At a loss

[Woohoo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Woohoo]

Sigh

So after a relationship of almost 5 years I am now single. I have lost my best friend and the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. For the past 8 months I have been saving for the engagement ring of her dreams. It kills me that she will never know this. I know it's natural but it is unbelievable how "lost" and alone I feel.

For a little prequel we have lived 2 1/2 hours apart for the past 10 months since I took a job doing what I love. The plan was for her to move up here and find a job once I found a decent apartment. Well for some reason that never happened.

We were doing great until about 3 months ago. We had a minor arguement about not seeing each other often enough. We cleared the air and promised to each make a better effort at visiting one another. The victory was short lived and we quit seeing eye to eye on little stuff. Nothing ever got out of hand and we were always courteous to each other and listened to one another to try and fix the issues.

She came up to visit one weekend as planned and out of nowhere the first night she tells me that she can't do this anymore and she's leaving me. She's stays the whole weekend still and I do my best be strong for her. I did okay emotionally for the visit but when she left it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. She still called me on a daily basis for almost two weeks before we had to go to wedding together. This was the first time I saw her in two weeks and we had a great time together. We were intimate and genuinely enjoyed each others company. I asked her to be mine again and she said no. Knowing that I could not take just being her friend at the moment I asked for a clean break without any contact so I could try to get over being rejected by my love.

Each day was rough not hearing from her and wondering what she was doing that made her happier than I could. Then exactly a week later she called crying that she made a mistake and that she wanted to make it work despite the distance. I surprised her with the fact that I had planned on moving back home to finish school. I was ecstatic and so was she. I felt whole again and woke up every day with a smile on my face. After about a week I could tell our conversations had changed and she was not talking much and didn't show much interest in anything. I tried to talk to her but she would just shut down and tell me not to worry about anything.

Well last night during our phone call I asked her to be mine again and she said no for the second time. That she no longer had feelings for me and that she was sorry for causing me so much pain. She couldn't deal with a long term relationship and that she needed time to herself.



I support her 100% and will honor all of her wishes but this is killing me. The girl I wanted to marry doesn't want anything to do with me. We had a completely faithful and honest relationship for the past 5 years. I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I always thought we had completely satisfied each other in every way.

I'm not sure what I am looking for here but just needed to get it off my chest as I have no one to talk to where I live. Thanks for listening

[ErictheGed Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close ErictheGed]

Sorry to hear that woohoo, thats a sore one mate. Don't torment yourself thinking you did something "wrong" man, chances are you did things right. People change mate, cliche'd but true. Its time for you to experience something else now. Its gonna burn for a while though, nothing you can do about that, just let it happen. Best thing now is as you say - a clean break.

[W.M.P. Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close W.M.P.]

The whole "distance" thing is a matter of perspective; there's many a working folk here in the greater NY area for whom 2.5hrs is nothing more than their daily commute, BOTH to and from work. This includes both those who take the train and those who drive in & out of NYC 5 days a week, so to think that a 2.5hr drive was THE dealbreaker is far from the truth. I know of several couples who have gotten through that without complications, including a good friend who would drive from Washington D.C. to NYC (about 4.5hrs) to see his girl almost every weekend. My parents got through @ least 10yrs where my dad lived in an apartment 2hrs away from home (he was building the family business) and would come see us on the weekends; they've been going strong for 40yrs. I say that this "distance"... all it did was give her enough space to face and accept the feelings that she had been suppressing for way longer than she'd care to admit. Truth is that regardless of how great of a guy you might have been, sometimes couples just grow apart. Plain and simple. It happens to both young and old couples. Just like every living entity in our universe, relationships have a lifespan of their own. It's in our romantic nature to hope for a relationship that will outlive us, but there's only so much control Life allows us when it comes to these matters.

Go on with your life and focus on those things you DO have control of. In time, you'll feel better and better and this will all be a thing of the past.

I believe that relationships are a great vehicle for personal growth. See what lessons you can find in hindsight, both about you & her, but most importantly about people and Life as a whole. The more wisdom you can gather from these last 5yrs, the better a human being you'll find yourself becoming as you get through the process of breaking apart. Then and only then you will find, that not all has been lost and the truths that truly matter will stay with you forever.

