So...

Some things that have been on my mind lately

I've had some severe self-esteem issues... it's not so much that I dislike myself, but my body image was completely negative... not even at 0, if I was at 0, I could at least add to it... i was negative. I hated what I saw below my neck.

Doesn't help that yes, I've heard every fat joke in the book (kids are cruel). My step-brother has, actually, apologized several times for how he used to treat me (he was a naturally skinny kid, could eat whatever he wanted) He would defend me to the death against all outside forces, but he also added to it when we were alone. I got made fun of for being fat all the time. people tried to beat me up for it. It was bad, dude... real bad. What also happened is that I moved around a lot, so it was always new people that got in their fat jokes (i swear I've heard every one, if it was new, I would laugh at it because I could appreciate the creativity)

Well, life went on, I grew up a bit, went to college. It wasn't that big of a deal. But the damage was done. I eventually found out, in college, that I'm a bit "handsome" girls responded well to my smile, but i noticed i didn't get much attention until I lost a bunch of weight my first semester.

Fast forward, I had a friend who i used to talk to regularly. She and I goofed off all the time, she was on my MySpace one day and I showed her the picture of me with dreds... she called me "handsome in the face" but then she called another guy on my page "hot" and it was kinda like getting kicked in the ass. She told me "well you are handsome in the face... What, you want me to call you hot? well I won't lie to you." or something to that effect. She didn't blow my world away, she just reaffirmed what I already knew. I wasn't hot. I was Smart, Talented, Artistic, Funny, Witty, Mysterious (sometimes), charming, and at times, Handsome, but I was not hot, nor was I sexy. When reviewed, nobody ever told me I was "sexy"

I carried around this underlying self-loathing, in a sense that I didn't like the shell I was put in. I had all these positive qualities, but they were attached to something so unattractive that most people would never try to discover them. It got so bad that I'll admit that it started to affect my "sexual identity." I found out quickly what I liked and didn't like however, but that's when I knew I had a problem. My self-loathing made my brain pick up positive physical qualities of others and made them trigger chemical responses that I was neither prepared battle, nor understand.

I addressed this and I began to own it. I began to say I'm not going to change for anybody. I am me, screw you if you don't like it. Deep down I felt jilted. I felt rejected. I felt like people wanted me for reasons other than my physical self. I began to withdraw from women who figured me as a "friend" I refused to have women around me who only wanted to be with me because they found all my other qualities attractive but just couldn't get past my physicality (it was confirmed in eavesdropping that some of the ladies did not want to be with me because i just wasn't attractive to them, in that sense.)

I always felt like a big bag of "Dream Guy" parts. As if a girl would look at me like, "if only I could take this and that part from SBE, stick it on _____, and he'd be perfect." I never felt complete... being told "i'm with you for other reasons" was NEVER a comforting thing to say to me. It said "you're subpar but you're better here, so congratulations, this is what I want today..." who knows the next day she may want the guy with the qualities I was lacking in, and then I was a big bag of "Dream Guy" parts again.

I mentioned this idea in one of my blog posts...

Last Woe is me- I swear

I fought with this deep-seated self-loathing that I could never express to anyone, eloquently. It ate away ate me all the time, every day.

I recently have been talking with a friend of mine, and while we're not dating, nor sleeping together, she has, without any provocation, said something that really blew me away. Moved me to my core, even.

I was talking with her about my progress at the Gym. I told her "I'm trying to get Hot, you know?! Gotta get sexy" jokingly. She said in the most absolute voice, with seriousness. "I don't know what you're talking about, you already are Hot."

it seriously broke something in my brain for a minute. "No, she can't be serious." i said to myself. "She's bugging..." then I thought "what is she buttering me up for." She said, again, without provocation "You are sexy, you don't need to 'get' sexy." My brain broke, then my heart melted a bit. I've never heard anyone ever say that to me before. Not just saying one part of me is sexy, or how nice my smile is or how great my mind is, or they love my eyes. Actually call me, ME, the entirety of me -- My chassis, and components -- sexy.

That meant more to me than I can express in words. I felt... it's hard to say... I felt like a complete human being. Like a whole person. Like someone COULD want all of me... not just some parts of me, but all of me. Like I could be naked and a woman wouldn't turn her head away from me (has happened before with a couple of partners... yes... it doesn't feel that good, LOL!). I felt like I was a PERSON with qualities, and not so much a Walking assortment of Qualities in a plastic bag.

When she told me this, and I could hear the seriousness in her voice. I got a little shaken to my core. It was the first time I'd heard it and it was the first time anyone has ever given me reason to believe that I'm more than an assortment of parts. That I am a whole... That I am more than the assortment of great attributes. That the sum of the parts equal more than the shell they're put in.

Anyway, that's just something that has been on my mind.