Missing in Action Father

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

You may feel that way now, but give it a year or two. Mr Right could be right around the corner.

[Tamora Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Aug 2015 PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Tamora]

Buy a Ferrari!

[Cavalier Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Feb 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Cavalier]

I'm very sorry to hear of this Tara. What he did was just wrong. Walking out and leaving it on your shoulders to tell your son is a cowards way out. If it were me I would contact him and tell him if he wants to leave that's fine but be a man and take the responsibility of explaining it to your son.

[master-gauge Senior Member Member of the Month May 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close master-gauge]

Yes very sorry to heard this^^.. Exactly what Cav said.. If u need to chat we are here..

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

Thanks guys but it's been a long time coming.

I've tried to end things a good few times. We weren't right for each other.

I think I panicked last for Lennon's sake but kids are resilient. And I'll make sure it's as amicable as possible.

[the_iron Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the_iron]

Tara Sorry. We all feel your pain. In this, it seems there is no easy way out. It will hurt but after a while the heart will heal. Sorry again.

[Wolf71 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Wolf71]

Tara, I'm so sorry to hear that. Sadly, I know all too well how this goes. I was married for 11 years and one day, my ex wife came home, said WE'RE leaving and took my two girls from the home and moved in with her parents, placing my 11 and 7 year old in a new school two days later. Was all planned.

She filed for divorce (on my youngest's birthday no less - guess daddy being gone was a present?), proceeded to deliberately stall and cost me over 20k in lawyer fees eventually, all the while making well into the six figures and paying almost nothing at home.

I was forced to sell the family home myself, paying ALL the utilities for 7 months while she became more and more skilled at alienating my children from me. I was told by my little ones that they hate me, my apartment and constantly cancel visitation days. I've just taken on a second job, overnight so I can pay my rent. I will sleep 3-4 hours a day for the foreseeable future. My reward for doing all the shopping, cooking, making lunches (hers too), being her personal trainer and doing the kids homework and spending time with them until she sauntered in the door in the evening from her job.

I'm told how stupid I am for living beyond my means, that the children don't need a bedroom in my apartment, that they can sleep on a pullout couch. That I'm doing this to myself. 3 attorneys and 2 atty/mediators, her atty included referred to her as an 'entitled brat' - telling them all that she 'just wasn't into paying alimony' so I could take care of the children too. I was suffering from severe anxiety, feeling like someone was sitting on my chest and couldn't sleep, eat or anything. I had contemplated ending my life to make the hurt stop. When thinking about the hurt that would cause my children, I saw much more clearly. She is and will always be a monster.

I'm sorry you're going through this if you ever want to talk, don't hesitate to reach out. Your children are your priority, you have them with you, thankfully, not in the hands of a person who's goals are to see you homeless without your children even acknowledging you exist half of the time.

Please focus on them and if love is to come into your life again, it will. Show them all of the love you can. They will be ok and so will you.

Stay well and take care,
Wolf

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

Wolf I'm so sorry to hear. She is a disgrace of a human being to treat someone that way, never mind the father of her children.

When your children become adults they will see her for what she is. Keep your head held high in the meantime and don't ever lower yourself to her standards.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Well my ex-husband has just packed up his stuff and left an hour ago.

I'm 4 hours away from morning and don't know what to say to my eldest son.

Am I honest and tell him Mummy and Daddy won't be living together anymore or do I pretend his Daddy is working away for a long time and hope he just gets use to the new set up in time?

I don't normally lie to my son but he's only 4 and I want to save him as much headache as possible.

I feel ill to the bottom of my stomach.

Don't lie to your son, he will he upset at first but he will be OK. More importantly he will grow up in a better environment of trust without both parents fighting or one size slandering the other. Just make sure you explain that he didn't do anything to cause this and there is nothing he can do to reverse it, because the mind of a four year old will think like this and forget a lot.

What you absolutely do not want to do is talk negatively about his father around him, or give him the impression that he should side with you against his father, because this messes up children really bad. I know adults who hate father's they can't even remember based on the one-sided stories they have heard over and over as children. I experienced this myself.... 21 years later I found out Mom happened to be right, but I never should heard those stories until I was ready.

Other than that, I don't know if his father is going to be in the picture or not but he is going to need surrogate father figures to teach him life lessons. You can't raise a boy into a man as a woman, just like how a man can't raise a girl into a woman, there has to be same sex role models to teach them along the way. A boyfriend, male babysitter, or male friend you trust would work... Just having them spend time together. There's also options like the boy scouts, martial arts, any sports groups, or extra male dominated curricular classes can teach him discipline and give him a sense of belonging as well as giving him a way of controlling his aggression.

[proactive Senior MemberMember of the Month ? 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close proactive]

So sorry to hear this Tara, hang in there and find the support you think you may need. ...before you need it.

Proactive

[incogneeetoe Moderator Member of the Month Sept 2017*Special Appreciated Moderator Nov. 2021* PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close incogneeetoe]

I think I'm done with men. Two failed marriages.

I can honestly say I have the worse choice in men lol. There's always I debt and crap with money and organising their lives. There's always moody and hate me being outgoing and forward.

I think I'll do what my mam did. She swore off men from the age of 47 and stuck to until the day she died. She always told me they were more trouble than they are worth lol

I've got my two little lads to focus on.

That would be a big loss for the single men around you.
Met my wife after her failed marriage. I'd like to think it was a good thing for her. She sure seems happier now.

[GreenDevil Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close GreenDevil]

If you have brothers or male relatives,get them involved
or a godfather time for them to step up a few times a month.

[TheZZWoman Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZWoman]

I don't know much about how estranged you and your ex are, but I am a little perplexed as to why this is all on you. It would probably be best if both you and your ex talked to your son together so he can ask his questions and see that you are both there for him. I do think honesty is best. Maybe consider compromising about visitation based on your sons needs - I couldn't imagine every other day, I wouln't know what to call home. Maybe there is some other arrangement that can be made where you both still get equal visitation but in consecutive days as opposed to switching every day. Can you and your ex just have a conversation about the kids with none of your couples issues, for the sake of the kids? Splitting up is extremely difficult, especially when kids are involved. I am so sorry to hear you are going through so much turmoil in your life.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

My ex has been a bit of a coward dealing with all this. I've had to talk to our son and his parents and brothers.

But I think we will be ok co-parenting. And I'll never slag him off to his boys. Doesn't matter what happens, he's their dad and I want him in their lives.

I know it will get easier as time goes on. It will become the norm with the boys and we'll stop fighting as we won't be in each other's lives other than for the boys.

[NOWHARD Banned Find all posts View Profile Close NOWHARD]

Hi Tara well the big day come as you said sometime ago, if he is not coming back for your own good why not just stretch the point for now till Lennon is a bit older and say he's go off to work away from home and your not sure when he will be back, which is OK till you both bump into him was going to say Woolies, silly me, or Tesco's unless he has moved away from the area, I just think perhaps a little story telling for now will be better that perhaps some sleepless nights, tears at bedtime.

You pick a time in the future when you think its best he should know, 2 years 4 years or 6 years, but if he's not around perhaps he will perhaps put 2x2 together, kids are not as stupid as we think.

Your choice Tara

Sorry for the shit in your life.

NOWHARD

Tara, lighter side of life, my wife has me watching Vera, Its OK but its dragged out to much for me.