Member of the Month Nov 2018
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I am in my early 40's and have had premature ejaculation since my first sexual experience 25 years ago. My sex life has been filled with shame, frustration, and embarrassment. I have been happily married for 20 years to a very supportive woman, but there has always been a void because of the shame I feel.
I am overwhelmed with thanks and humbled by the generosity of the members of this site. I hope that the ones who helped me take a second to understand how grateful I am that they gave their time to help. It has transformed my life. Thank you Pegasus, TheZZMan, Big Al, Tango 5/10, PhilipKDick, Shikamaru, Cephalus, and Ellford for your guidance and expertise. There is no way I would have figured this out on my own. And, thanks to iwillbeatit and TheR for the support of going down this journey with me.
Here is a summary of all I learned, tried, fought through, failed at, and ultimately succeeded at -- over the past two month of daily, dedicated, intensive training to fix my premature ejaculation. After getting a number of private messages, I figured I would put this upfront. When I started, I was only lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute - and that was for over 1000 times of having sex in my life (20 years X 1/week X about 50 weeks/year). After doing the exercises described below for two months, I now last well over ten minutes - and usually ejaculate only after I've decided that I want to.
The numbers: Where I started and where I am now
Dry masturbation: I could last as long as I wanted. But, I could also cum in under a minute if I forced it. I had no understanding of what my body was doing in either case. Watching porn, I would cum very quickly.
Masturbation with lube: less than one minute
Blowjob: ~1 minute. Every once in a while (less than 5 times in 20 years) I could last a few minutes. I had no idea why.
Penis-in-vagina sex: her on top = 1 minute, me on top or doggy style = just a few thrusts.
I had intense involuntary kegels (IKs) anytime I masturbated with lube, got a blowjob, or had real sex. Also, I held my breath, tightened all my core muscles, and felt a lot of anxiety before and during sex. Within a few seconds of entering during sex, I knew I had no control and felt a sense of helplessness.
Over my 25 years of preE, I tried a number of numbing creams with and without condoms. They never worked for me. Obviously, they killed the sensitivity, but they did nothing for the underlying causes of my premature ejaculation.
After following the program outlined in this post for two months, here is where I am now:
Dry masturbation: I never do it. There is no point. I think it's a bad habit that pushed me in the wrong direction.
Masturbation with lube: I can now control my arousal level to do this until I decide to stop.
Blowjob: To be determined. Since I started my training two months ago, I have not gotten a blowjob. I've been so focused on intercourse, that I haven't asked for it and it hasn't come up. But, I'm excited to try it.
Penis-in-vagina sex: her on top, standing, doggy style in a few different positions, missionary = longer than 10 minutes. I don't look at the clock anymore. I control myself until she cums and then I try to be considerate of not pounding away for too long afterwards. I do have fun and play around with new positions even after she cums. Sex is super fun now!
My understanding of the causes of my premature ejaculation
Through my daily study on this website and by reading medical journal articles, and through daily trial-and-error practice, here is my current understanding of what the underlying causes of my premature ejaculation were.
Pelvic floor: My pelvic floor was chronically tight. When I first learned about reverse kegels (RKs), I couldn't perform them. My BC would spasm causing an IK each time a hand, mouth, or vagina slid up or down my penis. Every contraction brought me closer to the point-of-no-return (PONR).
Anxiety: The anxiety of ejaculating early caused me to be filled with fear. My body would be flushed with cortisol and adrenaline. My heart rate would accelerate and my blood pressure would rise. My breathing would get very shallow or stop completely for a period of time. My muscles would tighten as I would try to fight off the inevitable orgasm.
Arousal: I had no understanding or control over my arousal. I had no plateau phase in my sexual response. When a sex act started, I immediately shot up to the PONR. I did not control my breathing, my erection level, my thoughts. All of them were on auto-pilot, doing whatever my body spontaneously did.
My program to fix my premature ejaculation
Motivation
Before I describe the steps I took to fix my preE, I want to first talk about motivation and dedication to a program. I know that lots of different positive and negative things can motivate people. For me, in many areas of my life, I derive motivation from trying to stay away from a negative thing more than trying to achieve a positive thing. To fix my preE, I harnessed all the embarrassment and shame I felt in my life and, to be honest, let my mind and body be filled with that sense of frustration - and I used those feelings to motivate me to wake up early before my family did to work on my preE training - or to stay up later after everyone went to bed to work on it. It was a extremely strong motivator for me. If you are a person who is motivated to prove someone wrong who didn't believe in you, or are motivated to not fail - then use those things to keep going and to stay focused. If you are a person who is motivated by positive things - like the thought of really being able to fulfill your girlfriend or wife sexually, or the thought of feeling an amazing sense of accomplishment when you beat your preE, then use those feelings to push yourself every day. Maybe use both the positive and the negative. But, you need to find some way to stay motivated. There are going to many ups and downs. And, the downs can crush your spirit - so what will you do to make yourself get back up and fight again?
