HELP I just found out the girl of my dreams just cheated on me. I need advice

[skidishdeer Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close skidishdeer]

Hey guys, I have been on and off this site for a couple years now and I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about my current situation. Hopefully you can give me an un biased opinion, so here goes....

exactly one year ago I hooked up with a friend of mine. We had gone to college together but didnt become friends untill after we graduated (i am 27 now). Needless to say, we have a TON of the same friends. I was living in Texas and she was living in California, but after our first hook up she flew out to see me twice and I flew back to see her twice. So we became official and although it was long distance we skyped every night and when we did see each other it would be for 1-2 weeks at a time and we would have really good sex. Things got serious fast. We met each others families and started to figure out a plan on how to be together.

She had a job and I work from my computer so we decided that she should quit her work, sell her car, and come travel with me around the world for 6 months. I told her if she paid for the plane tickets, I would pay for everything else. So thats what she did. In the beginning of October I flew to California, met up with her and we embarked upon an amazing 10 country 4 month trip. Over these 4 months we were together every second, and I fell in love with her even more. She got pregnant and we decided to have an abortion in January. It was for selfish reasons I guess, but it was for sure the toughest thing we have had to deal with in our relationship so far. So in Februray, we both decide to move to Texas together, where I can start a business with a long time collegue of mine.

We move into a cozy apartment, and for the past month or two we have been living what I consider to be an awesome super healthy life. Whenever I am down, or scared, she always has been there for me. We actually talked last week about getting married.

Well this past week she has a girls trip planned back in California with 5 of her best friends, so she flys back. I talk with her last night on the phone when she is drunk and she said she ran into her ex boyfriend at a restaurant with all of her friends at lunch. Now their history: He is in his 50s. They dated for about 2 years. Hes rich and apparently has a huge perfect penis. Although I consider sex with her good I always felt like it could be better.

So the first thought that crosses my mind is, what are the chances of you running into your ex in a town of 10 million people. ( She still says it was completely random, but at this point I dont know what to trust) So I pull out my laptop which she has basically taken on as her own, and I open up her gmail, which she left signed on. Now up to this point, I honestly trusted her with my life, and I am not the type of guy to go through texts or emails, but I just had this feeling. So instead of going through old emails I go through old chat logs (which are hard to delete). I find a conversation she had with her best friend telling her that right before we left for our travels in October, when were still int he long distance phase, she went out to dinner with her ex, went over to his house and fucked him.

So I confront her about this this morning, and she finally comes clean ( I think it would have been better if she told me on her own). I just talked to her own the phone, and shes crying and telling me all the "i love you", "i will prove to you I am better" "I am so sorry" all the typical stuff you would expect. Now you have to understand, that up untill about 24 hours ago I really thought I would marry this girl. But now I am realizing how the whole relationship has been a lie.

I NEED ADVICE. She is flying back tmrw. Is there ANYWAY at all I can save this relationship? Would I be dumb to even try? Is there a future? Should I dump her and move on?

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

I didn't read your whole post, but if you're a normal guy, you won't ever be able to trust her again. I would push her away, because if you don't, she'll probably do it again. Head up brother, it happens to the best of us.

[g2kc Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close g2kc]

ull never forget it... u might forgive her, but ull never forget... u wont be able to trust her and ull always feel doubts.... id move on, Or go fuck her friends...ur call

[MrsLooking4more Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrsLooking4more]

Do you want to save a relationship that STARTING out this way? This is not a situation were you suspect something happened. She has admitted something did when she was cognizant she was on her way to you. She hooked up with someone old enough to be her father. WOW.

You really need to think about this and decide if you are willing to live with it. If is happening right of the bat, likelihood is not on your favor, to avoid repeat behavior. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Looking4more Retired Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Looking4more]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Really a tough call but it all is up to you now. Personally I couldn't even imagine taking her back. I would never forget it and always be wondering if she will do it again. I have seen friends do the forgive and forget thing but that always ended up being repeated behavior. Of course I can't compare your relationship to mine since I have been married for 20+ years and yours is just getting off the ground. Even with 22 years behind us, I would find it extremely hard to forgive but honestly don't know how I would react. In your case, it's not off to a good start and probably should be ended now. I would give her the opportunity to explain just so you can make an educated decision on what to do. Not so she can talk her way out of it but more for you to rest easy knowing you didn't jump to any conclusions and at least gave it whatever little chance it may have no matter what your decision is. Good luck with it.

