Don't Really Know

[Bandit Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bandit]

I have no idea why I'm posting this. Advice on how to get over it would be great, but I don't know if that's what I'm looking for out of this. Maybe I just want to see it myself, organized and in front of me. Hell, maybe I think if I type it out it'll get out of my head for good. Whatever the reason, here it is;

I've got a girlfriend of around a year now. A bit less, I have no idea the actual length, she does of course. I've never had such a long relationship, and never liked a girl like I like her. As for her, she's in love with me. We had a talk a few weeks ago, I said it, she said, ever since then she's been saying she loves me. That was the only time I said it though. I don't know if I love her, I don't even know why I said it at the time. Just an impulse I guess. She's a great person, but I don't know if I love her. Maybe I do, but I can't get past the disgusting thoughts. Oh yeah, those. Guess I'll get into them-

It's not that she's fat- she always was. It's unattractive, but that's not who a person is, I like her enough I on't really care that much, hardly notice. First off, I cum quick. I was extremely premature, like not even 30 seconds, when we first met. She would get frustrated quite a few times, even got mad once or twice. but always apologized later and was sensitive about it. Until of course she told her friends about my problem. I didn't know about her telling them until quite a while later, but I still feel hurt and betrayed about that. I wouldn't go telling my friends she was loose. I can't really get over that. I have a hard time letting things go, I guess, especially when I get hurt. I still refuse to see her friends, and the few times I do, I just stay distant and avoid talking to them. Not that I want to anyway- they suck as people, and I didn't like them to begin with. Then again, I suck as a person too based on this post so far. One day we went to a hotel, went to the strippers and I got drunk. This was the plan, so I could last long and wed have a great night of sex. Well, I got too drunk, and couldn't keep it up, but itd get hard enough to fuck when she went down. So it was constantly her gong down, then sex. Eventually I just gave up and told her I finished, rolled over and went to sleep. The next day I let her drive, I was wiping tears from my eyes, I'd cried in bed. I just couldn't take it anymore, I'd given up. Fuck it, right? I'm horrible, not even getting drunk fixes it now, to hell with it all. That was pretty much the first time I cried, like ever. I'd given up hope- what else is there to do when you've given up on everything? Might as well cry. Since then, I've gotten a bit better in bed- I went to the doctor and he gve me some anti-depressants. The same day I started them, which was too soon for them to actually take effect, I tried the start-stop method. We had sex for even longer than we would have when I'd get drunk, and the second time was amazingly long for me, and I didn't even have to stop once. I miss that night, it hasn't been like that since. Still a lot better than before, but that night was special. The first time lasting so long, and the second round was amazing that I lasted so long. We'd fucked 7 times once, and I was just as quick on the 7th as on the first. This was different. But even then, I still couldn't even hope to last as logn as her previous partners. Oh, those guys- lets get into them

