Did she cheat? Is she lying? Or am I just bonkers!

[treybarns78 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close treybarns78]

Hi all, I'm a long time lurker of the forum and an active PE enthusiast.

However the reason why I joined today was to gain your perspective on my current mindset and trust issues with my wife.

This is long winded story (but probably a good read) so for anyone who takes the time to read it and reply, I thank you greatly!

8 weeks ago my wife went out with her friends, towards the end of the night she went to the toilet and when she came out her friends had gone and left her. There was my wife a female friend (more a friend of a friend not very close) and a man she had met that night (a friend of friends)

She chose to stay there drinking with them. I returned home from work and relived the babysitter of her duty and she walked home.

While the baby sitter was walking home she bumped into my wife and the man and told her that her husband was home. The man turned and walked away, my wife said she asked him where he was going, he was supposed to be walking her home. He said I'm going this way and they parted.

She came home and talked fondly about this man (we know his ex who he has children to)she said he seemed really nice to get on with.

I said he must have thought he'd hit the jackpot, meaning he thought he was getting something, a drunk man does not walk a drunk woman home for nothing!

She said I was being silly, he was just walking her home and they talked about me and how she would never cheat on me (Where have I heard that before!)

I said if it was all innocent in his eyes why did he walk away when he found out I was home, she had no reply.

I moved on from that and all was well until 4 weeks later, she went out with friends again.

When she returned I made a joke about walking home with strangers, she laughed and said she walked home alone.

She then told me that on the night he walked her home, he had tried to kiss her several times in the pub.

She told me she said she was married but he kept trying.

I got mad when I heard this.

Why would you stay there when this was happening? Why would you walk home with a man you had just met, who was making sexual advances towards you and wouldn't take no for an answer. And why was she just telling me this now!

It turns out the female friend of a friend who was there that night had told my wife's best friend that my wife and the man were kissing in the pub, and my wife's best friend had just asked her about it!

She denied it happened and said he came nowhere close to kissing her. How does someone mistake seeing someone kissing?

We argued a little and she kept reassuring me, it didn't happen! She also told me that she wouldn't know what he looked like if she saw him again and changed her story to say that he didn't walk her home they were just walking the same way.

I left it at that, she knew I wasn't happy about the whole thing.

2 weeks ago I woke up really pissed off, I'd been dreaming about them. My wife could tell something was bothering me and asked what was wrong, so I told her.

I said it must be bothering me because I'm dreaming about it and that numerous times during our relationship you've put me in a position where I've had to ask myself if I trust you, and that it slowly eats away at you. She flew off the handle, stormed off and started doing the dishes, she said I'd gone too far and didn't want to look or speak to me.

At this I thought it's all in my head, I'm the idiot with the issues, I'm the one who's obsessing over it etc etc really punishing myself.

I've tried to move past the obsessive thinking but it wont go away. Yesterday I checked her facebook and the day after the man tried to kiss her and walked her home he sent her a freind request, which she deleted.

More worryingly from that day over a period of 13 days she has searched for his profile on facebook 14 times, a couple of times it was 2 and 3 times a day. This is after she told me she wouldn't even know what he looked like if she saw him again.

So now I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

I know where the man lives and I am contemplating paying him a (non violent) visit and bluffing about knowing what happened to see what he says.

However that might just cause more issues so I really don't know what to do.

Are my concerns warranted? Or am I being a little too paranoid about the whole thing?
What would you do?

Thanks for listening.
Trey

[SuperDD Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SuperDD]

Where there is smoke, there is fire.

Something went on....

Telling a little bit of truth (he came on to me) to cover a lie is common...

[treybarns78 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close treybarns78]

Thanks for you reply SuperDD.

It's a line I've heard previously too under similar situations in the past, the one "All I talked about was you and how I'd never cheat on you" was also used.

In my gut I just know I've not heard the full truth.

The fact that she isn't even pissed for someone accusing her of cheating on her husband is a red flag for me.

I just don't know what my course of action needs to be.

I want the truth, I just don't know how to get it

[someone_like_u Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close someone_like_u]

I think you both need to sit down and have a long talk about your relationship. I don't know if she is lying or not, but you checking up on her Facebook behind her back isn't cool. Although, she shouldn't have anything to hide from you, you should have gotten her permission first.

Only the two of you know the history of your relationship and you two should talk about your boundaries. Speculation on what you think she's done, doesn't get you anywhere closer to your wife. Good luck to ya.

[GrowStrong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GrowStrong]

how do you know she searched fo his facebook profile?

