Tweet
PDNDL
The Art of Health
The Art of Health
1. Past
1.1 - Welcome
Welcome everyone! I'm PDNDL (pronounced 'pudendal')
Named as such after the pudendal nerve in my body which has sent me on a far-reaching and intensely trying journey to improving a few aspects of my physical (and mental) health.1.2 The Road Here
This is a pretty turbulent story. For fun stuff, skip to Section 2!
Around June or so last year, I was having a chill night with my girlfriend at the time, having just had sex for an hour or so. The past few days I'd been increasingly concerned, as my penis seemed to be going numb in a few spots. I couldn't tell if I was just imagining it, but I could swear part of the top of my head had significantly less feeling than the rest, a phenomena which seemed to be spreading. So naturally, I was kinda shitting myself, but I was feeling pretty relaxed that particular evening.
After our session, we were both lying down while she twiddled my flaccid penis around in her hands. Then she did something. The covers were over us, so I can't tell to this day what sort of twisted nonsense she subjected my penis to, but I notice her pull a little, and suddenly I know something serious has just happened. I don't feel pain, or a twinge, or any sensory alert, but I know I've just lost all sensation to my penis, and it's not coming back any time soon. Sure enough, I put my hand down, feel around...
I may as well be playing with a vegan sausage.
We end up making out, but my sex drive is zero. I don't mean zero where you're sad or something so you don't feel like sex, I mean zero as in there was just no associating the female body with pleasure. Holding her butt felt like squeezing my own or something.
We ended up having sex through creatively finding a way to give me an erection, and I was feeling pretty chill, ironically. I felt like the pleasure of sex meant less to me than the psychological aspect of it, and sex was fun enough even if you couldn't really feel it.
Then everything got 10 times worse.
Her ex, who turned out to be a millionaire, entered the picture, and she left me and my broken penis for him. She was moving back to China after graduating anyway, so it was pretty understandable. I moved back to my small-town of 50,000 with no job and no money, having spent it all on her, because I'm a financially responsible person. I visited 3 hospitals on what little I had left, at which all the doctors awkwardly avoided eye contact and said 'oh, lol, hope it gets better' and sent me away. Winter gradually arrived, so I got less and less sunshine, and my hobbies like parkour and exercising were unavailable due to knee issues and no gym money. I had a job, which lasted 3 weeks before they fired me (ironically, I really enjoyed working there. Though I feel a few of the staff possibly didn't like me very much).
My penis numbness recovered to 50-ish% after a month, but the hard flaccid remained. I began a routine of yoga, and continually experimented with new stretches and techniques over a period of 5 months. Symptoms would relax for a moment during and after stretching, but over the period of months, nothing overall improved. Eventually, the more I stretched, the more I became frustrated at the lack of change. My scrotum and anus were also totally numb, and didn't really recover over the period of months. Coupled with my isolation, lack of money for leisure, I ended up not leaving the house much at all. I had been free of porn for over a year, but the desire to fill the void with it grew every day. I discovered I had hallux limitus, which is arthritis in the big toe, which had caused a number of muscular imbalances. But that wasn't all! I also appeared to have one leg shorter than the other. This had caused even more muscular imbalances. My left palm one day became notably less sensitive than my right palm. I discovered I had a trapped nerve in my shoulder, but had no idea how to face it. It wasn't all bad. I did have a sexual partner at one stage! She gave me chlamydia. I had a ton of overdue bills, on the order of £400, on top of which the government fined me nearly half a grand for filing the tax returns of my app 'company' late. Darkness, loneliness, poverty, and a shitty penis. I genuinely had a mental breakdown for a couple days during that period.
It was single-handedly the most intensely trying, soul-wrenching period of my life. I'm sort of surprised I'm still alive to be honest, it was really bad.
Fortunately, I then rediscovered this lil wikipedia page I'd once read. It was on the Five Hindrances of Buddhism, and spoke about how different areas of the mind's activity cause you suffering.
Things then started to look up.
Ironically the 'uphill' isn't as interesting to document, it's mainly stuff in my head which, I hope, changed in perspective. But during that period of 2-3 weeks, I aimed to improve my perspective on things. Short of the debt, which was fortunately sorted with the help of my parents, I found that all the other problems were effectively in my head, caused my exaggeration and attachment and fancy stuff like that. I started feeling a bit better. I tried to read more, meditate more, understand more of the stuff going on in the mind. I realised I had sort of been here before, when I had had all the things I felt I missed, and had been blaming something else for my mood instead. I figured it may just me my thinking which is causing the suffering, not a couple irritating life conditions. I had a lot going for me! Hard flaccid and sensitivity improving'll take time, but life ain't so bad.
