Feeling awful. First blow out. Help.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

I had a blow out tonight. Not happy about it. I got very upset with BF for rejecting me. Although he says it wasn't rejection. I made an offer for sex and he refused. My feelings were hurt. I am not use to being rejected. I got really angry and stormed out of the house. I did not use any profanity or call him names. I am not proud of myself. He saw my worst. I feel sick about it. He said to come over tomorrow and we will have sex. We'll see what happens. If he turns me away tomorrow then I know the fun is over. I do use him for sex but he was the one that wanted friends with benifits. He did mention he might be hurt because he feels that is all I want. I try not to spend much time with him out of bed because I don't want to get feelings for him. He will not have feelings for me ever, that is clear, so I cannot feel for him as I would wind up hurt. Why have feelings for him when I know they will not be reciprocated. So,my big question is... should I tell him this?

Thanks in advance.

[overunderin Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close overunderin]

You mention he is your BF ? then you are friends with benefits ? Also you use him for sex ?
I think the boundaries are getting a little blurred.
If it is just sex, then you really have to accept, as does he, that you both have to be on the same page when sex occurs.
That is not always easy if all you do is meet for sex.
Are you getting feelings for him?
Do you want these feelings?
If you do have feelings for him and he does not have them for you.....well...IMHO..I think you should find someone who will.
You are obviously hurting and that is not good....miss tomorrow with him, have some selfish time to work out what you want.
I hope you are 'ok' and not hurting too much.
Take Care ...

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

This is a huge mistake women make .They forget men are human and just like women they aren’t always in the mood for sex. He has ED so for you to throw a fit over not getting sex is a little inconsiderate..sorry but it is…him not wanting it could be for a number of reasons and one of them could be to do with the ED
I read your other posts and he was already questioning if you were just using him for sex.. do you think he might have been testing you ?

Also you say friends with benefits.. which means part of what you have is friendship, so doing things outside of sex is with in the perimeters of the relationship you have.. He has indicated he wants to do things with you outside of the sex ..I believe he complained that you never just watch tv or things like that(could be wrong just going from memory)

Why do you assume he won’t reciprocate feelings? what I’m getting when I read your posts is your fear of being attached to someone (again could be wrong but that is the read I am getting) and you are assuming you know how he feels .. even if in the beginning he stated he didn’t want more then casual sex, his feelings could have changed.

If you state your question to him like you have above you will just put him on the defensive, because you aren’t asking him ..you are telling him how he feels…its more of an accusation then a question.. so if you are wanting to ask it.. I would suggest changing how you phrase it

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Excellent post ttbb.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Thanks for your replies. Please don't hate me, but I do not see men having a hard time with just sex. I feel friendly towards him. I have tried to learn about ED to understand what he is experiencing. That has to mean I care because I do. And again, please don't hate me, but what man doesn't want no strings attached sex?
It is clear that he wants to spend time with me outside of the bedroom which totally confuses me since I thought we were friends with benifits. Doesn't that mean no strings attached? I think I am doing a fantastic job doing no strings attached. I have been quite obvious that I am over there for sex. What guy wouldn't like just having sex without having to spend extra time with the girl??? I don't get it.
TTBB- I thought only women test. I am really trying to keep this thing at a sex level. I believe that is what he wanted. He expressed that he thought I wanted more and he couldn't give that in the beginning of our relationship. I took that as he was emotionally unavailable and accepted it. I feel I have been doing an excellent job at that. I learned a long time ago do not give more than they do. That makes an unbalanced relationship and one feels there has not been an even exchange (feels used). He has never expressed more feelings for me. In bed he doesn't even say my name.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Um misty, sex and relationships are hard for me and I function well. Hell I am male multi orgasmic and I have a big dick ,hey living the dream. Well not quite, I am 50y ,now everything works well, but the libido is not quite what it was 30y ago. I am not allways in the mood if called upon at short notice. Also the things women say and do ,have an effect on my libido that they might not have had years ago. I get the idea your relationship is more complex ,from your side as well as his.
You both have had issues in your past,overcoming them will be difficult for you both.

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

Thanks for your replies. Please don't hate me, but I do not see men having a hard time with just sex. I feel friendly towards him. I have tried to learn about ED to understand what he is experiencing. That has to mean I care because I do. And again, please don't hate me, but what man doesn't want no strings attached sex?
It is clear that he wants to spend time with me outside of the bedroom which totally confuses me since I thought we were friends with benifits. Doesn't that mean no strings attached? I think I am doing a fantastic job doing no strings attached. I have been quite obvious that I am over there for sex. What guy wouldn't like just having sex without having to spend extra time with the girl??? I don't get it.
TTBB- I thought only women test. I am really trying to keep this thing at a sex level. I believe that is what he wanted. He expressed that he thought I wanted more and he couldn't give that in the beginning of our relationship. I took that as he was emotionally unavailable and accepted it. I feel I have been doing an excellent job at that. I learned a long time ago do not give more than they do. That makes an unbalanced relationship and one feels there has not been an even exchange (feels used). He has never expressed more feelings for me. In bed he doesn't even say my name.

I can tell you for a fact mistydawn that yes, us men do test women. And, for that matter, like Pegasus said, men don't always want sex 100% of the time and typically, most men want a little more than just sex all the time. We like companionship as well.

I think what you may be finding is that contrary to what you may have been taught or educated on about men may not apply to every man out there. I can also tell you that this whole thing about not giving more than they do is a bunch of garbage.......someone in a "relationship" typically does give a little more than the other person does........it's just the way that it is. The lady I'm with currently gets more from me than I get from her............what keeps me there is that I know she legitimately loves and cares for me and she's got a great libido so getting laid or getting a blow job is never a problem for me.

