What makes a relationship?

[SuperSize Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SuperSize]

Well, after just breaking up with my first girlfriend realizing that lust doesn't make a relationship and that good friends don't make one either, I'm confused as to what makes a relationship.

How do you find someone to love and know that they will make a good relationship? I am a very shallow person so for me, attraction is based on lust. However, this means I will never have a real relationship since each one will be built around sex. So what makes a truly great relationship?

All your tips and thoughts are appreciated! Especially from those who are happily married!

[Stretch Armstrong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Stretch Armstrong]

Trust and Respect.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

Trust, Respect, physical attraction, mental attraction, compassion, support, communication, freedom to be yourself... and compromise.

[Dante311 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dante311]

There is no definite response/answer to suffice...

a relationship IS what both partners make of it.

a relationship is the ability to converge on compromise and thought... to share the good equally... and take on the burden of hardships, sadness, pain, and fear together... and WANT to.

To give yourself, no strings attached to your partner, and her/him to you with no strings attached.

There will always be controversy in human interaction... it's human nature. It's how we evolve emotionally.

[NP97 Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close NP97]

A relationship is heaven.
It's hell.
It's wonder, amazement, joy, saddness, pain...
A relationship can be anything at any time. Everyone goes through many ups and downs, but it's a matter of having the love and memories of good to get through the bad.
There is no perfect. Always keep that in mind.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

Dante and Np97 i like what both of you wrote

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

How about you'll know it when you get a good one! It just happens!

[diesel121 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close diesel121]

I've been in both awful/unhealthy relationships and amazingly perfect relationships....the one thing I learned is that it takes a few bad relationships to really be aware and thankful for the amazing ones...at least for me A major reason I feel that most relationships fall apart is due to the feeling of not being appreciated. I see so many relationships where the guys assume that the woman is always going to be there regardless of how he's treating her. I think that by each member of the relationship showing their appreciation for the other, that long term happiness is much more likely. Both men and women like to feel appreciated and loved, but the only couples who regularly express that are new couples (who generally seem much happier!) Couples who have been together for a long time, just out of convenience and routine, rarely put in the extra effort to remind their partner of how much they mean to them. I feel like if you really care about someone on a deeper level than just sexually, that you would want to do things often and randomly to let the other person know how much they mean to you. I'm not saying flowers and all that stuff are the keys to long term relationships, what I am saying is that by each member in the relationship being thoughtful, the other person is reminded of how lucky they are and how special you are.

Just an opinion based off of the unhealthy, sad relationships of some of those around me.

*diesel

[Going411x7 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Going411x7]

Best of friends.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

I'll give you two tips; don't bet on the horses and buy a dog! Remember happily married IS an oxymoron!

[dsmall Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dsmall]

Well, after just breaking up with my first girlfriend realizing that lust doesn't make a relationship and that good friends don't make one either, I'm confused as to what makes a relationship.

All your tips and thoughts are appreciated! Especially from those who are happily married!

Well, you need lust and good friends together. And you need to broaden your definition of lust, and narrow your definition of "friends." And I think men confuse "good friends" with what is not really friendship. Allowing yourself to be used as an emotional dumpster is not "good friends." She is essentially getting what she wants out of the "friendship," but, if you are romantically interested in her, and that's your real agenda, then you are not getting what you want; and you are basically pretending to be her "friend," in the hopes that she will come around and want what you want. Just like you are not physically attracted to your male friends (if you are straight), you need to have the same feeling with a female friend. The same is true for the girl who lusts after a guy who views her as just another guy. And using a girl like a cum dumpster is not being a "friend" either. The first sign of this is when you drop your load and just want to get the hell out of there; and you are just being nice to her so you can drop your load; and then get the hell out of there.

A man can be " good friends" with a woman if he is not really romantically interested in her. if your agenda is, "I want more than a platonic friendship," and her agenda is "I want a friend and have no interest in romance," it is a recipe for disaster most of the time. You can also have friends as couples. Sure, there are always the very rare relationships that start off as friends, and then sparks fly later, but usually both friends are on the same page during the course of the relationship. (I have seen that happen in chick flicks and romantic comedies but I have never actually witnessed on in real life, but your experience may vary.)

In broadening your definition of lust, you might find that you can lust after more than physical beauty. As you mature, you might lust after other things than just physical beauty and sex appeal. You might lust after her great laugh, her intelligence, her warmth, etc, along with her beauty. You might get just as high talking and sharing with her, as you would having physical sex, but it is still a strong physical feeling of desire. In other words, everything she does makes you hot and gives you that physical thrill. A good relationship needs a broad definition of lust. And, it is usually there or not there, it's harder to work on becoming "lustful."

Here is the test. A good relationship is someone who you don't want to jump out of the door and leave after you fuck them; but you still do want to fuck them. And the things that make you want to fuck them, and share time with them, are more than the fact that you find them physically beautiful.

I was lucky the second time around in marriage. I started off lusting after her, not just her beauty but everything about her, her intelligence, her humor, kindness and honesty. I craved the next conversation and being in her presence. When we finally had sex, I didn't want to be anywhere else but there with her, and the minute we had to get off the bed and separate, it was physically painful to me. And I was just as crazy about her when we both had our clothes on. After 11 years, she still rocks my world. And the only thing that interferes with my relationship even temporarily are deep rooted insecurities that long predate her. She is also my best friend, I prefer spending time with her more than anybody else.

