not orgasm during edging should help.

Thanks again.

[CptnD Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close CptnD]

Try taking some kind of Yoga class that has the potential to relax your mind or promote peace. I know I sound like a total hippie lol but whenever I had a problem for a short time, I realized it was my mind that was psyching me out. Try to control your thoughts and feelings. Good luck!

[eworthi Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close eworthi]

I've only been here for a month or so and am working on PremE as well. Keep on reading, this is a really great group. One thing I would suggest is to go ahead and follow the instructions to measure yourself early on. I know that growth isn't your focus, it isn't for me either, but I got interested in adding some girth after spending so much time on the site and realizing that many of the exercises are the same as for PremE. You never know, it may even be a bit of a confidence booster, as it was for me, and Lord knows I can use all the confidence I can get when it comes to... cumming

[chadPE Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close chadPE]

Thanks for the suggestions. I can definitely use any confidence building I can get.

[chadPE Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close chadPE]

I think yoga is slowing moving to be more main stream. It's a good idea. I'll give it a shot.

[BiggDick_Keto Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BiggDick_Keto]

I agree the mental part of this is very important. In my normal life (at work or during sports), when I am confident then I can perform really well. But, when I get nervous and doubt myself, then there are really noticeable negative effects. It's such a tricky thing to figure out how to change this. Will meditation help? How to I let go of the fear of failure? I guess it will be some trial and error - and trying to be present but not focused on the orgasm. Like you said, switching my masturbation habits to not orgasm during edging should help.

Thanks again.

For confidence, I try the following trick:

A: Imagine a more confident version of yourself.

How would this more confident version of yourself, stand, walk, talk, sound, feel(in the current situation)

B: Imagine that same more confident version of yourself again, but this time focus on how they would feel during sex, what their mindset would be. Now step into that person, become that more confident version, embody that posture, that walk, use the tones they would use, feel their emotions, adopt the mindset that you feel the more confident version of you would have.
C: repeat A
D: repeat B

Until you feel like you can conquer the world. Because, you my friend can and will conquer anything that stands between who you are now, and who you want to be.

-BDK

[master_mind Banned Find all posts View Profile Close master_mind]

Chad is your problem solved.