Tweet
Note: not sure this is the right forum - but seemed closer than the others - moderators move as appropriate.
Well, that was awful. Just awful.
I debated whether I should post about this or not - but if I don't, this will all just be rattling around in my head for days, so I have to get it out for my own mental well-being. And, who knows, maybe someone here can help.
Last night, my wife and I had the worst sex of our lives. Some context: we had a baby not quite 3 months ago, so it had been a long time since we'd had intercourse - I'm guessing 6-8 months or so. Late pregnancy sex weirds us out (though 2nd trimester sex was pretty great...), and my wife was definitely not physically in a place for sex after the C-section for quite a while, not to mention that taking care of a newborn is exhausting for everyone. It was at least a good month and a half after the baby was born before my wife and I were in the bed at the same time. To be clear: none of this is complaining, just context.
A couple weeks ago, though, we decide we can have some fun and, as we enjoy doing, we gave each other handjobs. Most of the time, this is our favorite sexual activity - we certainly do this more than intercourse by a large margin. And it was certainly enjoyable for both of us. Last week, my wife had some bleeding - not sure what it was - might still be recovering from the C-section. Might be her period trying to reassert itself. So, we were off for a week. Last night, everything had cleared up, so we hopped in bed.
Foreplay went well - my wife was actually way into it, so the pace went a bit faster than usual. I manually stimulated her to orgasm - also, weirdly fast compared to usual. I then handed my wife a condom - which surprised her a bit, since it's a bit out of the ordinary. But, I wanted to give it a shot. (Confession: I was inspired by some of the recent success stories on this site.) So she put it on me. Penetration was a bit awkward - we're out of practice, we guessed. Anyway, I started trying the Tao short/long thrusts. My wife informed me that the long thrusts didn't feel good - so I just focused on short ones. Eventually I slipped out, and we couldn't get me back in - I had lost the erection. My wife declared she'd finish me off manually, and she did. It felt good, but I felt like a big ole failure.
I just kept thinking that maybe the condom was the problem. It had been a long time since I'd used one - one doesn’t use one when trying to get pregnant or when already pregnant - so I had forgotten how much it hurts sensitivity. Like, I felt nothing. Zip. So, I googled. First article to come up: one from Psychology Today about new research which proves that condoms don't affect sensitivity! The research showed that men who suggested they did were typically inexperienced and lacked confidence. Skilled sexperts felt no decrease in pleasure from condom use. In short: people who are bad at sex blame condoms. People who are good at it have no need to. Now l feel worse.
My wife has been great, though. She thinks it's just that (1) she was overstimulated from the first orgasm, so nothing felt good after that for her. And (2) her body still hasn't recovered from the C-section entirely. I have doubts about #2 - not that it's not true, more that I don't think it was the problem - though #1 may be true - though it makes multiple orgasm a mystery if that's the normal physiological response…
So, I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And there could be a lot…
1 Overmasturbation - I masturbate 1 or 2 times a day, most days. I'm trying to decrease this a bit, as I can't help but wonder if I'm training myself to respond to my hand rather than to my wife.
2 Porn - I'm not a heavy user here - weirdly, perhaps, I basically only watch male masturbation videos, despite being straight. I'll spare you my self-reflections on this. Anyway, a few times a week, typically. Also, trying to cut back here.
3 Simple lack/loss of practice in intercourse - especially given our preference for handjobs, we just don't have much intercourse if we're not trying for a baby. I fear we've trained ourselves for the easier, but not necessarily better, path in the long run.
4 I recently started a kegel routine. Not super intense, and only a few days a week. No idea if this would matter, but it is a recent change.
5 Similarly, I just started start-and-stop training. Again, not sure why this would matter, but another recent change.
I also checked the condom box this morning. They expired in October 2015… just a little before we started trying for baby #3. So that condom was pretty old and might have lost some flexibility - which might explain why it felt a bit tight. Still, I feel like blaming the condom is a cheat.
Anyway, I went to bed on the verge of tears last night, I was so disappointed in myself, despite my wife’s reassurances. Woke up the same way. Felt a bit better after my morning workout. Still, I just have a general “bummed out” feeling right now.
Advice is welcome. I'm debating if I need to give myself some time to get over it, or if, like with bicycles, I need to hop right back on and try again soon.
