What would you do if she cheated?

[MrsLooking4more Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrsLooking4more]

That's an interesting point, but I think it's kind of a cop-out to say that an idea which requires integrity and loyalty is outdated because people don't have integrity and loyalty anymore. The idea of a committed monogamous relationship is no different than it always was. It required work before and it still does now. It's just the quality of people in general is in decline. I think the fact that people look for these relationships in the first place is proof enough that they want commitment and loyalty so the idea is still valid. The problem is more and more people lack the integrity to act like a responsible adult. It's always me me me all the time with so many people and that's not how a relationship works, right?



I think this is interesting. One person's idea of true love may be exactly that. It may include being able to fuck around on the side and always coming home to their one true love. But both people have to be on the same page, obviously. I have to say, though... I think that paragraph is misleading. It sounds to me as though you're implying that monogamy is controlling each other. And I completely 100% disagree. Loyalty is not forced. It is not a form of control. Two people CHOOSE OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL to commit to each other and be loyal. That's what's so special about it, imo.

+1

[longrodten Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close longrodten]

I gotta say, I would love to have a committed relationship. It sounds so special, doesn't it? One person for one person. Together riding the tides of life, supporting each other.
I see what you're saying. The quality of character found in people might very well be in decline. You don't have to look too far to see what we think to be bad parenting. Kids grow up and learn more from the media than they do from their own mother and father. Parents are too scared to talk about sex, so they leave it to the school to teach them life lessons.

I sometimes think people look to relationships to fill something that they don't have. Maybe they have mommy or daddy issues so they go out and find that partnership they missed as a child.
Or maybe a person wants to feel "special." Maybe a person's motivation to be in a relationship has nothing to do with having found love, but with something that they themselves can feel or get, like the feeling of some status symbol, or the sex they get.

All of these guys who would cut the relationship right then and there if she cheated ... isn't that possessive? "She's MY wife, so she can't have sex with anyone but ME!" It's controlling her sex.
I could be wrong. I am often, but if I love someone, I don't tell them what they can or cannot do. I'm starting to wonder if being faithful has nothing to do with integrity or loyalty. Our libido is controlled by a mechanism in our brain that has been driving us in the search for a mate for millions of years. I don't think it's "Just that simple."

I mean, what about emotional cheating? What if she was 100% loyal to you emotionally, financially and whatever ... but she physically enjoys the feel of someone else?
What if it's not another man, but another woman?
Is this line of thinking consistant in all ways?


You're right. I don't mean to say that loyalty or monogamy in itself is controlling. I know a few people in very happy marriages where control comes from the self. That is, they have self-control.

But where I'm saying control comes in is more from a person's motivation to be in a relationship, or why they would get upset from someone cheating.

I would love to have that one girl by my side for the rest of my life. But I wonder, is it realistic? Is it ideal? is that the best path on the road to happiness? I question.

His could you believe that's its too much to ask for for someone to be honest and faithful to you??

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

I risk hijacking this thread. I'm sorry to the OP if I am. If this conversation is not where the OP wants it to go, I'll consider making my own thread on the subject.

So, I should go bang every woman that I love? and not just the one woman that I am IN love with? If my woman is in true love with me, she wouldn't want to make love with someone else. Making love with someone else isn't true love.

You wouldn't go bang other women if you didn't want to. I don't think you should have to do anything. I think true love is letting a person live their life the way they chose and if they chose to have consensual sex without you, why is that bad?

Jay, what would you lose if she slept with someone else? Let's assume she won't get pregnant or get a disease, just for argument sake. Why can't she sleep with anyone else?

[delts Member Find all posts View Profile Close delts]

That's an interesting point, but I think it's kind of a cop-out to say that an idea which requires integrity and loyalty is outdated because people don't have integrity and loyalty anymore. The idea of a committed monogamous relationship is no different than it always was. It required work before and it still does now. It's just the quality of people in general is in decline. I think the fact that people look for these relationships in the first place is proof enough that they want commitment and loyalty so the idea is still valid. The problem is more and more people lack the integrity to act like a responsible adult. It's always me me me all the time with so many people and that's not how a relationship works, right?



