How to tell a blow-off excuse from a genuine story?

[Shamany Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shamany]

Honesty and being straight forward is the answer.

Despite many times women do not know what they want but that's different than if she's the type playing the field which is a red flag if you do not want to waste your time.

Ask her directly to discover if you do not have enough experience to feeeeeel what's she into!

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

Like for example a girl that says she doesn't want to do carnal stuff

Carnal stuff. You mean she doesn't want to bang you. So your real question here is: there is this chick you have been hanging around near her and you took too long to get sexual and now she just can't bang you. But all along you had thought that the waiting game is the best approach for sex+romantic relationship.

To answer your question, if it is true she doesn't want to fuck or if she doesn't want to make you feel hurt for all your try hard effort, the answer is both. She absolutely does not want to fuck YOU. Chemistry dead. Also "you are such a nice guy" and she cannot want to hurt you.

Now if your question had been... "There is this girl I messed up my strategy with and just took to long to fuck and now the attraction is gone and stuff BUT I want to fuck her and later-on date her coz i like her. What should I do?" Yeah boy there are answers to that - some of us are bachelors and dating around and we know such stuff.

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

But if she was lying to save your feelings, is that such a bad thing?

This saving your feelings thing is indeed a 'woman thing' and also a 'deal maker thing' and a parent thing etc. I.e it is a human thing. Many times we say to the desperate, "we will see, don't give up", when we know with certainty that it won't happen. It is a sweet lie that humans tell. And as you ask, "is that such a bad thing?"

A few things I learnt in my extensive dating:
"We will see" = For now man, you are down, you don't make the cut.
"Maybe" [when referring to a meetup request] = Strong No.
"No" [when referring to a meetup request] = No, with slight possibility of changing her mind
"Yes" [when referring to a meetup request] = Yes, with high chance of flaking
"Yes, please come with chocolates" = Yes, with certainty
"You are such a nice guy I know..." = You don't turn me on sexually
"He is such a jerk" = He turns me on
"I've had bigger dicks" = Power play. She is saying: "Don't think you have me under your fingers dude"
"He used to take me out, treat me nice, cook for me..." = Power play. "Please be a man and tell me firmly to SHUT UP!"
"I don't want to fuck today" = I'm thinking of fucking you. You answer by looking her in the eyes and saying: "I am special. Don't even think you will have my dick. I am special."

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

Like Tara said it really doesn't matter what her reason is, the end result is still the same, you aint gettin' any

Waah, you know your stuff, "zzwoman"! And yet you never know the reality-denying false hope that men put themselves through for the 'maybe' chance. Just how bad can it get? I have seen first hand a man 'hanging around' waiting for 8 years for a chance with this girl who told her a soft-no. And in the meantime he wasn't "gettin' any" as you say both from this 'special girl' or any other girl for that matter. And the girl? She was moving on with her life and with relationships with other men over the years.

Sometimes it is just too hard for men to swallow that "you aint gettin' any" and move on.

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

Why are you questioning her honesty? She said no. She gave three reasons for no, but it's still no. She seems surprised you want to pursue a sexual relationship. I don't see any dishonesty here. No means no.

True, true

[Shamany Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shamany]

Pursuing her is the stupidest action guys always do. As you become mature, experience will tell you how to feeeel if she really care or not.

Fornow, totally ignore her, no calls no msgs no texts nothin, and see if she'll do the first step to call or text...and when she does talk normally, opposite to what you were doing so far, that will leave her in shock, that you are a different new person than who she had known.
From there you start giving her some face but slowly, take from her more than giving. Your goal is to make her ask you to hang out, never ask her yourself, let it be her idea and from there after first hang out you can build on things to reach to sex later.

However, you must be very patient. Never say anything related to sex or show her any sexual interest.

Try the ignoring part first and we'll continue from there according to what happens next.

[closed155 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close closed155]

I wouldn't mind some varnish, the truth cuts deep. My experience, and I am one man, is that women tell you the truth when it comes to their feelings about you. My partner did. It smarted like I was hit in the face with a whip. So some varnish now and then would be nice.

