Wait it out or end it?

[GTG Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTG]

Hey guys,

I started a thread a few weeks ago about a girl who needs time to heal, and once again, I find myself needing to vent.

I'm considering ending it with this girl. We've been vibing for about 2 months now, or so, and I'm a bit frustrated. To begin with, we were rather couple-like, and fun , which ended when she started to reveal some emotional issues, and we effectively ended it (She claimed she isn't emotionally ready). I didn't let this phase me, and about a week later we started to get back together, with her being the initiate. Since then, things were good until recently. (About just under a week ago).

It started when she became colder to text, stopped initiating contact etc. She claims that this is because of University stress, and that as people push further , she withdraws even more when stressed. I get that, but I am finding it extremely unsettling to not know where I stand with her. She cancelled plans to sleep over tonight, on Saturday after my prompting to find out whether we were still on, which I didn't particularly feel any remorse from on her end, and I'm not quite sure when I will see her again due to this being a difficult time with exams starting next week.

I got rather comfortable with her, and I loved to bring her food (homecooked as she is in rez), sweets etc, but I'm getting tired of uncertainty. I feel as though I don't quite know what I am to her. She has claimed that she only "vibes" someone if she is heading towards a relationship with them, but frankly, I feel no affection as of late. It is rather hot, and then cold, with her. We also haven't progressed sexually, which I am finding frustrating.

Up until now I had continued being sweet, and nice, with her, but this has backfired, and I plan to withdraw. I'm not initiating messages etc, at least for the next two weeks or so. I need to cut some emotions I have for her obviously, as I obviously value her more so than her me. She is also heading away for most of January, which I feel adds a deadline to whatever it is we are doing.

I think a large part of why I haven't ended it is that I really fear being single again, after a massive dry spell, and that I really want to have sex, as crude as that is to say so bluntly.

Sorry for the long post, it is half a rant, half a search for advice.

Also, I feel it's important to add that I am in abit of a sensitive/depressed head space at the moment, which I am just coming out of, which may be influencing how I perceive things.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

If you arn't having sex she is not your girlfriend.

[GTG Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTG]

I don't agree fully with that, but I do think the lack of sex has really changed the dynamic, compared to if it were there. That I can agree on.

If I don't end it, sex is going to be the next issue I tackle with her, once exams are over (end of next week).

She has told me before that barring a in the heat of the moment type event, she would like to wait around 3 months or so, before progressing sexually with anyone. I think this is perhaps due to events in her past.

[someone_like_u Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close someone_like_u]

GTG, seems like you and this girl, your paths are heading in different directions. She's stressed to the max(plus add past baggage) and I think you two are wanting different things out of a relationship.

If you really want to try with this girl, then support her(although, this isn't what I'm thinking you want). 3 months is NOT a long time to wait until a sexual relationship and Peg, your comment above, really? It's a joke right? Cause I laughed.

[anonymity Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close anonymity]

I don't know, I'm kinda with Pegasus on this. If ya'll have been "vibing" for 2 months, your bringing her food, arranging sleepovers, I don't think expecting sex is unfair or unrealistic. If she's leaving in Jan it's sounds like if you wait for that 3 month mark (where did this number come from by the way) you will have spent less time actually having sex and being in a real relationship than you did waiting and grooming her. I'm sorry if I sound brash, but I would hate to see your fear of being single again to be taken advantage of. You sound like a very good guy and your efforts may be more appreciated else where. I mean, your going through a lot for a sexless relationship that "you will be tackling that issue next".

[GTG Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTG]

The 3 month comment comes from when we "broke up", we had a short conversation about sex wherein she mentioned that sort of timeline. I was actually planning to make a move for sex tonight when she sleep over for the first time, but that obviously didn't happen.

I think that my fear of being single again is sort of leading me down a path of maybe taking more negativity than I should from her.

The thing with her leaving, I feel.. odd.. about, for the reasons you mentioned. I don't quite know what we are, and how I should behave when she is gone. I also don't know what she thinks I expect of her, whilst she is gone. It really sucks that I see her more as an antagonist at the moment, than a friend.

And don't worry about being brash, all advice is welcome. This is my first real "relationship" after starting to try to date for the first time this year, and inexperience and fear of single-dom means that some blunt words are probably best.

As it stands I'm still planning to cut some contact until my exams end, next week, and then see what happens.

[anonymity Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close anonymity]

Okay, well then here you go. I would definitely end it. If she's at all into you she'll give her head a shake and come runnin. If she doesn't than good, you've saved yourself. Move on to other prospects. If you stay here, get hurt, you'll just have baggage for the next girl who won't know what the hecks wrong cause she will not have been the one to have done anything to you. Cut the rope. I can foreshadow some big hurt and waste of time coming your way which is a lot worse than being single.

[GTG Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTG]

Good point.

I still want to wait until the end of this rough period (ie exams), so I can see if things have changed/see her in person... But I've decided I will raise my issues, and be willing to end it if need be. I just know that if I do, I will want her back in all likelihood, but that's probably just my inexperience with other girls coming out.

[islander Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close islander]

Hi G
The hot cold is brutal! I've done it and have had no control over it. The nerves of getting in out weighs the benefits at the time when so much is going on. I'm so sorry it happens. I've been on the receiving end as well.

As a woman my only advice is to back away. It hurts but if she feels any pressure any hope will be lost. By giving her space she can respect your genuine care for her.

I understand the investment and want for sex. Yes I understand!!

I'm sorry you are having this happen

[anonymity Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close anonymity]

I'm sorry sweetie, but your right. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I just wanted to give you the same advice I would my own brothers.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, keep us posted.

[DreamOn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close DreamOn]

If you arn't having sex she is not your girlfriend.

Only in America perhaps because believe it or not there are still couples who wait after marriage for sex but that is for a different topic.

[anonymity Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close anonymity]

I see what your saying, but I don't think Pegasus is in America.
What I mean is, it's not just us "corrupted" American's that may hold this opinion.

[DreamOn Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close DreamOn]

I see what your saying, but I don't think Pegasus is in America.
What I mean is, it's not just us "corrupted" American's that may hold this opinion.

I live in America too but I was raised in a different culture than the standard American norm where sex isn't just a casual activity but rather a very special sacred event between two people which means we usually wait after marriage for sex, but I'm not a hypocrite and I'm going to admit that I have been "Americanized" and has become way too liberated for my culture.

Edit: My point to Pegasus is not everyone might follow the casual sex culture so it doesn't necessarily mean not having sex with your significant other right away means they aren't couples.

[sweetie52 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close sweetie52]

Are you missing the "couple" thing more than the reality of the relationship? The "single" life when you want to be in a relationship can sometimes be lonely. Are you substituting companionship for the wrong reasons?

[GTG Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GTG]

Are you missing the "couple" thing more than the reality of the relationship? The "single" life when you want to be in a relationship can sometimes be lonely. Are you substituting companionship for the wrong reasons?

I think it's probably a mixture of both.

I've always been a bit terrible with women, and this is my first success story since I decided to make a conscious effort to change that aspect of my life. After such a struggle, the thought of starting over from scratch is quite intimidating. But on the other hand, we've had some good times, just last week we were skyping until 4 in the morning etc etc.

So I'm not quite sure which is the overriding motivator of my feelings.

All I know is that she doesn't feel like a partner right now, and I'm tired of uncertainty.