After a few weeks passed, I started parkour again, after realising there wasn't much actually stopping me. I started trying to think more rationally. I'd feel the pelvic floor with my fingers during the day, and feel the correlation between how tight it felt, and my hard flaccid symptoms, and how it would relax, along with my penis, when I'd do belly breath combos. I kept up the consistent research on the body and it's systems, and found something in a hard flaccid recovery thread about sleeping on the back. I found that, after my months of stretching I thought had been useless, when I lied down on bed on my back, my hard flaccid symptoms now alleviated quite quickly. Moreover, while lying on my back, I could actually stretch my penis, and after releasing the stretch, have it not turtle up, or reduce in sensation. It seemed to in fact increase slightly in sensation? This still seems like magic to me. When I'd sleep on my back, my pelvic floor was much more soft to touch during the day, compared to its tense feel when I'd sleep on my side. I found that during some stretches, or while sitting on a tennis ball, when I'd release the stretch I would get the strangest sensation in my penis and suddenly found it hard to stand up straight. The pressure on my nerve, it seemed, had been released? Suddenly my penis felt this weird sort of pleasure whenever it would move in my pants. This party would last about 30 seconds before calming down and returning to 'normal'.
While I'm typing this, my penis and balls are both low hanging and soft to touch. Sleeping on my back seems to have been the main cause of this, coupled with months of stretching prior which perhaps improved the effect of back-sleeping. But I still assume I have hard flaccid. My flexibility's still shockingly poor, and I still have a number of muscular imbalances I need to solve. My penis and balls turtle up a fair bit, especially when I feel on edge about something, and my penis sensitivity's not at it's peak yet, alongside my scrotum and anus, which are still pretty lackluster.
It's possible things will get worse again in these specific areas, and if so, then that's simply the path fate takes. It's entirely possible this delving into PE is premature, and will have to be called off in a few days, weeks, or months. It's possible my knees will go to hell, and I'll have to stop parkour. It's possible I will somehow see less people, and will have to be more isolated again. But I feel more confident nowadays that, after this 5 month period of a hail of suffering being rained down on me, I have discovered, at the bottom of that pit when everything I loved was taken away from me, that the true cause of inner happiness is in the mind. Not in what happens outside. Suffering is in one's mind, and it's perspective on things. Insight is the way out.
Now that that entry's out of the way, the fun stuff!
2. Present
As I've discovered, stretching on my back, for however short that may last, is currently a safe bet. So I'm looking to stretch my penis while lying down in bed. Chances are, for you reading this, lying down is the safest position for you to do PE too, to ensure your pelvic floor is properly relaxed and doesn't cause any tricky situations. Standing may be okay for Bathmate and such, where the pressure is mainly 'sideways', but when stretching and jelqing, where the pressure is a 'pulling' on the pelvic floor muscles, lying down seems wise to me, based on my admittedly very limited experience.
My current measurements are:
BPEL: 6.6" / 168mm
MEG: 4.8" / 123mm
BPEL: 6.6" / 168mm
MEG: 4.8" / 123mm
I'll be stretching pretty much every evening in bed after reading. I've stretched for the past 2 or 3 days, and will continue to do so until complications arise which mean I have to take a break, or until I read a length I'm happy with. I expect, by that point, or prior, I may have relaxed my pelvic floor enough to begin jelqing. Right now it seems hit and miss whether it causes hard flaccid or not, and it doesn't seem worthwhile to go into jelqing if I can't apply the appropriate pressure, and can't jelq with a 'soft' penis.
I expect I may invest in a bathmate in the future also. The skin of my penis feels very tight, which makes it nigh-impossible to stretch my penis to the sides, and genuinely not possible to stretch it downwards, without causing myself some sort of skin stretching injury. Based on the reading I've done, the bathmate does stretch the skin somewhat as a result of it applying pressure to the penis from the outside, compared to applying it from the inside with jelqing. So should I begin using the bathmate at some stage (should I become more conditioned, be able to jelq, and be able to afford one; I'm still hopelessly poor), hopefully that will be able to increase the pliability of my skin somewhat, along with any other potential benefits with safe use.
3. Future
3.1 - For myself
As I'll be mainly stretching at first, my primary goal will be one of length. If I'm fortunate, and jelqing becomes a possibility in the future, I'll look more hopefully towards my girth goal too.
My goal measurements are:
BPEL: 7.5" / 191mm
MEG: 5.4" / 137mm
BPEL: 7.5" / 191mm
MEG: 5.4" / 137mm
My past goals were around 7.2"x5.2", but for some reason I feel like setting them at this level nowadays. Perhaps I have a better view of my ideal member? Who knows.
