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This is a little long but I think very instructive for those of you who are in sexless relationships (as either the refused or the refuser) and struggling with it like me 
For those of you who have followed me on some of the forums may recall some of my ongoing relationship struggles. Basically, I desire to have more sex than my SO does. I won't go into all the details but the long story short is that the relationship has not always been that way, but in the past 5 years, the trend of the bedroom activity has become dismal. This has had huge impact on the relationship obviously and the question of should the marriage continue has come up quite a few times.
Well enough of that for context. I wanted to share with you a posting from another forum that I frequent that really resonated with me. Now to be clear, there are many causes in relationships where there is no sex or one partner is not satisfied with the frequency of sex. But one commonality is the lack of desire (for whatever that reason may be).
Below is a very rational perspective on the emotional realities of sexlessness due to lack of desire from one of the parties. It is from the point of view of the refused.
I hope its helpful for some as it was for me in framing my situation
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Sex isn't difficult to have with people who you want to have sex with. Take yourself, for example. You are in the same marriage as him. You want to have sex - not just in certain quantities as your have described, but within a certain context. When I was in counselling, our councilor said "People focus on the quantity, but ignore the question of quality." Of course, this prompted agreement and then I adapted my demands of her to expand to include the quality and context. I wanted sex that would express her own desire for me. I wanted some heat, rather than tolerance. I wanted sex that she initiated - that she *needed* from me. I wanted to be the object of her desire. I wanted to be used with more frequency than the shower massage. I wanted her to take initiative and find out more about sexual practices and acts that might enrich us, or excite her. I wanted sexual expression to be a genuine priority and exceed my honest expectations of her.
She despaired, became angry at my unreasonable demands.
I think this was the goal of the therapist, to lay bare the truth of our situation in such a way that we'd both see it.
The truth, from her perspective, was that she didn't want sex with me and that she was only enduring it as a way of staying married. Likewise, I was enduring the deficiency of sexual expression as a way of staying married. Thus, asking for more or offering less - while consistent with each of our true inclinations with each other - would provoke disappointment and rage because we were *working hard* at enduring a situation we didn't want or appreciate.
I recalled her utter despair when, the morning after we had sex, I tried to initiate again and was kicked off her. She broke down, expressing despair and rage at my apparent insatiability for wanting it twice - once at night and once again in the morning. "Wasn't that enough?" she pleaded? "It will never be enough!" I recall her telling me each time she proposed (now I realize she was really telling herself), that she would like to "offer loving sex". She was characterizing the sex, in words out loud, before we had it, in such a way that she could find an onramp to it emotionally. Later on, this got switched to "companionable" sex, in her words. Either she was deliberately trying to take sex and frame it in such a way that it would be undesirable for me, or, more generously, she was engaging in a ritual of framing it for herself so it would be endurable.
From my side of it, it came down to several points:
- regardless of how often I was "given" sex, as she put it, how did it make me feel that she clearly DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
- I had attributed the quantity of sex toward evidence of her desire (and I was incorrect in this), but what I really wanted was for my partner to desire me in the way I desired her. There was a lot more happening there than once every two weeks.
- Consistently, the worst disappointments and despair occurred when I thought there might be a chance we might have sex. I began to associate my natural attraction to her with humiliation and anger, and eventually this turned toward my own body. I began to see my own bodily responses as humiliating betrayals of my intentions, and "self love" as a disgusting disappointment. I began to resent my own body, and began delaying "self love" as much as I could, because I would cry - it made me feel lonely. I will admit this avoidance has not completely abated some 3+ years later. This was alleviated somewhat when I deliberately gave up and began sleeping in a different room.
- Our other therapist "tricked me" into admitting my deepest truth about the marriage when she asked me in an intense moment "Well what would happen if you just quit trying to pull this rope?". I responded without thinking, from the heart, "Then there would be no marriage." I kept turning it over in my mind all day, because it revealed that I was trying to enact a mutual attraction single-handed. All of our efforts were happening because of me. With the destruction of our family and lifestyle at stake, she still wasn't present, and wasn't doing her "homework" from the therapist. I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me. She said, "I don't know." I explained, calmly, that "I don't know," falls well short of even a second date with me, let alone a marriage, and said "We are getting a divorce."
Sounds like you need to figure out what your boundaries and minimums are too. Rather than fixing on quantities, look farther upstream at the feeling that supplies those quantities and the context, and look farther downstream at how their lack makes you feel about yourself - what it means to you.
