Why is Life so fucked sometimes?

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

So I've never been in such a messed up situation as I am now. A lot of you may judge me and say I'm a true piece of shit, and that's fine, but I just want some feedback here because I am so fucking confused. Alright, bottom line is I think I want to date my best friend's ex-wife. Truth is, their marriage was never even remotely real. They both were confused about what they wanted and they did what a lot of young people do, get married too young. Their marriage fell apart about 7 or 8 months ago and while they don't hate each other, it's definitely fucking weird between them. My other friend is dating her best friend, so I ended up seeing her one day about 3 or 4 months back. I thought it would be really awkward, but it really wasn't. Truth is, I've always had a crush on her, but I didn't really think of it because she was married to my best friend. I've hung out with her a few times and my best friend knows, but he really doesn't mind. Here's the kicker. Last night it was me, her and my other friend and we got to talking and she kept asking me if I had a crush on anyone, and it really made me start wondering if she liked me. I got her by herself so we could have an honest to god talk and it turns out that she actually liked me the entire time we knew each other, even more so than she did my best friend, but she was already with him and she didn't want to hurt him and she didn't know how I felt. She told me she thinks about me every single day, so I figure she has very strong feelings for me. We had been drinking and both of us were pretty buzzed, but not shit faced drunk. I told her how I felt and the more we talked the more I realized just how much I liked her and how much we had in common. I told her that I would be all over her if it weren't for my best friend. That is literally the only thing keeping me from dating her. We actually ended up making out and it was so incredibly passionate, but we did not have sex. I repeat, we did not have sex. My other friend said we should sober up and talk about it then. Thing is, I woke up the next morning and I felt the exact same way, as did she. It's just so fucked up because I truly think we'd make a great couple, and even my other friend thinks so, but I just worry about my best friend. I really don't know how he'd feel. I mean, he's over her, but I don't know how he'd feel about me dating her. He told me one time that if I were to get with her, he'd be really happy for me, but he'd be angry at the same time. How does that make any sense? I've only been with three girls in my life. The first one I felt strong emotions for, but it didn't work out. The second I really didn't feel a lot for her. It was a one night stand type of deal, but with this girl, I've never felt like this ever, and I really thought I had strong feelings for the first girl, but goddamn was I wrong. I am so devastated. I want to date her, but I feel like it will destroy my relationship with my best friend, and a lot of people may think I'm a grade A piece of shit and never speak to me again. It's not like I actually had sex with her while they were together, but it still just feels fucked. To feel the way I do about her and we didn't even have sex is honestly a little terrifying to me. I've never felt like this about anyone in my life. I want to tell him, but my other friend said not to tell him until we both were 100% sure we would actually wanna date seriously. My stomach feels like it's in knots. Please help me and respond. Even if you think I'm a piece of shit, just give me your honest opinion.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

You don't go after your friends exes, now matter what your excise is to justify it. That's just not what friends do. If you care about your friend you'll stay away from her and go pursue other women.

Think about it like this, can you handle losing both your friend and his ex wife if you go through with this... Assuming she will have you and this isn't all in your head. It sounds like this is one of those intense crushes you really shouldn't push, like crushing on your friends mom or a teacher. This just sounds like it's going to end badly.

Don't you have any other women you are interested in?

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

You don't go after your friends exes, now matter what your excise is to justify it. That's just not what friends do. If you care about your friend you'll stay away from her and go pursue other women.

Think about it like this, can you handle losing both your friend and his ex wife if you go through with this... Assuming she will have you and this isn't all in your head. It sounds like this is one of those intense crushes you really shouldn't push, like crushing on your friends mom or a teacher. This just sounds like it's going to end badly.

Don't you have any other women you are interested in?

