Actions vs Words

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

As a woman I like to "hear" him say things to me for me to believe it. As a man he likes to prove his feelings with actions. We are going on 6 months, we were friends for many years before I ever considered him as anything but a friend. The chemistry just hit me and we are having a great love affair seeing each other several times a week.
I honestly feel he is not a keeper. I have actually told him this. I basically am enjoying him sexually and he me.
I have read many of the male posts and so many of you seem so concerned with being used or played. I am hoping you are leaning more towards the women who may need your money/support rather than your body. Am I correct in this assumption?

I mean women can/should be able to have a FWB relationship when that is all they can truly offer at that time in their life. Never say never. You never know if it will turn into something else. As long as the man knows hey, I love your body, love the sex but not you right?

We are very respectful of each other. We make time for each other. I let him talk/vent (I rarely do that with him however), cuddle and all that. But the hours we spend with each other and the sexting is fantastic. Great time in my life and he concurs. Safe for him emotionally I hope. Thoughts?

Note: 12 year ago difference he is older. He claims never to have been in love. I dont care either way lol I hope he does not fall in love with me. I dont want to make a decision for him by misreading his "talk" but rather stay focused on the actions which are 100% in line with mine.

[Waylander Retired ModeratorPEGym EditorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Waylander]

Welcome aboard Islander I predict that you will be very popular here

[beetleboy Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close beetleboy]

Welcome Islander, nice to have another female hanging around You guys always give us a unique view on things. Seems to me you guys have a great foundation for a committed relationship. As someone who has been married for the last 18 years to the same woman I can tell you that a good marriage starts with a good friendship. You guys seem to get along well, the sex is good, and you respect each other which is probably more important than anything else. As far as being played, nobody likes it. Life is too short and hard to waste time with someone who is simply using you and not being honest about it. We've all been there. Again, welcome to the site.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

Thank you. Are you saying that in my case this is not a " being played" situation?
Again the FWB is mutual. I'm being 100% honest. I have no more to give than this at this time.
He is a big boy (in his 50's) and I don't think I need to worry about making a decision for him, as many of us women do.
I was married for 24 years. Recently divorced so time is what I want. But don't wanna go without!
As far as committed we are to what we have now.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Since you both know the ground rules what could be wrong? One note of caution, sometimes as time goes by one may develope feelings for the other. I find it hard to believe that a guy can continually screw a woman for months without beginning to feel something more than just "affection" for the woman and we know how shallow guys are! It may end up being worse for the woman when and if she starts to develope" feelings". I waould be watchful of such an occurence because that's when people get hurt!

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

As long as both know the situation I see nothing wrong. Sometimes people have heard the other person say it is only sex but they still have feelings for the person and believe they will come around. When one has feelings and the other KNOWS yet keeps sleeping with them, that is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Cusp...My best male friend a guy can keep screwing a woman and not have feelings for her. I know he can.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

You have ground rules or an understanding established .. but it is something that needs to be revisited and discussed as time goes by .. where you start in relationships doesn't always stop .. at this point the two of you might be on the same page but in a couple months things could be different ... just keep the lines of communication open.

And also be careful not to confuse your wishes or desires for the relationship for how he is feeling or viewing things.. guys(and some women) tend to do this, they go into relationships saying" i just want sex i have expressed that is what i am about and she is on the same page" ..but the reality is the woman is suppressing how she really feels .. and is just settling for the terms that she has been presented with...hoping that it will grow into what she really wants...the view being its better to have part of what is desired then nothing at all.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Not all men are like that. Some do have a heart! I judge no one but I know that I couldn't. Somewhere when I was sharing with a woman all that intimate stuff I'd just melt!

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

..but the reality is the woman is suppressing how she really feels .. and is just settling for the terms that she has been presented with...hoping that it will grow into what she really wants...the view being its better to have part of what is desired then nothing at all.

Oh yeah...been in that situation a few times. It sucks. That is what I meant when I said the guy knows she has feelings and keeps screwing her. Wrong!

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

and some women become so jaded, cynical and hurt that they think that's all they are worthy of... disappointment, heartbreak, abuse can lead woman down a path that involves putting up a wall that they aren't always aware of .. a mental barrier is created where they don't think they deserve to have emotions attached to them.. sex makes them feel desired and that is safe for them .. having emotions involved is not safe..
some men find themselves in the same position too .. but it doesn't mean they don't want more then sex..it just means that trust has to be established before they can allow themselves to put themselves back into a position of feeling vulnerable.

[Pirate Retired AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Pirate]

Islander, Welcome aboard!

[dsmall Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close dsmall]

There are guys (and girls) who are capable of a FWB relationship; and guys that aren't. And this is not something that you can work or figure out for him. He may even tell you, "hey, I know the ground rules and all that, but he may fall in love with you, or want more than a FWB relationship.

There are no guarantees in life. If he invests in a FWB with his eyes open and full disclosure, he can't complain if he later wants to change the terms of the relationship, and you want to keep them as they are. IMHO, you are not playing him, if you are honest up front.

But that doesn't mean that either or both of you may not get hurt in this relationship. Unfortunately, that's life. With life comes risks; again, in my opinion, with regard to relationships, it is the risk not taken that is far more haunting later in life, then the risk that didn't pay off.

If you recently came out of a 24 year marriage, then it is natural that you don't want to jump right into another committed relationship. But understand, that there is no "guy' archetype. We are as different as women. There are guys who can't disconnect sex from other feelings that rush through. Whether it is love, or misunderstood lust is hard to say. But yes, there are guys who will need to internalize physical sex or change it into something else, which means that he might get hurt

But here, you are responsible for your own feelings, and responsible to be reasonably honest. I say reasonably honest because it is clear that you are not sharing feelings to the same extent, and the idea that you owe him a running play by play of all your feelings and motives at every second is simply not realistic. You've set the stage. You want a physical relationship and need a friendship, but don't want to be in a situation where it gets confused as being something more. What else can you do? When you are ready to move on to a keeper, you probably should share this new feeling; and end the FWB. Unless you are really capable of a great deal of compartmentalization, it is difficult to have an ongoing physical intimate relationship and open yourself up to another type of intimate relationship with somebody else, and both guys will get hurt if there is some overlap. IOW, it will be tough for the keeper who you are trying to move slow with and get to know to reconcile the fact that you are spending hours in bed getting well laid by your Fuck buddy, and tough for the fuck buddy to reconcile that you are going to spend hours in bed fucking him, and then go out to dinner and talk with the prospective keeper.

If you do try and string both along for some time, then in my opinion, you are playing both guys. Unfortunately, love sometimes happens even if you have the best of intentions and motivations. Your fuck buddy, for all his understanding, is not a vibrator that you can just put away and forget about when you meet the keeper. Try and have some separation between the two.

[Pirate Retired AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Pirate]

Anyone remember the old song "Lust to Love" by the Go-Gos?

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

Thanks. If and when I meet a keeper I would end the FWB.
Thanks so much for everyones welcome and point of view!!

[mistydawn Banned Find all posts View Profile Close mistydawn]

Thanks. If and when I meet a keeper I would end the FWB.
Thanks so much for everyones welcome and point of view!!

I am with a guy that isn't a keeper either. A real relationship would not work. I understand where you are at. Good luck.