Seems like my wife has almost no sexual desire....

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

I have been married since April 8th. We are still newlyweds. We are both 24. I am in the military, in awesome shape, muscular and cut. She is a little thicker, but not even close to fat. Perfect in my eyes. Honestly, our relationship is amazing and I know that she loves me a ton, besides one thing that really eats away at me. I don`t know why she never shows any signs off lust towards me. It actually kinda hurts, like feeling rejected and undesired. I have been deployed for the past 4 months. I`ve started to notice that she never asks me for anything, I`m always the one to bring up the subject of anything sexual, and even then it`s short lived because it wont go anywhere. I ask her for pics pretty often. She sends them occasionally, like if shes getting out of the shower. But mainly mirror pictures in bra and panties. I only have 2 pictures on her without a bra on, and never sent me pics of anything dirtier. And she will only flash her boobs on skype for about 3 seconds, and sounded slightly offended when I asked her if she would let me watch her "take care of business" one time while i did the same for her.

She doesn`t ask me for any dirty pics, or anything that would constitute as sexy. You would think, that as a newlywed couple after 4 months of separation, that she would at least have to get off once a week. She has only told me that she has done it once, and I ask her if she`s had to about every month or so. I would send her a small vibrator hoping to get her into it a little more, she said it would go into the garbage if I did that. And I can`t make her want me more nor do I want her to pretend, because it would just be a lie. I know every woman is different, but I mean come on. We`re both young, and newly married. It`s like she doesn`t miss being sexual with me at all. And she has said many times that she enjoys the sex we have way more than any past experience. Even though she initiated only twice while I was home, and it felt like she did it because I would like it. I don`t want her to do things just to make me happy, I just wish she wanted me more in that aspect because it makes her happy too. I have no idea what to do or think about this.

I sure hope some very insightful ladies can comment on this and possibly help me out. I`m about at witts end here and it hurts.

[kickinthemebs Senior Member Member of the Month Feb 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close kickinthemebs]

Firstly, I thought you were the old guy in your picture haha, not 24!

That is strange indeed. How was your sex life before you went apart? So you married and then you were sent off with the military and there has been no dirty pics, sexting, etc? How long were you together before getting married?

It might be helpful to portray how your relationship was before you went off and how your communication is at the moment, and some other details in order to gain some more insights. At the moment, it is a little unclear why your wife might be acting in this way.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey jman4490,

I agree with KITM, until we can get some sort of a comparative, it is difficult to provide you with any helpful insight. Would you mind offering some further details?

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

Firstly, I thought you were the old guy in your picture haha, not 24!

That is strange indeed. How was your sex life before you went apart? So you married and then you were sent off with the military and there has been no dirty pics, sexting, etc? How long were you together before getting married?

It might be helpful to portray how your relationship was before you went off and how your communication is at the moment, and some other details in order to gain some more insights. At the moment, it is a little unclear why your wife might be acting in this way.

Haha yeah thats not me. Thats the "Fuck her right in the pussy!!!!" guy. A personal hero of mine. lmao

We had been close friends for around 2 years, then after dating for about a year we decided it was time, and that it was obvious that we were meant for each other spiritually and emotionally. As far as the sex went it was good I guess, usually we would have sex about 3 times a week even though I obviously would like it twice a day.lol. And she was babysitting at night for a friend so that got in the way quite a few times right before I left. She only initiated twice. When we first started having sex she couldn`t get off because she was on xnanax, then she stopped it and after that got off literally 9/10 times from what she says. She still doesn`t take anything besides her birth control. And no, the pics are very limited. All Ive gotten from her was 2 pics that showed her nude boobs, and I was really insistent on seeing her ass one night and after about 30 minutes of begging, she finally took a couple in her panties. But she sends normal pictures all the time, like of her face, and occasionally of her in bra and panties before she goes out with a friend and she feels all pretty. But yeah, no normal amount of pics, zero dirty talk or sexting, and definitely no skype sex.

[Looking4more Retired Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Looking4more]

Could be anything brother. Religious beliefs, low self esteem, strict upbringing, or something else.
Has she had her hormones checked?

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

Could be anything brother. Religious beliefs, low self esteem, strict upbringing, or something else.
Has she had her hormones checked?

Well she is a nurse and could get it checked easily, but I dont want to bring it up and have her upset for thinking that im unhappy. I am unbelievably happy in every other aspect except her lack of interest shown in me. And she does have some self esteem problems, but that doesnt mean she couldnt at least dirty talk or something. I am just looking for a reason to why she acts like this.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

We are constantly told that our digital lives are not secure. Maybe she is absolutely not an exhibitionist. Talking, sexting, and pictures through Skype etc may scare her. Plus she may worry that someone will hear or see her where ever you are. Very likely it is not because she doesn't want you more likely she just really wants you in person.

[theonering Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close theonering]

This is easy for me to say because I will never meet you personally, so I'll take the opportunity to say "grow up" and accept that she isn't the type of person who will do those things. Maybe you wont like me saying that, but I'm being honest, truthfully.

I would also like to offer some advice because I know exactly what you're saying. I'm in a distance relationship and asked her to send pics and dirty talk, etc. What I found is that if you're quiet about it and stop the nagging, she would do things in her own time. Also, maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable sending you fully nude pictures, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Looking4more Retired Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Looking4more]

I want to give you some advice and this is coming from a man who has been married for 24 wonderful years. You must do two things to make a marriage work. Communicate and make sure she knows you love her unconditionally. This is obviously concerning you and it will do more damage to you and your marriage in the long run if you don't discuss it with her. She needs to know exactly how you feel if she is expected to do anything to make it better. She is just like you, she isn't a mind reader. Don't play the blame game and be sure to explain exactly how it makes you feel. She may actually want to discuss it with you and doesn't know how to bring it up especially if she has self esteem issues.

