Why am I doing this?

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

OK,

I'm supposed to go to Seattle with this lady friend of mine in like 2 weeks. Yesterday while we were out and about, we were talking about our trip. Now mind you, she is poor as a church mouse. To make a long story short, I ended up with a $67 dollar travel voucher that I GAVE to her to offset the cost of her airfaire. Her airfar roundtrip ended up being $167. Pretty damn cheap if you ask me. After several conversations about the airfare and the hotel, I figured she wouldn't be able to help out with that either so like the incredibly NICE guy that I am, I told her I'd cover the hotel and rental car because I knew she was strapped. Mind you, she has $2500 in her savings account and spent $60 on two new pair of shoes for work that she claimed she needed.

So, back to our discussion. I told her to bring about $250 for her expenses (food, souvenirs and whatever else she wanted to buy for herself). We get home to her house yesterday and she's doing this sniffling bullshit........where I KNOW she's crying over something but what is a mystery. I asked her what was wrong and she gives me this ridiculous line that she thinks she's coming down with a cold. Yeah right, whatever. So, I leave her house about 5 last night, she walks me to my car, I kiss her goodbye and tell her I'd come back to go for our walk.

I text her about 6:30 and let her know that I'm not coming by because I simply don't feel well and that I'm going to stay home for the night. She texts back "Np, get some rest".

I text her a couple of times that night, no response. She's been having issues with her phone so I figured she's not responding because her phone is pissing her off. No biggie. I send her a few more texts AND an email this morning. Still no response. Now I'm wondering what's up and I'm getting a tad concerned.

So I'm at lunch and I FINALLY get a response from her and it wasn't anything that I was expecting. She literally tore into me for my having suggested she bring $250 with her to subsidize her portion of our trip and that perhaps next I'll want to choose someone who's got more money than she does with which to travel with and that she was utterly startled and hurt by my words the day before. I was totally, completely blown the fuck away. WHAT in the FUCK was this crazy broad talking about?? Number one, she never even thanked me for GIVING her my travel voucher for $67 to offset the cost of her airfare. Number two, she never even thanked me for offering to cover the rental car AND the hotel bill that SHE will be sharing with me mind you. I was incredibly pissed and wondered why the fuck I was dealing with this crazy woman anymore. Her financial woes are NOT my problem nor were they brought on by me!

Rather than go off, I played it very cool and apologized for having hurt her feelings and explained that I did understand her financial dilemma and I also apologized for my not being able to cover her portion of the trip because I'm not exactly swimming in money myself. She then says "well, don't cancel the trip just yet, let me see what I can do, I'll figure something out"....I'm sorry, what???? You just ripped me a new hole for no fucking reason and now you're telling me not to cancel anything and that you'll see what you can do? What the hell is wrong with her?

She then sends me some text messages later on how she misses "her friend" (I'm sorry, did I go anywhere???) and that we'll talk about the trip.

Do I cancel this trip, say fuck it and forget about the whole thing? I don't feel like being nice to her anymore and paying for her portion, not when she's proven to be a totally ungrateful woman over my offer of paying MORE than my fair share. She seems to think that her financial woes she be EVERYONE'S financial woes and in particular, my financial woes. It isn't my fault that her asshole ex husband doesn't help with THEIR son. It isn't my fault that she's CHOSEN to stay with a job that hasn't given her a raise in 2 years and it isn't my fault that SHE has dwindled her savings into the mere pittance it's now become. I understand she's scared but I do not feel like being her personal punching bag any longer. None of her current situation I caused and yet she makes me feel like I'm personally responsible and I'm simply tired of taking it.

What do I do?

[kingpole Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close kingpole]

Don't set yourself up to be a punching bag. Back off on the financial incentives until you feel her out some more. If she is having finaicial stress its going to show in impulsive emotions. Don't offer to pay for anythng unless its dinner and a movie at this point.

If you invited her on the trip she may have figured you were going to pay her way.