Make goals
For each area of my practice (edging, ballooning, stretching, RKs, arousal awareness, etc) I made weekly goals and tracked my progress. When you achieve a goal, it will motivate you to keep going. When you don't achieve a goal, it will be a sign that there is something more you need to do - something more to learn - a sign that you may be moving in the wrong direction and need to try something else. Make goals for the time to the PONR during each edging session, make a goals for your speed, or to be able to edge in a different position. Make a goal to stay at a certain level of arousal to build a plateau. Work towards your final end goal of what you want to be able to do during real sex (have doggy style sex for 10 minutes, get a blowjob for 5 minutes, last longer than my wife so that she orgasms first, etc). Make big goals and small goals. Track your progress.
My Routine
Arousal Awareness: Get to know your body. Learn how it responds to sexual stimuli. What happens when you masturbate or have sex? Be aware of your breathing, your pelvic floor, your muscles, your heart rate. Learn the arousal levels 0-10. How does stroke speed affect your rate of increasing arousal? How does thrusting your hips during sex change your arousal? How does touching your partner on the ass during sex? How does having erotic thoughts or hearing erotic sounds? A great arousal thread was written by Drummer19:
https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...echniques.html
Learn about your body. How does it react? What do you want it to do? What can you do to change your arousal?
For me, at the beginning, I had to completely remove any arousing thoughts, I had to slow down the speed, I had to be completely focused on my breathing to keep it stable and relaxed, I could not thrust my hips, etc. Figure out what you have to do to keep your arousal from spiking up to the PONR. The main goals is to develop a plateau.
Stretching to Reduce Pelvic Floor Tightness:
I think one of the main factors causing premature ejaculation and other dysfunctions in men is tightness of the pelvic floor. Here is what I did to improve mine.
Stretches -
happy baby pose
hindi squats
hindi squats with back on floor, pelvis rotated so that the lower back pushes on the floor, and feet up on a wall
hindi squats with a wider stance and rocking back and forth over the feet
cobra/upward dog to stretch the stomach and hip flexors
butterfly and reverse butterfly
pigeon
child's pose
hip flexor lunges
cat/cow poses
reverse hurdler for hamstrings
sit on a tennis ball (I do this while working and in the car while driving)
I also follow the pelvic floor stretches at this channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntP8eQY74Cw
Anterior Pelvic Tilt (APT) is a major issue that leads to pelvic floor problems and, for me, the inability to reverse kegel. Even if you don't think you have APT, I think it's worth doing these stretches and exercises. Why? Even the best runners in the world still have to run to stay the best runners in the world! If you do have APT, then addressing that issue will be a total game changer for you in fixing your preE. I'm not sure I would have had the success I have had without addressing my APT. I need to thank Pegasus for asking me the questions that made me realize that APT was an issue for me. It made my RKs work much more effectively and made me figure out how to have sex in missionary and doggy style, which I could never do in the past.
Here are some of the stretches and exercises I do: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T69N5A0GzrI
The exercises and stretches start at about the 7 minute mark. The first time, you may want to watch the whole video to understand what the issue is.
I stretch for at least 10 minutes every day. I hold each stretch for at least 10 seconds. I try to feel my body relax and release into the stretch. For me, the most effective stretch or loosening of my pelvic floor which allows me to do RKs is the hindi squat with my feet on the wall, my back on the floor, and my hips rotated to address my APT and push my lower back onto the floor. After doing this stretch a few times, I can really expand my pelvic floor with a RK, which is extremely important for controlling my arousal and staying away from the PONR. My other favorite is the happy baby pose.
Ballooning:
My frenulum and glans were extremely sensitive. I had an IK anytime I touched them. My body/mind could not handle the intensity of the feeling when they were touched. To get used to the feeling, I followed thread by kingpole and the pegym article below:
Ballooning by kingpole: https://www.pegym.com/forums/erectil...ing-101-a.html
Ballooning article on pegym: https://www.pegym.com/penis-exercises/ballooning
I love the description that someone gave on the PreE forum that ballooning is like grabbing a pickle out of a pickle jar. That always stuck with me.
Edging:
Edging is like sparing in boxing training. It's going to let you practice all your techniques (breathing, RKs, arousal awareness, etc) with the ultimate goal of increasing the duration of your real sex. Go out and buy a fleshlight (STU) right now! Get some good water-based lube. These are your tools. For me, a fleshlight with lube that has been warmed up in hot water for 5 minutes --- it feels like the real thing! Okay, it doesn't breathe in your ear or press its amazing ass up against you (which are important differences), but it's about as good as it gets when you need to do daily practice.
the routine:
-Edge at least 20 minutes every day
-Be aware of your breathing, heart rate, IKs, pelvic floor tightness, and arousal level
-Go super slow at the beginning. If you are like I was (hit the PONR in less than 30 seconds), then go super slow. I started with a rate of 1 stroke every 5 seconds. I did a long RK each time I moved the STU up or down. I breathed from my diaphragm. I relaxed my body and mind.
