Jealousy, breakup

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Hi,

I hav ebben in a relationship with a much younger girl for about a year now. She is really sweet and are great with the kids and all is good. When we are not arguing that is.

She is jealous.

I used to keep in touch with girls I have known and I have slept with several of them. I have also one best friend who is a female. We share a a lot of things but mostly we are talking about my best friends issues with guys and such. There have never been any romantic vibe between us but we have kissed one time for 3 years ago when we both were drunk.

I am usually not a jealous kind and I really do not mind my gf to have male friends and such.

But lately it have escalated. She is now a firm believer that my best friend and I have slept together either before my and my gf met or during our relationship..

She also hates me talking to anyone I have slept with. And I have let a lot of female friends go out of sensitivity to her jealousy. After spending a lot of quarrels defending myself for things I have not done or felt. I have started to compare her friendships to make her see that is nothing to be worried about.

This again have led to a trench war.. She is friends with a lot of here exes and lovers and does not see that that might be similar. And even though I have not been jealous before I now act like I´m very jealous. She is spending time with people she have slept with several times a week. And I have cut off all of my aquitances. And to top it off this latest argument she said she wanted to take walk with the dogs with a guy she used to fool around with just to clear her head.. And I feel that the injustice of it all is becoming untolerable.

This last quarrel ended up with her proposing that she maybe should move out. By my experience I can tell that such a move is probably the beginning of the end. And even though we really don't see eye to eye these days. I would actually hate to se her go.

On account of the covid situation my economy is not the best. An her moving out would make it difficult for me.

I´m tempted to call an ultimatum and say that either you stick with me through this and stay. Or you can move out and just leave. I feel like it is a way to set som boundaries for myself and not get fucked over too much.

But I wanted to check in with you guys for some feedback.

I really like this one..

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

So she's allowed to do such, but you aren't?

I would....

[Cpt. Jean-Luc Dickhard Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Cpt. Jean-Luc Dickhard]

Yea I mean it's your decision to make but it sounds pretty terminal to me.
Would she expect you to stop having contact with most of your previous female friends, or the ones you have slept with? I mean some guys would consider that, if they were sure they wanted that relationship to work... BUT surely only if she agrees to do likewise, otherwise it's hypocritical and there would be a power imbalance in the relationship, like you two would be agreeing that she can be trusted to see ex's and not fool around but that you cannot.
And the idea that she doesn't accept that you and your friend haven't slept together, what is this? She is just calling you a liar? Sounds like she doesn't trust you. If she cannot shift that, it is no basis for a happy relationship

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Hm, sorry to say I agree to what you are saying. She wants me to stop having contact with the ones I have slept with. I can kinda understand that even though it is not a threat for her. Yes she is calling me a liar you might say.

And yes she does not trust me but I don't know how I can make her trust me. Lately I have been thinking more and more often.. It takes one to know one.. so..

Damnit I can't seem to win this love stuff.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

Seems her trust issues might stem from her own actions, although I don't want to say it.

Love yourself bro.

[Dance Sucka Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dance Sucka]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That sucks. I dunno why girls act like that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think you actually hurt yourself by compromising with her and cutting contact with your female friends. Why should a partner ever have any control over who you are friends with or not? Giving in to her point of view only reinforces it. By your cutting contact it might encourage her to think that expressing her insecurity that way is acceptable behavior.

I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea, but I don't see how you can recover the relationship. Maybe the best thing you can do is just tell her the truth, that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. Anyway, it's definitely a good idea to end things before they get any worse.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Damn, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That sucks. I dunno why girls act like that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think you actually hurt yourself by compromising with her and cutting contact with your female friends. Why should a partner ever have any control over who you are friends with or not? Giving in to her point of view only reinforces it. By your cutting contact it might encourage her to think that expressing her insecurity that way is acceptable behavior.

I don't think an ultimatum is a good idea, but I don't see how you can recover the relationship. Maybe the best thing you can do is just tell her the truth, that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust you. Anyway, it's definitely a good idea to end things before they get any worse.

yes I guess you are right. We tried to talk but it only ends up in quarrel. I really don't want to have a relationship like this. Trouble is when its good its just too good so its really hard to let go. But I have always been a slave to my emotions and I'm still lookin on a new period of single life so... look where it got me.

[Vbnm0123 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Vbnm0123]

Trust is at the base of any good relationship. Sounds like she needs to decide to work on that issue with you, or without you.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Im still with this girl allthough the relationship is very nice when its good. IT have its downsides. Last weekend we started fighting yet again. This time over a Message she found on my phone. I have a female friend i have known for 8 years. Allthough we have slept together for 8 years ago. There have been no romantic feelings from either of us just friendship.

My friend was feeling down because she cant keep a man. She goes on a lot of dates but she winds up alone every time. I told her she is beautiful and smart and that she will find someone eventually. The fact that i used the words beautiful and smart set off my gf’s jealusy into a rage.

