Getting over your ex.

[TheSperminator Member of the Month Oct 12 Find all posts View Profile Close TheSperminator]

Sorry for the misconception there about the title..

But if you forget .. Don't you cherish the good memories?

I don't want to be the pain in the ass here by keeping the discussion alive but it helps to see how other people look towards it.

[TheSperminator Member of the Month Oct 12 Find all posts View Profile Close TheSperminator]

+ I get the whole keep yourself busy thing but there will be a moment during day that you are alone and you start to think, for example when you lay in bed planning to sleep .. That's when the whole windmill starts to turn in my head .. How many nights I lied awake until 5am thinking about it ..

[BTBrian Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BTBrian]

Sperminator I have a question for you. When you go out do you just talk with your friends or do you meet new people? Not just at clubs or bars but at work, school, grocery shopping, and everywhere else.

[kirkoloft Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close kirkoloft]

Sorry for the misconception there about the title..

But if you forget .. Don't you cherish the good memories?

I don't want to be the pain in the ass here by keeping the discussion alive but it helps to see how other people look towards it.

Yes and I still love her. I even have this crazy idea that I will never love a girl as much as I love her. She was my first true love, for me at least. Imagine you getting back together. Are you really that stupid to think that it will actually work?! You sound like a smart guy, but that's hands down idiotic. Starting over after a breakup like this? I have a 1 year old mayonnaise bottle in my fridge that's sporting an expiry date further off than such a doomed relationship. Do us and yourself a favor and just accept that you no longer want her back. You love her? yes. You will never meet a girl like her? probably true. But do you want her back?no, no, no. I will teleport my hand through the internet and bitch-slap you if you say yes to the last question.

[BTBrian Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close BTBrian]

But what about when you know you can make her much happier than she is now?

There is no way you can possibly know that.

Do not take this the wrong way, but your view right now is extremely selfish. You wish you had her back because you think YOU would be happier if she was back, not the other way around. Let her go.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

Yes, but isn't it right that for some people succes in work is more important than succes in love?

For me, if I did my best for a promotion but I don't get it. I'll be disappointed but that's it ..

Losing someone who you'd love to share your life with is much bigger than just losing a job opportunity (in my personal opinion/preference)

Success in work or in love doesn't matter - *you* define what success is to you and *you* go after that. It doesn't matter what your priorities are. That's something you decide. Success is success.

I don't know why you're equating losing a job opportunity to the relationship that's now over in your life.
The men I mentioned have relationships, you know. They're married men and they develop all kinds of relationships, from personal, friendship, business relationships and more. They all follow the same mental attitude.

I don't get what your post is about.

[Robberman Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Robberman]

If you ask yourself what is life eventually?

I go to school, learn stuff I don't want to learn but I learn it anyways to get a job. Then I can work my ass of from Monday to Friday to get a bit of money so I can buy me something. Things that don't matter in the end.

Than you get old and you think man if I only did this and that. You start seeing people die around you. And eventually you die.

That's about it. That's life.

You're completely missing the bits in between, you have to do stuff in this day and age to get by that's a given, but it's what you do with your earnings, what you do with other people, what you do is what gives you the memories you'll fondly remember. Actively go and find something for you to be passionate about or do something with your friends that you really want to do.

You then think oh man, she's great, having her by my side makes everything so much better. Knowing you get home and she's waiting for you .. But no, that's also gone now .. So mm, let's go out and find someone new. Let's go to the same venue every week and the hope "we get lucky" ..

I think the problem here is "Let's go to the same venue every week and the hope 'we get lucky'". Firstly, routine is a bugger, tad rich coming from me, but takes one to know one. Why not hunt for things that will give you fun!

Anyways I will leave her alone. There's no doubt in my mind I will text her or contact her again. I tried this countless times and always hit a wall ..