-Make a goal. My first goal was to edge at a very slow speed for 2 minutes before reaching the PONR. Originally, I wanted to build up to the 2 minute mark over 1-2 months. But, with practice, I got there in about two weeks.
-Only ejaculate every 3rd or 4th day. You need to take control of you mind and break that cycle that says every time you have a sexual experience you have to ejaculate. Seriously, you need to commit to changing how your body and mind react and what your habits are.
-I completely gave up porn. I could not handle the extra arousal. I wanted to bring things back to my mind, my imagination, and the natural feelings of sex.
Over time, increase your speed, add erotic thoughts and sounds, work on different positions, etc. I spent a lot of time developing the following technique. Lying on my back, I rotated my hips to press my lower back to the bed (APT issue), breathe from my belly, do a long reverse kegel, and move the STU down my shaft. I did that over and over for days and days. Over time, I finally got my body and brain used to the feelings, my RKs became effective at lowering my arousal level, my breathing became more automatic, my pelvic floor got looser (from the stretching), and I started to develop a plateau.
The main goal with edging is to find a way to develop an arousal plateau that you can maintain for a certain amount of time. At first, it might be just 30 seconds. But, over time, you an build up your plateau to 10 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever you and your partner need or want. For me, I had to loosen my pelvic floor, learn to do RKs, become aware of my arousal, relax my breathing, relax my body and not tighten my core muscles, learn to thrust my hips without tightening my pelvic floor. It's a lot to figure out. Just keep playing around with different things, keep a journal to track your progress and to remember what works and doesn't work.
I followed the edging routine by ammonite: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...aculation.html
Now that I am at an intermediate level of edging, I have been following some advice by TheZZMan of trying to play around near the PONR to figure out what to do to not go over it. For beginners, I recommend going slow, keeping relaxed and staying at an arousal level of a 6 or so to learn to build your plateau. But now, I am pushing up to an 8 or 9 and then trying to find a way to get back down. I sometimes do a RK and then let my pelvic floor go neutral (like TheZZMan recommends), sometimes I do a short or long hard kegel. Sometimes I screw up and go over the edge and ejaculate. Then I just try again the next day.
Breathing:
I use relaxation breathing to reduce my anxiety, to relax my body, and it helps me keep my arousal level in check. I breathe from my belly (diaphragm) to a medium level - not super deep and not shallow. Just in the middle. When having real sex, even now, I have to remind myself during foreplay/oral and when I first start having intercourse to breathe. I also practice triangle breathing: breathe in for X seconds, holds for X seconds, exhale for X seconds. For me, X = 3 seconds.
Kegels/Reverse Kegels:
There is a lot of information on kegels and reverse kegels out there. I'm starting to get really pissed off each time I read an article online about how doing kegels will fix your preE. Maybe there's a case of that happening, but I think that for a vast majority of men, kegels alone will make the preE worse, and reverse kegels are the important thing for helping control arousal and fixing preE.
I started with a 25% kegel and 75% reverse kegel routine. I did a mix of short, long, and bursts. I practiced front and back kegels and reverse kegels. After the first week, I went to a 100% front reverse kegel routine. I needed to really focus on loosening my pelvic floor and mentally understanding what I need to do to make my body actually perform a reverse kegel. Now, reverse kegels are absolutely essential for me to control the tightness of my pelvic floor muscles and to stay away from the PONR during real sex. I use them all the time to regulate my arousal level. I do RKs all day, any time I think about it. I do them in a bunch of different positions (sitting, walking, in plank position, on my back). I do them in each of the sex positions I want to do in real sex. I have to rotate my hips to flatten my lower back to make the RKs work in certain positions. I practice getting an erection and then making that erection go away by doing RKs. I try long hard RKs, long medium RKs, a series of short RKs. You may want to try this to see if your RKs are actually working.
I practice and use this reverse kegel meditative breathing method described by imac: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...se-kegels.html
Here's a good basic description of kegels and reverse kegels: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...ster-list.html
Since I think that reverse kegels are harder to understand and to perform than regular kegels, here is another description of RKs: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...se-kegels.html
Basically, the way I think about it is that a kegel stops your urine flow and that a reverse keges starts and speeds up your urine flow. A back reverse kegel makes you defecate.