If anything, she's the one doing the pushing. I don't know how many times she asked about who I had a crush on and my friend told me she was talking about me all night and she kept pushing me about messaging her. She is definitely into me, that's for sure. I don't know man. The thing is, my best friend is kinda fucked up. He did something a few years back that's damn near unforgivable and when I think of it I sometimes wonder if I should even be his friend. It was that fucked up. Pretty much, he showed me just how little he gives a damn about his friends when it comes to the girl he's dating, no matter how nasty and fucked up she is. Long story short, he was dating this really nasty girl who didn't give a single fuck about him and I didn't wanna be around her, so he told me to fuck off. He told his best friend of 8 years to fuck off over a nasty girl who was cheating on him at every turn. Either way, I definitely understand this is fucked. It's like I know what the answer is, but my feelings for the girl are kinda overriding it. I keep thinking well, they're not together anymore, and I really feel like there's something here, but it's like you said, what if it doesn't work out and I lose everything? It's like the one fucking time I actually do something that makes me happy it backfires. I'm the dumb motherfucker that takes everyone elses feelings into consideration, even over my own feelings while everyone else just fucks me over.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Can you PLEASE break up your wall of text into paragraphs?

[Dr Nemo Senior Member Member of the Month May 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Dr Nemo]

If anything, she's the one doing the pushing.

Odds are she's trying to get back at her ex. Women can very easily make you believe they are in love with you; as can men.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

I agree with what others have said. There just a handful of people off limits and she's one of them. There's 3.5 billion women on the planet, find another one.

Also maybe if it had been years and years but 7/8 months is nothing from a breakdown of a marriage.

You'll not listen as your heart and loins have already made the decision as you wouldn't of kissed her otherwise.

Look forward to losing a few friends over this.

[LeafyGreens Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close LeafyGreens]

My best friend did something similar to this (to a good friend of his, not to me). Wasn't even an ex-wife, just an ex-girlfriend.

I warned him it was a bad move, but of course he didn't listen. He and the girl tried to keep it secret, and this worked for a while. But the truth came out in the end, like it always does.

He had a huge falling out with the friend. The friendship is forever broken, and they don't even talk anymore. And of course, after a couple years together, he broke up with the girl.

Only proceed if you're OK with losing your friend and accept that the girl may be (and probably will be) a temporary thing.

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

I appreciate all the responses. As far as her getting back at her ex, that's just not happening. She doesn't want anything to do with him. You're all right though, and it's crazy that I know the answer, but my emotions are controlling me. I've been so depressed for a long time and she just made me feel amazing, but I also really like how she is. She's funny as fuck and extremely sweet and warm. Another huge thing is we both lost our dads at the same time and we can totally relate in that regard. It would be completely different if I thought she was just wanting a fling or sex. I wouldn't even consider this if I didn't think there was a chance of it being something special.
When I first went over there I knew not to do anything with her. I really found her attractive, but I knew she was off-limits. I honestly thought I'd hang out for a bit then I'd go back home and everything would be ok, but alcohol really changed that. It didn't change how I felt about her, but that's definitely the reason I actually kissed her. I even saw a side of her that I've never seen before. I always thought she was cute, but it's like she kinda hid herself when she was married to my friend. I found her even more attractive at that moment and I just couldn't hold back, goddamn I couldn't. She just made me feel amazing and for the first time in a very long time I actually felt at peace and wasn't feeling empty inside. Doesn't change the fact that she's my best friend's ex-wife.
I do realize the chances of us actually working out and having something very real are probably pretty slim. Hell, most relationships don't end well, at least not with both people falling in love and all of that. It's just not worth it. She told me that if I didn't want to date her she always wants me to be in her life as a friend. I mean, she really does care for me. This isn't some petty shit. Another thing is that she has a cousin that has a huge thing for my best friend, and he feels the same way. He told me one time that he wishes he had met her cousin before he met her. It's like a part of me thinks I should have been with her and my best friend should have been with her cousin, but life doesn't always work like that.
I'm gonna tell my best friend this weekend. I would tell him now, but I really don't know if he'll go fucking berserk or not, and I think it would be wise to do it over the weekend and not during the work week. I just wonder if the damage can be undone. I made a mistake, yet I didn't. It really did feel so right. I just don't think it's worth it.