[Wang McDiddledong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Wang McDiddledong]

And it is easy to maintain these as friends because "I" am taken and have pledged myself to one woman. That is how things are supposed to work.

Well, uh... that's actually quite arbitrary. If humans were "supposed" to last a lifetime with one person, we wouldn't have a ~50% divorce rate. I think it's safe to say it's one of these things that are ACTUALLY more cultural than natural (as opposed to those that many these days say are cultural, but really aren't, like women liking professions dealing with people more than men do etc). That said though, it's probably much easier to discard your ego if you're with one woman (one you're in love with preferably), in that case being rejected by other women doesn't hurt your ego anywhere near as much. I'm not fit for relationships though, that's my bane :P

Also like I said, I can be pals with women, but only as long as they're safely taken (married or something), because then it's easy to make an excuse to yourself: "this woman is not interested in you because she's got someone already". It's much more painful to the male ego when a single, free woman says she's not interested in you, and yet goes on banging all your friends. Luckily never happened to me, but that would be quite devastating I figure. Otherwise I can be pals with girls as long as I don't get invested in them and they consider me attractive, just for the psychological comfrot. Dunno, I'd just find it humiliating to stick close to someone who emasculates me. Exes and past affairs are a no-go too, since that would be too painful - and one of these is the girl my OP was about.

Carnal stuff. You mean she doesn't want to bang you. So your real question here is: there is this chick you have been hanging around near her and you took too long to get sexual and now she just can't bang you. But all along you had thought that the waiting game is the best approach for sex+romantic relationship.

I know all that stuff, Mr. Pickup Artist. The thing is, I've only met with this girl once, since we live in different cities. We didn't have sex, but we slept in one bed, and made out basically all day long. It's been almost 2 years I think, and I haven't been able to catch up with her in real life. Our talks were always somewhat flirty, both before and after the meet - but I know what you're getting at, and I must have toned it down and came across as a bit too nurturing, so she probably lost interest. What's killing me though is whether she says the truth about losing attraction to all men due to certain traumas, because that might mean we could still get intimate. Again, my mistake was taking her for granted and assuming that just because we shared intimate moments once, she'd do the same again with no prodding. She never gave any hints to the contrary though, so I went on thinking I didn't need to do anything, and just talked to her about unrelated stuff. My mistake. Still, I'm not interested in an entirely platonic relationship with her with no hope of becoming friends with benefits, I would never go for that with a girl I like.

I wouldn't mind some varnish, the truth cuts deep. My experience, and I am one man, is that women tell you the truth when it comes to their feelings about you. My partner did. It smarted like I was hit in the face with a whip. So some varnish now and then would be nice.

It might hurt a lot at first, but the healing process starts right away. If you think (or delude yourself) there's still hope, you'll suffer low-key, but much longer. I'd much rather clear the air right away, survive the shock and then begin the process of separating myself from that person immediately. No loose ends.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

She hurt me bad enough already by not wanting to do the sex stuff with me, so no, I don't appreciate any attempts to spare my feelings. I prefer brutal honesty to white lies, I want to know whether I should feel good or bad about eliminating persons like this from my life you know

If it hurts to have people like this in your life then don't feel bad .

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Well, uh... that's actually quite arbitrary. If humans were "supposed" to last a lifetime with one person, we wouldn't have a ~50% divorce rate. I think it's safe to say it's one of these things that are ACTUALLY more cultural than natural (as opposed to those that many these days say are cultural, but really aren't, like women liking professions dealing with people more than men do etc). That said though, it's probably much easier to discard your ego if you're with one woman (one you're in love with preferably), in that case being rejected by other women doesn't hurt your ego anywhere near as much. I'm not fit for relationships though, that's my bane :P

Also like I said, I can be pals with women, but only as long as they're safely taken (married or something), because then it's easy to make an excuse to yourself: "this woman is not interested in you because she's got someone already". It's much more painful to the male ego when a single, free woman says she's not interested in you, and yet goes on banging all your friends. Luckily never happened to me, but that would be quite devastating I figure. Otherwise I can be pals with girls as long as I don't get invested in them and they consider me attractive, just for the psychological comfrot. Dunno, I'd just find it humiliating to stick close to someone who emasculates me. Exes and past affairs are a no-go too, since that would be too painful - and one of these is the girl my OP was about.