Even after I learned to RK, I lost the ability to do them (actually many times I lost the ability). It took me a number of weeks of work to figure out why. Each time it was because I had tight muscles. Once, I had extremely tight stomach muscles. Doing a couple days of cobra/upward dog stretches fixed that issue. When I reverse kegel, the pressure generated to expand the pelvic floor starts from the diaphragm. So, when my stomach was tight, I couldn't get my diaphragm to move. The other time it was APT and tight pelvic floor issues. I did the wall hindi squats, happy baby pose, and all my other stretches to fix it.
Also, sometimes I just try to push too hard when doing a RK. That ends up tightening my pelvic floor and locking things up again.
After a few weeks, I switched back to a 25% kegel and 75% reverse kegel routine. I did this because my anus was feeling a little too loose. So, I need to try to balance things again. I may continue to play around with the ratio over time depending on how my body feels and what it needs. I have read that the pelvic floor needs to be flexible, strong, and balanced front to back. I am still working to find the right balance, but it is much more flexible and a little stronger now. The balance is a bit off, where my back is looser than my front. So, I will try more kegels in the back and still more RK in the front.
I do the K/RK routine every day. I do them whenever I think about it. I stop doing kegels when my pelvic area begins to feel tired. Once in a while, it still feels tired the next day, so I skip a day of kegels. I do RKs everyday.
The benefit of RKs during edging and real sex is that they can lower your arousal level. The drawback is that if they are done too much that they can lower your EQ in the moment. So, you have to find a balance for how often you do them. At first, I had to do them every stroke. Now, I only do a medium one every 5 or 10 strokes during real sex once I hit an arousal plateau. At the beginning of real sex, I do them a bit more - maybe every 2 or 3 strokes, but I also don't let my EQ drop too much. It's a balance.
Real Sex:
So, once you've practiced for weeks/months and your breathing is relaxed, your pelvic floor is loose and strong, you know your arousal levels, you have developed a plateau, you can reverse kegel to lower your arousal, etc. -- what do you do during real sex? For me, I had to develop a specific process during real sex to combat the anxiety and to overcome the bad habits I had developed over 25 years of doing things the wrong way. Real sex has way more physical stimuli than edging.
It will really help if you to talk with your partner about what's going on. Edging with a fleshlight is great for practice and it's convenient, but getting to practice with a real person is extremely helpful. I told my wife "I've read a number of articles and forum threads about preE. There is a really good chance that I will fix this. It is really important to me, my confidence level, and my connection to you. Also, I think when I fix this, sex will be more enjoyable for you. Will you help me work on this?" I am lucky in that I have a partner that said yes. She was on board to help.
So, here's what I did.
- Foreplay and oral sex: I kept my clothes on. I did not allow myself to get too caught up in the excitement. I did my relaxation breathing. I did my reverse kegels to lower my erection and loosen my pelvic floor. I kept my mind very flat - not too excited. I focused on her and her pleasure and on what I thought would make her feel good. I tried to help her have an orgasm so that she got some enjoyment.
- Intercourse: I picked the position that was the easiest for me to rotate my hips and flatten my lower back to address my APT, which allowed me to perform effective RKs. That position was girl on top for me. For you, it my be a different position. When I first entered her, I asked her not to move. I got my breathing under control and relaxed. I let the flush of intense feelings and chemicals released in my body wash through me. I breathed and kept my mind relaxed. I did not focus on any erotic thoughts, I did not thrust my hips and tighten my pelvic floor, I did not grab her ass or breasts. I stayed very neutral. I did this for at least one minute, sometimes longer. I think it would even be helpful for those with really intense preE to do this for 5 minutes.
Next, I asked her to move up and down very slowly. The rate was probably once every 5 seconds. I did my meditative reverse kegel breathing (one RK for every stroke while inhaling a breath). I did not participate in the thrusting. Only she moved. I kept my mind calm.
We did this for a couple minutes. The first time I did this, after a couple minutes, I felt that my arousal was ramping up too quickly. My RKs were not fully effective yet, my pelvic floor was not as loose as it is now, etc. So, I asked to switch positions to me standing. We did that position for a couple minutes and then we went back to girl on top. Again, we went back through the routine I described above. After a couple minutes, I settled into an arousal plateau of about a 6. We had sex for about 10 minutes at a very fast speed with me thrusting and feeling her body. It was a life changing experience. I realized then that I could gain control of my arousal and could fix my preE.
After a month of practicing all my exercises and playing around with things during real sex, I still use all of the techniques I described, but they have become more natural, automatic, and easier to do. Sex has become really fun! I feel a much stronger connection to my wife because I don't feel the shame and embarrassment. I feel stronger and more confident in myself because I can control my arousal so that she has one or more orgasms before I do. The waiting and build up of arousal makes my orgasms much more intense. It has been an amazing experience. I never would have achieved this without the PEGYM and the contributors.
So - that's what worked for me. Please ask any questions you have. I will help if I can. What's next for me? I'm interested in getting better at sex. I'm reading a lot on different techniques. I'm interested in MMO. I feel like I'm just at the beginning of this.