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

Can you PLEASE break up your wall of text into paragraphs?

Happy now?

[Shamany Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shamany]

He meant break your sentences into paragraphs.

[Shamany Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shamany]

I'll be very direct with you, have different view than the others.

For me having a best friend is very very very rare. I believe who will stand for you in difficult periods of your life is your family first that are your parents and siblings, ofcourse if you have a healthy family. Also your wife/husband or long term lover/partner. Then comes your best friend. While friends go and come.

As you said about your bestfriend fucked you up before, that behavior dont show that he consider you his bestfriend as you consider him so. It happens that a women loves her husbands bestfriend for sometime but cant say it while married then divorce happens and feelings go out..

If he's a real asshole and you're a nice guy then be a man for once andvstand for what you want. Say nothing to him, she makes you feel good, he treats you like shit, then go after who respects and deserves you, make you feel good. Date her, fuck her, see how things go. She wasnt a good wife for him, she might be for you or at least a good lover if you have that nice connection as you picture it to be.

Go after your feelings that clearly she share you it. If he discovered your relationship, so what, they are divorced. Tell him to fuckoff for a woman that makes you feel good, esp. if you are getting good together, just like he once did the same to you.

Bestfriend is a big word, very rare, they are revealed in the toughest moments of your life, only then you can name them that!

[incogneeetoe Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2017*Special Appreciated Moderator Nov. 2021* PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close incogneeetoe]

Here is my take:

I was the "best friend" in this scenario. I was with a woman, not married, but living as married. Shared apartment, car, etc. After a couple of years of making each other unhappy, we split. She hooked up with one of my best friends. Not months later, literally days later.

I took off for a weeks vacation and got my head together. Came back and told them to go for it. Why not? He's my friend. A very good friend. If it makes him happy, why not get together with her? For her, the same. We were not a good match. Maybe he is. If she is happy with him, why not? I like him, so good for her.

We were all close for years after. There was an initial rearranging period when we all felt a little awkward, but, in fact, we all ended being roommates for about 4 years after that. They got married. Together for 20 years after she and I split up.

Life is too short to sweat shit like this. If you like her and she likes you, do not loose this chance. If he is really your best friend, he will deal with it. And if are really his best friend, you will help him deal with it.

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

I'll be very direct with you, have different view than the others.

For me having a best friend is very very very rare. I believe who will stand for you in difficult periods of your life is your family first that are your parents and siblings, ofcourse if you have a healthy family. Also your wife/husband or long term lover/partner. Then comes your best friend. While friends go and come.

As you said about your bestfriend fucked you up before, that behavior dont show that he consider you his bestfriend as you consider him so. It happens that a women loves her husbands bestfriend for sometime but cant say it while married then divorce happens and feelings go out..

If he's a real asshole and you're a nice guy then be a man for once andvstand for what you want. Say nothing to him, she makes you feel good, he treats you like shit, then go after who respects and deserves you, make you feel good. Date her, fuck her, see how things go. She wasnt a good wife for him, she might be for you or at least a good lover if you have that nice connection as you picture it to be.

Go after your feelings that clearly she share you it. If he discovered your relationship, so what, they are divorced. Tell him to fuckoff for a woman that makes you feel good, esp. if you are getting good together, just like he once did the same to you.

Bestfriend is a big word, very rare, they are revealed in the toughest moments of your life, only then you can name them that!

That's the thing. I really can't say he's my best friend in the world. That story I told about him is definitely the worst thing he did, but he's done other things. He picks his girlfriend over his friends anyday. She could just be a fling and I guarantee he would choose her over his best friends. He's fucking ditched me at a mutual acquaintance's house. Not once, but fucking twice.

