over the course of these last few weeks, I went through an increasingly ugly and bitter relationship break.

It started out with love, and care, then it turned spiteful, and then just damn mean. When she told our mutual "friends" a message for me instead of telling me directly it ignited my rage... Not only was the message Spiteful, it was a misrepresentation of the TRUTH! Then, she began to belittle me to our mutual friends mentioning that I was a mistake in her life and that she should not have wasted her time on someone younger (less accomplished and/or secure in themselves). her relationships that were meaningful were only with men who were older than her. Just some really spiteful stuff taking back everything she said about me to my face, to everyone behind my back. A real classy woman, you know?

Now this "rage" i'd never felt before. It was a rage that I was terrified by. I was shaking, I literally was fearful of being around people because I was likely to snap and either be killed, or kill someone.

now lets go back a couple years ago. I was into spirituality (still am) I was praying and meditating, and I was led by my "deity" through my mind and my heart. I was shown all my "Sins" and what they looked like. In a way, I was shown the faces of the "demons" that make me do some of the things I do.

Not gonna lie, seeing some of the faces really turned me off to their wiles on me. Knowing the enemy, type of deal. Every time I felt a certain way, I'd see their faces and realize that was not the way i wanted to be...

We went from Greed, to Laziness, to hatred, to Lust, and a bunch of others I'm not comfortable speaking about because I still see their faces. But then we get to Rage/Anger... It was a cloud... a mist.

I asked "why can't I see that." I was told "You will find out soon enough" It was a ghostly face/figure in the cloud... it wasn't a smoke, but a literal cloud, like a liquid mist... What was that, I asked "you will find out" I was told again. It always stuck with me. how could a mist be representative of my rage and anger. I've been angry before but I always took it out via other means. I never really experienced a true to life blind rage.

Well just this little bit of stuff she did ignited 20+ years of rage that had never been ignited by such a deep love.

When it ignited it was like an explosion, it took me by surprise. It was like trying to start a propane grill with the lid closed too long... you open it up and push the button and BOOF!

From there it just blew out of this deep hole. Much like this...

Propane tank leak causes car explosion


That video shows how it felt inside me. It burned INTENSELY with a propellant. The mist I can only assume was an unignited fire in me. It was the most amazingly scarey thing I'd seen... But not only that. In my mind, that ghostly figure before that I couldn't see was Absolutely clear in this 20-30 foot high fire wall it looked like This

I was terrified by it I panicked, I didn't know what to do. Then I thought "this is a good thing."

I was drowning in a pool of my sorrow, sadness, loneliness, love and depression for this woman who showed, at the end of the day, she didn't give a damn about me... This rage... this wall of Fire, this demon, i realized I could use. It was starting to get larger because it was consuming other situations... situations I knew had nothing to do with this. I kept getting more and more angry about any and everything.

I procured the "box" (if you will) of all the emotions i had for her. the love, the hate, the anger. The memories, the keep sakes [(that little pocket she told me to keep... empty because the love wasn't really there) see note at end] All of that... Everything she left me with.

The first thing I did was take the anger i had at her and cordoned off the destruction zone by burning everything around the blaze. This rage would not be allowed to consume anything else. This Zone would bear her name so that all the charred border would be labelled her name. I held on to the remainder of the anger towards her for alittle while longer.

I went to the Gym and I did this while exercising...

I dug into the box One by one, I tossed those into the fire. That scary blaze... I dropped every piece of it one by one, valentine's day, the walk down old-town, Each look, touch, kiss and mental picture, into the inferno.

Halfway through my workout, I felt like the inferno was dying out I'd thrown all these love and sadness soaked items into this blaze and it quelled it a bit. So that last bit of anger and hate I had to her, that was tossed into the fire. A small explosion of rage happened, but I was at the pinnacle of my bike climb and the added stress and extra endorphins helped pull it back in.

I then pulled out the "rationalization" that I do and began my process of putting out the fire

by the time I left the Gym I had the fire contained, but there was still some smoldering embers in there...

Before I went to bed I stood up and held one hand like I was holding a nozzle, and the other like I was holding a squeeze trigger. Every time a rage-thought would pop up, I mimicked the use of a fire extinguisher on it. The sound i made alerted my brain to the nature of the thought and to remind it to quell those thoughts.

it took about another 10 minutes for the nasty thoughts to stop popping up, but now I'm back... I'm happy. I'm 100% stoic again... I loved her when she didn't make it easy for me to. Her ex-husband loved her when she didn't make it easy for him to (He even tracked her every move because, by her own admission, she was not the easiest person to trust. She admits she doesn't need to be accountable for her actions pertaining to her male companions!). I allowed her deeper than anyone has ever been. She in-turn, used me for her own personal gain. She used to brag about how everybody in her life "needs" her. She's this super awesome person and everybody needs her and she can't get away. I think once she thought I "needed" her that I was disposable and she turned on me. I'll never NOT love her at some level, but I also recognize the type of person she is, and I can walk away knowing that regardless of what happened there, I did my best by her.



note:
That's an all together different story! She said "keep pockets of love with you, in your heart, of the people who love you" and she said that I should make one for her... I always had a hard time filling that pocket and she made me believe it was MY fault. . That I was somehow to blame that I couldn't feel her love. She never ONCE said she loved me without me prompting and made excuses. I feel the love of my new partner, but i never felt it from her. Even to this day I still don't feel it from her.

She was the problem, not me NEVER let anyone make you believe you're the problem, guys!

Also, note, she got everything she gave me back recently. Her actions caused some events that ruined what was to be a memorable event for the person who means the most to her. He will forever remember this event, his feelings changed. I always say, "God's revenge is always much more destructive than anything I could ever devise." and this was proven. I'm vindicated and feel 100% better.