Time apart

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

Hello friends of the gym, I've got a question.

In my relationship we are at a bad point. She's frustrated and annoyed/irritated by every thing I do nowadays. (I am a little much though, constantly making jokes or being touchy)

We have been working on it with some slow success, but one of the things we've discussed lately is the fact that in the past year and a half we haven't been apart for more than a few days.

Is time apart extremely important?

I have been offered a couch to sleep on at a friends for a week if I need to. I think I'm going to do that in hopes of a healthier relationship.

When we spend time apart she's happier and more outgoing when we are back together.

Please let me know your opinions on space and time apart, thanks

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

Some say absence can make the heart grow fonder; however, it can also lead to "opportunity" to: (1) reflect on your circumstances (which can be either a positive or a negative outcome) or even (2) have a fling... so use your time wisely & carefully consider & contemplate your desired outcome. Maybe even discuss it with your mate before agreeing to the terms of "disengagement" just to be "safe".

[Party Senior Member Member of the Month August 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Party]

Hmm. Interesting. IDK. The Mrs and I have had a lot of forced apart time recently, and can't say it made much difference when we were back together. I know we are both lonely for each other's attention in the bedroom but nothing we can solve right now. I must say part of me does enjoy the alone time but on the other hand, IDK. She was with my daughter last night before her Appt. Today with her new radiation doc. I woke up last night and she wasn't there, I panicked not remembering she was in Louisville. Scary. Don't wanna feel that way ever again.

So so when you two are apart do you keep in touch?

[Stealthpeman Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Stealthpeman]

It doesn't sound healthy at all. We all need our space but you should be able to get it under the same roof.

This sort thing happens if you work and live together, because if you each have a job to goto then you should be able to handle the time you have together.

Take a page out of the greatdividers insights into how woman think he seems to have a good outlook on this sort of stuff.

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

Some say absence can make the heart grow fonder; however, it can also lead to "opportunity" to: (1) reflect on your circumstances (which can be either a positive or a negative outcome) or even (2) have a fling... so use your time wisely & carefully consider & contemplate your desired outcome. Maybe even discuss it with your mate before agreeing to the terms of "disengagement" just to be "safe".

We've both discussed this and thought maybe it'd help. The problem is my cramped apartment, sometimes if she's upset she'll go to the living room and hang out there for a while and feel more refreshed when she comes back to hang out with me.

Hmm. Interesting. IDK. The Mrs and I have had a lot of forced apart time recently, and can't say it made much difference when we were back together. I know we are both lonely for each other's attention in the bedroom but nothing we can solve right now. I must say part of me does enjoy the alone time but on the other hand, IDK. She was with my daughter last night before her Appt. Today with her new radiation doc. I woke up last night and she wasn't there, I panicked not remembering she was in Louisville. Scary. Don't wanna feel that way ever again.

So so when you two are apart do you keep in touch?

One thing I noticed is that if we had friends, things would be better.
When she and I are hanging out with a friend of hers or mine, she's in a happier more social mood.
We're so used to just having time together and nobody else.

It doesn't sound healthy at all. We all need our space but you should be able to get it under the same roof.

This sort thing happens if you work and live together, because if you each have a job to goto then you should be able to handle the time you have together.

Take a page out of the greatdividers insights into how woman think he seems to have a good outlook on this sort of stuff.

We'd be able to spend time apart in my house except my living room has tons of boxes of stuff in it with no place to really sit on or relax.

She works 10 hour days, so she has plenty of time away from me. But it's the time off work that she needs space.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

It doesn't sound healthy at all. We all need our space but you should be able to get it under the same roof.

This sort thing happens if you work and live together, because if you each have a job to goto then you should be able to handle the time you have together.

Take a page out of the greatdividers insights into how woman think he seems to have a good outlook on this sort of stuff.

Thank you, I was just about to reply.

I had big multiparagraph reply I was working on but my phone died. This time I will keep it short and sweet.

6in, you need to give her some space and stop pissing her off.... Making jokes at the wrong time and being too touchy feely, or rejecting her touch (hard to tell which one by your post) is not winning you any favors it's driving a wedge between you two. Knock that off and see if things don't get better.

You don't have to leave your house to give her space, in fact it's one of the worse ideas ever because you're on the cusp of a breakup and it sounds like she has a lot of unfulfilled needs. It would be very easy for some guy to seduce her right now, might as well make that person you. Instead of leaving for a week, I would do an in-house separation strategy so both of you give each other space but can still sleep in the same bed if she wants to.

With this strategy you are basically eliminating the stressor in the relationship (you) without endangering the relationship. You can still talk and be there for her but I would recommend saying very little for a days. You have a relationship talk coming but not just yet. When that day comes you better just agree with her, apologize, and remember or wrote down what she asks of you.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

We'd be able to spend time apart in my house except my living room has tons of boxes of stuff in it with no place to really sit on or relax.

Then you know what you have to do.... Get rid of your shit.

Read or listen to the audiobook "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo for instruction on how to separate with your junk and tidy up. That will give you something to do while she's at work.

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

Thank you, I was just about to reply.

I had big multiparagraph reply I was working on but my phone died. This time I will keep it short and sweet.

6in, you need to give her some space and stop pissing her off.... Making jokes at the wrong time and being too touchy feely, or rejecting her touch (hard to tell which one by your post) is not winning you any favors it's driving a wedge between you two. Knock that off and see if things don't get better.

