I don't get exes, I'm so confused :(

[Dante311 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dante311]

Thanks for reading this. Please give me insight, I'm confused. I KNOW I'm wrong that I should NOT be dating this girl... but I'm actually happy again. Forgive the stream of conscience.. I hope it flows. Thank you thank you thank you.

About 4 weeks ago I got out of a really toxic relationship. The ex was abusive. I know and understand that there is always two sides to every story, but good lord. She would hit me (not hard)... tell me "I hate you".. or "**** you".. "or you're ****ing weird, and I don't want to be seen with you..." and ALWAYS got jealous of my female friends, or when I spoke to her female roommates platonically. Fine. Relationship over. It's for the best. Do I miss her? Of course I do.. and most of all, the COMFORT level I had with her. Peeing with the door open. Farting. Staying in and being pigs while watching movies. That was perfect. Working out together.

Fine. That's over. I've done some dating.. working out. Doing my work (I'm in healthcare/science/research/medicine) which is a life of its own..

Rewind for a moment... 8-9 years ago, I dated a girl (who was more of a party, fun - but bright/intelligent/smart/sassy - and VERY VERY attractive girl for about 2 years or so. Oh college.

We were friends, we fooled around - (recently discussed how much fun we had together and how we didn't end poorly). Fine. That's great.

We've been on and off friends for about the last 6 years or so... reconnecting... she knows I've always cared about her. Her friends think I'm the best guy she ever dated.

We suddenly reconnected (4 weeks after my breakup - and my confidence is starting to come back - I don't miss the recent ex, I miss what I had with her. SO many reasons I don't miss her. Besides being mean, crazy, selfish, a liar, and probably cheated on me but won't admit it)... We grab dinner and drinks. My treat. We had SO MUCH FUN. SO MUCH FUN. We ended up sleeping together (we had a few too many drinks).

At first she was upset, but she loved it. And wanted to see me again, but go slowly. So we did. Hung out... sleep over. No sex. PERFECT.

And then again. Except we slept together again. She told me she felt amazing... the best she's ever had. The most perfect evening of evenings with me. Dinner... massage... cuddling... sex.. it was all the best she's ever experienced. But she wants to get the new me.. we haven't been this intimate on so many levels in so many ways. She confided in me that since me.. there have been so many guys interested in her (and trust me, she is THAT girl who can have any guy)... I mean a year ago, before this all happened we met up (she texted me when I was still with my now ex girlfriend - and when that girl dumped me for the 9th or 10th time.. I met up with the old ex from 8 years ago and the first words out of her mouth were, "I just turned >26... my biological clock is ticking"...) - I kind of got weirded out by that.

Back to present day she confided the following;
-That after me 8-9 years ago... the guys have been good, but have gone down from the bar I set with her.
-No one is as respectful of her, and caring, and loving, and has as much potential as me.
-All her friends are so happy her and I finally reconnected and told her, "Took her long enough to realize that"

And to be honest... I've always cared a lot for this girl... I really have. I just know a) BAD timing since my recent ex just left me for the 11th or 12th time 4 weeks ago, and b) to me, an ex is an ex... right??? I've cut out all my exes from the past... except this one. :/

Right now, we're seeing eachother exclusively... we're dating, I guess you could say.

And all I can think is how can this girl from 8 years ago who has more dating experience... more potential (I don't even know what this means)

And now I wonder how can this girl from 8 years ago tell me I'm the one who got away and then a girl I was with for twice as long, who I was in love with, who loved me (the ex from 8 years and I never were in love)... and the recent ex can walk away like I was nothing... and this ex from 8 years ago thinks I'm the best guy ever... :/

I'm confused.


I hate relationships.

[Xerus Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Xerus]

Alright so first I'm going to sum up what you said for verification.

You dated a girl 8/9 years ago. That ended and fast forward you started dating the most recent ex two years ago. It's been off and on with the most current ex and she was verbally abusive (with signs of possibly physical). She ended it with you four weeks ago, and you reconnected with your ex of 8/9 years ago. Now you're confused.

Well that makes sense. You had an emotional connection with someone with zero, or very few, bad memories. The most recent connection that just ended was abusive and filled with terrible memories. Because you dated the most recent ex in the first place, you must have felt some sort of emotional connection. Being hurt, and then being brought up with the ex of 8/9 years ago is an absolute cluster**** of a situation for you emotionally.