I know all that stuff, Mr. Pickup Artist. The thing is, I've only met with this girl once, since we live in different cities. We didn't have sex, but we slept in one bed, and made out basically all day long. It's been almost 2 years I think, and I haven't been able to catch up with her in real life. Our talks were always somewhat flirty, both before and after the meet - but I know what you're getting at, and I must have toned it down and came across as a bit too nurturing, so she probably lost interest. What's killing me though is whether she says the truth about losing attraction to all men due to certain traumas, because that might mean we could still get intimate. Again, my mistake was taking her for granted and assuming that just because we shared intimate moments once, she'd do the same again with no prodding. She never gave any hints to the contrary though, so I went on thinking I didn't need to do anything, and just talked to her about unrelated stuff. My mistake. Still, I'm not interested in an entirely platonic relationship with her with no hope of becoming friends with benefits, I would never go for that with a girl I like.



It might hurt a lot at first, but the healing process starts right away. If you think (or delude yourself) there's still hope, you'll suffer low-key, but much longer. I'd much rather clear the air right away, survive the shock and then begin the process of separating myself from that person immediately. No loose ends.

Whatever the reason she is not interested full stop.

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

Well, uh... that's actually quite arbitrary. If humans were "supposed" to last a lifetime with one person, we wouldn't have a ~50% divorce rate. I think it's safe to say it's one of these things that are ACTUALLY more cultural than natural

Your thinking is this: "If people are supposed to eat, then we would't have people starving" etc etc. Divorces are painful and really hurtful. In the things that are known to cause the greatest unhappiness to a man's life, divorce ranks up there just after loss of spouse/child. So because it is happening does not mean that it is joyful, or desired. It also does NOT mean that marriage is bad, or unnatural, or substandard - NO. Man and many other animals mate for life or desire to mate for life. That is the natural setting.

That said though, it's probably much easier to discard your ego if you're with one woman (one you're in love with preferably), in that case being rejected by other women doesn't hurt your ego anywhere near as much.

You asked for advice, a member, on his own free accord chose to help you. You get defensive and into attacking and debating mode. Does his own life state threaten yours? Are you offering him advice to improve his life? Are you getting defensive? Is it about him or you? He said it is better to have friends who are also female. You disagree - but not just that - you feel also that you have to dig to his life and insinuate that he is only friends with females because he wants them sexually and the advice he is giving you only works for him because it is easier for his ego when these females reject him. He said have female friends, you gave him a theory on egos. Do you really want help? Do you already know your theories and just want confirmation to your pre-existing theories?

I'm not fit for relationships though, that's my bane :P

Quite a theory on yourself you have right there.

I know all that stuff, Mr. Pickup Artist.

I am not a pickup artist, never associated with them and have nothing whatsoever to do with their community. And yet, you find it pleasing to say so, all without me claiming the same. Why would you do this? Does it help to get closer to the solution you were seeking from us? Does labeling me help you further your agenda? Is it part of the solution space?

The thing is, I've only met with this girl once, since we live in different cities. We didn't have sex, but we slept in one bed, and made out basically all day long. It's been almost 2 years I think, and I haven't been able to catch up with her in real life. Our talks were always somewhat flirty, both before and after the meet - but I know what you're getting at, and I must have toned it down and came across as a bit too nurturing, so she probably lost interest. What's killing me though is whether she says the truth about losing attraction to all men due to certain traumas, because that might mean we could still get intimate. Again, my mistake was taking her for granted and assuming that just because we shared intimate moments once, she'd do the same again with no prodding. She never gave any hints to the contrary though, so I went on thinking I didn't need to do anything, and just talked to her about unrelated stuff. My mistake. Still, I'm not interested in an entirely platonic relationship with her with no hope of becoming friends with benefits, I would never go for that with a girl I like.

You wind up by re-narrating your ordeal. It is ok. I also like that you give the impression of "problem known, problem solved". Congratulations on solving it all.