[moxsum Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close moxsum]

Good words WMP

Hey man I feel your pain.. im in a similar situation.. my girl of 4 years left me like 6 weeks ago now.. she needs time to herself, sorry she hurt me etc.. all the same kind of stuff..

Same as you initially I tried to be strong but broke down and tried anything I could to get her back for like a month.. only pushed her away farther.. now im finally reaching the stage where ive accepted its over.. and im actually looking forward to my new life with a new girl..

Its hard to see that theres no one else out there for you.. but over time you will start to realise that, not one person is your "perfect" match.. there are lots of great girls out there who you could have a great relationship with.. All relationships have problems.. they only continue when both people are willing to keep working on them..

This is all new to me as well... but I think we both need to be strong, and just move on with our lives and meet new girls/people.. think of it as starting fresh all over again! Its kind of exciting actually.. you get to completely re-invent yourself!

If its meant to be between you and her, it will happen at the right time. Lots of couples break up.. then end up together again a few years later and end up getting married/kids the whole thing.. so, it can happen.

BUT.. NOW is not the time for any of that. And you certainly cant live your life holding on to that possibility. Accept that for now, its over.. it doesnt mean forever, but for right now, you need to work on your self and move on with your life, and meet new girls. Remember, this chick left you.. not the other way around. You tried to make things work but she didnt want to.. So you move on.. then she might realise she made a mistake.. at that point its your call whether you still want her back or not.. but one things for sure.. hanging around, begging for her to take you back will never work.. and it will make you look weak.. surprise her by moving on quickly with another girl and she will get insecure and jealous and realize she made a mistake..

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

I am a fatalist about relationships. If one or both partners is not happy in a relationship, it is much better for that relationship to end then for it to go on and on, taking up time and preventing both people from finding other, better-fitting mates.

Painful as a breakup can be, it is better to get it over with than to live in live in limbo for months or years in a slowly dying relationship. You may feel like you have been run over by a freight train right now, but that will slowly pass. Just thank god that you did not have any children, and that you are a free agent now to get on with the rest of your life.

I think WMP is right on target in pointing out that the distance thing is not by itself a deal-breaker; it probably just made it easier for her to see that your relationship was not working at many levels for her. Many people sustain long-distance relationships for years, and come out of it deeply in love and stronger for it, despite how hard it can be. That your girlfriend found that it didn't work was not a sign that you messed up somewhere, or that you should not have left town to got take the job you love. NEVER think that. Rather, you need to realize that the distance just revealed that the relationship was not meant to last over the long term. Better to find out now, before you got married or had children.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, having lost in love before I can oh-so-clearly remember how much it hurt. But you will get over it, and learn from it, and find love again when you are ready. In the mean time, try to be productive in job and in your life -- turn a bad thing into a good thing. Keep busy -- work out more, fix up your apartment, take a class, or do something else positive. Hang in there, this will get easier with time.

[W.M.P. Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close W.M.P.]

i am a fatalist about relationships. If one or both partners is not happy in a relationship, it is much better for that relationship to end then for it to go on and on, taking up time and preventing both people from finding other, better-fitting mates.

Painful as a breakup can be, it is better to get it over with than to live in live in limbo for months or years in a slowly dying relationship. You may feel like you have been run over by a freight train right now, but that will slowly pass. Just thank god that you did not have any children, and that you are a free agent now to get on with the rest of your life.

Anyway, my heart goes out to you, having lost in love before i can oh-so-clearly remember how much it hurt. But you will get over it, and learn from it, and find love again when you are ready. In the mean time, try to be productive in job and in your life -- turn a bad thing into a good thing. Keep busy -- work out more, fix up your apartment, take a class, or do something else positive. Hang in there, this will get easier with time.

ditto

[NP97 Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close NP97]

Work on yourself for a while.
Work out, buy some new clothes, whiten your teeth... whatever. Go out with your friends, just try and have fun and not think or talk about her.