We were hanging out over there and I just didn't see him and turned out he fucking left me there. Didn't even fucking tell me. Just took off. Damn, typing this shit makes me realize how much of a goddamn piece of shit he really is. I just always forgave him for some reason. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only person he truly has and I feel bad for him. Before he chose that nasty girl over me we had an amazing relationship. We were best buds man. Hung out every day, smoked weed everyday, got drunk together all the time. We were inseparable, and we were like brothers. I guess that's why I forgave him too.

I still care for the son of a bitch, yet I think he's a really fucked up person. I guess we had too much history for me to up and tell him to never talk to me again. Another thing, and this might sound bad. Technically they're still married. They're divorced in every way except paper. There is literally zero chance of reconciliation. The only reason they're still married is because they have to wait a year to get divorced. That's it.

[MilkSteak Member Find all posts View Profile Close MilkSteak]

Here is my take:

I was the "best friend" in this scenario. I was with a woman, not married, but living as married. Shared apartment, car, etc. After a couple of years of making each other unhappy, we split. She hooked up with one of my best friends. Not months later, literally days later.

I took off for a weeks vacation and got my head together. Came back and told them to go for it. Why not? He's my friend. A very good friend. If it makes him happy, why not get together with her? For her, the same. We were not a good match. Maybe he is. If she is happy with him, why not? I like him, so good for her.

We were all close for years after. There was an initial rearranging period when we all felt a little awkward, but, in fact, we all ended being roommates for about 4 years after that. They got married. Together for 20 years after she and I split up.

Life is too short to sweat shit like this. If you like her and she likes you, do not loose this chance. If he is really your best friend, he will deal with it. And if are really his best friend, you will help him deal with it.

Goddamn this response really helped me. Thank you so much for the insight.

See, I tried to picture if it were the other way around. What if it was him wanting to date my ex-wife? While I can't say for sure how I'd feel, I honestly wanna say I'd be ok with it, but the thing with him is he's very fucking emotional. Always has been. I feel like he'd flip shit at first, but he'd eventually be fine with it. He might even be ok with it at first, then absolutely flip shit later on.

I just don't know. I think I need to talk to him about it face to face and see what he says. Part of me really thinks he'll be fine with it. The thing is, even though this guy has completely shit on me in the past, I'm not him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to do anything stupid either. If I were just wanting to have sex with her I would not go for it. Absolutely would not, but I don't want just sex. I really like this girl. She makes me feel amazing and we actually could have something special here.

I've never felt like this about a girl, and we didn't even have sex. It's just so insane. At the end of the day, I have a decision to make, and only I can make it. I may end up losing my best friend, who's completely fucked me over in the past anyway so fuck it. I guess I'm just a better person, or a complete pussy hahaha.

[Shamany Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Shamany]

That's the thing. I really can't say he's my best friend in the world. That story I told about him is definitely the worst thing he did, but he's done other things. He picks his girlfriend over his friends anyday. She could just be a fling and I guarantee he would choose her over his best friends. He's fucking ditched me at a mutual acquaintance's house. Not once, but fucking twice.

We were hanging out over there and I just didn't see him and turned out he fucking left me there. Didn't even fucking tell me. Just took off. Damn, typing this shit makes me realize how much of a goddamn piece of shit he really is. I just always forgave him for some reason. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only person he truly has and I feel bad for him. Before he chose that nasty girl over me we had an amazing relationship. We were best buds man. Hung out every day, smoked weed everyday, got drunk together all the time. We were inseparable, and we were like brothers. I guess that's why I forgave him too.

I still care for the son of a bitch, yet I think he's a really fucked up person. I guess we had too much history for me to up and tell him to never talk to me again. Another thing, and this might sound bad. Technically they're still married. They're divorced in every way except paper. There is literally zero chance of reconciliation. The only reason they're still married is because they have to wait a year to get divorced. That's it.

Dude, what you said at end changes everything.

So you're gonna date a still legally married woman!!? And want to confess that to her husband?!

Do they have any kids, were they married in church or civil?!

Any conflict about properties, money..etc?