My progress thread can be found at:
https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...provement.html
I am overwhelmed with thanks and humbled by the generosity of the members of this site. I hope that the ones who helped me take a second to understand how grateful I am that they gave their time to help. It has transformed my life. Thank you Pegasus, TheZZMan, Big Al, Tango 5/10, PhilipKDick, Shikamaru, Cephalus, and Ellford for your guidance and expertise. There is no way I would have figured this out on my own. And, thanks to iwillbeatit and TheR for the support of going down this journey with me.
Here is a summary of all I learned, tried, fought through, failed at, and ultimately succeeded at -- over the past two month of daily, dedicated, intensive training to fix my premature ejaculation. After getting a number of private messages, I figured I would put this upfront. When I started, I was only lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute - and that was for over 1000 times of having sex in my life (20 years X 1/week X about 50 weeks/year). After doing the exercises described below for two months, I now last well over ten minutes - and usually ejaculate only after I've decided that I want to.
The numbers: Where I started and where I am now
Dry masturbation: I could last as long as I wanted. But, I could also cum in under a minute if I forced it. I had no understanding of what my body was doing in either case. Watching porn, I would cum very quickly.
Masturbation with lube: less than one minute
Blowjob: ~1 minute. Every once in a while (less than 5 times in 20 years) I could last a few minutes. I had no idea why.
Penis-in-vagina sex: her on top = 1 minute, me on top or doggy style = just a few thrusts.
I had intense involuntary kegels (IKs) anytime I masturbated with lube, got a blowjob, or had real sex. Also, I held my breath, tightened all my core muscles, and felt a lot of anxiety before and during sex. Within a few seconds of entering during sex, I knew I had no control and felt a sense of helplessness.
Over my 25 years of preE, I tried a number of numbing creams with and without condoms. They never worked for me. Obviously, they killed the sensitivity, but they did nothing for the underlying causes of my premature ejaculation.
After following the program outlined in this post for two months, here is where I am now:
Dry masturbation: I never do it. There is no point. I think it's a bad habit that pushed me in the wrong direction.
Masturbation with lube: I can now control my arousal level to do this until I decide to stop.
Blowjob: To be determined. Since I started my training two months ago, I have not gotten a blowjob. I've been so focused on intercourse, that I haven't asked for it and it hasn't come up. But, I'm excited to try it.
Penis-in-vagina sex: her on top, standing, doggy style in a few different positions, missionary = longer than 10 minutes. I don't look at the clock anymore. I control myself until she cums and then I try to be considerate of not pounding away for too long afterwards. I do have fun and play around with new positions even after she cums. Sex is super fun now!
My understanding of the causes of my premature ejaculation
Through my daily study on this website and by reading medical journal articles, and through daily trial-and-error practice, here is my current understanding of what the underlying causes of my premature ejaculation were.
Pelvic floor: My pelvic floor was chronically tight. When I first learned about reverse kegels (RKs), I couldn't perform them. My BC would spasm causing an IK each time a hand, mouth, or vagina slid up or down my penis. Every contraction brought me closer to the point-of-no-return (PONR).
Anxiety: The anxiety of ejaculating early caused me to be filled with fear. My body would be flushed with cortisol and adrenaline. My heart rate would accelerate and my blood pressure would rise. My breathing would get very shallow or stop completely for a period of time. My muscles would tighten as I would try to fight off the inevitable orgasm.
Arousal: I had no understanding or control over my arousal. I had no plateau phase in my sexual response. When a sex act started, I immediately shot up to the PONR. I did not control my breathing, my erection level, my thoughts. All of them were on auto-pilot, doing whatever my body spontaneously did.
My program to fix my premature ejaculation
Motivation
Before I describe the steps I took to fix my preE, I want to first talk about motivation and dedication to a program. I know that lots of different positive and negative things can motivate people. For me, in many areas of my life, I derive motivation from trying to stay away from a negative thing more than trying to achieve a positive thing. To fix my preE, I harnessed all the embarrassment and shame I felt in my life and, to be honest, let my mind and body be filled with that sense of frustration - and I used those feelings to motivate me to wake up early before my family did to work on my preE training - or to stay up later after everyone went to bed to work on it. It was a extremely strong motivator for me. If you are a person who is motivated to prove someone wrong who didn't believe in you, or are motivated to not fail - then use those things to keep going and to stay focused. If you are a person who is motivated by positive things - like the thought of really being able to fulfill your girlfriend or wife sexually, or the thought of feeling an amazing sense of accomplishment when you beat your preE, then use those feelings to push yourself every day. Maybe use both the positive and the negative. But, you need to find some way to stay motivated. There are going to many ups and downs. And, the downs can crush your spirit - so what will you do to make yourself get back up and fight again?