Well, that was awful. Just awful.
I debated whether I should post about this or not - but if I don't, this will all just be rattling around in my head for days, so I have to get it out for my own mental well-being. And, who knows, maybe someone here can help.
Last night, my wife and I had the worst sex of our lives. Some context: we had a baby not quite 3 months ago, so it had been a long time since we'd had intercourse - I'm guessing 6-8 months or so. Late pregnancy sex weirds us out (though 2nd trimester sex was pretty great...), and my wife was definitely not physically in a place for sex after the C-section for quite a while, not to mention that taking care of a newborn is exhausting for everyone. It was at least a good month and a half after the baby was born before my wife and I were in the bed at the same time. To be clear: none of this is complaining, just context.
A couple weeks ago, though, we decide we can have some fun and, as we enjoy doing, we gave each other handjobs. Most of the time, this is our favorite sexual activity - we certainly do this more than intercourse by a large margin. And it was certainly enjoyable for both of us. Last week, my wife had some bleeding - not sure what it was - might still be recovering from the C-section. Might be her period trying to reassert itself. So, we were off for a week. Last night, everything had cleared up, so we hopped in bed.
Foreplay went well - my wife was actually way into it, so the pace went a bit faster than usual. I manually stimulated her to orgasm - also, weirdly fast compared to usual. I then handed my wife a condom - which surprised her a bit, since it's a bit out of the ordinary. But, I wanted to give it a shot. (Confession: I was inspired by some of the recent success stories on this site.) So she put it on me. Penetration was a bit awkward - we're out of practice, we guessed. Anyway, I started trying the Tao short/long thrusts. My wife informed me that the long thrusts didn't feel good - so I just focused on short ones. Eventually I slipped out, and we couldn't get me back in - I had lost the erection. My wife declared she'd finish me off manually, and she did. It felt good, but I felt like a big ole failure.
I just kept thinking that maybe the condom was the problem. It had been a long time since I'd used one - one doesn’t use one when trying to get pregnant or when already pregnant - so I had forgotten how much it hurts sensitivity. Like, I felt nothing. Zip. So, I googled. First article to come up: one from Psychology Today about new research which proves that condoms don't affect sensitivity! The research showed that men who suggested they did were typically inexperienced and lacked confidence. Skilled sexperts felt no decrease in pleasure from condom use. In short: people who are bad at sex blame condoms. People who are good at it have no need to. Now l feel worse.
My wife has been great, though. She thinks it's just that (1) she was overstimulated from the first orgasm, so nothing felt good after that for her. And (2) her body still hasn't recovered from the C-section entirely. I have doubts about #2 - not that it's not true, more that I don't think it was the problem - though #1 may be true - though it makes multiple orgasm a mystery if that's the normal physiological response…
So, I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. And there could be a lot…
1 Overmasturbation - I masturbate 1 or 2 times a day, most days. I'm trying to decrease this a bit, as I can't help but wonder if I'm training myself to respond to my hand rather than to my wife.
2 Porn - I'm not a heavy user here - weirdly, perhaps, I basically only watch male masturbation videos, despite being straight. I'll spare you my self-reflections on this. Anyway, a few times a week, typically. Also, trying to cut back here.
3 Simple lack/loss of practice in intercourse - especially given our preference for handjobs, we just don't have much intercourse if we're not trying for a baby. I fear we've trained ourselves for the easier, but not necessarily better, path in the long run.
4 I recently started a kegel routine. Not super intense, and only a few days a week. No idea if this would matter, but it is a recent change.
5 Similarly, I just started start-and-stop training. Again, not sure why this would matter, but another recent change.
I also checked the condom box this morning. They expired in October 2015… just a little before we started trying for baby #3. So that condom was pretty old and might have lost some flexibility - which might explain why it felt a bit tight. Still, I feel like blaming the condom is a cheat.
Anyway, I went to bed on the verge of tears last night, I was so disappointed in myself, despite my wife’s reassurances. Woke up the same way. Felt a bit better after my morning workout. Still, I just have a general “bummed out” feeling right now.
Advice is welcome. I'm debating if I need to give myself some time to get over it, or if, like with bicycles, I need to hop right back on and try again soon.
Admin of the Month Dec 2014
Comment