So one day laying in bed, she asked me how many people Id slept with. I knew this would end bad, so I didn't want to talk about it. She pushed it and told me shed slept with a bit under 10 guys. I know the number but its close enough to ten so whatever. I'd slept with less, maybe I'm insecure about it because of that, I never got the chance to go have a bunch of one night stands. Maybe, I just thought the girl I was in a relationship with wouldn't have slutted around, shed have had one or two guys, things would work perfect. Guess not. Stupid real life.
She never had a real boyfriend. She met a guy at the bar and lost her virginity to him, while high on e. She was addicted to that for a while. She fucked him for a while. Maybe a fuck-buddy thing. Though apparently theyd talk late at night n the phone, so maybe a boyfriend thing, just without the going out and spending time together. I guess he wasn't good in bed, and was average lasting. Then after that, to make herself feel better (fucking for validation? A woman? Noooo way, right. Hah!), she slept with a bunch of guys. All while drunk. She fucked two guys in one night, seperately, right after each other. While high on mdma. Disgusting, whore behaviour. She also had a 3 some- one was a guy shed fucked a couple times, another was his friend. That didn't end well. Apparently the friend "oh my god he was huge, like this big around!" (though she could fit him in her mouth so can't be exceptional. At least I tell myself that) tried to poke her in the ass, and it hurt. That ended that. These two situations are disgusting to me and I just can't get over them, and thinkign baout what a whore she acted like. And how sad it was that she was doing it to make herself feel better, and doing drugs al lthe time (only had sex high two nights, but still). Other than the first guy, they all lasted long too. She said normally 1-2 hours of fucking, and two of the guys (including one she fucked 3 or 4times) never finished. Not counting the 3some, since she's the reason they didn't finish. Then again, she was a bar skank, and they were hammered. But even when I'm hammered I don't often come close to that. Maybe an hour at most now. But before, no way, maybe 10-20 minutes. And those thoughts still linger, the depression.
One was a 35 year old, he was the only one to get her off from fucking. He was apparently "the best in bed. (with a smirk on her face) what a fun night." He also went down on her for a bit, but she didn't get off that way. She got off with another guy, but had to rub herself while he fucked her. Other than that nothing. I've made her cum from oral a thousand times, and once she was on top, and I lasted long enough that she finished. I was on painkillers and was drinking (in order to prepare to go to a party populated with her friends- how sad is that?), so I could last. We fucked and I didnt finish, she went to pick up her sister, came back and got on top. I was quick again but she would stop for a bit and rub herself on my penis. She Finished from the inside. I didn't believe her but why would she lie once, before that night at the strippers no less. Didn't make me feel good- she was doing the work for one, and for two it only happened once, a fluke. The old guy got her off in the first time, and here I was doing everything I could, and still am, and can't get her off. She says it's the best sex she's ever had (I may have snuck a peek at her diary), and lately I've been doing positions that are even better. And I'm lasting ok- maybe a half hour of sex, with me slowing down or stopping when the urge to cum comes up. But if that's true, why wouldn't she cum? Why can't I do it, what's wrong with me? I know she wouldn't cum everytime, but never from penetration, it's just defeating when I know she's able to, and has twice (once old guy, once me), but I just can't get her to. Only from going down. Yeah it's good I can still get her off with my mouth, but I'd like to not have to fall to that every time. Pathetic.

I just don't know- I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, but I'm still depressed about being premature, it still eats meup. And as for her past, I just can't take it some days. In the past two weeks I've made her cry at least half the days. I'll tell her I don't feel like talking. Shell press on and try to talk, and I end up making her cry. I don't want to be disgusted with her. There've been a few times where we'd be sleeping in the same bed and I wouldn't want her touching me, just sleeping on seperate ends of the bed. I was so disgusted with her and the things she'd done I didn't want to look at her, touch her, nothing. But then a day or two later I'll be fine, and realise it's in the past, it doesn't matter. And then a week later, I'll be back to getting depressed over her past, and on the really bad days disgusted. Rarely to the point of not toucing her. If she was smart she'd break up with me, and I've told her so. But she loves me, doens't want to. I've been wanting to lately, though- I just don't know if I can handle it, every week or two thinking about the things she's done and having my brain just go nuts, depressed, disgusted. Why would she do that, it's gross, it's sad, and to make it worse IM sleeping with her now. Who wants to date a slut? I don't even care too much about her magic number anymore, just because in my mind they were all better than me (even though apparently I'm the longest, and second widest). And plus the few bad incidents she had. The reason she did it is the saddest part. And I certainly don't want to make her cry all the time, but it does happen, at least once every 2 or 3 weeks. Sometimes it's just because I'm an asshole, usually it's because of her past or my insecurities. My insecurities, my penis size sometimes cause them, but that's rrae. Usually it's endurance issues that destroy my self worth. Or how I still think every guy she had before me was better, even though she doesn't think that at all. Plus insecure that she's slept with more people. I don't like it when I hate her, and when I hate myself. But it happens quite as of late.