[Woohoo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Woohoo]

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I guess I am just having a hard time adjusting to what is happening in my life. Her mother called me today and said that she said " I still have feelings for him and love him he just doesn't understand what I need right now. I hope that when he moves back here we can get back together and be happy and in love. But I just can't do that with him so far away."

I'm not sure how to take that. And I'm not sure she's being honest with her mother or herself. I don't know how she could say I don't understand what she needs when she wouldn't talk to me about anything. This is unbelievably frustrating. Her mother wants me to keep in touch with her daughter once a week. Just to let her know I am still here and still care about how she's doing. I'm not sure I understand how that could be good for either of us. "She just wants to find herself, let her do that and the relationship can only grow stronger from there" Is what I was told today. I feel abnormally weak right now...not stronger. I have a huge pit in my stomach. I can barely crack a smile and can't figure out what to do with myself.

Thanks for reading all these rants its the only way I can get this stuff off my chest as I don't know anyone on a personal level here in town.

Thanks again for the advice everyone

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

I think they are being downright cruel. Tell the mother if she wants to be near you she can move as she was supposed to.
Do not consider moving. Find another girl, tell the mother you still have feelings ,but it is clear you must move on.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

I agree with Pegasus. All the signals from this girl are that she feels that the relationship is over. If she or her mom are saying something different to each other, it may be simply guilt talking, or wishful thinking. Anyway, you need to protect yourself. Move on, and try to put all this behind you.

[Dance Sucka Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Dance Sucka]

Next time anything like this happens, let her break up with you.
If you really love a woman for the human being she is, you know that you will stay friends with her no matter what, even if the two of you aren't in a relationship together. The benefits of a relationship are available in any relationship, so you can start dating other women and develop new feelings, while staying friends with your ex so the connection you've formed doesn't completely vanish.

Also know that you can't control anyone but yourself. So don't let yourself be confused by her emotions and Judge her by her actions, not her words. So whatever she says, the fact remains that she broke up with you and moved away. That's obviously not a vacation. Bro, this means your relationship is over.

It's not the only relationship in the world though. Many men are emotionally weak, meaning that sometimes they don't understand their own feelings and they end up expressing themselves in the wrong ways. While you feel like this great woman in your life is gone forever, that doesn't mean you can't find another woman to love you.

OK bye!
-DS

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

I am sorry that you are experiencing heartbreak, It is better you found this out now rather then later after the ring was on her finger.
IF she really felt you were the one for her the distance and time apart would not matter, sure there would be hard times but the desire to be together would carry the relationship through...i agree with pegasus and batwoman not to read too much into what she was saying to her mom, Her mom is probably like you not able to understand why her daughter has had a change of heart... like batwoman said its a bit of guilt and wishful thinking talking... Focus on your life as an individual for the time being, if her mom is right and the girl just needs time to find herself then take the time to find yourself too.. You both sound young, you might both need a little freedom before coming back together... or you might find that in hindsight she wasn't the one for you.

[quickguy Member Find all posts View Profile Close quickguy]

I can relate with you right now. The only advice I can give is to be strong. There's no point in trying to be miserable. Be aware about what happened but don't let it destroy you. Do something you've been wanting to do. From this point on, things should only get better.

BE STRONG, BROTHER!

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

You've been given some excellent advice and words of encouragement. Heartbreak isn't easy....it's painful as hell.....BUT, it doesn't last forever and you will be able to go on with your life. Take some time out for YOU.

[Woohoo Member Find all posts View Profile Close Woohoo]

Big thanks for all of the advice! I kept busy all weekend and picked up some extra shifts at work this week. I think tomorrow I might pull the trigger and join a gym. I've been trying to exercise by myself for the past month but have been missing a lot of days. I'm hoping the membership will keep me motivated and help me meet some new people.r

On a side note the ex emailed me non stop today and called me this evening. She was crying hysterically on the phone and wanted to make everything right. I somehow remained calmed and told her that it would take time and that I was not ready to take that step. She was very upset but said that she understood and asked me to call if I ever wanted to talk.

Not sure what will happen from here but I think I am still going take some time to recover and enjoy some freedom