But I'm very sure that after 2-3 months she will eventually try to make contact again by pinching me in the arm or God knows how .. What do I do then? I find it so hard to be gentle at that moment. To truly let her see that I gave up. That I rested my case ..

How would you react? I asked her before to leave me alone. To not make any contact, not even eye contact if she knew I was in the same room she was.. But still she makes some sort of contact. Sometimes it's a little smirk, other times she keeps staring at me until she sees a reaction from me ..

She once stared at me when I was having fun with my friends. I could see on her face she wasn't that happy/in the mood for a party .. I stood with my back towards her, when she left the venue she came from behind my back, she stood 6 feet from me, sighed loudly and walked away in an unhappy manner .. I then asked her if everything was allright .. She appreciated it. It looked as if she wanted me to see that she wasn't happy.

You've said throughout that when you try to do something you muck up, I can sympathise, I did the exact same thing. I thought maybe it would be best if me and an ex tried again, but the texting ended up with me acting exactly like I was when we broke up, even after I asked for advice on this forum. So might I suggest writing a letter to her, that way you can write down all your thoughts and that you're trying to move on, but finding it difficult because of her behaviour. You could even go as far as saying that you'd like to limit any contact between the two of you to letter only. I'm not talking word processed letters either, a PEN and PAPER, texting removes personality from communication because of the standard fonts on devices. By purely writing the letter by hand shows you mean it because of the effort you have put in.

It's like she moved on, but she can't let me go .. Perhaps she wants friendship .. But I don't think I can give her that. I would torture myself. She knows this.

If I were you I'd just ask what she wants from you.

[TheSperminator Member of the Month Oct 12 Find all posts View Profile Close TheSperminator]

Yes and I still love her. I even have this crazy idea that I will never love a girl as much as I love her. She was my first true love, for me at least. Imagine you getting back together. Are you really that stupid to think that it will actually work?! You sound like a smart guy, but that's hands down idiotic. Starting over after a breakup like this? I have a 1 year old mayonnaise bottle in my fridge that's sporting an expiry date further off than such a doomed relationship. Do us and yourself a favor and just accept that you no longer want her back. You love her? yes. You will never meet a girl like her? probably true. But do you want her back?no, no, no. I will teleport my hand through the internet and bitch-slap you if you say yes to the last question.

Well, slap me .. Do I want her back?

YES YES YES ... It's my own fault she left me ... She stayed with me for 2 years even when I cheated on her (by kissing another girl) ... Yes I want her back. Just because of the fact that I KNOW I won't cheat on her again because she's that special to me now ..

I want her back. And it will be hard at first. But eventually ...

I don't know. I think too much has happened now for us to get back together .. But if I had the choice now, Sorry, but I'd say YES PLZ!

[TheSperminator Member of the Month Oct 12 Find all posts View Profile Close TheSperminator]

There is no way you can possibly know that.

Do not take this the wrong way, but your view right now is extremely selfish. You wish you had her back because you think YOU would be happier if she was back, not the other way around. Let her go.

No, I don't think -I- would make her happier .. How can I put this .. I'm not perfect. She's not perfect. But together I believe we are perfect .. So no, I don't make her happy, but if she opens herself up to me .. I'm sure we are still laughing and talking with each other as in the old days ..

She had a crush on me for years .. And I still believe she just put a wall around her to protect me from her .. When she was sick and tired of me .. She even put a song about heartbreak in her diary .. She truly liked me for who I am .. Ofcourse, how else could she stay with me for 2 years? It's just because of MY fault, that she left me. Without those faults, yes, I could make her the happiest person alive. That could be selfish. But that's what I believe in and I'm sure she knows that but, like she said before, she can't get over the fact that I kissed other girls and she's too scared that I will do it again if we would be back together ...

[camaro Senior Member Member of the month June 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close camaro]

The more you chase, the more she will run.

[akaTrex Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close akaTrex]

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours.
If they don't, they never were.