Slow down man, I know you're emotionally hurt but you can't let that guide you into jumping into another. An ex doesn't have to stay an ex depending on how it ended. If nothing bad happened between you and the ex of 8/9 years ago, then it's fine to talk and eventually see each other, but not this soon after such a difficult relationship just ended. Your emotions will be erratic, even if you don't notice it. You may even be using the ex of 8/9 years ago to mask your emotions without realizing it. I've done it and have seen it happen to many of my friends over the years. It usually doesn't end well, and if this is someone you care about (the ex of 8/9 years ago that you're reconnecting with) then you'll want to slow way down and give your mind some time to defragment itself.

I think what you need is a break from relationships (the lovey dovey kind, not family or friends). You need to give your mind and yourself a break. What you're doing can be extremely taxing on your mind and body, which can lead to more problems in the future mentally, especially after just leaving an abusive relationship.

Sorry for saying the same thing multiple times. I've been in your shoes and have made the mistake to jump into the relationship with my other ex because I was alone and depressed at the time. Things ended terribly with both ex's and I lost the "good" ex because of issues I had not dealt with. Don't let that happen to you brother, good luck.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Oh dear you are not the "nice guy" I hope ?

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey Dante,

Each relationship we have with another - whether romantic or otherwise - will be different because those individuals are different. Assuming that each will have the exact same preferences or annoyances about you is an exercise in futility and the likely cause of your confusion.

In other words, stop comparing, stop making assumptions and simply accept what is - that one girl appreciates and respects you for who you are while another no longer does.

Guess which one you should be spending time with?

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

That TPW is exactly what I was thinking. Dont judge these women based on the other one. Deal with another person as they are. Deal with yourself the same way, as you are. If you want to change yourself do so, but Dont live in the past. Good luck, enjoy your journey.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

You're moving too fast. You haven't even spent enough time being single to discover what it was that drew you to your crazy abusive ex and what kept you staying with her. Now this new girl is telling you all the things you want to hear.... how you're the one that got away, you're so nice and so special (not like her exes), and how no one treats her as kindly as you do. That's what they call "date-bait".

I hate to say it, but RED FLAG! You're overlooking a lot of red flags for a "damsel in distress" and putting yourself into a position where your happiness depends on her loving you, or more or less having someone you can take care of that will reward you with intimacy. You probably don't want to believe me but this relationship is overstepping some serious boundaries and moving too fast to be anything long term. Don't you think it's a little weird she couldn't wait for you to get over your ex before jumping into a relationship with you? Most people are a little more hesitant to enter a relationship or even say "I love you" before they even know the person well enough.

If you're not sure about this girl go with your first intuition. If you don't feel right about her and you don't feel like you should be with her there is probably something to it. Start journaling as much as you can and write down everything that you feel about her daily. Try to write down what you say and do together as well as alone. See if everything sounds so perfect a few weeks from now when the infatuation is disappearing and you get to know the real her. If she does anything abusive don't overlook it or excuse it away, write that down too. You basically want to keep a record for yourself so you can decide if you really want to be with her later on. This is going to help you out of the fog later on.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

You're moving too fast. You haven't even spent enough time being single to discover what it was that drew you to your crazy abusive ex and what kept you staying with her.

OP: This is the best advice you can possibly internalize. Follow it and save your own life. Ignore it at your own peril.

[Bigdaddy55 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bigdaddy55]

How long have you been with the ex you broke up with 4 weeks ago? I think it might be too quick to dive into a new relationship regardless of what's going on. What you're doing is typically called a rebound and it won't end well. You also said that your ex from 8 years ago said "her biological clock is ticking." I don't like the sound of that. Do you want to be the guy she is with because she wants to be with you or the one she's hurrying up with because she wants to push out a few kids. Personally, I would be by myself after a break up focus on my personal stuff and play the field for a little while, not rush back into another relationship.

[aplay69 Senior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close aplay69]

It took me a minute to formulate a response to your post. It was a bit confusing. But, one thing that is clear is that you still have strong feeling for your abusive Ex. So much so that it is causing you to question this new relationship. Weeks later.