I sitll don't know why I wrote this. It was a bad day. I guess I'm trying to calm myself down a bit so I don't make her cry. She's at the gym, trying to lose weight because she knows how I feel about that too. But I didn't ask her to change, the only thing I'd care about changing about her is her past, and you just can't change that. Oh well, if you want to reply then go ahead. Call me sad or pathetic, tell me it'll be alright, get mad at me for making her cry and thinking of her as a slut. Give advice on how I can relax about it, or move on from the things she did to hurt me. Hell, tell me to break up with her, or tell me to go bugger myself. Or just don't tell me anything at all, like I wish she'd done. Nobody ever helped me figure out anything in life before, why start now. Of course, daddy issues are for another day, right?

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Ok let me ask you this. if a guy had acted in the same manner as her sexualy, would you find that disgusting?

[redbear52 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close redbear52]

First, premature ejaculation usually gets better over time, and if you last 15 minutes or more, you don't have it. But if you want to have better control, try edging.

Second, the majority of women either don't orgasm with vaginal intercourse without simultaneous direct clitoral stimulation, or if they do, they do so only occasionally and somewhat unpredictably. You hear a lot of stories on sites like this from guys who claim every woman they ever slept with came at least 10 times from vaginal intercourse alone. Those stories are bullshit.

Third, if you cannot accept her sexual past history without feeling she is less of a person, I think your relationship is doomed and you probably owe it to her to let her know that in the kindest way possible.

[Bandit Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bandit]

First, I apologize for this thread. I don't know what I was expecting from it. It's just been a horrible few days inside my head. I didn't mean to turn this forum into my own little journal or ranting. I've got a lot of problems, and seriously- what does anyone care? Not a thing. I'm geniunely sorry for wasting your time with this topic, when there are others that actually are asking for specific advice, instead of just ranting off on one of a dozen things destroying their brains.

Pegasus, a bit of a double standard sure. But it's not disgusting just that she slept with so many guys- it's just that she did it because of insecurities, and that's just sad. The two guys in one night thing is just gross, for a guy or girl. And a girl that has a threesome with two guys, that are pretty much strangers- that's just horrible in my opinion. I've no respect for that.

Redbear- I do last more than that, but have to stop now and then to do so. I don't ahve control over myself, that is what I want to gain. The ability to just say nah, I dont want to cum, and keep thrusting without finishing. The fact that other guys with her lasted so much longer, just makes it so much worse of a problem.

I know they don't orgasm that often, but it's just discouraging- I give it my best and nothing. If I get a huge cock, last as long as possible, and am great in bed- she still says she probably wouldn't. So whats the point?

And I don't know- I want to accept it, but I can't just stop caring. My insecurities are brought out because of it, and some things are just disgusting to me even past my insecurities. I know it's doomed, I tell her this all the time. At the rate I get mad, and the amount we fight, we won't last much more. but she wants to carry on, so whatever. If she wants to prolong it go right ahead. Eventually Ill do something to make her hate me, Ill decide I can't take all of it anymore, or maybe I'll just give in to the constant urges to go back to sleeping with random girls

[Flanker6 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Flanker6]

I think you should break up with her. You at least owe her that. Right now you need to sort some things out in your life. Its sounds to me like she changed, she's better and her past is the past, its not something she wants again. You have to understand what this is doing to her. It HAS to be killing her. She's trying to salvage this relationship and you don't even like her enough to look past her history and see her for who she is now. That's low dude.

[redbear52 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close redbear52]

I think it is a bit harsh to say it is low. The OP has already indicated he feels pretty shitty about how his feelings toward her.

I know other guys who found out about a lover's sexual past, whether she had been with a lot of guys, or screwed a good friend, or slept with other women (or whatever) who simply couldn't let it go. If that is the case and the negative thoughts are poisoning the relationship it really isn't just a matter of getting past it or thinking better thoughts.