[vankush Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close vankush]

I'm not nearly an expert in relationships, but I'll give my 2 cents.

Firstly, I don't know how invested you are in this woman, but if you're going on a trip with her I assume you like her a decent amount, and I wouldn't throw that away just because of this. If she wants to talk, take the opportunity to calmly explain how you feel. Be clear, but don't attack her. Say, "I FEEL like you..." whatever, so that she doesn't feel like you're yelling at her, but rather like you're just trying to clear things up. Also I wouldn't apologize for not paying for all of her expenses, that isn't your job.

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

Well, I dated this woman for over a year and we broke up for 6 months. We recently rekindled things but we're not committed. The trip to Seattle was set up because I was SUPPOSED to be going to Boston in like 2 days with another woman. She and I dated briefly, she invited herself on my trip even though she didn't know me all that well (we work together) and then after I broke it off with her, I cancelled the trip because I simply didn't want to go to Boston with this woman.

Fast forward to now, I had to use my airfare by Feb of 2011. Because of things going on with my job, I opted to go to Seattle. This former gf of mine asked me if I was looking for some company to go with me. She paid for her own airfare minues the $67 travel voucher I got that I allowed her to use.

Offering to pay the rental car and hotel did annoy me but I figured an ugly situation was going to arise because she's going through this "I'm almost out of money and I'm scared shitless so I'm not helping pay for anything" phase. You're right, her financial woes are not my problem and if it weren't for the fact that I would lose money all together, I'd cancel this trip completely and not look back. I initially paid $288 for my airfare to Boston. When I cancelled, I had to pay a $150 cancellation fee to the airline PLUS my new round of airfare. Pissed me off. It's only 1 trip and if I could get a full refund from the airline, I would do that and forget about going anywhere. I just don't want to have to cancel this trip and start ALL over again. But, I will if I have to.

[hsarge Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close hsarge]

Women need their shoes.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

ok first off i am not making excuses for your lady friend because what she is doing is not right, it might have been a case of break down in communication.
I will say that just because she has x amount of dollars in the bank does not mean she has money, she could have huge financial dept or know of bills that are coming her way.. if she has a child she might view that money as a security blanket for rainy days not fun money... the shoes may have truly been a need that said one pair would have been enough LOL

If you pulled out of the holiday would you lose more money then if you were just to take her anyway? can you see yourself enjoying your time in Seattle or will you feelings about what has happened flow into your trip?

[kingpole Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close kingpole]

Yeah, she could be saving up for an impending bill. Mr. big can you modify the trip to make more $$$ manageable. this may eleviate the stress and you may actually enjoy yourself more? Count the loss and have fun anyway?

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

ok first off i am not making excuses for your lady friend because what she is doing is not right, it might have been a case of break down in communication.
I will say that just because she has x amount of dollars in the bank does not mean she has money, she could have huge financial dept or know of bills that are coming her way.. if she has a child she might view that money as a security blanket for rainy days not fun money... the shoes may have truly been a need that said one pair would have been enough LOL

If you pulled out of the holiday would you lose more money then if you were just to take her anyway? can you see yourself enjoying your time in Seattle or will you feelings about what has happened flow into your trip?

I knew she needed shoes and she spent $50 for the two pair she bought so I wasn't upset about that. I guess what bugged me is I know she has this money and if she KNEW she truly couldn't afford to go, she should've said something early on once her going was brought into the picture. She's 51 years old.....she knows what she can and cannot afford. When I met her, she had about $15K in this savings account. That was 2 years ago. She's whiddled it away to the mere $2500 it is now. She's supporting herself and her adult, special needs son (he's 21) on her income. Believe me TTBB, I'm not saying she does have money but to not be willing to offer to pay some of the expenses on the trip simply because she's gone into panic mode isn't my fault or problem. I do love and care about her, I'm just tired of being her emotional punching bag when it comes to her finances. I didn't cause her problems, she did.