By a broad definition, I can say that I was friends with my first wife. We took care of each other during very troubling times, and tried to be very kind and thoughtful to each other. We met and married very young. But I don't think we ever had any lust for each other. And she knew deep down that I didn't feel that way; and I knew deep down that she didn't feel that way, but we truly believed that if we just kept working on our friendship that it would come. It was a 15 year relationship, ten year marriage, that ended very painfully and badly. Over the course of those 15 years, from time to time, she sought what was missing physically from other people, and I got involved emotionally with a lot of women, but reacted to the physical by shutting myself down that way. I honestly didn't believe that you could have both integrated together. And looking at that history honestly, its hard to say that either one of us would treat a real friend the way we treated each other, so at the end, it wasn't even a true friendship.

So, I can say, that for me, a happy marriage or relationship involves a healthy amount of friendship and lust. It's fucking rare. But don't settle out of fear, for one without the other. If you keep a broad definition of lust, and learn to lust after more than physical beauty, you will feel it when it is there. It's much easier to build a relationship with someone you feel that basic lust for, then to try and build a lust for someone who is just a friend. I've had male friends for 20 years, and I still don't want to fuck them; nor do I want to fuck my sisters.

Good luck.

[Brian98 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Brian98]

Pretty much everyone else has said it. Love for me was just generally always being happy around that person, getting a fuzzy feeling inside being around them and doing your utmost to make them happy, i would have probaly died for my ex and i was only with her for 5 months, was crazy about her and i believe she felt the same, did enough to make me think that anyway telling me i was a great bf and so on. Nevertheless things go wrong, stupid arguments here and there when your drunk mess things up! You won't always feel like you love them but it's the couples that can get past the stupid arguments and keep going that are truly in love and have a proper relationship.

[SuperSize Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SuperSize]

Thank You all for your wonderful responses.

I guess relationships aren't always happiness but a mix of emotions and my ability to get through them

[GTO Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close GTO]

Dante kinda hit it - it is what is is and what you make of it. No relationship is perfect - each has its own unique dynamic; what works in one and for one might not work the same way in another ...

[TestGuy Member Find all posts View Profile Close TestGuy]

Well, you need lust and good friends together. And you need to broaden your definition of lust, and narrow your definition of "friends." And I think men confuse "good friends" with what is not really friendship. Allowing yourself to be used as an emotional dumpster is not "good friends." She is essentially getting what she wants out of the "friendship," but, if you are romantically interested in her, and that's your real agenda, then you are not getting what you want; and you are basically pretending to be her "friend," in the hopes that she will come around and want what you want. Just like you are not physically attracted to your male friends (if you are straight), you need to have the same feeling with a female friend. The same is true for the girl who lusts after a guy who views her as just another guy. And using a girl like a cum dumpster is not being a "friend" either. The first sign of this is when you drop your load and just want to get the hell out of there; and you are just being nice to her so you can drop your load; and then get the hell out of there.

A man can be " good friends" with a woman if he is not really romantically interested in her. if your agenda is, "I want more than a platonic friendship," and her agenda is "I want a friend and have no interest in romance," it is a recipe for disaster most of the time. You can also have friends as couples. Sure, there are always the very rare relationships that start off as friends, and then sparks fly later, but usually both friends are on the same page during the course of the relationship. (I have seen that happen in chick flicks and romantic comedies but I have never actually witnessed on in real life, but your experience may vary.)

In broadening your definition of lust, you might find that you can lust after more than physical beauty. As you mature, you might lust after other things than just physical beauty and sex appeal. You might lust after her great laugh, her intelligence, her warmth, etc, along with her beauty. You might get just as high talking and sharing with her, as you would having physical sex, but it is still a strong physical feeling of desire. In other words, everything she does makes you hot and gives you that physical thrill. A good relationship needs a broad definition of lust. And, it is usually there or not there, it's harder to work on becoming "lustful."

Here is the test. A good relationship is someone who you don't want to jump out of the door and leave after you fuck them; but you still do want to fuck them. And the things that make you want to fuck them, and share time with them, are more than the fact that you find them physically beautiful.

I was lucky the second time around in marriage. I started off lusting after her, not just her beauty but everything about her, her intelligence, her humor, kindness and honesty. I craved the next conversation and being in her presence. When we finally had sex, I didn't want to be anywhere else but there with her, and the minute we had to get off the bed and separate, it was physically painful to me. And I was just as crazy about her when we both had our clothes on. After 11 years, she still rocks my world. And the only thing that interferes with my relationship even temporarily are deep rooted insecurities that long predate her. She is also my best friend, I prefer spending time with her more than anybody else.

By a broad definition, I can say that I was friends with my first wife. We took care of each other during very troubling times, and tried to be very kind and thoughtful to each other. We met and married very young. But I don't think we ever had any lust for each other. And she knew deep down that I didn't feel that way; and I knew deep down that she didn't feel that way, but we truly believed that if we just kept working on our friendship that it would come. It was a 15 year relationship, ten year marriage, that ended very painfully and badly. Over the course of those 15 years, from time to time, she sought what was missing physically from other people, and I got involved emotionally with a lot of women, but reacted to the physical by shutting myself down that way. I honestly didn't believe that you could have both integrated together. And looking at that history honestly, its hard to say that either one of us would treat a real friend the way we treated each other, so at the end, it wasn't even a true friendship.

So, I can say, that for me, a happy marriage or relationship involves a healthy amount of friendship and lust. It's fucking rare. But don't settle out of fear, for one without the other. If you keep a broad definition of lust, and learn to lust after more than physical beauty, you will feel it when it is there. It's much easier to build a relationship with someone you feel that basic lust for, then to try and build a lust for someone who is just a friend. I've had male friends for 20 years, and I still don't want to fuck them; nor do I want to fuck my sisters.

Good luck.

Nice post Dsmall. You are lucky you found your current relationship the way you describe - hope you keep it forever. Best of luck