[Bandit Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bandit]

I do think it's shitty, and I do think I should break up with her. Ive suggested it a bunch, she's said no. I have no idea why, she apparently thinks the good outweighs the bad. I don't know anymore. I was thinking today, and remembered probalby the most hurtful thing she said- talking about threesome casually, just joking around, she got offended and seemed to think I desired another girl to do things she couldnt. This was when I was really bad and uick, so what's she say? "Why would you want another woman, what would you do with her? If I did want another guy, at least it's obvious why I would." What did I do? Say that another woman wouldn't be a pathetic whore with no shred of dignity or innocence? She wouldn't be a fat disgusting slob? She might actually be tight, or in shape enough to get on top? (all valid points, though rude as they are). Or do the mature thing, and simply break up with her for being so insensitive? Nope. I don't think I did anything really. Uncharacteristic for sure, but That just destroyed me. She apologized a minute later but seriously, I still think about it, and it destroys me and hurts me everytime, despite being way better at lasting now. I think of that and immediately feel like I'm at where I was a year ago. Like today, for no reason. Just depressed me right out.

That was a good 8 months ago. See what I mean about not being able to let things go? Some days I remember it and get pissed at her, though that's only when it's already a bad day, and she's doing something to annoy me. That'll sometimes pop up and jesus. Usually though, just this depressoin. The bad thing about being smart, I don't forget anything, and my brain seems to enjoy tormenting me by constantly bringing up every conversation I've ever had about a topic. Funny how that only works with topics that screw me up, like this, though. Oh well.

Oh, fun fact- nothing feels good! Not even sex. In out repeat. I never orgasm, just cum. Figure that out! No good sensations during sex, pbut I could still manage to cum within 10 seconds on a really bad night. Jesus. I should probably see a doctor about that no good feelings thing. Oh well!

[Bandit Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bandit]

You know what, this thread is fucking retarded. I'm done with it, is there a way to close this? It's just annoying and useless, and probably not healthy for me, eh? hah! It's also pretty gay, I almost want to punch myself in the face

[Flanker6 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Flanker6]

You shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Just think of it like this. You guys are not meant for each other. I mean, she can't just tell you NO when you want the break up. Be the man and end it. It sounds like she's not really your type, which is totally fine! There is nothing wrong with falling out of love/affection for a person. It happens all the time! You shouldn't feel bad for breaking up with her, it really seems like its the right thing to do, for both of you. This is just advice dude, I don't know you're entire story although you have relayed a lot.
I just feel like you would stop getting depressed if you didn't feel attached to her anymore and the first step towards that is to end the relationship. Its good that you got these feelings out, buddy. Don't feel bad about posting this thread. Just weight your decisions and choose wisely. Choose for yourself, there's nothing selfish about it! It's a moot point to stay with this woman if she constantly depresses you!

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

Bandit, I've been following your thread and after your last few posts it sounds to me like you are seriously depressed. Not just about your girlfriend -- it sounds deeper than that, maybe clinical depression. You shouldn't be so down on yourself or getting so little pleasure out of life. Have you talked to a doctor about this? You really should, a doctor might be able to help you. There are lots of good antidepressant medications available today (and as an added inducement, many have the effect of slowing down orgasms for guys that have premature ejaculation). I'm not a doctor and I'm not saying that you need drugs like this, just pointing out that the symptoms you describe -- like nothing feeling good anymore, including sex -- sounds a lot like depression to me. Doctors are out there for a reason, and it makes sense to take advantage of their knowledge. Please think about seeing someone and discussing all your issues with them. It might help a lot. Why suffer if you don't have to?

[mtnoelle Member Find all posts View Profile Close mtnoelle]

Bandit, I've been following your thread and after your last few posts it sounds to me like you are seriously depressed. Not just about your girlfriend -- it sounds deeper than that, maybe clinical depression. You shouldn't be so down on yourself or getting so little pleasure out of life. Have you talked to a doctor about this? You really should, a doctor might be able to help you. There are lots of good antidepressant medications available today (and as an added inducement, many have the effect of slowing down orgasms for guys that have premature ejaculation). I'm not a doctor and I'm not saying that you need drugs like this, just pointing out that the symptoms you describe -- like nothing feeling good anymore, including sex -- sounds a lot like depression to me. Doctors are out there for a reason, and it makes sense to take advantage of their knowledge. Please think about seeing someone and discussing all your issues with them. It might help a lot. Why suffer if you don't have to?