For those of you who have followed me on some of the forums may recall some of my ongoing relationship struggles. Basically, I desire to have more sex than my SO does. I won't go into all the details but the long story short is that the relationship has not always been that way, but in the past 5 years, the trend of the bedroom activity has become dismal. This has had huge impact on the relationship obviously and the question of should the marriage continue has come up quite a few times.
Well enough of that for context. I wanted to share with you a posting from another forum that I frequent that really resonated with me. Now to be clear, there are many causes in relationships where there is no sex or one partner is not satisfied with the frequency of sex. But one commonality is the lack of desire (for whatever that reason may be).
Below is a very rational perspective on the emotional realities of sexlessness due to lack of desire from one of the parties. It is from the point of view of the refused.
I hope its helpful for some as it was for me in framing my situation
------
Sex isn't difficult to have with people who you want to have sex with. Take yourself, for example. You are in the same marriage as him. You want to have sex - not just in certain quantities as your have described, but within a certain context. When I was in counselling, our councilor said "People focus on the quantity, but ignore the question of quality." Of course, this prompted agreement and then I adapted my demands of her to expand to include the quality and context. I wanted sex that would express her own desire for me. I wanted some heat, rather than tolerance. I wanted sex that she initiated - that she *needed* from me. I wanted to be the object of her desire. I wanted to be used with more frequency than the shower massage. I wanted her to take initiative and find out more about sexual practices and acts that might enrich us, or excite her. I wanted sexual expression to be a genuine priority and exceed my honest expectations of her.
She despaired, became angry at my unreasonable demands.
I think this was the goal of the therapist, to lay bare the truth of our situation in such a way that we'd both see it.
The truth, from her perspective, was that she didn't want sex with me and that she was only enduring it as a way of staying married. Likewise, I was enduring the deficiency of sexual expression as a way of staying married. Thus, asking for more or offering less - while consistent with each of our true inclinations with each other - would provoke disappointment and rage because we were *working hard* at enduring a situation we didn't want or appreciate.
I recalled her utter despair when, the morning after we had sex, I tried to initiate again and was kicked off her. She broke down, expressing despair and rage at my apparent insatiability for wanting it twice - once at night and once again in the morning. "Wasn't that enough?" she pleaded? "It will never be enough!" I recall her telling me each time she proposed (now I realize she was really telling herself), that she would like to "offer loving sex". She was characterizing the sex, in words out loud, before we had it, in such a way that she could find an onramp to it emotionally. Later on, this got switched to "companionable" sex, in her words. Either she was deliberately trying to take sex and frame it in such a way that it would be undesirable for me, or, more generously, she was engaging in a ritual of framing it for herself so it would be endurable.
From my side of it, it came down to several points:
- regardless of how often I was "given" sex, as she put it, how did it make me feel that she clearly DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME.
- I had attributed the quantity of sex toward evidence of her desire (and I was incorrect in this), but what I really wanted was for my partner to desire me in the way I desired her. There was a lot more happening there than once every two weeks.
- Consistently, the worst disappointments and despair occurred when I thought there might be a chance we might have sex. I began to associate my natural attraction to her with humiliation and anger, and eventually this turned toward my own body. I began to see my own bodily responses as humiliating betrayals of my intentions, and "self love" as a disgusting disappointment. I began to resent my own body, and began delaying "self love" as much as I could, because I would cry - it made me feel lonely. I will admit this avoidance has not completely abated some 3+ years later. This was alleviated somewhat when I deliberately gave up and began sleeping in a different room.
- Our other therapist "tricked me" into admitting my deepest truth about the marriage when she asked me in an intense moment "Well what would happen if you just quit trying to pull this rope?". I responded without thinking, from the heart, "Then there would be no marriage." I kept turning it over in my mind all day, because it revealed that I was trying to enact a mutual attraction single-handed. All of our efforts were happening because of me. With the destruction of our family and lifestyle at stake, she still wasn't present, and wasn't doing her "homework" from the therapist. I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me. She said, "I don't know." I explained, calmly, that "I don't know," falls well short of even a second date with me, let alone a marriage, and said "We are getting a divorce."
Sounds like you need to figure out what your boundaries and minimums are too. Rather than fixing on quantities, look farther upstream at the feeling that supplies those quantities and the context, and look farther downstream at how their lack makes you feel about yourself - what it means to you.
Member of the Month Nov 2016
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