And if you continue .........expect a Restraining Order. If you continue even more expect a visit from Mr. Police man, a ride to jail and a New Boyfriend named BUBBA!

[TheSperminator Member of the Month Oct 12 Find all posts View Profile Close TheSperminator]

I realize now that I only pushed her further away by keep on texting her and trying to convince her of -my awesomeness, cough cough- ...

That's why I plan to not contact her for 100 days. Just to see how she reacts to that .. 100 days is more than 3 months of no contact .. It's wrong, but I still have some faith in it that she will return to my arms ..

If it was meant to be, she will return. But when she does, I'll have another problem .. How to deal with the fact that she's been intimate with someone else.

[Skinny_Rattler Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Skinny_Rattler]

I realize now that I only pushed her further away by keep on texting her and trying to convince her of -my awesomeness, cough cough- ...

That's why I plan to not contact her for 100 days. Just to see how she reacts to that .. 100 days is more than 3 months of no contact .. It's wrong, but I still have some faith in it that she will return to my arms ..

If it was meant to be, she will return. But when she does, I'll have another problem .. How to deal with the fact that she's been intimate with someone else.

Hang in there my dude your better than this. There are plenty of women out there and yes you made a mistake that's what life is all about. Someone's end is another persons beginning . Good luck Bro

[CaptainJohnson Retired ModeratorSenior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CaptainJohnson]

If it was meant to be, she will return. But when she does, I'll have another problem .. How to deal with the fact that she's been intimate with someone else.

Most women have. Been with someone else, I mean. This is a reality you have to accept. You will meet women, and they will have a history. With that history, can come benefits too: experience and knowledge, even a sense of maturity, brought to the table by previous love life ups and downs. Remember that you gave her this history by pushing her away. What really worries you about her losing her v-card to another guy? Is it how this somehow makes her "not pure" for you, or is it more about the guy? Do you worry he might end up being better than you, or that if you get back with her, she will still think about him? These thoughts are counter-productive, and incongruent with reality. They are your way of expressing your own low self-esteem, by focusing on non-existent problems.

Firstly, most relationships end. What you had is probably gone. You'll find the next best thing, which will probably turn out to be the better thing too. As you put it, go out and get lucky, you never know what surprises you'll find.

Second, if she does come back, what then? Do you even want her back? You discuss the idea of her being intimate with another guy disturbing you. As I mentioned, most people have a sexual history, and now she will just be no different. If you want a virgin, go join a catholic church group. If you want her, then accept her as she is. Also, reread what I said about upward social comparisons. It is one of the biggest issues on this site, especially where penis size is concerned.

Hope that helps Spermy,

- CJ

[Qarzan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qarzan]

Sperminator,

I know how you feel, dude. You know you messed up, you didn't treat her well. Then you messed up again. There's a hole in your heart, and let me tell you it's going to stay there unless you take actions to mend it.

And then there are those that say, "Just get over it." "Just move on." Yes, you can move on and not acknowledge what you did or how it affected her. That's not mending that hole in your heart, that's ignoring it; sweeping it under the rug and pretending it's not there. If that's how you want to do it, go ahead. But know that it will slowly make a knot in your soul that you will carry until you die, unless you take action to mend it.

How do you mend it?
1) Acknowledge what you did that was not what you wanted.
2) Acknowledge the effect it had on your relationship with her.
(by "relationship", I mean this the general way, as in, one person's relationship with another; not necessarily boyfriend and girlfriend)
3) Apologize for that effect.
4) State a new possible future such that she is touched, moved, and inspired by that possibility.
5) Invite her to join you in that possibility. (Be prepared that she may say "no")

This must be done directly to the person whose relationship you wish to repair.

Forgiving yourself is a good start, but it really doesn't mend the relationship. It only mends your relationship with yourself. As there are two people involved here, it must be done from you to her. Any action not involving her is ineffective at mending your relationship with her. (Again, I want to emphasize I'm using "relationship" in the general sense).