Concerned about wife's communcation

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years--married for almost 11--and we're both the only sexual partners we've had. I've always been pretty insecure about my penis size, or at least insecure about the fact that other guys are bigger. Now that I've joined the gym and started PE, I'm not nearly as insecure about it, which is good obviously. When it comes to sex, our life is pretty tame. My wife works a lot and isn't frequently in the mood for sex, so we probably have sex less than 20 times a year, which is a problem in and of itself. My wife does enjoy movies and reading to relax, though, which is really what my question is about.

A while back, my wife said she was interested in seeing the movie "Shame." I told her that I'd heard a bit about it and would be willing to see it with her. It didn't come to a theater here, so we had to wait until it was available to watch online. Once I found out about the full frontal male nudity and the sexual content of the movie, I told her that I'd prefer that we watch it together. She said sure. Well, we never got around to watching it, until one day I suggested it only to find out that she had watched it by herself. I was pretty upset about this because I told her I wanted to watch it together because of the content--really it was that I wanted to be able to make sure that if she was turned on by it that I was around, especially because of the size of Michael Fassbender's flaccid penis, which is shown in the movie and is considerably larger than mine (the size of my flaccid being one of my biggest insecurities when it comes to penis size). We talked a bit about it, she claimed that she didn't recall having the conversation. And we moved on.

My wife also enjoys reading erotic fiction, I suppose it's called. She's a member of the Vaginal Fantasies online book group, and they read erotic fiction with a sci-fi slant. She's been open with me about that, and I don't have a problem with it. When I heard about the Fifty Shades of Grey books, I asked whether she was planning to read them. She said she had gotten the first one but hadn't read it yet. I told her that I was a bit uncomfortable with her reading them. Mostly because I knew the books featured a sexual lifestyle that we aren't involved in and the main character is quite different from me, including the size of his penis. She said that was fine and she understood and that she wouldn't. A few months later, I was browsing our Kindle library and saw that not only did she have the first book but that she had purchased the other two books AFTER the conversation we had. I was very upset by this, as I felt that she lied to me and went behind my back about it. I brought it up to her and we had a pretty long, drawn out discussion about it. She claimed it wasn't a big deal but that, again, she didn't recall ever having the initial discussion with me.

The more I've thought about all of it, the more I've started to think that I overreacted and should apologize. I don't want her to think that she can't explore her sexuality, I just would prefer I be involved in some way. So if she reads the books or whatever, I would hope that we'd still be having sex and hopefully it would spice up our love life. That really, is the biggest issue for me, that she can always find time to read these books but rarely finds time to fit in "us" time. So I've been weighing whether or not I should bring it back up and apologize for a week or two without a decision. Then something happened yesterday. I got an email from my insurance agent around 3:00 p.m. regarding a car accident my wife had yesterday morning--around 7:15 a.m. The problem with that being that I didn't know she had an accident. I called my wife immediately assuming that somehow the policy numbers got transposed and she wasn't in any accident. She told me that she had been in an accident--albeit a minor one--but just hadn't gotten around to letting me know. This really upset me a lot. I felt like it was another in a line of situations that she didn't feel the need to include me in. We talked when she got home and she didn't really have a good reason that she didn't tell me other than she been meaning to do it and just hadn't gotten around to it and didn't think it would be a big deal.

Mind you, we have a very open relationship and talk to each other about pretty much everything, which is why I'm posting this long story. I'm concerned that if we have conversations where I express my feelings and ask her a favor and she agrees to it, only to have her "forget" later. Or if she has a car accident in the morning and I only find out about it from our insurance agent 8 hours later. That something else could be going on. What else isn't she telling me? That's my concern. Honestly, I've still gotten to the point where I realize that my reaction to the books and movie were more about my insecurities, so it's really not about that. But the fact remains that she "forgot" about my concerns and "didn't get around" to telling me about something serious that happened in her life. Should I be worried? Is this just the beginning of worse things to come? Or am I overreacting?

Also, what can I do to make her more interested in taking the time for us? I mean, we've only had sex 5 times in the past 12 weeks! That just doesn't seem right, and when coupled with all of the rest of it, really has me concerned. Anybody have any advice or thoughts?

[DaddyDick Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close DaddyDick]

Lies and more lies

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

Lies and more lies

That doesn't really help. Can you elaborate?

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

[someone_like_u Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close someone_like_u]

Guys really? Captain Jack, you and your wife have two children right? The youngest being around 2?

[DaddyDick Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close DaddyDick]

That doesn't really help. Can you elaborate?

Communication takes two people and looks like you can't count on her. Sounds like she has emotionally left already. My advise would be to see why she lies to you and why you are not having sex as often.

I am not saying anything but these are he two major signs that you spouse is 'seeing' someone else.

[MrsLooking4more Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrsLooking4more]

Captain, I can see your point. Has this situation been this way for the last 12 years? Or is this a recent behavior?

[DaddyDick Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close DaddyDick]

Captain, I can see your point. Has this situation been this way for the last 12 years? Or is this a recent behavior?

If it is new then it is definitely a problem.