[TehDBare Senior Member Member of the Month Sept 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TehDBare]

Difficult to say the least. I agree with g2kc in that you'll never forget, there will be random times years down the road when it will pop into your head and haunt you, but for 99% of the time you'll be fine, but that 1% is a bitch. I can understand that during a LDR she wasn't necessarily committed or even really in love with you, so being with her ex might have just been a period of loneliness. The thing to understand though is that if she fell in love with you during you wonderful trip together then her indiscretion was in a different phase of the relationship. The thing to examine closely though is during your big trip did she fall in love with you or with the experience she shared with you? Not to get all geeky but it has been proven that new experiences like traveling like you did generates a chemical brain response, dopamine is released which is the same "in love" chemical response. If she fell in love with you as a person then I'd say let it go and consider the trip as the start of the relationship, if it was the trip itself then she's on a chemical high and maybe doesn't love you for you. The easiest way to tell is to look back at the pictures from the trip. I commented on this with my ex-wife recently (we are still very good friends, only couple I've ever met who divorced without lawyers or any drama), she had a new beau and took a trip with him, I pointed out that in the pictures she posted on Facebook she looked happy in photos of herself and the surroundings but when with her new "love" she was missing that exuberance. I truly want my ex to be happy and find someone but it didn't add up, a few months later he dropped her over something stupid and made clear he wasn't what he appeared to be, glad she found out sooner than later. But I'm getting away from my point, take an objective view of the relationship. If she was with her ex before things really got serious then it's really not anything more than a moment of loneliness, if she truly loves you for you now then stay and get the images and his penis size out of your head. If she fell in love with the trip which you happened to be on and not you then move on (easier said than done). So how do you definitively make that determination? The picture suggestion is rather subjective. The idea that she randomly ran into him in CA is suspicious at best. Her reaction of being remorseful and wanting to prove she loves you is promising. The fact that she hid her indiscretion means she is remorseful and didn't tell you about it becaus she didn't want to hurt your feelings. What to do at this point is to look at this and look closely at everything else, listen to your gut. If upon close scrutiny she has told you things that aren't backed up by actions and how she treats you (from the point of falling in love forwards, forget during the LDR) then she has a problem being open and honest with you. Trust your gut because your head will try and rationalize things to put your heart at ease. If you have an uneasy feeling about some thing then confront her, see what her reaction is and if her response makes sense. If she is remorseful and wants to make things right then she will be completely up front and honest (tell her ahead of time that you want her to be 100% honest no matter what it is), if she is able to do that then she is in love with you and deeply regrets what happened. If she skirts around then issue then run, consider yourself lucky to have found out before you got married. If she can't be open and honest now then she won't be open and honest twenty years from now and you'll regret wasting your time with her. Marriage is no place for hiding and playing games, if you both can't be completely open and accept each other, warts and all, then it is doomed to fail.

Dont get hung up on what you see as infidelity, LDRs are a different world and given your situation at that time she might not have been in love with you yet. But I warn you if you stay together to listen to your gut. If she was willing to stray in an LDR then when you reach a point years into a marriage when things aren't going well she may stray again. The key is to always remain open and honest with one another. As long as you listen and she brings up issues as the marriage goes along then you'll be fine. But if you both fall into a rut where she gets lonely then she has proven she will stray, don't let it ever get to that point. But the best advice I can give you is to wait on the marriage until you are certain. Listen to her words and confirm their legitimacy by her actions. People can easily say things but it's their actions that prove the intent of their words.