I think this is interesting. One person's idea of true love may be exactly that. It may include being able to fuck around on the side and always coming home to their one true love. But both people have to be on the same page, obviously. I have to say, though... I think that paragraph is misleading. It sounds to me as though you're implying that monogamy is controlling each other. And I completely 100% disagree. Loyalty is not forced. It is not a form of control. Two people CHOOSE OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL to commit to each other and be loyal. That's what's so special about it, imo.

I think the interesting point in this post is the use of terms like 'it always was' when referring to marriage and monogamy. When exactly in history is this referring to? The history of marriage is so wide and varied its hard to pin down exactly what you mean by that. Marriage dates back way way in time, but it has been an institution of so many different types, entered into for so many different reasons in different cultures. Whether it be polygamous marriage etc, and entered into for reasons far away from love, and more to do with things like male security - to ensure the sexual monogamy of a woman and therefore ensure the paternity of a man's children.

Marriage and the idea of a monogamous 'life partner' with someone you're madly in love with and want to spend all of your days with til the end of eternity, and all that stuff, i would argue is a construct of our society possibly as recent as the 20th century. Like a Hollywood fairytale film where the couple marry early and stay happy forever after.

But does that mean its natural? Does that mean its something people should strive for? I honestly believe that some of the reasons people look for these relationships is because they're conditioned to, its expected of them. And a lot of younger people i would argue rush into them to avoid loneliness and anxieties that may come with being alone or independent. In these cases its obvious it won't last - as people grow and get older they change and realise their true motivations.

Is it even realistic to think many people can stay together and faithful for life? How much people might change in the 30, 40, 50 years they may be together could be immeasurable - how would they still be right for each other?

My point being i don't think it shows some decline in the standard of peoples' morals or anything - maybe it is indeed an odd outdated notion and cheating is peoples' way out?

That being said it doesn't make cheating any less wrong, people should have the strength to realise it's wrong way before it gets to cheating and leave, but again i think most people are scared of being alone - especially after having got so comfortable in a relationship with someone else there as a crutch.

As for me i couldn't stay anywhere near someone who'd cheated on me. I personally would never cheat either, but i have doubts as to this lifelong partner thing anyway so to me ending a relationship when i can tell it isn't right is preferable to staying and cheating anyway.

The time it gets really fucking complicated is with kids - they have to be the most important thing in it all, being at such an impressionable, fragile state while growing up. Which makes it such an enormous decision to have kids in terms of is this the right person to have them with.

[Looking4more Retired Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Looking4more]

The fact is many people want a steady faithful relationship but the problem is most are not willing to put forth the effort to keep it that way. A healthy relationship involves both partners giving and taking in a balanced way and both willing to discuss and work on what needs fixing. When you love someone, you aren't denying them happiness by not letting them sleep with other people, you are giving them the opportunity to show you how committed they are by staying faithful. If everyone wanted to eat their cake and pie, this world would be even more screwed up than it is already. Just imagine all the kids that would be born to single parents or parents that didn't expect them and now don't want them because they were impregnated by someone else that they let their wife sleep around just because he so called loves her and wants her to be happy. Then imagine how those children are going to grow up and interact with others. Think things are bad now, just imagine how bad it would get.
I have been married 22 years and wouldn't dream of being unfaithful because I love and respect my wife too much and I in turn expect the same from her. I know that things won't always be super smooth throughout the years. We will have hard times, disagreements, etc. but also know we will both put forth the effort needed to keep things fresh and exciting and will do whatever it takes to work any problem out before it gets to the point where either of us feel the need to find attention elsewhere. Anything worth having is worth working and fighting for. Problem is, people are lazy and don't want to work for it. Others are just too scared of a little heartbreak on the path to finding their soulmate. While others don't feel they are worthy of a good person and find any way out as soon as the first problem arises. I pray people stop making excuses and selling themselves short and work toward finding the right person for them. It is human nature to want a constant companion and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a faithful partner.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

delts verbalized my feelings perfectly.

I too don't agree with cheating. If you two have made a relationship where you two agree that you two are exclusive, then breaking that pact is wrong.
I'm questioning monogamy itself. Why do it?

