thinking about cheating

[masturjedimike Member Find all posts View Profile Close masturjedimike]

Now that I've earned your ire, I want to tell you why.

My wife's a cold fish. She's got some sort of depressive disorder that she flat out refuses to be treated for. I wouldn't have pegged her for a scientologist or something. When she feels stress from work, she won't want to engage in coupling as married couples do. In order for her to experience any kind of amorous feelings, she needs a couple glasses of wine. Just goes to show that you don't need to drink to excess to have a drinking problem.

When she does get a little randy, I try to protest in my own little way by not wanting to. Protesting that she needs to get liquored up to want to be with me and for refusing all of my advances for months.

And when I eventually and inevitably cave to her advances, it's always the same old, same old. She gets turned on fast and within 5 minutes, she's ready to go. I know it's weird that the guy would want more foreplay time but I could use an hour.

She doesn't even like it when I admire her form by looking and smiling or raising my eyebrows or something. I'll mention engaging in a sex act and she'll roll her eyes. Sometimes, even, when I go to cuddle or spoon her in bed, she'll sometimes say, "ugh, I'm not in the mood". Friggin' cold fish is what she is.

Now, do I love her? Yes. Am I prepared and ready and willing to cheat on her? You betcha.

Back about 17 years ago, I was married to my first wife and due to her mental illness, she kept having to go into the psych ward every so many months for about a week or so. Upon being released, she'd invariably have me leave and to live elsewhere. Having come from foster care when I was a kid, going from foster home to foster home, I couldn't take being kicked out so I told myself, "next time she pulls that on me, I'll go down to the court house and file for divorce." She did and I immediately marched my butt down to the court house and had her served in the hospital. Point being that I'm glad for Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs; a safe place to live being towards the top and love and acceptance being more towards the middle. That's why I'm not leaving my wife and it's why I left my first wife. Sex isn't that important to me to want to divorce her. I can already hear you complaining that if I get caught or she finds out about it, that's what's gonna happen, she's going to divorce me. I don't think that'll happen even if she did find out.

thanks for reading.

[Trotsky slaying thedragon Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Trotsky slaying thedragon]

You need to push her around a little bit. Every time she complains about something let her whine without responding. Start teling her things to do without asking about how she feels about it.

You need to get some "game." Men with "game" have sex while men without "game" do not.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

I don't have the answer for you OP. I have super struggles in my marriage, and I don't know if I will stay. I do know that my wife and I have sex almost daily, and I have no game. I am a tender man, and I like being that way. There is the possibility of getting your needs met without pushing her around, or using game.

[masturjedimike Member Find all posts View Profile Close masturjedimike]

Yeah, I'm not going to demand sex or anything.

[popol5169 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close popol5169]

I have no experience which could help, but here is a bit of my common sense:
If she needs alcohol to release her sexual desires I would say something is blocking her . Perhaps you could both talk to someone. What happens on holidays? Do you ever leave town during week ends?

[masturjedimike Member Find all posts View Profile Close masturjedimike]

all of my suggestions go unanswered. She has excuses for everything.

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

From the Most Popular Women's Perspective Forum FAQs thread:

• [*=left]Causes of Low Libido in Women
  [*=left]Why She Won't Initiate Sex
  [*=left]Loss of Interest in Sex

From the Most Popular Relationship Forum FAQs thread:

• Sexless Marriage
• Hypothetical Question: Possible Remedies for a Sexless Marriage?
• What Sex Should Be

Cheating is not a solution, please do not cheat!

[plays alot Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close plays alot]

Cheating makes you the bad guy in this story. Your wife may be suppressing something like Popol suggested. If you love her, you need to try everything before giving up. If nothing works, you need to decide accept your marriage as is or to end it. Cheating is a hurtful thing and not the proper way to deal with problems in a marriage.

[daddy man Member Find all posts View Profile Close daddy man]

I was in a very similar situation not long ago and I was seriously considering cheating. I did not, and I am glad of it! It is unfortunate that your wife will not accept treatment, it helped us quite a bit. Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

You need to push her around a little bit. Every time she complains about something let her whine without responding. Start teling her things to do without asking about how she feels about it.

You need to get some "game." Men with "game" have sex while men without "game" do not.

For heaven's sake don't do this. This isn't "game", this is getting dangerously close to emotional abuse. Men who have to resort to tactics like this are just bullies, plain and simple.