Uh, yeah. What she said.

I've been following this and honestly had no idea what to say, or didn't have the guts to say it.

To me, either you're reading into this whole situation too much or, you need to go with the advice that Batwoman has given you.

[Panther Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Panther]

Bandit, I've been following your thread and after your last few posts it sounds to me like you are seriously depressed. Not just about your girlfriend -- it sounds deeper than that, maybe clinical depression. You shouldn't be so down on yourself or getting so little pleasure out of life. Have you talked to a doctor about this? You really should, a doctor might be able to help you. There are lots of good antidepressant medications available today (and as an added inducement, many have the effect of slowing down orgasms for guys that have premature ejaculation). I'm not a doctor and I'm not saying that you need drugs like this, just pointing out that the symptoms you describe -- like nothing feeling good anymore, including sex -- sounds a lot like depression to me. Doctors are out there for a reason, and it makes sense to take advantage of their knowledge. Please think about seeing someone and discussing all your issues with them. It might help a lot. Why suffer if you don't have to?

Bandit - I agree with the other posters. You are very depressed and my suggestion would be to break-up with this woman. Seems like you are not in a good place to be dating. Find a good therapist, be willing to work on your problems and get better. Find someone who does men's work who can help you be comfortable with yourself. You will learn to accept people for who they are after you learn to accept yourself for who you are.

Also, this will give you time to work on your premature ejac problem. You may feel down in the dumps now about this but it can be fixed. I've been through that and fixed it. Even blew in the pants once - god how I can laugh about that now is a joy. Anything can be fixed - don't give up.

Look at some of the threads on premature ejaculation - there are some great ideas on how to last longer and that will help your confidence. Also I recommend keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings so when you go to the therapist you can share them. Also, please please consider seriously not having sex while drunk. Its not a good fix for your problem and I fear you are teaching yourself to hate sex. A vicious cycle that is so hard to break out of.

I know this having gone through a world of hurt on these issues including some periods of depression. You are a good person and can make things better. Keep us updated on your progress - we are here to help and not just with dick size and sex issues.

[Bandit Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bandit]

Well I wasn't going to respond to this anymore, but I suppose the responses kind of tempted me.

Flanker, obviously you do not know me! I rarely feel bad about anything. What I described here is pretty miuch the only thing I've felt bad about because it went against my beliefs. Even then, when I say I feel bad or shitty, it's more of a slight feeling. I have no problem breaking someones heart. But, I do enjoy her company, she's a great person and a good fit. It's her past I can't get er, past. And really, I can't get past anything, some things I just have a lot of trouble coming to terms with and moving on from, things people do or say, or in this case did before meeting me.

Batwoman- Thanks for that advice, best in the thread. It's not that nothing feels good anymore- it never did. Ever since I started having sex, it never felt good physically. Just in and out, and then a tickling at the end. I think there were a few times it felt good. But yeah, other than that, I just enjoy it because of the mental stimulation, seeing reactions is enjoyable. But, you're right. I'm not happy at all. And I do have quite a few issues to work out- mother issues, father issues, self issues. I actually get on the verge of tears every time I think those words- I'm not happy. I feel bad when people ask me if I am, having to lie to them and say I'm happy. But I don't know, there's not a lot to be happy about. There are times that I AM happy, of course. I love hanging out with friends, having sex, entertaining myself. I'm happy a lot. But as a person, I'm not even close to happy. Not happy with my life right now, and I guess the past few days it's just been stuck on that rather than the fun stuff. There's no denying I need to see a therapist, but i don't think I'm depressed. I should go soon anyway to work on my little issues, but I just really don't have the money for it, nor the time. And really, I'm fine with ignoring most of my problems, always did it. Maybe I'm just scared to go to therapy, what I'd find out, what they'd say. Who knows, maybe I deserve to suffer! Many people would agree with that, haha! I don't know. I will give it some serious thought though. Well, no I won't. But when I go back to university in september (oh, what do I want to do in life? yet another depressing conundrum), I will definitely look into what kind of counseling is available. For me, to better myself. This relationship is beyond saving, and honestly I don't want to save it. There's nothing special about her, or anyone- it's all chemicals, there's plenty of girls. I'm not worried about that, really. Though I do kind of hate how I feel about her, because many poeple have that kind of past- I don't want to have to go searching for years to find a virgin to marry, as fun as that'd be. I'd rather be comfortable with it, be able to accept people and pasts. And I just realised, I don't want to be depressed. I don't know if I am clinically right now or what, but just the thought that I might be, that thought does make me depressed. Go figure.