You don't have to leave your house to give her space, in fact it's one of the worse ideas ever because you're on the cusp of a breakup and it sounds like she has a lot of unfulfilled needs. It would be very easy for some guy to seduce her right now, might as well make that person you. Instead of leaving for a week, I would do an in-house separation strategy so both of you give each other space but can still sleep in the same bed if she wants to.

With this strategy you are basically eliminating the stressor in the relationship (you) without endangering the relationship. You can still talk and be there for her but I would recommend saying very little for a days. You have a relationship talk coming but not just yet. When that day comes you better just agree with her, apologize, and remember or wrote down what she asks of you.

Yeah, lately I've just been saying less.
I have been really good with not touching her or making sexual advancements as well.

Last night she said to me "Sorry we haven't been having sex much", this is due to medical stuff too though, not just because we're in a rough spot.

I'm doing my best, the only issue is that she's asking for a LOT. Obviously you can't know the full extent of it without witnessing it, but at times it feels like she wants to modify me to be someone else, and that's just not fair.

I have really taken her requests into account though and I'm working on it everyday.

I have a mild hoarding disorder, but the main reason our living room is really messy is because they're renovating my apartments and I had to put all the things on my back porch into my living room.

She just started therapy which I think will help her a lot, she can be super happy and fun over FB messenger all day, but then the second she gets home she gets snappy and mean. She'll apologize and say "I have no idea why this happens, I will be in a good mood all day then suddenly I'm just over everything."

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Does she have a personality disorder?

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

Does she have a personality disorder?

This is what we have been discussing lately, she's pretty adamant about having BPD.
But when she saw her therapist, she said it's very unlikely and slapped a "depression" diagnosis on her.

Borderline Bipolar disorder also has a lot of the same symptoms as BPD.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

This is what we have been discussing lately, she's pretty adamant about having BPD.
But when she saw her therapist, she said it's very unlikely and slapped a "depression" diagnosis on her.

Borderline Bipolar disorder also has a lot of the same symptoms as BPD.

If it's bipolar disorder you'll be OK so long as she takes her medicine and gets enough sleep

Borderline personality disorder on the other hand, you need to do understand fully and do a lot of research on. Its not that women with that are bad people, there's just a way you have to handle them that's different than other women. In short, you gotta over look the emotional rollercoaster and see it as part of the disorder, learn how to act the part she needs you to play, and be more of an adult than she will ever be... I'm not even kidding. Borderline women are like an adult, a child, a teen, a sultry siren, witch, mother, and a queen, all in the same body. There's a lot of come here, go away, come back again push-pull dynamics to relationships with these people, and it's tiring.

My advice, if she's worth it, is to start reading about both disorders now. Maybe watch a few YouTube videos and personal forums for mental illnesses and PDs. But keep in mind there are different levels to each disorder and your girlfriend may not be as bad as the worse descriptions.

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

I love her with all my heart, however, if this issue is unsolvable I would not live in constant stress and in a relationship where I have to act "perfect" or she snaps on me.

I am not fit to handle that, so lets hope that's not the case.

It's hurtful, she insults me and puts me down really harshly at times. I've finally had enough and began calling her names back. I keep telling her if she continues to insult me I'm leaving her.

She says she gets "numb" and just says things, but then later feels really bad about it.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I love her with all my heart, however, if this issue is unsolvable I would not live in constant stress and in a relationship where I have to act "perfect" or she snaps on me.

I am not fit to handle that, so lets hope that's not the case.

It's hurtful, she insults me and puts me down really harshly at times. I've finally had enough and began calling her names back. I keep telling her if she continues to insult me I'm leaving her.

She says she gets "numb" and just says things, but then later feels really bad about it.

That's definitely sounds like borderline PD.

Let me tell you, a relationship with a BPD person is not easy. Even if she's high functioning and attending therapy you will still have moments where you think you are losing your mind. And the relationship is going to be more hard work, especially if you don't know what you're doing. If she's low functioning, highly emotional and fragile... It's going to be a lot of work. Not to drag you down, but you might have to deal with years of insults, gaslighting, lots of crying, fights in public, and some affairs. You're going to have to have really strong boundaries and be secure with yourself with a person like this.

Again, I am not ripping on those with BPD just telling it like it is. Not everyone with a PD is an extreme case, and some women with BPD who go through therapy lead relatively normal lives. It's just the most extreme cases that leave the internet full of horror stories, like mine. But I don't want to detail this thread with my experience being married to a borderline waif of a wife. Instead I will point you to some websites like shrink4men or the ear4men YouTube channel on ways to deal with the worst case scenarios.

Last little tidbit, with a BPD & non-BPD relationship you have to almost become an actor to deal with them. Only they write the script, can change parts on a dime, and alter their memory to suit them. You have to play the part. When she's attacking you stand up to her but don't retaliate, when she's sad condole her, when she's being childish be the adult, you get the idea. It works for some people, just not me.

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

I have "known" a couple of BPD females...best to avoid them at ALL COSTS if possible, IMO! Unpredictable, flighty, impulsive, and downright MEAN sometimes, without ANY cause whatsoever! It takes a VERY "special" guy to tolerate and love a BPD female!...I ain't THAT GUY!

[Tamora Retired Super Moderator Member of the Month Aug 2015 PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Tamora]