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

My wife and I have been together for 12 years--married for almost 11--and we're both the only sexual partners we've had. I've always been pretty insecure about my penis size, or at least insecure about the fact that other guys are bigger. Now that I've joined the gym and started PE, I'm not nearly as insecure about it, which is good obviously. When it comes to sex, our life is pretty tame. My wife works a lot and isn't frequently in the mood for sex, so we probably have sex less than 20 times a year, which is a problem in and of itself. My wife does enjoy movies and reading to relax, though, which is really what my question is about.

A while back, my wife said she was interested in seeing the movie "Shame." I told her that I'd heard a bit about it and would be willing to see it with her. It didn't come to a theater here, so we had to wait until it was available to watch online. Once I found out about the full frontal male nudity and the sexual content of the movie, I told her that I'd prefer that we watch it together. She said sure. Well, we never got around to watching it, until one day I suggested it only to find out that she had watched it by herself. I was pretty upset about this because I told her I wanted to watch it together because of the content--really it was that I wanted to be able to make sure that if she was turned on by it that I was around, especially because of the size of Michael Fassbender's flaccid penis, which is shown in the movie and is considerably larger than mine (the size of my flaccid being one of my biggest insecurities when it comes to penis size). We talked a bit about it, she claimed that she didn't recall having the conversation. And we moved on.

My wife also enjoys reading erotic fiction, I suppose it's called. She's a member of the Vaginal Fantasies online book group, and they read erotic fiction with a sci-fi slant. She's been open with me about that, and I don't have a problem with it. When I heard about the Fifty Shades of Grey books, I asked whether she was planning to read them. She said she had gotten the first one but hadn't read it yet. I told her that I was a bit uncomfortable with her reading them. Mostly because I knew the books featured a sexual lifestyle that we aren't involved in and the main character is quite different from me, including the size of his penis. She said that was fine and she understood and that she wouldn't. A few months later, I was browsing our Kindle library and saw that not only did she have the first book but that she had purchased the other two books AFTER the conversation we had. I was very upset by this, as I felt that she lied to me and went behind my back about it. I brought it up to her and we had a pretty long, drawn out discussion about it. She claimed it wasn't a big deal but that, again, she didn't recall ever having the initial discussion with me.

The more I've thought about all of it, the more I've started to think that I overreacted and should apologize. I don't want her to think that she can't explore her sexuality, I just would prefer I be involved in some way. So if she reads the books or whatever, I would hope that we'd still be having sex and hopefully it would spice up our love life. That really, is the biggest issue for me, that she can always find time to read these books but rarely finds time to fit in "us" time. So I've been weighing whether or not I should bring it back up and apologize for a week or two without a decision. Then something happened yesterday. I got an email from my insurance agent around 3:00 p.m. regarding a car accident my wife had yesterday morning--around 7:15 a.m. The problem with that being that I didn't know she had an accident. I called my wife immediately assuming that somehow the policy numbers got transposed and she wasn't in any accident. She told me that she had been in an accident--albeit a minor one--but just hadn't gotten around to letting me know. This really upset me a lot. I felt like it was another in a line of situations that she didn't feel the need to include me in. We talked when she got home and she didn't really have a good reason that she didn't tell me other than she been meaning to do it and just hadn't gotten around to it and didn't think it would be a big deal.

Mind you, we have a very open relationship and talk to each other about pretty much everything, which is why I'm posting this long story. I'm concerned that if we have conversations where I express my feelings and ask her a favor and she agrees to it, only to have her "forget" later. Or if she has a car accident in the morning and I only find out about it from our insurance agent 8 hours later. That something else could be going on. What else isn't she telling me? That's my concern. Honestly, I've still gotten to the point where I realize that my reaction to the books and movie were more about my insecurities, so it's really not about that. But the fact remains that she "forgot" about my concerns and "didn't get around" to telling me about something serious that happened in her life. Should I be worried? Is this just the beginning of worse things to come? Or am I overreacting?

Also, what can I do to make her more interested in taking the time for us? I mean, we've only had sex 5 times in the past 12 weeks! That just doesn't seem right, and when coupled with all of the rest of it, really has me concerned. Anybody have any advice or thoughts?

I read just this initial post and I put myself in your shoes and even my current girlfriend would tell me these things IMMEDIATELY. She wouldn't casually forget or just not get around to telling me some of these important things.

I suspect she has lost interest in the two of you. It's not uncommon for couples to drift apart over time and I hope I'm wrong in that assessment of your situation. I've been there, done that and my ex and I did drift apart

Have you thought about the two of you going to some marriage counseling?

[Jm123 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Jm123]

Personally, I see a lot of things that would concern me as well. You mention lack of sex, but your wife is obsessed with erotic literature. You say she has shown a casual disregard for your emotions, and she apparently lies and possibly hides things. Now typing it out this way may make it sound worse than it is, but I personally would be very concerned if you presented an accurate picture of your relationship. Before you go looking for any trouble, just remember you cannot close Pandora's box once it is open, and from your description it might be nothing or it could be world shattering bad.

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

Guys really? Captain Jack, you and your wife have two children right? The youngest being around 2?