If I took her with me anyway, it would be alot easier. If I cancel the trip, I'll have to pay ANOTHER cancellation fee and go through more hassle rebooking something else. I'll enjoy my trip to Seattle irrespective of how she chooses to act. We'll see what she decides to do. I intentionally didn't go over to her house tonight because A. I've got a cold and I'm trying to kick it before my trip and B. I simply didn't want to be around her tonight. She pisses me off sometimes and this is one of those times. I don't verbalize nor do I say mean things to her, in spite of the uncalled for tongue lashing she gave me today, I remained calm and cool and hopefully she felt like a jackass after she was done.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Well mr BD I have been in similar situations several times and it is a no win. If she pays anything at all, she will act like she is doing you a big favour. If you pay everything ,you will resent it and she will expect it next time. if you cancel the trip, all and sundry will call you a mean,greedy etc etc. Good luck.

[TTBB Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close TTBB]

it is bad form that she bailed on you so close to the date and its not right that she expects you to pay for everything if you had indicated that she would have to pay for some of it.. she however might have been thrown by the fact you expect her to pay for her own food (i hate saying it but woman do expect the man to pay for meals)... maybe ask her how much she can afford instead of putting a set amount that you expect her to pay... and negotiate from there???

[MrBigDick Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close MrBigDick]

I wouldn't really call this a "date". This was a trip that I would've taken anyway due to my having to use the airfare I originally purchased earlier thisw year. She just offered to go along. As for the meals and other incidentals, I simply can't afford to pay for the both of us...........I just don't have the money and I'm not using my credit card to do it. I could just say "screw it" and pay anyway but I don't want to do that. She acts like I have more money to burn than she does and therefore, she's entitled to not bring any money with her and allow me to pay for everything. I still fall on the bottom line: She knows what her financial situation is like....if she couldn't afford to do this, she had a moral and responsible obligation to say "I'm sorry, I'd like to go but I simply can't afford to" and that would've been the end of it.

We'll see what she says today.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Well if I'm a girl and the question is even brought up to go on a trip with a guy the first thing I'm not thinking of is paying.Old fashioned people like me think it's our job to treat the "lady" whether I have the money or not.I know it's a different world out there but I'm still in my little corner of the milky way! You know you're not made of money and she probably knows it as well but if she was looking at this trip as fun, as maybe a vacation that maybe she hasn't had in years, and she'll be with you alone, well what the hell. Treat her. You like her or at least you seem to so how much will it put you in the hole? Don't spoil a good thing for $250 but in the future remember this episode before you ask something that will cost a few bucks.

[Batwoman Moderator ReservePEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Batwoman]

Damn, I lost my long, thoughtful post in a Gym hickup.

MrBD, listen to Cusp. Both you and your lady (A) don't have a lot of money and worry about that, (B) are upset by this argument, (C) just want to have a fun little vacation, and (D) are hot for each other (judging from your posts on other threads ). Tell her you're sorry about the misunderstanding (that doesn't mean you are taking responsibility for it, just feeling badly about it) and make up. Either suck up the $250 or make a game out of going dutch and spending as little as possible (Chinese takeout while naked in a hotel room, anyone?)

Anyway, make up and get over it..... and try to have a fun vacation.

[rockwell Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close rockwell]

Damn, I lost my long, thoughtful post in a Gym hickup.

This JUST happened to me too except because Google Chrome likes to crash on me.

I was going to suggest pouring out how you feel to her and calming her down. I HATE HATE HATE when a women is upset so I would diffuse that. Then try and find a diplomatic solution to the financial thing. Going dutch and eating Chinese isn't a bad idea at all! haha. I would even suggest maybe hitting up a wholesaler once in Seattle or wherever you're going and getting some breakfast/lunch food really cheap. Mhmmm. Theres a way you can handle this and have both parties completely happy in the end. You'll figure it out.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Hey BW you agreed with me!I'm shocked!!!