Labret and I have had our first big argument. It was pretty scary, and I still really don't know if she'll take me back, but I just wanted to share with you the process and what happened.

So, last Tuesday she starts to feel hormonal (that's the word she uses to describe it). It usually begins with a disinterest in sex. I've learned not to push the issue; she requested snuggling and cuddling without sex, so that's what I gave her. By the time the weekend came, she was in the thick of it. Actually, it probably first hit her on Thursday. She requested "alone time," so I stopped going over. Usually during this time, I send sweet text messages to her, and maybe we'll talk on the phone once a day, or every other day. Otherwise, I'm just at my place getting my studying done. When I'm away from her, I miss her. And I don't hold back my expression of it. It comes from a place of love, and I make sure my messages are void of neediness and clinginess. Typically we see each other every day, or every other day. We miss each other when we're not with each other, but on the other hand we get a lot done when we're not together (because otherwise we spend the entire day in bed ).

The weekend came and went. Then Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Hmm, it seemed this was going on for a while. I noticed that, now when I missed her, I felt sad. Then Thursday. Something changed. Now when I thought of her, I felt annoyed, frustrated, irritated, ignored. She was still calling me, but stopped responding to my text messages. I felt the need to let her know how I was feeling, which I feel was valid. I told her that it had been a while since I'd seen her, and I needed to see her tonight. She agreed and said I could head over that evening.

That evening I went to the Thursday dance venue. I was planning on going over to Labret's afterwards. I was really looking forward to it. Then, at around 10:30, which would be considered the middle of the dance (it goes from 9-12), I got a message from her. She had a tough night with her son, and didn't want to deal with the pile of clothes that had occupied the other side of the bed. Ouch. I felt hurt. As my roommate put it, I "lost to a pile of laundry." I felt I had the right to let her know that I was hurt by that.

I sent her a text, "I need to say that I feel taken for granted, that you can sweep away my needs that I clearly stated, and I would just sit and take it."

I left the dance venue after that, because I couldn't enjoy the music or my friends any more. I went home. In the morning on Friday, I woke up to her reply, "I expected no such thing. It is clear that I am incapable of managing this level of relationship."

Ouch again. What was going on? How did she interpret my expression of how I felt, with a desire to break up? I felt that I was in free fall. Things were going down, fast. I felt it was extremely unfair that she would make a decision like that unilaterally, without giving me a chance to explain. Anyways, after a day and a half of giving her space, she starts texting me again.

Suffice to say, Friday night was "back to school" night at her son's school. She's had trouble getting him to do well in school the past few years (he continues to fail nearly every class). In addition, her mood was due to being pregnant. She was going to make an appointment for a medicinal miscarriage. This also explained why it went on so long. She still doesn't feel like talking directly, due to her mood (which is beyond her control right now), so we're continuing with texting. I'm being nothing but supportive and loving right now, and not asking her any questions or making any requests. She has addressed her own mood, and she has every right to be angry at me for what I did. I don't even know if she wants to get back together with me, but I'm optimistic. I decided to write down a journal entry about what I might say to her the next time I see her.

-------------------------------------------------
I’m feeling a mix of emotions right now. I’m glad that you figured out why you were feeling so off-kilter. I’m concerned about your health because of the medicinal miscarriage. I’m a bit ashamed that we didn’t switch back to condoms sooner. I’m definitely ashamed of my own behavior.

Even though you found the source of your mood, that still does not excuse my behavior. Since my divorce, I’ve been working really hard at identifying issues with myself, and subsequently working on them. There were two sources to this recent conflict: your mood, and my behavior. The first we’ve already figured out. This incident brought up an old issue of mine that seems to have re-surfaced; I acted on an afflictive emotion without first getting control of myself and reflecting clearly. The result was that you were hurt at a time when you were most vulnerable. For that I am deeply sorry. I hope that it never happens again, and I am already working within myself to place new processes to make sure it doesn’t. One thing I can do when I feel a wave of hurt or anger is to first talk to my friends until I’ve calmed down. Acting directly from a place of high emotions does nothing good for anyone.

It would also really help me to understand better what it’s like for you when you become hormonal. This is the main reason why I was talking to a lot of my female friends about it; I wanted to better understand what you were going through. But also, now I know, that if you ask for space and time, that I should give it without question. I can voice my concerns afterwards, after you’re feeling better, and after I’ve had a chance to calm down.

-------------------------------------

All in all, I think this was a good experience. Even if she decides not to continue with "us," I've really learned the destructive force of acting without reflecting. Wish me luck, guys.