That's quite the memory you have! Yeah, we have a 6-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son. My wife works full-time and I'm a stay-at-home dad. She's usually up by 5:30, gone for work by 7, then I don't see her again until 6ish. Then it's have supper, get the kids in the bath, during which time she usually goes and takes a bath to relax, then we get the kids ready for bed, have a little bit of family time, and then by 8:30 or 9, she's usually ready to go to bed too. Her job is pretty stressful, and I know she has a lot weighing on her at work, so I try not let it bother me. She'd like for me to go to bed with her, but I usually can't. Mostly because I have ADHD, which means I take stimulants, so it's really hard for me to go to bed at that time too, and I also have RLS which makes it even harder to go to bed and stay in bed. Plus, after spending the entire day with kids, I need some time to decompress too. So all of that leaves me feeling pretty frustrated and lonely.

Captain, I can see your point. Has this situation been this way for the last 12 years? Or is this a recent behavior?

That's tough to answer. I mean, the "forgetting" about my feelings and requests is fairly new. I wouldn't say she's typically a thoughtless or selfish person overall. We've never had a really crazy intense sex life, well at least not since high school. I've joked that I can't wait until she's 40, so her libido will pick up and we can start having more sex. We usually go through cycles where we'll have sex several times in a week or two and then we don't have sex for a month or more. That's not for a lack of trying on my part, but that's pretty much how it's always been. I've actually started to keep track this year because whenever I bring up how long it's been since we had sex, you know if we're having a discussion about it (or an argument), she'll say something to the effect of "it's only been a few days" or "we just had sex last week!" Even though I know that's not the case, but I never really had anything other than my memory against hers, so I started writing it down for this year. Like I said, we've had sex 5 times in the past 12 weeks. All 5 of those were between February 10 and February 24. And nothing since.

[Steneo Senior MemberPEGym Hero Member of the Month Dec 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close Steneo]

Captain, I'd be concerned too if I saw those things happening with my wife. That said, this a twelve year relationship (with children involved) so my humble advise is to tread carefully and don't assume the worst quite yet. It really could be that it is innocent. She could have had other things on her mind when you talked to her about the movie and the books, or she really could have forgotten. The accident it tougher for me...where was she going? Somewhere important? How minor was the accident? Again, I can conceive it might be possible for her to blow off an extremely minor accident (fender bender, being gently rear ended), especially if she was on her way to do something extremely important/she was stressed out/she had a lot going on that day/etc. It's hard to say for sure, but the pattern does make a person stop and take notice...

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

I read just this initial post and I put myself in your shoes and even my current girlfriend would tell me these things IMMEDIATELY. She wouldn't casually forget or just not get around to telling me some of these important things.

I suspect she has lost interest in the two of you. It's not uncommon for couples to drift apart over time and I hope I'm wrong in that assessment of your situation. I've been there, done that and my ex and I did drift apart

Have you thought about the two of you going to some marriage counseling?

I've brought up counseling before, but she's pretty opposed to it. She doesn't really like to talk about her feelings, even to strangers in the helping profession. Plus, her job is in the public, and she's always been in those type of jobs, so she's always afraid of people finding out things like that.

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

I think you have some legitimate concerns. Not reporting an accident leads me to believe that she didn't want to explain the situation surrounding the accident perhaps because the accident location is in a place that she can't adequately explain.

I agree she may be experimenting without you. Parts of your write-up could leave her with the impression that you are not willing or eager to participate with her experimentation. If that is not the case, you need to make your willingness very explicit.

I recommend finding a counselor to help you work it out.

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

Captain, I'd be concerned too if I saw those things happening with my wife. That said, this a twelve year relationship (with children involved) so my humble advise is to tread carefully and don't assume the worst quite yet. It really could be that it is innocent. She could have had other things on her mind when you talked to her about the movie and the books, or she really could have forgotten. The accident it tougher for me...where was she going? Somewhere important? How minor was the accident? Again, I can conceive it might be possible for her to blow off an extremely minor accident (fender bender, being gently rear ended), especially if she was on her way to do something extremely important/she was stressed out/she had a lot going on that day/etc. It's hard to say for sure, but the pattern does make a person stop and take notice...

I agree that it is probably something innocent. The accident was a fender bender, and she was on her way to work, but she was still about 5 minutes from work, and she always gets to work about 30 minutes to an hour before the rest of her staff does, so she had plenty of time to tell me about it. The thing that really bothered me was that, when the email from the insurance agent came across, my attention went directly to her name, "accident," "this morning," and "DNR"--which is the name of the other person's insurance company, but automatically translated in my head to "do not resuscitate," so for that brief second, my mind went to that she had a horrible accident. I quickly figured out what the email really said, but for that second I was thinking she was in a severe accident and in the hospital. So when I realized what was really going on, it just infuriated me that she hadn't told me herself. I guess, for me, our relationship has always been one that we tell each other stuff like that right away. Once, about a year ago, I hit a cat while driving to work. I'd never hit an animal before, let alone possibly someone's pet, so I felt pretty shitty about it, so I called her right away. So I don't understand why she wouldn't do the same. Especially considering the accident was her fault, so we might be liable for claims, so it's also a possible financial situation as well.