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Either way, I can't say I'm a better man for it, but she did change me for the better. Well, she tried her damnedest, at least.
Trust issues, that I warned her about, kept popping up. Insecurities of my own, kept popping up. Can't believe she lasted this long. She's a soldier.
We had a big "fight" Friday morning (I don't "fight fight" so for us, just this level of discourse where both of us got emotional from hurt, for us, it was a "fight")
We got it squared away, but not hearing from her for a few days (or what seemed like a few days) felt like I'd hurt her one too many times and she was done with me...
I was practicing what I preach, about typing out something and not sending it... I tippy typed tippy typed on my new iPhone... unlike droid, you can't move the cursor over with buttons... I was trying to make a correction when I hit send by accident!! *facepalm* I sent a message saying something like I feel like I hurt her beyond her threshold and that, even though I can't fix it now, I hope she has a great life.
I explained in a message directly after that and took responsibility for it. said it was an accidental send and I wasn't ready to send that. but since it's out there now, that it was just my thoughts and that I hope she's doing okay...
After about 10 minutes of no response (she's usually right on top of her texts) I knew it was over. Like a goon, not following any of my advice, I tried my best not to call her but I called her and she ignored my phone call, so I left a message... completely incoherent, I'm sure, as I couldn't figure out what to do. When I hung up I cried like a baby, LOL! a big ol' wuss, if you ever seen one.
About an hour later she texts me "Thank you for the well wishes, and I wish you the same." Legit broken hearted, I replied to her sorry for all the hurt I've given her through the duration our relationship. I never meant to hurt her. She told me that she wasn't hurt and that I did nothing wrong to her and to please take care of myself.
Only song that came to mind wasR. Kelly - When a Woman's Fed Up - YouTube
"It's like runnin out of love"... I'm still crying LMAO!
That little pocket of love she told me I should always carry with me in my heart, I created it for her... The love that's not given... The kind of love that you know someone doesn't have to feel for you... I feel like she's taken it back... I'm so hurt I can't think right now, LOL! Missing a piece of my heart right now.
damn... that ugly crying LOL!
...Okay, getting myself together. Nope... Bawled crying again, LOL!
okay, let's try this again...
So after she said "take care of yourself." I lost it again, didn't control myself. I said bunch of stuff, and I can't remember all of it. I deleted the texts because I kept feeling my heart break everytime I read it. I made sure that she knew that I know I screwed up, and that I know it means nothing now, but I'm sorry.
Either way, She's done with me... It was going to take her to be done with me before we could actually separate. I loved her too much to keep my distance. I guess, at some level, I sabotaged it? I dunno.
Either way, I'm trying my best to come to terms with it.
Believe me guys, face your insecurities and don't let them ruin your relationship...
After getting all this out, I feel a lot better
When we broke up, I blocked her main page on my facebook, then she blocked her second page from my main and secondary page on facebook, she unliked my business page, and has decided to go underground... I'm sure she can still see my business page, so She still access to me, But I have no access to her. I blocked her page because every time i looked at it I felt a, legit, sharp pain shoot through my body. from the center of my chest down through to my abdomen. I went through my old phone and saw some of the photos from her last stay with me, and they made me smile so big I think I broke my face. I wonder if I can handle seeing just her now. Not attached to me, but in her own life.
If she wanted to look to make sure I'm okay she can... Even people who I don't particularly care for, I make sure they're still alive... I don't know if something happened to her or not...
I'm kinda freaked out by a dream I had a few nights ago, now I need to know if she's alright. She visited me, no ill-will, post this whole thing. Unfamiliar place and unfamiliar time. Gonna break the Cold War Silence. Even if I only get a "yep" or a "thanks for asking" or even a "ahh go and shite" (as the Irish say) I'd feel better, lol
EDIT:
I had to go through a few extra steps because she's gone through a thorough process of blocking all contact from me, but I know for a fact I can make this message land, but I have to think "what is the objective"
It landed (booyow?), she responded that she's okay. I'm better. She definitely doesn't want anything else to do with me, so I guess I can use that as my closure on this situation. That's the way it's supposed to happen.
I'd prepared myself for that answer, and I'm cool with it
"It's my place, to impart. One day some girl is gonna break your heart. And, ooooh, ain't no pain like from the opposite sex. Gonna hurt bad, but don't take it out on the next, son."
"Feel the strife, but trust life does go on."
-Will Smith
Some quotes that should get me moving again LMAO!
That's possibly the biggest "Fuck You" i've ever received in my life.
Duly noted!!