I'm not setting a time 'deadline' for this goal, as I feel this would be shooting myself in the foot. If I set this goal to be reached by the end of this year, if after 3 months I hadn't gained a quarter of the goal increase, I'd be demotivating myself the rest of the year. So instead, I'll look to stick to a consistent bedtime stretching routine, and let the goal be reached when it's reached, in one year, or two.
Flaccid wise, my flaccid when it's hanging healthy and soft is pretty damn ideal to me. And my balls are very ideal to me also. They swing around like wrecking balls, it feels awesome after 4 years of thinking turtled balls was normal. I was watching Shame the other day, and realised that Fassbender's floppy, which during my perpetual turtling days, seemed obscenely big to me, now looked, sorta, around my level? I expect his is certainly larger, of course, but his was my ideal, and now it doesn't look so outlandish to me as I continue to relax my pelvic floor. So yeah, flaccid wise, I'd say I'm pretty fulfilled. That being said, I always liked the idea of having a big floppeh down there, which I can fling about and slap things with and have a nice bouncy bulge in my pants, and be in a hurry to get into swimwear at pools and beaches, it seems so fun. I dunno what my flaccid goals are, my flaccid still varies too much between soft and hard flaccid to be able to say for sure when it measures at. But I'd probably say around 5" flaccid would be neat, with around 4.5"-5" girth. Right now I'm assuming my soft flaccid's somewhere in the mid-4s in terms of length? When hard flaccid, it's in the mid-high 3s or so.
It's entirely possible that tomorrow, in a few days, weeks or months, I'll say 'whoops, bad call, I'll take a break'. But for the time being, I'll look at doing penis stretching on my back, continuing my yoga, and sleeping on my back to relax my pelvic floor further to hopefully commence jelqing and bathmate use one day.
3.2 - For others
My goal in the future, regarding PE, is to hopefully be able to provide more sexual pleasure and fulfilment to any partners I may be fortunate enough to be with. From what I learnt about sex while reading and observing others during my month of total numbness, I found that, it seemed, love and romance happen almost exclusively in the mind, and the enjoyment of sex comes from primarily that, though of course I know quite little on these subjects. That being said, I felt as though I also learnt that pleasure of the partner taking part in sex is important for the enjoyment of one's self. If you were having sex with a girl, but she couldn't physically feel you inside her, and she just wasn't very into it, had this sort of placid, 'is it over yet' look on her face, chances are you wouldn't enjoy yourself very much. You may even stop midway to whine, understandably. But if the girl is squirming under you, with a look of ecstasy on her face and all that fancy stuff, chances are you'd be like 'yeh, I'm the man!' and be even more involved and turned on. The girl seeing or feeling you get more turned on, following the same rule, would then be herself more turned on in turn. In both situations, you feel physical pleasure in terms of your penis being stimulated, but it's the pleasure the other person experiences which truly makes you 'enjoy' the sex, no matter what you can 'feel'. Hence why when I told my last girlfriend I couldn't 'feel' the sex, she suddenly seemed to noticeably enjoy it less, as she worried I wasn't enjoying it. So I'd like to be able to more easily give pleasure to a girl I would be fortunate enough to be with, and hence promote that sweet cycle of mutual pleasure. If I learnt anything abut sex from my numb episode, it's that it's about both participants. If one person feels they can't please the other, the cycle of sex is broken. That's my theory anyway, I am pretty poorly learned on these areas!
3.3 - For you
For you, reading this post, I'd like to be able to hopefully offer an avenue of hope through my thread. If you're reading this, and are suffering from hard flaccid, numbness, or something pelvic-floor related, to offer hope that things will improve, with time, should my condition continue to improve over time enough to offer this ray of hope. I'd also like to document any continued changes in my pelvic floor, should they occur, and learn more about the chains of causes which lead to pelvic floor tension. Hence, as a member of the forum, I'd like to be able to offer advice to people in pelvic-floor related situations (which, it turns out, is a great stonking majority of people who post on the 'penile anamolies and injuries' forum) to help them begin their own journeys towards health. Mine is pitifully early in its steps, I have a long way to go. Chances are, now is not my time for PE, and I'll have to leave it until a later date. But should things go positively in this avenue of life, I look forward to sharing the journey, and by doing so, offer hope to those who need it, and inspiration to those who seek it.
If my time is not quite yet, I feel somewhat more confident now that I can look at life's perceived trials, understand my own perception of them, and from there find a bit more inner-happiness by not shooting myself in the foot and shouting 'it's game over man!'.
My pudendal nerve put me through some hell. Hopefully I can help some of you a bit as a result of that.
P.S. I type in comic sans because I love the fact that this site has it.
Comment