[camaro Senior Member Member of the month June 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close camaro]

Same question.

[treybarns78 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close treybarns78]

Thanks for your input, I did have permission to check my wifes facebook, she told me that she told her friend by msg when he tried to kiss her and to look at the message.

There was no message so I thought I wonder if her and him are freinds on facebook I put the first letter of his name into the facebook search and his name came straight up, that was the reason for looking deeper into the facebook thing.

We've had the sit downs and the talks and her story never alters about the past, nothing happened it's all in my head and I'm being paranoid!

The incidents were when we were 19/20, she told me that she wanted to not 'be together' but that she was still 'shagging me'

During this period she deceitfully spent the night at a mans house from work who she had been telling me had been making sexual advances towards her since she started there, she also talked about him alot!

When she returned at 9:30am I went to her house and confronted her and she said nothing happened she slept on the sofa.

A few weeks later after a few drinks she spent the night in bed with a mutal (single) male friend, the day after I was approached and told that they had sex. She said he tried it on with her but nothing happened.

I find the above hard to swallow, considering that the only rational explanation for my now wifes reasoning behind not wanting to 'be together' was that she didn't want to cheat on me but was curious about this guy from work.

[treybarns78 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close treybarns78]

To check the search history of a facebook profile, go to activity log and on the left side menu click more and search :-)

[NeverEnough9 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close NeverEnough9]

Obviously its hard to tell over the internet but ill tell you this....listen to your gut instincts. I had a gf that was acting suspicious and my gut told me something was up......and I was right.

[time2grow Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close time2grow]

If you're the psycho type get a keylogger for computer and her phone also start looking at your bill to see what new numbers are called.

If you trust her you have nothing to worry about and you should drop it.

If shes done this before or you trust the babysitter and her friends more then her you should get to the bottom of it before it eats you alive. I'm sure its consuming your thoughts already and thats not healthy. Dont think about divorce. Divorce is a stupid way out. If you know where the guy lives go talk to him man to man without your wifes knowledge. (Non violent! or Threathening) You would definitely get more of the truth from him from what it seems your wife is willing to divulge. Too many inconsistencies in the story. She tells you about him and how cool he was to she wouldnt remember his face if she saw him again yet he facebooked her and she searched for him....

Honestly to me it sounds like nothing really happened yet. He may have kissed her at the bar and she may have been surprised by it and kind of liked it which sparked an interest in her. She told him she was taken and had a husband and he continued to pursue. She was under the influence and liked the attention so she was fine with him walking her home. Dude did the right thing at the moment and left her when he did because his intention was to take it further with her. Super DD is right, there is a spark and its starting to smoke. If this continues there will be fire. Smother it before it grows man. If she really likes the guy go out with him and her together. (Dont invite him to dinner because thats just a dumb way for him to start coming over). Whatever you decide to do - do it in a non hostile manner. Even if they get all pissy and upset, keep your cool. The truth will come out.

Ps..is the babysitter of age and cute? haha..jk. good luck man

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

You're bringing up stuff from when she was 19? Are you kidding? How old are you now? If you're over 30 and you're bringing up stuff from that long ago you want to ruin your marriage! Grow up!

[GrowStrong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GrowStrong]

To check the search history of a facebook profile, go to activity log and on the left side menu click more and search :-)

oh thats pretty cool haha, looks like i stalk the girl im seeing haha

[treybarns78 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close treybarns78]

Cheers for that time2grow ;-)

There really is no chance of my wife developing a full blown affair, I trust her completely not to do that, and all things aside we are a very happy couple and lead a very happy life. The only issue which has ever caused conflict has been my issue with trust, which results from when we were 19/20 (see above)

However I believe that if she did have a drunken kiss with a guy she would rather hide it than reveal it and risk causing damage to our relationship.

I'm on the fence about going to see the guy, but it's probably the only thing that will set my mind straight.

[GrowStrong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GrowStrong]

it sounds like something very easily could have happened, but didnt. as for her searching for his facebook, shows she is curious. which is a very big red flag if you ask me. i would be on my toes if i was you.

[time2grow Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close time2grow]

it sounds like something very easily could have happened, but didnt. as for her searching for his facebook, shows she is curious. which is a very big red flag if you ask me. i would be on my toes if i was you.

I concur. Many things could have happen but didnt yet. Thats great that you dont think it could be a full blown affair but are you cool with a one night stand or maybe two? I didn't read the other trust issue post until now. She has an MO man. Talks about a guy and then denies liking him even though shes into him. Just go talk to him and get truth.