[faithandhope Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close faithandhope]

Sorry Toadstool, I have to completely disagree with you. I may not have all the words for it, but if 2 people are in love with eachother, no one else should be involved. Sure if they like to swing or have 3-somes and all that, that's one thing. But for one person to just go off and have sex with other people, something is wrong. If I am in love with a girl, other girls can barely even catch my eye. Maybe my eye, but not my attention. I would rather simply be TALKING to the girl I am in love with than having sex with a stranger. If you are IN LOVE with someone, you shouldn't actively seek out your desires, if they lie in someone else. Figure it out amongst yourselves and be on your seperate ways if that is what it comes down to.

With that being said, females in a loving relationship usually don't just cheat out of the blue. There is a deficit somewhere, and it is almost NEVER in the man's pants. He is doing something wrong. If he isn't, then she has issues and no right to get in a relationship and put someone in her line of fire

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

You wouldn't go bang other women if you didn't want to. I don't think you should have to do anything. I think true love is letting a person live their life the way they chose and if they chose to have consensual sex without you, why is that bad?

In my mind that isn't true love, and if I'm IN love with a woman, I never have the urge to sleep with someone else. Heck I don't even recognize other women in a sexual way lol

Jay, what would you lose if she slept with someone else? Let's assume she won't get pregnant or get a disease, just for argument sake. Why can't she sleep with anyone else?

Technically, I would lose nothing if she slept with someone else. More technically, she would lose me. IF the terms from the get go are to remain faithful to each other, and she goes and decides to be unfaithful, she would lose me. IF the relationship was "open" from the get go, well, I don't think there's an answer in my mind for this because I've never met a woman that wanted an open relationship. They've all been too selfish; just like me

[372kid Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 372kid]

I've been cheated on before, and Im on both sides of the argument. Personally, after the last time it happened, I decided that i wouldnt put up with it any more, but I said the same thing with a girl before the last one. Sometimes letting go isnt easy. Sometimes trying to work things out is the right decision, sometimes it isnt.

There is no right or wrong answer besides what your friend really thinks is best for them. If he whole-heartedly thinks he and her can fix their relationship, try it. If not, just bear through the pain of letting go. Them trying again could be a mistake or a triumph; its up to them in the end.

[delts Member Find all posts View Profile Close delts]

delts verbalized my feelings perfectly.

I too don't agree with cheating. If you two have made a relationship where you two agree that you two are exclusive, then breaking that pact is wrong.
I'm questioning monogamy itself. Why do it?

It's hard to be happy in a western society. Not everyone has the ability to get there. I don't think it's any one person's fault though. I don't think people are lazy or stupid either.

this^

I agree i don't think people are lazy or stupid - i think maybe people in our society are conditioned to strive for these things, to et married, have kids, 'settle down' etc - and to do all this at a very early age relative to our entire lives, but maybe this just isn't right for everyone?

I'm not taking anything away or dismissing the idea of a life parter, a soul mate - if people find that and are happy with that then thats amazing. But maybe its a really sad thing to think so many millions of people are striving to find something that isn't even right for them anyway. And even worse in our society anyone who doesn't follow that 'path' and get the marriage, kids etc is often seen as strange. The lonely old spinster or perpetual bachelor who clearly must have too many issues beneath and something wrong with them or they'd be doing the same. They couldn't possibly be truly happy underneath being single or in a series of shorter or more open relationships could they?

Or perhaps, as it seems to me in some cases, these people are truly happy and get chastised by others who are struggling through a long term, monagamous relationship and actually envy them?! Perhaps?

I think the main point is it seems odd that one type of relationship is always deemed to be the norm for everyone. its absurd - the human mind/emotions are so complex that couldn't possibly be the case for everyone.

[372kid Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 372kid]

That's exactly what I'm saying. Why be in a relationship since we're all so bad at it? Why hold monogamy in such high esteem if we really don't want it.