ETA: Engaging in behaviour like that is not the act of a loving and supportive partner (of either gender). If you want to show your wife that you really don't care about her and want a divorce then it's a great tactic, otherwise... no. Especially when you're dealing with someone who is emotionally unstable.

[masturjedimike Member Find all posts View Profile Close masturjedimike]

I'd sure like to hear from a woman who was at some point depressed and was reluctant to take antidepressants.

Or a woman whose libido has been killed by depo.

I don't know what her goddamn issue is. When I try talking with her (a thousand times if I've done it once) she avoids the topic or will talk about it briefly and start getting all misty-eyed. The doc thinks her libido problem is in her head, she can't take one, ONE antidepressant because she has a history of a seizure disorder. Her insurance doesn't cover OBGYN stuff other than basic check-ups for pap spears and whatnot.

I don't know what happened. She used to be into sex like every night back when we were newly together. She used to let me take pictures. Now, I'm lucky to get some tail every 5 or so months.

She claims to be stressed when she gets home from work. I mean, for fuck's sake woman! You don;'t do any heavy lifting, you pass out medications and have to take your clients grocery shopping and occasionally out for coffee! She comes home, sits on her ass and buries her face into her goddamn smartphone to play some candy crush or some shit for hours.

I'd separate from her if it didn't mean throwing her life into chaos. I leave, she loses my income, she has to quit her job or go part time.

FML, seriously. FML.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

Masturjedimike: I can completely understand your dilemma and frustration. I'll give you my 2cents on the matter, for what it's worth:

Growing up I was of the opinion that cheating in a marriage was one of the worst things you could do. If you love one another then there's no way you could even want to be intimate with another person, right? Well I've got a slightly different opinion now.

I still think that cheating is a sign that there's something wrong or missing in a marriage. But not every instance of cheating is the deplorable act that I thought it was when I was a kid. When needs constantly go unmet it can take a toll on a person and start affecting them in very negative ways, for some more strongly than others. And when a marriage is just plain bad but there isn't the possibility of divorce at the moment for one reason or another (financial, emotional, whatever) then sometimes cheating is a way to try and maintain some kind of sanity and keep from completely breaking down. And in some cases cheating serves as the wake up call, when the person who thought cheating would be a solution discovers that they can't do it and refocuses that energy back into their marriage instead.

My point is that it's a very individual decision, and I don't know that there's one answer that's right. My best friend was in a bad and abusive marriage, she felt that she was worthless as a person and even more so as a woman. If she had cheated on her husband instead of trying to commit suicide then it might have shown her that there were other methods of escape available, that someone valued her and wanted her, and might have given her confidence in herself again.
(She's fine now btw, if you call being tossed into a treatment program that brainwashed her into being someone that quotes scripture 24/7 as being "fine")

I just think that there's a difference between cheating because hey I'm in a great marriage but there's a real hottie at work that I can't keep my eyes off of and I really want a piece of that, and cheating because you feel like the stress of your situation is eating you alive and you barely recognize yourself anymore so you're trying to hold on to some scrap of yourself before there's nothing left to hold on to.

[masturjedimike Member Find all posts View Profile Close masturjedimike]

here's what I wrote my wife, I hope you don't mind if I share.
I don't know how to get someone to do something I feel they need to do other than setting an ultimatum. I don't want to do that so I'm just going to ask you to make an appointment with Dr. (Blank) for a non-homeopathic treatment for your apparent depression and/or ADHD. I love you and want to see you do well and be happy. I think treatment will help you be happier and more energetic in situations you currently find stressful such as work and whatever could be bothering you at home.

[elijohnson Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close elijohnson]

You say she's stressed coming home but her job isn't stressful, you ever think maybe it's home that's stressful? You're all about putting all these problems on her but haven't mentioned anything you might be doing wrong. My guess is a ton of things, because I'm guessing you're a human being and fucking things up is what we do.

My advice would be to start taking some of this on yourself, rather than telling her to sort her shit out suggest couple's therapy. Hack it together and she'll be less likely to feel overwhelmed by the pressure and you might be able to better tackle some of your own issues.

As far as cheating goes, treat others how you want to be treated is a pretty fantastic rule of thumb in this situation. Ask yourself how you'd feel if she had an affair. If it wouldn't bother you then what you're after is an open marriage, which works best when both people know they're in one.

[HealthyMeat Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HealthyMeat]

Next time you write her, change all the "you" and "I" this and that, to "we" and "us". Might shed some light