Member of the Month Sept 2013
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Soooooo, where to begin (and end). It's been 5 months now, doesn't seem like much considering how far I've traveled from where I was to where I am now. This past year (past few years to be honest) has been a rough one to say the least. But my mourning and depression are well behind me now, I've processed the loss of my relationship, I still don't agree with the reasons we separated and never will, but she needed to do what she needed to do and I can't fault her for that, I wish her the best and hope she finds the right questions to ask and the corresponding answers to have peace and strength within herself. There will always be that sliver of hope that some day perhaps we will try again to realize our potential together, but she has to realize her own potential first, and that is something she needs to do on her own so that it's her accomplishment, it cannot come from someone else or she will never build true confidence in herself.
I find myself now on an even keel. I've returned to the real world and reclaimed my life. The steadiness has brought back perspective and I'm once again enjoying life in a normal manner. I've gone through the unsustainable carpe diem phases, trying to jolt myself back to some place I wanted to be, going overboard with too much too soon and not being able to keep it up. Self awareness and accepting your limitations goes a long way toward sustainable happiness. Sure, I'd love to take three months and hit the gym every day, drop the extra weight, completely change my diet, stop smoking, etc, etc, but realistically that will all too easily get sidetracked somewhere along the way, and in fact did a couple of times (last time I was three weeks into it, lost 10 pounds, down to 5 smokes a day, feeling great, then got slammed with two solid weeks of 16-20 hour work days after a major meltdown of our infrastructure).
I say all of the above to setup where I'm at with my life and how this affects my ongoing PE journey. As I have closed out that chapter in my life so too do I close out this chapter in my PE journey. I've read back on these 38 pages of notes and reflected on different experiments. I've gleaned some wisdom from my experiences and have formulated some key points to carry into my next phase.
- I never really started PE for me, it was for "us". Granted I benefited in many ways from it, but my motivations were never really my own. I even had periods of great concern during growth phases where I would potentially ruin our "fit" and get too big, there are many notes in this journal about that, and I do remember the feelings vividly. I also never really started foreskin restoration because she was uncertain about it, but I admit that it's something very high on my priority list. So this time around it truly has to be for me, and my goals will be my own.
- Along the lines of mental approach I recognize that during plateau phases I was putting emphasis on measurements as part of my identity. I'm not sure how to explain it, but as one's unit is very personal and tied deeply into one's self image, I felt bad overall when I couldn't accomplish any progress. It wasn't that my unit wasn't growing, it was my person wasn't succeeding. I realize it is healthier mentally to view this not as personal augmentation, but rather to detach my unit from my overall being and make this something more along the lines of body modification. It should be more of a curiosity, an experiment, and not tied to my identity. I also got caught up in being one of the success stories, an example to others, one of the guys who gets dozens of PMs from others looking to replicate the results. As a result I felt like a fraud, like I was letting others down instead of just me. This wasn't a prevalent mindset I had, but it was a nagging little voice in the back of my head. So now I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I'm in it for me, and I'm in it to see what is possible from a body modification point of view. Being a "nine incher" used to be a mental goal, a label of sexual identity and pride, but now it will become a simple milestone of progress.
- On a mechanical level I have always had problems with skin irritation, callouses, pinching, soreness, and occasionally pain. I see reading back through my notes that it was a consistent pattern, whether it was with devices or manual. At first it felt great, the switch was generally in response to some complication of a routine, but eventually I'd again develop a bad spot of contact and become sore or numb in areas. The result would be less effective sessions, loss of EQ from the pain that developed or the lack of sensitivity. So the trick for me will be to mix it up before issues develop. If I want to hang then I've got a Bib and a vacuum hanger, the stretch is roughly the same, but if I switch up every few days the wear and tear on my skin will change and I can avoid the sore spots.
- I also recognize that for quite some time when I was experimenting with my "is more is more?" phase that I was riding injuries for awhile. I have done it recently again and made mental notes about it, I can feel myself tense and retract to avoid a sore ligament resulting in a bad session. For me I find that if any type of "more is more" is going to work it will involve adding time and not more weight or tension.
- Along the lines of bad sessions I also recognize that complacency has played a big factor in growth and plateau. I had gotten to the point of being lazy. Instead of standing while doing stretches I started sitting, instead of paying attention to jelqing I was watching tv and simply going through the motions. Such a huge difference when distractions are eliminated, I need to make the sessions count and focus while doing them.
- Lastly I have to recognize my own patterns and short comings. Sure it would be great if I would focus and do a monster hanging routine for the next year like Bib did, but I have to admit to myself that work can distract me in a heartbeat. I find myself getting up in the morning and telling myself I'm going to do a full day of stretching and hanging, then turn around at 4PM and realize I haven't done a single PE related thing all day. Longer term I also recognize I can't easily decide to take a month or a quarter and maintain motivation and scheduling for a heavy duty routine. But that's ok, and I can't let myself feel bad for good intentions and failed execution, I have other things going on in my life for which I am responsible, I just have to be realistic in my approach.