Do your marriage a favor and talk it out right away. It won't be fixed overnight but it will be a start in the right direction. Then 20 years down the road you will look at her while having great sex and say I am so glad I listened to that idiot at the PEGym, LOL!

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

We are constantly told that our digital lives are not secure. Maybe she is absolutely not an exhibitionist. Talking, sexting, and pictures through Skype etc may scare her. Plus she may worry that someone will hear or see her where ever you are. Very likely it is not because she doesn't want you more likely she just really wants you in person.

She knows I would never show anyone anything even remotely close to something like that. And even on skype, just talking about it will never happen it seems.

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

I want to give you some advice and this is coming from a man who has been married for 24 wonderful years. You must do two things to make a marriage work. Communicate and make sure she knows you love her unconditionally. This is obviously concerning you and it will do more damage to you and your marriage in the long run if you don't discuss it with her. She needs to know exactly how you feel if she is expected to do anything to make it better. She is just like you, she isn't a mind reader. Don't play the blame game and be sure to explain exactly how it makes you feel. She may actually want to discuss it with you and doesn't know how to bring it up especially if she has self esteem issues.

Do your marriage a favor and talk it out right away. It won't be fixed overnight but it will be a start in the right direction. Then 20 years down the road you will look at her while having great sex and say I am so glad I listened to that idiot at the PEGym, LOL!

Well I can always talk to her about stuff like that. But I kinda can`t with this. Or else she would just be pretending in order to keep me happy, and god knows how long that would last. I dont want to find out 20 years down the road that she just did it to make me happy so we could make a family together, just to find out that she has no sex drive, or for some reason shes not very sexually attracted to me. That would end the marriage if I know that I cant please her, or shes not attracted to me on a personal level like that. Thats like the basics of a healthy marriage. Love and want the person first, and then kids and a family will come out of it.

[burtybasset Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close burtybasset]

What Looking4more said, I was about to suggest communicating your feelings to her, but don't do this with a world of web between you! I think a sit down and a heart to heart would work best, she is after all the one in the world you should be able to share anything with and you have managed to share these feelings with us!

Make her feel special and cared for out of the bedroom and you will see things improving in it!

[jman4490 Member Find all posts View Profile Close jman4490]

What Looking4more said, I was about to suggest communicating your feelings to her, but don't do this with a world of web between you! I think a sit down and a heart to heart would work best, she is after all the one in the world you should be able to share anything with and you have managed to share these feelings with us!

Make her feel special and cared for out of the bedroom and you will see things improving in it!

That`s another thing. Her, her friends, and family can all see and say all the time about how amazingly I treat her. I am constantly trying to be romantic and doing things with her. I listen to her and support her in anything she does. We very rarely fight and even when we do its only for a day, 2 days max. If im doing everything right, and give her the best sex shes ever had, why wont she show any sexual interest in me? I dont understand and its driving me insane. Im literally giving her everything Ive got, and it seems like no matter what I do to make her happy within our marriage, it doesnt relate to any increased sexual interest.

[Looking4more Retired Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2013PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Looking4more]

Well I can always talk to her about stuff like that. But I kinda can`t with this. Or else she would just be pretending in order to keep me happy, and god knows how long that would last. I dont want to find out 20 years down the road that she just did it to make me happy so we could make a family together, just to find out that she has no sex drive, or for some reason shes not very sexually attracted to me. That would end the marriage if I know that I cant please her, or shes not attracted to me on a personal level like that. Thats like the basics of a healthy marriage. Love and want the person first, and then kids and a family will come out of it.

You need to talk to your wife about everything, especially things like this. And part of the discussion is making her aware that you don't want her to pretend and want to find the source of the problem. You both need to be 100% honest in your discussion or you are already adding to the weight that will drag your marriage down.

I agree, attraction is important to a marriage. Obviously she is attracted to you or else she wouldn't have married you. You also had more sex early on so something new has happened. I would venture to say it is something in her mind possibly resulting from her insecurities. It could be something as simple as a comment you made and she took it the wrong way. It could also be a hormone imbalance. I've been through that one before. If that's the case, she may even have a hard time explaining it. That's where the professionals come in.

Please don't avoid asking about this. It will only fester inside you until it causes you to bring problems into the marriage. Always talk about everything no matter how great or small. Think about it, do you want to act like nothing is wrong for 20 years just to find out it was some stupid misunderstanding? And will you be happy during that whole time with very little sex? Like I said before, communication is key to a great marriage. That's complete communication, not selective communication.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

Just my own personal feedback - the first thing I noticed was that you mentioned she's a) on the thicker side and b) on birth control. Might be kind of a weird question to ask her but, how is her period?
Several years ago I noticed that my libido was definitely declining, which was worrisome for me because mine has always been outrageously high. My menstrual cycle was also changing even though I was on the pill - my periods were becoming shorter and shorter and much lighter. I went to see 2 OBGYNs who both said the same thing - because I had been on the pill for quite a while and had some extra padding on me the hormones from the pill were basically being stored in the body fat. One of the side effects of the pill can also be decreased sex drive, so..... if she's already got that as a side effect, and if the hormones are building up and getting stored, then that's going to mean an even bigger decrease in drive.

I made a choice to go off the pill. I'd been thinking about it anyway and decided that I'd already been on it for a long period of time for a voluntary medication. And after a few months my sex drive shot back up through the roof. Oddly it not only hasn't decreased since then but it's actually increased.