can be even more damaging than what IS said. Going to be hitting the gym In about 40 minutes (waiting for my clothes to dry) and I'll be back to elaborate further. and wax idiotic about my day (night) at the gym LOL!

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Okay, I'm back! Woohoooooooo I am not going to base my best performances as "standard" i did 7.05miles by the end of 30 minutes today, but I was also noticeably dragging. I actually caught myself dazing out and almost creepy crawling. not smooth! Anyway, I think that's a pretty good distance for me dogging it. that would have been a dream 3 weeks ago! Make it happen! Bicep curls definitely hitting on the good stuff. Got the 10-8 set done. Ran out of juice by the time I hit the 6 rep.I think I only did 3 LOL!my vein in my elbow crease was HUGE and blue. never seen it that big before... curious observation is all.

I'm Feeling good feeling great... Feeling great feeling good, how are you... OutKast songs tend to come to my mind everytime i'm feeling great after the gym LMAO!


I did some cross whatever thingies for my pecs. I really want a nice chest and nice arms. if i can have a nice chest and nice arms, I'll be happy There was this little muscular guy going like the energizer bunny there... he was just showing off it looked like. Bouncing from Equipment to equipment Weighted Mason twists... WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?!
Showing off... get outta here, li'l dude.


Well speaking of feeling good and feeling great. I also found out some deep personal things about myself. For whatever reason, I had been blocking myself from feeling loved. well not "For whatever reason" i know what it was. I was/am damaged goods to an extent. My previous partner... She shares a special bond with me. She's a special one herself... Maybe she's a little crazy. She's standing by me no matter what as I figure myself out. This unofficial whatever we had, really tore me a new asshole. I felt deeply for her, and she says she feels deeply for me. "love" was tossed around a few times, as I mentioned in a thread somewhere around here.

Well, thing is, I'm deeply skeptical of all things. Especially people. They're the most finicky, unpredictable, self-serving things on the planet. I knew what love felt like when I sent it out because that's what it is... But I apparently don't know what love is, coming in. Well I know what it is, I can recognize it, but I can't let it touch me. I have a hard time letting it get through my shell, my walls, my defenses. I heard "i love you" from her and from many other people, but I just don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what love is... It's like that Movie "TINKERBELL" put me up on, Shortbus. There's a scene where a guy says something along the lines of "Love is all around me, I know people love me, I can see it... I just can't feel it"

The sad part is with her apprehension to say it when I needed it said, My mind automatically started kicking in "She didn't really mean it, she's just trying to make you feel better, she doesn't love you." yadda yadda I think she's still trying to come to grips with it herself and I can't push her to do anything more than she's comfortable with. If she's not really "coming to grips with it" then she just felt guilty telling me she loved me when she really didn'.... You See that sh*t... that shit right there, My brain automatically defaults back to someone just being nice or placating and patronizing me.

Wow, I try to feel her love, I know she loved me, I saw that she loved me (nobody does the things she did if they didn't care) but "feeling" that she loved me is just not sticking with me. I default back to finding what she may get out of telling me something... What does she benefit. There's nothing she benefits from telling me that hoobly-boobly so why can't I feel it. She is standing by me no matter what trying to help me break down this wall i have up around my heart. I love her so much, why can't I feel like she loves me?

Told her, "in a year or so I'll be able to recognize you love me, but right now, I can't".... That's when she told me "you know it already, you're just mad lol" I told her my first gut reaction response, "I don't want to not be mad. If I'm not mad I'll shatter." and when I said it, I realized it. I was holding myself together with the anger/sadness/hate of my past....... Ever been driving on slippery roads and that instant when you know your tires have lost grip and everything gets real quiet and the steering wheel goes numb... That's what it felt like. I lost control for a minute. I countersteered and Pulled it out of that fishtail really fast before I got too slobbery. She did manage to break that wall down though. I shored it back up temporarily until I'm ready to tackle it. I made sure it's not a permanent fix, and I'll continue taking parts of it away as time goes on. but that was definitely a nice moment... I had no clue I didn't know how to be loved. Love wouldn't do the things that have been done to me, so i built myself up a nice wall around myself. Very insightful.

Kind of a break through moment for me.

So as I sit here reading this over, and making sure it makes sense, I chew on this epiphany and rethink it. It's a great thing. Such a great thing. going to make this an entry into my profound life lessons/short Story book i write.