I know I'm forgetting something but this is fairly complete. I will be closing this log and starting a new one as my entire routine, goals, and approach will alter drastically. I'll link to it once I've gotten it up and running.
TL;DR: Been a long haul this past year with personal problems. I've now stabilized and ready to start a new chapter. New wisdom gained, new perspective and approach. Ready to start a sustainable and realistic routine. Closing this journal and starting fresh.
I find myself now on an even keel. I've returned to the real world and reclaimed my life. The steadiness has brought back perspective and I'm once again enjoying life in a normal manner. I've gone through the unsustainable carpe diem phases, trying to jolt myself back to some place I wanted to be, going overboard with too much too soon and not being able to keep it up. Self awareness and accepting your limitations goes a long way toward sustainable happiness. Sure, I'd love to take three months and hit the gym every day, drop the extra weight, completely change my diet, stop smoking, etc, etc, but realistically that will all too easily get sidetracked somewhere along the way, and in fact did a couple of times (last time I was three weeks into it, lost 10 pounds, down to 5 smokes a day, feeling great, then got slammed with two solid weeks of 16-20 hour work days after a major meltdown of our infrastructure).
I say all of the above to setup where I'm at with my life and how this affects my ongoing PE journey. As I have closed out that chapter in my life so too do I close out this chapter in my PE journey. I've read back on these 38 pages of notes and reflected on different experiments. I've gleaned some wisdom from my experiences and have formulated some key points to carry into my next phase.
- I never really started PE for me, it was for "us". Granted I benefited in many ways from it, but my motivations were never really my own. I even had periods of great concern during growth phases where I would potentially ruin our "fit" and get too big, there are many notes in this journal about that, and I do remember the feelings vividly. I also never really started foreskin restoration because she was uncertain about it, but I admit that it's something very high on my priority list. So this time around it truly has to be for me, and my goals will be my own.
- Along the lines of mental approach I recognize that during plateau phases I was putting emphasis on measurements as part of my identity. I'm not sure how to explain it, but as one's unit is very personal and tied deeply into one's self image, I felt bad overall when I couldn't accomplish any progress. It wasn't that my unit wasn't growing, it was my person wasn't succeeding. I realize it is healthier mentally to view this not as personal augmentation, but rather to detach my unit from my overall being and make this something more along the lines of body modification. It should be more of a curiosity, an experiment, and not tied to my identity. I also got caught up in being one of the success stories, an example to others, one of the guys who gets dozens of PMs from others looking to replicate the results. As a result I felt like a fraud, like I was letting others down instead of just me. This wasn't a prevalent mindset I had, but it was a nagging little voice in the back of my head. So now I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I'm in it for me, and I'm in it to see what is possible from a body modification point of view. Being a "nine incher" used to be a mental goal, a label of sexual identity and pride, but now it will become a simple milestone of progress.
- On a mechanical level I have always had problems with skin irritation, callouses, pinching, soreness, and occasionally pain. I see reading back through my notes that it was a consistent pattern, whether it was with devices or manual. At first it felt great, the switch was generally in response to some complication of a routine, but eventually I'd again develop a bad spot of contact and become sore or numb in areas. The result would be less effective sessions, loss of EQ from the pain that developed or the lack of sensitivity. So the trick for me will be to mix it up before issues develop. If I want to hang then I've got a Bib and a vacuum hanger, the stretch is roughly the same, but if I switch up every few days the wear and tear on my skin will change and I can avoid the sore spots.
- I also recognize that for quite some time when I was experimenting with my "is more is more?" phase that I was riding injuries for awhile. I have done it recently again and made mental notes about it, I can feel myself tense and retract to avoid a sore ligament resulting in a bad session. For me I find that if any type of "more is more" is going to work it will involve adding time and not more weight or tension.
- Along the lines of bad sessions I also recognize that complacency has played a big factor in growth and plateau. I had gotten to the point of being lazy. Instead of standing while doing stretches I started sitting, instead of paying attention to jelqing I was watching tv and simply going through the motions. Such a huge difference when distractions are eliminated, I need to make the sessions count and focus while doing them.
- Lastly I have to recognize my own patterns and short comings. Sure it would be great if I would focus and do a monster hanging routine for the next year like Bib did, but I have to admit to myself that work can distract me in a heartbeat. I find myself getting up in the morning and telling myself I'm going to do a full day of stretching and hanging, then turn around at 4PM and realize I haven't done a single PE related thing all day. Longer term I also recognize I can't easily decide to take a month or a quarter and maintain motivation and scheduling for a heavy duty routine. But that's ok, and I can't let myself feel bad for good intentions and failed execution, I have other things going on in my life for which I am responsible, I just have to be realistic in my approach.
I know I'm forgetting something but this is fairly complete. I will be closing this log and starting a new one as my entire routine, goals, and approach will alter drastically. I'll link to it once I've gotten it up and running.
TL;DR: Been a long haul this past year with personal problems. I've now stabilized and ready to start a new chapter. New wisdom gained, new perspective and approach. Ready to start a sustainable and realistic routine. Closing this journal and starting fresh.
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