Clearly you weren't ready for a new relationship. You still have unresolved issues with your abusive Ex. On the one hand, you're railing about how abusive she was and on the other you're reminiscing about all the good times you had with her and how comfortable you were with her. It's as if you're trying to rationalize the abuse. You speak as though the abusive relationship just ended a few days ago as opposed to over a month ago. How did the relationship end? Did she end the relationship or did you?

I'm in agreement with TheGreatDivider, you rushed into this new relationship too soon. The abusive relationship has left you confused. Doubting yourself and your ability to find happiness elsewhere. This may explain the internal struggle you're having.

I also agree with TPW, stop comparing your new girl with your abusive Ex. Otherwise, this new relationship doesn't stand a chance.

[gerg Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close gerg]

Maybe she's a gold digger? They are pretty crafty.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

You know what they say. A damsel in distress is just a gold digger in disguise.

[Qarzan Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Qarzan]

You're moving too fast. You haven't even spent enough time being single to discover what it was that drew you to your crazy abusive ex and what kept you staying with her. Now this new girl is telling you all the things you want to hear.... how you're the one that got away, you're so nice and so special (not like her exes), and how no one treats her as kindly as you do. That's what they call "date-bait".

I hate to say it, but RED FLAG! You're overlooking a lot of red flags for a "damsel in distress" and putting yourself into a position where your happiness depends on her loving you, or more or less having someone you can take care of that will reward you with intimacy. You probably don't want to believe me but this relationship is overstepping some serious boundaries and moving too fast to be anything long term. Don't you think it's a little weird she couldn't wait for you to get over your ex before jumping into a relationship with you? Most people are a little more hesitant to enter a relationship or even say "I love you" before they even know the person well enough.

If you're not sure about this girl go with your first intuition. If you don't feel right about her and you don't feel like you should be with her there is probably something to it. Start journaling as much as you can and write down everything that you feel about her daily. Try to write down what you say and do together as well as alone. See if everything sounds so perfect a few weeks from now when the infatuation is disappearing and you get to know the real her. If she does anything abusive don't overlook it or excuse it away, write that down too. You basically want to keep a record for yourself so you can decide if you really want to be with her later on. This is going to help you out of the fog later on.

TGD, I can tell we have really polar opposite philosophies on how to live life. It seems you're really about being careful, defensive, making sure not to be hurt. I'm all about just going for it, taking the risk, falling down and getting beat up, and then doing it again.

I can see your point, TGD, about being in a haze of hormones. It happens to me. I also GTFO when I see red flags that the hormones otherwise mask.

Red flags for me are things like your most recent ex were doing (putting you down; mild verbal abuse). And you broke up and got together 12 times? Wow. I also want to say, I know exactly how those relationships go. My ex-ex-ex girlfriend was like that. It's like being stuck in a web, or in a fog.

Please, please don't take what happened with your ex, and punish this current woman with it. That's not fair to her, or to you. Take what she says as it is.

When I broke up with my ex-ex-ex (wow, I've had quite a few relationships between), I met [MR], about one week after the breakup was official. I dove right in with her. It ended up not working out, but we still had fun, and I was in it 100%.

I was also flirting/chatting with another woman just recently. Hormones raging, and then she displayed the kind of mild verbal abuse your ex was doing to you. I ran the f*ck away, hormones still raging.

What I'm saying is, if you want to go for it, go in 100%. Anything else is you not showing up in life as yourself.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

TGD, I can tell we have really polar opposite philosophies on how to live life. It seems you're really about being careful, defensive, making sure not to be hurt. I'm all about just going for it, taking the risk, falling down and getting beat up, and then doing it again.

I can see your point, TGD, about being in a haze of hormones. It happens to me. I also GTFO when I see red flags that the hormones otherwise mask

That is NOT my philosophy on ALL relationships. I don't know where you got that from......

Being careful of who you chose after you've been in an abusive relationship is a good idea. Why? Because those who don't learn from their mistakes are likely to repeat them. And those who don't learn from bad relationships are likely to repeat them. That is until they figure out what it is that draws them into abusive relationships and why they stay with them.

Next time, please ask me for clarification about my posts instead of making assumptions. I would be more than happy to explain in a PM, instead of derailing a thread.