As for him not saying your name in bed, that doesn't mean anything. I've never said my girls' name in bed and I don't have to...........the fact that I'm there with her and not another woman tells her how I feel.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

No on hates you misty
I am a fairly straight up person so it means I will say things that people might want to hear .. you asked for advise so I gave you my thoughts on the situation ...things to think about.


Many men don’t want no string attached sex.. some men will start with no strings because they have baggage or because they are not sure if the girl is the one they want to attach to .. this can change as a relationship develops.

You need to hear what he is saying to you.. he wants to spend time with you outside of the bedroom.. friends with benefits do hang out and do other things .. Fuck buddies tend to keep things to just sex… his interest in you seems to extend past sex, he enjoys just spending time with you.. him saying he couldn’t give you more could be a protective mechanism that you have started to move past now.The name calling in bed .. not all men do this, it can feel unnatural to some people.

I also don’t agree with only giving what you are getting .. if people just did that relationships would never advance or grow ..people would become stuck at one point …yes never become a doormat where you are chasing after a person who’s interest is far less then yours


It does sound like you both are bringing baggage into the relationship and there is a lot of assuming and not a lot of communicating going on .

And I will say this even though it’s a little left of center…I have concerns that you might be over focusing on his lack of ability to get an erection through oral sex…. The direct or indirect pressure you could be placing on him in this one area could be having a negative psychological effect on him .. Which could be part of the reason why he wasn’t in the mood and also adding to why he is questioning if you just like him or the sex… his questioning this could be partly anxiety based. ..male libido is not guaranteed and yes men do test woman.


I also suspect that he might have a vagina fetish/insertion fetish ie he likes to see things go in that are not his penis.. that seems to be where he gets his arousal and pleasure from not direct stimulation to his penis.. the vagina/insertion fetish includes cunnilingus because he is up close and personal with your vagina inserting his tongue and fingers.. if he does have this fetish then he could be slightly removed from his penis and the not getting a boner through blow jobs could be an extension of this …just a thought.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Oh Misty I have to hate you now? Damn I was just beginning to like you! Maybe this just isn't the man for you!

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

I agree with most of what was said above.

Very simply, it sounds like he has grown to feel more for you than just "friends with benefits" implies -- your relationship means more to him now. He wants to see more of you outside the bedroom. You need to decide if that's what you want, too (I mean really want -- not just the "avoiding entanglement" desire to limit contact). If he wants more -- say, freedom to explore what might turn into a more conventional relationship, including an emotional attachment -- would you be willing to take the risk? Remember, if nothing is ventured, nothing can be gained.

I don't know what your answers to all these questions might be, but I suggest that you talk with him and tell him WHY you are avoiding doing things with him outside the bedroom. Also, ask him why he wants to change your relationship now to one that involves such outside activities.

[phil88 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close phil88]

holy shit, lol your name is not alyssa is it? lol just kidding. Hey some girls are in worse off situations then you go read the thread i wrote in a womens perspective entitled " i did a bad bad thing, but it felt so good" its a strikingly similiar situation only mine already ended. and its from the guys side. I rejected her for sex to lol. i would love to hear your persepective on my situation though misty. As for you i cant really say, what goes through my mind is usually very different from other guys lol.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Update: I saw him tonight. It turned out ok. Felt a bit strange. We talked a bit. It seems that he does want me to actually like him. I told him I thought all guys want girls to want sex from them but nothing else. His response was something like when he was younger. I tried to tell him I do like him and he said I just like to have sex with him. I think I may have hurt him a bit.
I sure like that I can come on here and share. It helps.
I don't just like having sex with him because he gives me orgasms but because I like his attention. It emotionally feeds me. I feel very emotionally satisfied with him.
We do not live in the same state. I am here until Christmas. What if I just visited with him but did not try and get sex for the rest of the time I am here? Do you think that will show him that I do actually like him for more than sex? I want to ask him right now if I can come over and spend some quality time with him. I will wait until I hear back from you guys before I do that. I really would like your feedback. Thanks.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

I suggest you do both sex and companionship.

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

I am still thinking about this. He did something in the beginning of our relationship that hurt me and drove me nuts. I had a talk with him about it and since he has stopped doing it. I want the opportunity to tell him I noticed and it is appreciated. It showed me that he cared about my feelings and the continuation of our relationship. I would like to sit and talk with him without the TV. Make him dinner. Only 3 people from grade school do I care to see again. He was one of them. The other 2 I don't text with, I only say hi and poke them on facebook. HE is the ONLY one I cared enough to see in person. To stay in touch with. I do like and care about him. I genuinely want to share this with him.

[GTO Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close GTO]

I've read through this thread and have paid close attention to the words you have used to describe your thoughts and actions, and how you've responded to other's postings, most notable being TTBB's. And from what I can gather, it seems to me like you are simply falling in love with this guy and scared shitless to face and admit it.

You speak in terms of only doing so much cause you say you only want sex, but in the next breath you speak of how this guy fits the emotional need you desire. You speak of how you thought you were doing good by just trying to keep it about sex, yet you blew up about him not wanting it at the time - if it was just about the sex, you'd just say 'ok, how about we set an appt?' Do you see what I'm getting at? You saw the rejection as a rejection of YOU and not just saying no to sex. There's a growing attachment there and it seems like you're a bit frightened by it. And you know what? It's okay. It's okay to have those feelings - just be honest with yourself and with him.