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Without ranting like I usually do, i'll try to let ya'll know what's up. Pretty much had my first real relationship with someone around my age last spring. I was a virgin prior to this (by choice, many sluts offered, but I declined). Im definitely happy I did and got to share the experience with someone I hold in high regard. I still have a dilemma I'm trying to work out as this relationship shed light on a whole new problem I wasn't aware of: the health of my penis.
I know I can't change the past but i'm still a little upset all I had to offer my partner wasn't much. Oral and Manual stimulation was no problem (I could bring her to orgasm multiple times) , but my EQ was poor and I couldn't go for longer than a minute. After finding this forum I realized I was doing everything wrong. She wound up leaving me on a really awkward note and split from town. I figured she'd be back soon (like she said ) but she wound up traveling for like 5 months(supposedly spontaneous). Either way, she ended it via e-mail in a pretty cowardly way. Basically giving me permission to get with other woman (aka: I haven't been loyal and don't wan't to feel guilty). Although she didn't admit to that, I knew it was the case. It was a passive thing but somewhat cold. I know she took up a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the world, but my insecurities kept leading me back to the fact that it was because of my performance. In reality I bet this played a minor role in her decision making. Regardless, she spoke like there was a future between upon her return, in the meantime tried to make me green with envy every chance she got. Typical tactics that were so blatantly obvious it disgusted me for a bit. Like having me make a profile on social networking and leading me to her photos which were her and other dudes all over one another. I felt torn and figured that this was her way of cementing the breakup, reinforcing her independence and flexing it to me. The only frustrating thing was the mixed signals, she still told me she loved me , missed me, blah blah blah
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Since all this went down, i've felt so many different ways. I could simply categorize these by saying when she first left (prior to saying she wasn't coming back) I was glowing. Felt amazing knowing that I was gonna wait for her return and had a special person that was worth waiting for . Then this quickly turned into sadness when she told me "not to limit myself", which at the time I thought was a bitch move, but I now respect being that at least she wasn't selfish. Then anger and frustration took over for quite sometime where I didn't even wanna think about her at all, and anything I did think was negative. I managed to forgive her and accept she is a human being as well who has her own issues which played a major role on why she still exchanged loving words with me while frolicking about. I came to realize I was dealing with an insecure young woman whose ego I was stroking. I can accept this but what I can't accept is the last impression I left with her as far as what i'm capable of. I know forgiving her was a dangerous move, because now I feel as if Im beginning to wan't to get intimate again. She came home weeks ago and we hung out a few times but I wasn't interested in doing anything physical . It's just not the same for me knowing there was another dick in her mouth, anything prior to meeting me I can accept but this was just a little much. I know I won't allow myself to set my heart up to be smashed again. But i'm under the impression postponing a hot encounter is inevitable. Everyones telling me its cause it's my first true love, but its just hard to shake. Despite not wanting to be anything more than friends with her now (strictly on principal), an attraction is being regenerated. Maybe you ladies here could shed some light, I think she knows how I feel and is wise enough not to have the nerve to make the first move, because I definitely won't. However, I know she still feels for me and can tell by her mannerisms and hearing through the grapevine. I actually feel somewhat crazy acknowledging that I probably wouldn't turn her down if she tried. At the same time, if this is the case i'm treating it as a FWB situation knowing that anything serious at this point is unrealistic.
Would responding accordingly to her coming onto me be a poor decision?
Im fine if that never happens as I know she's not the "one" now, but at the same time I know the potential for intimacy is there since we've been there before. I've actually enjoyed just doing friends type stuff without the nuts and bolts of a relationship
or Am I just letting my ego take over?
Looks like I just went overboard again, either way if you made it through my short story, say something. I appreciate all insight and criticism as long as it's constructive.
I know I can't change the past but i'm still a little upset all I had to offer my partner wasn't much. Oral and Manual stimulation was no problem (I could bring her to orgasm multiple times) , but my EQ was poor and I couldn't go for longer than a minute. After finding this forum I realized I was doing everything wrong. She wound up leaving me on a really awkward note and split from town. I figured she'd be back soon (like she said ) but she wound up traveling for like 5 months(supposedly spontaneous). Either way, she ended it via e-mail in a pretty cowardly way. Basically giving me permission to get with other woman (aka: I haven't been loyal and don't wan't to feel guilty). Although she didn't admit to that, I knew it was the case. It was a passive thing but somewhat cold. I know she took up a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the world, but my insecurities kept leading me back to the fact that it was because of my performance. In reality I bet this played a minor role in her decision making. Regardless, she spoke like there was a future between upon her return, in the meantime tried to make me green with envy every chance she got. Typical tactics that were so blatantly obvious it disgusted me for a bit. Like having me make a profile on social networking and leading me to her photos which were her and other dudes all over one another. I felt torn and figured that this was her way of cementing the breakup, reinforcing her independence and flexing it to me. The only frustrating thing was the mixed signals, she still told me she loved me , missed me, blah blah blah
.
Since all this went down, i've felt so many different ways. I could simply categorize these by saying when she first left (prior to saying she wasn't coming back) I was glowing. Felt amazing knowing that I was gonna wait for her return and had a special person that was worth waiting for . Then this quickly turned into sadness when she told me "not to limit myself", which at the time I thought was a bitch move, but I now respect being that at least she wasn't selfish. Then anger and frustration took over for quite sometime where I didn't even wanna think about her at all, and anything I did think was negative. I managed to forgive her and accept she is a human being as well who has her own issues which played a major role on why she still exchanged loving words with me while frolicking about. I came to realize I was dealing with an insecure young woman whose ego I was stroking. I can accept this but what I can't accept is the last impression I left with her as far as what i'm capable of. I know forgiving her was a dangerous move, because now I feel as if Im beginning to wan't to get intimate again. She came home weeks ago and we hung out a few times but I wasn't interested in doing anything physical . It's just not the same for me knowing there was another dick in her mouth, anything prior to meeting me I can accept but this was just a little much. I know I won't allow myself to set my heart up to be smashed again. But i'm under the impression postponing a hot encounter is inevitable. Everyones telling me its cause it's my first true love, but its just hard to shake. Despite not wanting to be anything more than friends with her now (strictly on principal), an attraction is being regenerated. Maybe you ladies here could shed some light, I think she knows how I feel and is wise enough not to have the nerve to make the first move, because I definitely won't. However, I know she still feels for me and can tell by her mannerisms and hearing through the grapevine. I actually feel somewhat crazy acknowledging that I probably wouldn't turn her down if she tried. At the same time, if this is the case i'm treating it as a FWB situation knowing that anything serious at this point is unrealistic.
Would responding accordingly to her coming onto me be a poor decision?
Im fine if that never happens as I know she's not the "one" now, but at the same time I know the potential for intimacy is there since we've been there before. I've actually enjoyed just doing friends type stuff without the nuts and bolts of a relationship
or Am I just letting my ego take over?
Looks like I just went overboard again, either way if you made it through my short story, say something. I appreciate all insight and criticism as long as it's constructive.
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