This ended up in a quarrel where she said a lot of hurtful stuff. I tried to keep calm (Witch sees to provosert her)but eventually i to started to Get angry cause of all the wrongful accussations. Bla bla bla. However this ended up with her talking about a couple of her exes witch she said have such huge dicks. Allthough i know she said this to hurt me and that i should not contemplate to much over it.

The thought and visions her Words produced are playing on repeat in my head over and over again.

I will not let her know how it effected me due to the fact that i dont want to loose face. But i find myself in a state recently as when i was younger and ashamed of my small dick. I avoided sex(when sober) And i cant seem to get out of this negative non productive mindset. After my pe journey begun i felt a whole lot better about myself but this insident worked like a trigger and sent me right back to square one i feel. Rational or not.. its there. This is not the first time size comments and such have been spoken. But the first time it really effected me. At least with this girl. I have another «big ex» story in here also. Witch leads me to think i might on some level summon these insidents. But not sure how though.

I dont expect a magic bullet here, just needed to vent. This is after all my dysmorphia sanctuary 😜

[southernprince Senior Member Member of the Month March 2021 Find all posts View Profile Close southernprince]

This sounds terrible. Your girlfriend is actively and openly trying to hurt you emotionally. I read the previous messages as well and it sounds like mental abuse. I have to agree with previous comments, it sounds to me like it is a relationship that cannot be fixed.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Well yes, problem is s earlier stated. Its so very nice when things are good. I cant see myself breaking up with her.

[Replicant Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Replicant]

Im still with this girl allthough the relationship is very nice when its good. IT have its downsides. Last weekend we started fighting yet again. This time over a Message she found on my phone. I have a female friend i have known for 8 years. Allthough we have slept together for 8 years ago. There have been no romantic feelings from either of us just friendship.

My friend was feeling down because she cant keep a man. She goes on a lot of dates but she winds up alone every time. I told her she is beautiful and smart and that she will find someone eventually. The fact that i used the words beautiful and smart set off my gf’s jealusy into a rage.

This ended up in a quarrel where she said a lot of hurtful stuff. I tried to keep calm (Witch sees to provosert her)but eventually i to started to Get angry cause of all the wrongful accussations. Bla bla bla. However this ended up with her talking about a couple of her exes witch she said have such huge dicks. Allthough i know she said this to hurt me and that i should not contemplate to much over it.

The thought and visions her Words produced are playing on repeat in my head over and over again.

I will not let her know how it effected me due to the fact that i dont want to loose face. But i find myself in a state recently as when i was younger and ashamed of my small dick. I avoided sex(when sober) And i cant seem to get out of this negative non productive mindset. After my pe journey begun i felt a whole lot better about myself but this insident worked like a trigger and sent me right back to square one i feel. Rational or not.. its there. This is not the first time size comments and such have been spoken. But the first time it really effected me. At least with this girl. I have another «big ex» story in here also. Witch leads me to think i might on some level summon these insidents. But not sure how though.

I dont expect a magic bullet here, just needed to vent. This is after all my dysmorphia sanctuary 

Well yes, problem is s earlier stated. Its so very nice when things are good. I cant see myself breaking up with her.

My man. Those two answers from you gave me all the info I needed. You are being victim of a women with a strong Borderline Personality Disorder (one of the 4 disorders classified in the Cluster B type). Please do yourself a favor and READ, INVESTIGATE about BPD. There's a lot of info explained by therapists in a understandable language which helps to identify people with such traits. A few examples:

- Conditions in which her is allowed to do what you're not allowed to do (in this case hanging with your female friends and past flings in which now there's nothing happened). Make no mistake here. This is not jealousy, not even in the exaggerated way. This is a power play they CRAVE to have.

- The fact that in some areas everything is great, even incredible, but in others is a living hell. We're not talking here about good traits vs bad traits (for example: being good at funny jokes vs being bad at managing her own money). What where are talking here is the extreme cognitive dissonance. Would you trust in someone who spent half of his life praising and even fighting for the ideals of communism and the out of nowhere you see him trading stocks in Wall Street markets and declaring himself as an anarcho-capitalist ??

- The fact you aren't (or can't yet) properly set boundaries makes you a delicious target for BPD girls. This is even double when they purposely say things with the specific intentions to make you suffer ("my ex has a bigger dick than yours"). The thing that this is the first time her comments hurt you doesn't excuse her of her horrible attitude. None EMOTIONAL HEALTHY PEOPLE says hurtful and meaning things to his/her partner. Not because one have a strong chest made of rock that could mean to allow being shot with cannonballs, specially from whose it supposed are caring about us.