Make goals
For each area of my practice (edging, ballooning, stretching, RKs, arousal awareness, etc) I made weekly goals and tracked my progress. When you achieve a goal, it will motivate you to keep going. When you don't achieve a goal, it will be a sign that there is something more you need to do - something more to learn - a sign that you may be moving in the wrong direction and need to try something else. Make goals for the time to the PONR during each edging session, make a goals for your speed, or to be able to edge in a different position. Make a goal to stay at a certain level of arousal to build a plateau. Work towards your final end goal of what you want to be able to do during real sex (have doggy style sex for 10 minutes, get a blowjob for 5 minutes, last longer than my wife so that she orgasms first, etc). Make big goals and small goals. Track your progress.
My Routine
Arousal Awareness: Get to know your body. Learn how it responds to sexual stimuli. What happens when you masturbate or have sex? Be aware of your breathing, your pelvic floor, your muscles, your heart rate. Learn the arousal levels 0-10. How does stroke speed affect your rate of increasing arousal? How does thrusting your hips during sex change your arousal? How does touching your partner on the ass during sex? How does having erotic thoughts or hearing erotic sounds? A great arousal thread was written by Drummer19:
https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...echniques.html
Learn about your body. How does it react? What do you want it to do? What can you do to change your arousal?
For me, at the beginning, I had to completely remove any arousing thoughts, I had to slow down the speed, I had to be completely focused on my breathing to keep it stable and relaxed, I could not thrust my hips, etc. Figure out what you have to do to keep your arousal from spiking up to the PONR. The main goals is to develop a plateau.
Stretching to Reduce Pelvic Floor Tightness:
I think one of the main factors causing premature ejaculation and other dysfunctions in men is tightness of the pelvic floor. Here is what I did to improve mine.
Stretches -
happy baby pose
hindi squats
hindi squats with back on floor, pelvis rotated so that the lower back pushes on the floor, and feet up on a wall
hindi squats with a wider stance and rocking back and forth over the feet
cobra/upward dog to stretch the stomach and hip flexors
butterfly and reverse butterfly
pigeon
child's pose
hip flexor lunges
cat/cow poses
reverse hurdler for hamstrings
sit on a tennis ball (I do this while working and in the car while driving)
I also follow the pelvic floor stretches at this channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntP8eQY74Cw
Anterior Pelvic Tilt (APT) is a major issue that leads to pelvic floor problems and, for me, the inability to reverse kegel. Even if you don't think you have APT, I think it's worth doing these stretches and exercises. Why? Even the best runners in the world still have to run to stay the best runners in the world! If you do have APT, then addressing that issue will be a total game changer for you in fixing your preE. I'm not sure I would have had the success I have had without addressing my APT. I need to thank Pegasus for asking me the questions that made me realize that APT was an issue for me. It made my RKs work much more effectively and made me figure out how to have sex in missionary and doggy style, which I could never do in the past.
Here are some of the stretches and exercises I do: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T69N5A0GzrI
The exercises and stretches start at about the 7 minute mark. The first time, you may want to watch the whole video to understand what the issue is.
I stretch for at least 10 minutes every day. I hold each stretch for at least 10 seconds. I try to feel my body relax and release into the stretch. For me, the most effective stretch or loosening of my pelvic floor which allows me to do RKs is the hindi squat with my feet on the wall, my back on the floor, and my hips rotated to address my APT and push my lower back onto the floor. After doing this stretch a few times, I can really expand my pelvic floor with a RK, which is extremely important for controlling my arousal and staying away from the PONR. My other favorite is the happy baby pose.
Ballooning:
My frenulum and glans were extremely sensitive. I had an IK anytime I touched them. My body/mind could not handle the intensity of the feeling when they were touched. To get used to the feeling, I followed thread by kingpole and the pegym article below:
Ballooning by kingpole: https://www.pegym.com/forums/erectil...ing-101-a.html
Ballooning article on pegym: https://www.pegym.com/penis-exercises/ballooning
I love the description that someone gave on the PreE forum that ballooning is like grabbing a pickle out of a pickle jar. That always stuck with me.
Edging:
Edging is like sparing in boxing training. It's going to let you practice all your techniques (breathing, RKs, arousal awareness, etc) with the ultimate goal of increasing the duration of your real sex. Go out and buy a fleshlight (STU) right now! Get some good water-based lube. These are your tools. For me, a fleshlight with lube that has been warmed up in hot water for 5 minutes --- it feels like the real thing! Okay, it doesn't breathe in your ear or press its amazing ass up against you (which are important differences), but it's about as good as it gets when you need to do daily practice.
the routine:
-Edge at least 20 minutes every day
-Be aware of your breathing, heart rate, IKs, pelvic floor tightness, and arousal level
-Go super slow at the beginning. If you are like I was (hit the PONR in less than 30 seconds), then go super slow. I started with a rate of 1 stroke every 5 seconds. I did a long RK each time I moved the STU up or down. I breathed from my diaphragm. I relaxed my body and mind.