I do. Im a bit picky, I admit, but I want to be with one person and ride things out with just them. Multiple women is too much hassle, too much drama, and too much of a waste of time

[jmack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jmack]

I would not be okay if my gf wanted to go screw other people while she was with me. That's not true love, that's dangerous as there are std's she could catch and maybe even getting pregnant by someone else and having me be cool with it? not ok. I don't think it's controlling, it's respect and loyalty. We all need boundaries otherwise we could go up to each other and shoot each other in the face every time we get mad at each other. Love is like freedom, there are certain things that need to be in place to have true love

[delts Member Find all posts View Profile Close delts]

Sorry Toadstool, I have to completely disagree with you. I may not have all the words for it, but if 2 people are in love with eachother, no one else should be involved. Sure if they like to swing or have 3-somes and all that, that's one thing. But for one person to just go off and have sex with other people, something is wrong. If I am in love with a girl, other girls can barely even catch my eye. Maybe my eye, but not my attention. I would rather simply be TALKING to the girl I am in love with than having sex with a stranger. If you are IN LOVE with someone, you shouldn't actively seek out your desires, if they lie in someone else. Figure it out amongst yourselves and be on your seperate ways if that is what it comes down to.

With that being said, females in a loving relationship usually don't just cheat out of the blue. There is a deficit somewhere, and it is almost NEVER in the man's pants. He is doing something wrong. If he isn't, then she has issues and no right to get in a relationship and put someone in her line of fire

This is precisely what i mean by a construct of society. Even if that's how you see it why on earth do you think that means that;s how it should be for everyone? its an absurd thought!

And as for this thing about women only cheating for the emotional shortcomings of a guy, what a archaic, patronising, almost sexist view of women. Like they can't think for themselves and just want to fuck someone else maybe, or they haven't got the strength to end the relationship beforehand. It must be the guys shortcomings. And yet men never seem to cheat for emotional reasons no? They're just sluts who can't keep it in their pants?! lol

[The Holy Intruder Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close The Holy Intruder]

Toad, once again, I think this is about having a mutual understanding of and a mutual respect for each other's feelings. If you and your partner believe that it's possessive to expect monogamy from each other, then that understanding will affect your dynamic as a couple. There's nothing wrong with that the same way there's nothing wrong with a couple deciding that monogamy is important to them. The point I was trying to make was that people enter into these supposedly monogamous relationships which is a very clear sign that they want that for themselves. They don't want to be cheated on. They want to be the only person in their partner's life. But all too often lack the integrity to treat their partner the way they would like to be treated. In such cases, I really think people need to have the maturity to acknowledge this before crushing his or her partner with betrayal and fuckin walk. Ideally, it would be good for people to realize this before making the mistake of entering into a commitment that they cannot honor, but that's asking for much more honesty and emotional maturity than the average person has.

You're still saying the same thing as in the first post after I clarified the issue here, man. It's not about telling each other what they can or cannot do. It's about each of you choosing to treat each other in a certain way. Look at it like this. If your wife cheats on you and you don't feel you have the right to expect her to be loyal, then I guess there's no problem, is there? No one's criticizing two mature, intelligent people approaching their relationship with different ideals or a different understanding of what's okay and what isn't. I have no problem with you (or anyone) shirking conventional (or old-fashioned) ideas of what a relationship is or should be. I just think you need to understand that if two people enter into a monogamous relationship and one of them is unable to be loyal the way they both expect the other to be to them, guilt needs to be placed where it belongs. If my girl cheats on me, I am not at fault for expecting loyalty because she expects it from me and we both entered into this partnership with this understanding.

I think your desire to question is wonderful, but the way you're looking at this is a little sideways.

[MrsLooking4more Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrsLooking4more]

Delts I agree with you monogamy to me is a culturally driven phenomenon in many countries this is not the norm. Actually it was almost not the norm here in the US during the 60's. The reason monogamy is a most for ME is because I am the daughter of a Flower Child. Let me tell you the view is certainly different from the child's perspective. I am not letting cultural belief change my view or society's pressure, I am letting my life experience show me what is best for me. So whatever works for the person/persons is what works for them as long as they are both on the same page and take into consideration the consequences of their actions. You do chose your lifestyle but not the consequences.