The ‘friend zone’ has come up on these boards and I decided I’d do a quick write up about my views here. I have been influenced somewhat by Mode One by Alan Roger Currie. He makes clear what kind of behavior men exhibit in healthy (and unhealthy) interactions with women. In all cases, remember that you have the right to identify and express what you’re looking for with any given woman. You don’t owe her friendship and she does not owe you attraction. Without any further delay, there are three categories of the dreaded friend zone as I see it.

1. Self-sabotager – This guy has actually managed to spark some attraction with the girl he likes. She likes him. The problem is that either A. He has failed to identify this and is passively waiting for his moment, or B. He knows it, but is too afraid or passive to make a move on her. She may or may not work a little harder to make her feelings known to him, but this is NOT HER JOB. It is wrong to wait and expect her to give the green light. This guy needs to reorganize his beliefs about women: He does not need a woman’s approval to express interest in her. This voids part A. Then he needs to realize that his temporary anxiety is nothing compared to the prospect of never even making an attempt at what he wants. This voids part B (although he still has to accept the anxiety). A girl who is strongly attracted to this guy may stick around for some time waiting for him to make his move, perhaps even leaving hints that he probably fails to seize, but eventually she will have no choice but to move on. This guy needs to be proactive, needs to stop waiting for that ‘perfect moment’ and needs to make his attraction a priority.

2. The false friend – This guy is attracted to a girl whose feelings towards him are platonic at best. Often he has not expressed any sexual or romantic interest in her at all. In this case, he has sent her the message that he is content with a friendship and that he is not seeking a relationship with her. Since this is false, he has misled her. Sometimes he has expressed his interest, she has rejected him, and now he’s pretending to accept the friendship as-is. (If he truly accepts the friendship, there is no ‘friend zone problem). But if he’s only pretending to accept it, at best he will remain disappointed and waste his time. In a worst-case scenario, he sees a glimmer of false hope (either she gave it to him, or he imagined it) which keeps him around. This guy should not do any favors for her that he would not do for a platonic friend, because he will not be having any sort of sexual or romantic relationship with this woman. If he begins to cater to her, he will eventually begin to resent her.

3. The slowpoke – The slowpoke may have some traits in common with either of the first two narratives, except that he eventually conveys attraction to the girl. The girl may have had initial interest in him, but it waned because he took too long to flirt and escalate with her. He acted like a friend when he could have taken the chance to act like a potential boyfriend. He has probably missed his chance with this girl. A second possibility is that she never had interest in him as more than a friend anyway, in which case he wasted time. This guy is trying to be genuine, so he’s not as bad as the false friend, but he still failed to be efficient.

In all cases, these relationships default to their lowest level of liking, which is often casual acquaintanceship.

Any of the first three scenarios can serve as a painful, yet useful, learning experience for a guy provided that he is willing to analyze his situation truthfully. Any of the above problems above can be voided by being more ‘Mode One’ as Alan Roger Currie puts it – that is, owning your intentions with a woman and being forward. Interestingly, being honest and mature about the reality of your attraction, rather than trying to hide it, generally reduces awkwardness and generates respect.

Remember that if a man genuinely values a woman’s friendship (read: non-sexual) there can still be some level of a relationship. But it is never in his best interest to fake a platonic friendship if he is discontent with that.

Finally, the friend zone only exists when the guy is actually attracted to the girl in question – otherwise it’s just plain ‘friends’ and that’s fine.

There is no use writing an entire article on how to stay out of the friend zone, since it can be summed up so simply: Don’t pretend that you want a friendship if you want something more. It’s not genuine or honest to her or to you.