-Make a goal. My first goal was to edge at a very slow speed for 2 minutes before reaching the PONR. Originally, I wanted to build up to the 2 minute mark over 1-2 months. But, with practice, I got there in about two weeks.
-Only ejaculate every 3rd or 4th day. You need to take control of you mind and break that cycle that says every time you have a sexual experience you have to ejaculate. Seriously, you need to commit to changing how your body and mind react and what your habits are.
-I completely gave up porn. I could not handle the extra arousal. I wanted to bring things back to my mind, my imagination, and the natural feelings of sex.
Over time, increase your speed, add erotic thoughts and sounds, work on different positions, etc. I spent a lot of time developing the following technique. Lying on my back, I rotated my hips to press my lower back to the bed (APT issue), breathe from my belly, do a long reverse kegel, and move the STU down my shaft. I did that over and over for days and days. Over time, I finally got my body and brain used to the feelings, my RKs became effective at lowering my arousal level, my breathing became more automatic, my pelvic floor got looser (from the stretching), and I started to develop a plateau.
The main goal with edging is to find a way to develop an arousal plateau that you can maintain for a certain amount of time. At first, it might be just 30 seconds. But, over time, you an build up your plateau to 10 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever you and your partner need or want. For me, I had to loosen my pelvic floor, learn to do RKs, become aware of my arousal, relax my breathing, relax my body and not tighten my core muscles, learn to thrust my hips without tightening my pelvic floor. It's a lot to figure out. Just keep playing around with different things, keep a journal to track your progress and to remember what works and doesn't work.
I followed the edging routine by ammonite: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...aculation.html
Now that I am at an intermediate level of edging, I have been following some advice by TheZZMan of trying to play around near the PONR to figure out what to do to not go over it. For beginners, I recommend going slow, keeping relaxed and staying at an arousal level of a 6 or so to learn to build your plateau. But now, I am pushing up to an 8 or 9 and then trying to find a way to get back down. I sometimes do a RK and then let my pelvic floor go neutral (like TheZZMan recommends), sometimes I do a short or long hard kegel. Sometimes I screw up and go over the edge and ejaculate. Then I just try again the next day.
Breathing:
I use relaxation breathing to reduce my anxiety, to relax my body, and it helps me keep my arousal level in check. I breathe from my belly (diaphragm) to a medium level - not super deep and not shallow. Just in the middle. When having real sex, even now, I have to remind myself during foreplay/oral and when I first start having intercourse to breathe. I also practice triangle breathing: breathe in for X seconds, holds for X seconds, exhale for X seconds. For me, X = 3 seconds.
Kegels/Reverse Kegels:
There is a lot of information on kegels and reverse kegels out there. I'm starting to get really pissed off each time I read an article online about how doing kegels will fix your preE. Maybe there's a case of that happening, but I think that for a vast majority of men, kegels alone will make the preE worse, and reverse kegels are the important thing for helping control arousal and fixing preE.
I started with a 25% kegel and 75% reverse kegel routine. I did a mix of short, long, and bursts. I practiced front and back kegels and reverse kegels. After the first week, I went to a 100% front reverse kegel routine. I needed to really focus on loosening my pelvic floor and mentally understanding what I need to do to make my body actually perform a reverse kegel. Now, reverse kegels are absolutely essential for me to control the tightness of my pelvic floor muscles and to stay away from the PONR during real sex. I use them all the time to regulate my arousal level. I do RKs all day, any time I think about it. I do them in a bunch of different positions (sitting, walking, in plank position, on my back). I do them in each of the sex positions I want to do in real sex. I have to rotate my hips to flatten my lower back to make the RKs work in certain positions. I practice getting an erection and then making that erection go away by doing RKs. I try long hard RKs, long medium RKs, a series of short RKs. You may want to try this to see if your RKs are actually working.
I practice and use this reverse kegel meditative breathing method described by imac: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...se-kegels.html
Here's a good basic description of kegels and reverse kegels: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...ster-list.html
Since I think that reverse kegels are harder to understand and to perform than regular kegels, here is another description of RKs: https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...se-kegels.html
Basically, the way I think about it is that a kegel stops your urine flow and that a reverse keges starts and speeds up your urine flow. A back reverse kegel makes you defecate.
Even after I learned to RK, I lost the ability to do them (actually many times I lost the ability). It took me a number of weeks of work to figure out why. Each time it was because I had tight muscles. Once, I had extremely tight stomach muscles. Doing a couple days of cobra/upward dog stretches fixed that issue. When I reverse kegel, the pressure generated to expand the pelvic floor starts from the diaphragm. So, when my stomach was tight, I couldn't get my diaphragm to move. The other time it was APT and tight pelvic floor issues. I did the wall hindi squats, happy baby pose, and all my other stretches to fix it.