And I don't want antidepressants to help with me premature deal. I tried it, and it didn't work. I've been off them for months and months now and still am fine asthe day I started them- so either they did work in making me last better and now my body just stuck that way, or it was the stop-start that brought me to lasting better. I guess 5-10 minutes of hard, fast humping isn't really premature, and even better since then I'l lstop for a bit and be able to continue going, for an hour or whatever we feel like. But I'd like to be able to have better cvontrol, not ahve to stop, etc. But not take forever to cum, every time- sometimes you do have to be quick!

Panther- Thanks. I blew in my pants a few times! Hah, I was just talking about that- shed rub me through my jeans and Id blow. That was the purpose of it though. For some reason she decided to not be as easy with me, and wait for actual sex. I remember once she said wow that was quick, you better last at leasy 15 minutes fucking or it wont do much for me. I'm sure that helped my problem. Now I do, and where am I? In the same boat still, her not orgasming. From penetration that is- orals fine, 3 times in two minutes today, not to brag..much. But Ill never laugh about how quick I was.
I'm not keeping a journal, or a diary. Just can't do it, I don't see the point in it. Typing this whole thread out didn't make me feel alick better. Well, the first post did for about 5minutes. Why would I hate sex? I used to, I'd get so depressed over it. but now it's not so bad, even though i consider myself still premature. Just can't get past that way of thinking. And drunk sex is fun, sorry. No way I'll ever give that up, eh! How else will I accidentally stick it in her ass na dmake her cry for 10 minutes, the whole while laughing my ass off?!

I'm hardly a good person, but I do want to at least try to be a better one- towards maself and towards others. I should be done JP's 90 days after starting school, I'll hopefully be making a post on the success forum about my now huge penis, complete ejaculation control, and mental stability! Hah, I can dream can't I?

[Flanker6 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Flanker6]

I won't quote your thing because its so lengthy . But you're right I was making assumptions. You're probably in the same boat I am. I wouldn't be able to get past...her past even if I tried. Now I know I'm not looking for a saintly girl, I enjoy women with a bad side, but I'm looking for a woman who's in control. By that I mean, no sex outside of relationships. That shows me she's able to respect herself and doesn't need validation (not to say women who DO have sex outside of relationships are needy sluts) Sure I've done it, and it is hypocritical. But I've only put my willy into 2 girls thus far. (I know, pretty lousy right?) Both of which were not love interests of mine. There was little or no passion in the sex which is what I'm after now. Maybe that's what you really need, passion. I know I'm searching for it.

[Snooze Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Snooze]

I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm going to say what everyone else has, if you can't just accept it and move on, the relationship will struggle from here on out so end it now. As time goes by, it will get more serious and harder to leave in the future if you must. The way I read what you write, you sound like a ticking bomb, and I hope that isn't the case.

But, if you can get past her entirely and find someone with a clean slate who can be your best friend and your best lover and better company than her, to hell with whatever could have been. Sometimes good things have to fall apart so better things can fall together. If only I could practice what I preach.