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

What she did is pretty terrible, but it doesn't sound to me like we know all the details. That said, I don't think I could get past it. And based on the type of guy you sound like, I don't think you're going to get past it either. It's not really fair to either of you to try to save something that's unsaveable. I'd suggest being completely honest with her about how much this has hurt you and how terrible it is and that, even though you love her, you can't be with someone who would do that to you. I'd suggest not resorting to name calling or being hurtful, though. As much as you are hurting right now, you don't want to lash out because of it, and give her any reason to see you as anything other than the awesome guy who she betrayed and lost a potential future with.

Good luck.

[skidishdeer Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close skidishdeer]

Thanks for the responses guys. Do any of you know/or have friends where a relationship has gone back to "good" after everything is cleared out and in the open air? Or is it 100% doomed to fail

[Captain Jack Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Captain Jack]

I don't think anything is ever 100% doomed. I'm sure there are plenty of couples who make it work after something like this. I'm sure it really just depends on the individuals. Personally, my dad cheated on my mom about 20 years ago. They'd been married for 10 years or so at the time. They separated for a while, both got involved with other people, and it looked like they were heading for divorce, but they got back together. I don't know the logistics of how they mended the relationship, I have a very poor memory of that time (I think I blocked it out), but they've been married for 32 years now. And they say they're "happier than ever." That said, I also know my dad has carried around a tremendous amount of guilt for the past 20 years. Some of their ability to fix things might also have done with the fact that they both got involved with other people while they were separated--not that I'm suggesting you go have sex with someone else or anything.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

Thanks for the responses guys. Do any of you know/or have friends where a relationship has gone back to "good" after everything is cleared out and in the open air? Or is it 100% doomed to fail

That depends... Can you trust her to not cheat again? If not, then it is doomed. Also, you shouldn't have to deal with the insecurities that you will be dealing with, to be with her. Every time that you two are apart, your mind will be playing tricks on you, thinking she is cheating on you. That is too much to live with, especially when her cheating was her fuck up, and not yours.

So why should you have to bite the bullet? You should be the one pulling the damn trigger, bro.

[Revolved Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Revolved]

Fuq dot

[skidishdeer Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close skidishdeer]

If she had come clean on her own would that have made a difference then me finding out and confronting her?

[jamaicanstalion Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close jamaicanstalion]

Happens to the best of us, as large as I am my girl cheated on me for partying and going out. She confessed to one and I peiced together the events. She just loved the fast life n I'm a slow pace guy, who knows how many times she cheated?. It's even more difficult in ur case because u have invested into this but trusting her again for me as a fellow computer person wud involve putting key loggers on her phone and computer. It's that serious, people cheat for alot of reasons but there are good girls out there.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

If she had come clean on her own would that have made a difference then me finding out and confronting her?

I don't know, would it? For me it sure in the fuck wouldn't. She still cheated!!!

[Guest Close shanghai1334]

skidishdeer - I think the abortion has placed a big strain on your relationship. Sounds like she was needing comfort and stablity from someone. That happens sometimes a person will try to find what they are wanting the most from someone else and I am not talking about a bigger dick either. It takes two committed people to make it through something like infidelity. Yes a relationship can be saved. A person has to come clean and start from a clean slate so to speak. The challenge is to forgive. Forgiveness on your part will dictate how your relationship moves forward. Being honest and truthful on her part will play a big part. If you two really love each other and this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with by all means go through the troubled waters and you will come out stronger. I promise you this. Yes you will have nights with no sleep from talking, yes you will cry togeter, and yes you will have anger and the biggest damn question that is only one word - Why? You may never get the answer to why, but if you two are really honest with each other you will. I know from experience on this matter. It will take time for what is called intrusive thoughts popping in your mind. Don't ask detailed questions of what happened in the bed with that other guy. It only leads to other issues. The hardest part will be for you and it all depends on your maturity is to forgive that guy she was with. I know others reading may say WTF am I talking about, but I assure you if you dont you will continue to have rage in your heart and it will only undemind your relationship with her. Forgiveness is a powerful tool when it is used as it meant to be used as. Too many couples split only to have the same thing happened with others. Now dont get me wrong there is a time and place the couples need to go their own ways. Believe me if you make it together through this it will solidify your foundation as a couple. You will learn to lean on each other. But rememeber it takes two. I highly recommend a book entitled - The Love Dare.