Is obvious that here are great issues which go beyond of the relation itself. Yes, it could be saved, with an incredible amount of work and if you have a strong value (like a Christian one) about being with this girl and even married. But my suspect is you're not even prepared to fight this war. As she has her issues (and big ones) you also have yours. As you present your history it's highly probable you're not learned yet to behave in a respectful relationship and if you don't address these types of issues (attracting and being attracted to this type of girls along with the lack of healthy boundaries setting) the chances to fall in the same mistakes (or worse!) are high.

Please, please. Instruct yourself about BPD, look for resources. Discuss this with a therapist, a good one if possible. Save yourself years or even decades of suffering with dealing with this type of people. The testimonials are scary and you just spent 1 year. You are on time to do something about it.

Final words? RUN LIKE HELL

[southernprince Senior Member Member of the Month March 2021 Find all posts View Profile Close southernprince]

My man. Those two answers from you gave me all the info I needed. You are being victim of a women with a strong Borderline Personality Disorder (one of the 4 disorders classified in the Cluster B type). Please do yourself a favor and READ, INVESTIGATE about BPD. There's a lot of info explained by therapists in a understandable language which helps to identify people with such traits. A few examples:

- Conditions in which her is allowed to do what you're not allowed to do (in this case hanging with your female friends and past flings in which now there's nothing happened). Make no mistake here. This is not jealousy, not even in the exaggerated way. This is a power play they CRAVE to have.

- The fact that in some areas everything is great, even incredible, but in others is a living hell. We're not talking here about good traits vs bad traits (for example: being good at funny jokes vs being bad at managing her own money). What where are talking here is the extreme cognitive dissonance. Would you trust in someone who spent half of his life praising and even fighting for the ideals of communism and the out of nowhere you see him trading stocks in Wall Street markets and declaring himself as an anarcho-capitalist ??

- The fact you aren't (or can't yet) properly set boundaries makes you a delicious target for BPD girls. This is even double when they purposely say things with the specific intentions to make you suffer ("my ex has a bigger dick than yours"). The thing that this is the first time her comments hurt you doesn't excuse her of her horrible attitude. None EMOTIONAL HEALTHY PEOPLE says hurtful and meaning things to his/her partner. Not because one have a strong chest made of rock that could mean to allow being shot with cannonballs, specially from whose it supposed are caring about us.

Is obvious that here are great issues which go beyond of the relation itself. Yes, it could be saved, with an incredible amount of work and if you have a strong value (like a Christian one) about being with this girl and even married. But my suspect is you're not even prepared to fight this war. As she has her issues (and big ones) you also have yours. As you present your history it's highly probable you're not learned yet to behave in a respectful relationship and if you don't address these types of issues (attracting and being attracted to this type of girls along with the lack of healthy boundaries setting) the chances to fall in the same mistakes (or worse!) are high.

Please, please. Instruct yourself about BPD, look for resources. Discuss this with a therapist, a good one if possible. Save yourself years or even decades of suffering with dealing with this type of people. The testimonials are scary and you just spent 1 year. You are on time to do something about it.

Final words? RUN LIKE HELL

What you just mentioned has nothing to do with BPD. The basic characteristics of people with BPD are intense mood swings, impulsive behaviour, black and white thinking, self-damaging behaviour, and, perhaps most importantly, abandonment issues. Saying hurtful things doesn't make one BPD. People with BPD do not crave power, they are irrational and primarily motivated by their fear of abandonment.

Nevertheless, it is possible that she actually has BPD. In this case, the jealousy is a result of her fear of abandonment, and her hurtful comments are due to her impulsive behaviour, intense mood swings (including explosive anger), and fear. She is not trying to manipulate you, she is trying to hurt you because she feels that you hurt her. It's a child-like behaviour, not a rational way of her to control you. If this is the case, you have two choices: either you ask her to go to therapy, and educate yourself on how to handle people with BPD (check the SET method for BPD), or, if you feel like the emotional burden is too much, you leave her and let her deal with her issues on her own. You are not a therapist or a martyr, and you are not supposed to act like one.

[Norwaydude Senior Member Member of the Month Oct. 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close Norwaydude]

Guys.. great input i will take your advice. Starting to educate myself regarding th bdp.

Ill keep you posted

[Liam Strong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Liam Strong]

I cant see myself breaking up with her.

Every single relationship I've had, no matter how or short was pretty good. And I until now, i have almost no drama.
But I make one thing pretty clear right from the start.
I'm willing to walk away from her if she doesn't behave properly. And I'm having talks with them almost instantly when they do something I'm not okay with. And if the don't comply, they leave me no choice but to leave. It's not even my fault, because I've given them clear boundaries.

You are screwed in a relationship where you don't have hard boundaries that cannot be broken without consequences.
If the girl knows that you don't have a hard time finding someone of her caliber or better, and is sure you will leave is she misbehaves, you usually don't get a lot of problems.
But you have to be willing to walk away and act accordingly.