Also, sometimes I just try to push too hard when doing a RK. That ends up tightening my pelvic floor and locking things up again.
After a few weeks, I switched back to a 25% kegel and 75% reverse kegel routine. I did this because my anus was feeling a little too loose. So, I need to try to balance things again. I may continue to play around with the ratio over time depending on how my body feels and what it needs. I have read that the pelvic floor needs to be flexible, strong, and balanced front to back. I am still working to find the right balance, but it is much more flexible and a little stronger now. The balance is a bit off, where my back is looser than my front. So, I will try more kegels in the back and still more RK in the front.
I do the K/RK routine every day. I do them whenever I think about it. I stop doing kegels when my pelvic area begins to feel tired. Once in a while, it still feels tired the next day, so I skip a day of kegels. I do RKs everyday.
The benefit of RKs during edging and real sex is that they can lower your arousal level. The drawback is that if they are done too much that they can lower your EQ in the moment. So, you have to find a balance for how often you do them. At first, I had to do them every stroke. Now, I only do a medium one every 5 or 10 strokes during real sex once I hit an arousal plateau. At the beginning of real sex, I do them a bit more - maybe every 2 or 3 strokes, but I also don't let my EQ drop too much. It's a balance.
Real Sex:
So, once you've practiced for weeks/months and your breathing is relaxed, your pelvic floor is loose and strong, you know your arousal levels, you have developed a plateau, you can reverse kegel to lower your arousal, etc. -- what do you do during real sex? For me, I had to develop a specific process during real sex to combat the anxiety and to overcome the bad habits I had developed over 25 years of doing things the wrong way. Real sex has way more physical stimuli than edging.
It will really help if you to talk with your partner about what's going on. Edging with a fleshlight is great for practice and it's convenient, but getting to practice with a real person is extremely helpful. I told my wife "I've read a number of articles and forum threads about preE. There is a really good chance that I will fix this. It is really important to me, my confidence level, and my connection to you. Also, I think when I fix this, sex will be more enjoyable for you. Will you help me work on this?" I am lucky in that I have a partner that said yes. She was on board to help.
So, here's what I did.
- Foreplay and oral sex: I kept my clothes on. I did not allow myself to get too caught up in the excitement. I did my relaxation breathing. I did my reverse kegels to lower my erection and loosen my pelvic floor. I kept my mind very flat - not too excited. I focused on her and her pleasure and on what I thought would make her feel good. I tried to help her have an orgasm so that she got some enjoyment.
- Intercourse: I picked the position that was the easiest for me to rotate my hips and flatten my lower back to address my APT, which allowed me to perform effective RKs. That position was girl on top for me. For you, it my be a different position. When I first entered her, I asked her not to move. I got my breathing under control and relaxed. I let the flush of intense feelings and chemicals released in my body wash through me. I breathed and kept my mind relaxed. I did not focus on any erotic thoughts, I did not thrust my hips and tighten my pelvic floor, I did not grab her ass or breasts. I stayed very neutral. I did this for at least one minute, sometimes longer. I think it would even be helpful for those with really intense preE to do this for 5 minutes.
Next, I asked her to move up and down very slowly. The rate was probably once every 5 seconds. I did my meditative reverse kegel breathing (one RK for every stroke while inhaling a breath). I did not participate in the thrusting. Only she moved. I kept my mind calm.
We did this for a couple minutes. The first time I did this, after a couple minutes, I felt that my arousal was ramping up too quickly. My RKs were not fully effective yet, my pelvic floor was not as loose as it is now, etc. So, I asked to switch positions to me standing. We did that position for a couple minutes and then we went back to girl on top. Again, we went back through the routine I described above. After a couple minutes, I settled into an arousal plateau of about a 6. We had sex for about 10 minutes at a very fast speed with me thrusting and feeling her body. It was a life changing experience. I realized then that I could gain control of my arousal and could fix my preE.
After a month of practicing all my exercises and playing around with things during real sex, I still use all of the techniques I described, but they have become more natural, automatic, and easier to do. Sex has become really fun! I feel a much stronger connection to my wife because I don't feel the shame and embarrassment. I feel stronger and more confident in myself because I can control my arousal so that she has one or more orgasms before I do. The waiting and build up of arousal makes my orgasms much more intense. It has been an amazing experience. I never would have achieved this without the PEGYM and the contributors.
So - that's what worked for me. Please ask any questions you have. I will help if I can. What's next for me? I'm interested in getting better at sex. I'm reading a lot on different techniques. I'm interested in MMO. I feel like I'm just at the beginning of this.
My progress thread can be found at:
https://www.pegym.com/forums/prematu...provement.html
LOL
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