Insecurity Issues

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

Hey everyone, been a while since I have posted. Anyways, to the point. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 months now but got to know each other for about 4 months prior to dating. I've always suffered from insecurity issues, but lately it's been really bad. I keep getting this feeling that she's cheating on me, or hiding stuff from me. I don't know why either, she says she loves me to death and would never do anything to hurt me. She, on occasion, will go out with her friends and drink at their place and stay the night with whomever is there, and that makes me nervous as hell. Especially since I have no idea who her friends are personally, and anytime I ask what she's doing or who she's going out with that night, she gets incredibly mad and says I'm hounding her and getting in her business. I really don't think I am, and anyone I've talked to about this, they all said it shouldn't be an issue that you ask questions like that, especially since you're just curious.
I mean, I don't think she would cheat on me but I'm never too sure... It sucks.
For example, last night she went out with one of her guy best friends who came down to visit from Wisconsin. He didnt come down for her, he came down with his friend to visit her husband who is stationed here. However, they met up and went out. She says they have no sexual history and she considers him like a brother to her. But yet, I can't get around that she went out alone with some guy I don't know. I don't know what they did, and my first thought is he tried pulling a move or they did stuff. I don't know why I immediately think of that instead of, oh I wonder if she had a good time, etc. it's killing me by thinking the way I do.
What should I do? What can I do? I don't want to ruin the relationship because I'm too insecure. I used to be good about it too, but like I said, lately it's just been getting worse and worse.
Like right now, I'm at work and she's still asleep where she's staying and I'm beyond anxious to go see her on my lunch and ask how last night was. All of this has made me so stressed out lately, and I've noticed my dick has been hanging fully less and is almost
Turtled on a regular basis. Is it from stress and anxiety?
I'm sick and tired of worrying and not just going with the flow and enjoying the moment. I can't stop though.

[Dangler Senior Administrator☼ Wizard ☼ White Tiger Award 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Dangler]

My experience is that I've found this-
Trying to control another person, so that I can feel secure, is destructive to both parties.


You might consider asking, if your special person has any ideas. At least sharing about it to the other person involved, gives the opportunity to invent a solution, to the foreground.
You need to not bottle this up inside, it can resurface in many other areas of your life.
Good Luck.

[arkham Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close arkham]

Tell her you dont like her "going out alone". And ask her how would she like if you were to go out to a party alone and spend night there? Ask her to take you with her next time.

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

My experience is that I've found this-
Trying to control another person, so that I can feel secure, is destructive to both parties.


You might consider asking, if your special person has any ideas. At least sharing about it to the other person involved, gives the opportunity to invent a solution, to the foreground.
You need to not bottle this up inside, it can resurface in many other areas of your life.
Good Luck.

Well, I definitely let her know for the most part about my fears, and she always gets frustrated when I bring it up because I've brought it up so many times before, and she just wants me to get over it all. She says to me I don't trust her when I bring up stuff like this. I do trust her, but for some reason I still can't shake these thoughts.
But you're right, trying to control what she does and trying to keep her hanging with me all the time is bad. I just don't know what to do though to get around this.

[donjelqer76 Retired ModeratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close donjelqer76]

I completely agree with Dangler. Control issues will only cause resentment.

In my opinion though, if you two are together and are serious then I would have to say she is being quite disrespectful in not keeping you in the loop on what she is doing. While you don't have the right to grant her approval on what she is doing, she could at least have the courtesy of telling you more than she does to ease your mind

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

Tell her you dont like her "going out alone". And ask her how would she like if you were to go out to a party alone and spend night there? Ask her to take you with her next time.

She claims stuff like that doesn't bug her, or that all my friends that are girls have tried getting with me at one point and still want to. But according to my friends that are girls, they say she secretly worries a bit but just doesn't make it obvious.
As far as hanging with her friends goes when she's drinking, I've been invited maybe twice ever to hang with her friends. I don't know if she doesn't invite me simply because she wants a night with just her friends and not me there, or if its because she's going to do stuff that she wouldn't want me there for... I ask all the time that I'd like to hang with her and her friends so I can meet them and not worry so much since they wouldn't be strangers anymore. And yet, I've never been invited all but twice.
Anytime I bring up her nights with her friends and ask what she did and what not, she gets so mad. Like I said, she claims I'm hounding her and asking her too many questions.

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

I completely agree with Dangler. Control issues will only cause resentment.

In my opinion though, if you two are together and are serious then I would have to say she is being quite disrespectful in not keeping you in the loop on what she is doing. While you don't have the right to grant her approval on what she is doing, she could at least have the courtesy of telling you more than she does to ease your mind

That's exactly what I want. Is to just know so I have the peace at mind and I'm not constantly wondering and worrying. Not that she asks, but anytime I go out with my friends, I tell her what were doing, who's going to be there, and all that junk. I wish she would do the same. That's why it makes me feel like she's hiding stuff from me.
She's very protective of her phone too. She always is holding it very close to her, which I understand because phones are part of people's bodies sometimes, but she claims she's not a big texter, and yet she's always texting people other than me. She says she doesn't like to text me because she sees me every day, which makes sense kind of. Anytime I come over to where she's staying and she's still sleeping and she hears me come in, she wakes up and immediately asks for me to hand her her phone and she holds it close to her body and goes back to sleep. That right there makes me feel like she thinks I'm going to snoop and find something I'm not supposed to see. I've asked her too to be completely honest and tell me if there's anything on there or if she's talking to anyone that she doesn't want me seeing or knowing about, and she always says no. But, I just don't know..

[9TeXaS0BaD3BoY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 9TeXaS0BaD3BoY]

That's exactly what I want. Is to just know so I have the peace at mind and I'm not constantly wondering and worrying. Not that she asks, but anytime I go out with my friends, I tell her what were doing, who's going to be there, and all that junk. I wish she would do the same. That's why it makes me feel like she's hiding stuff from me.
She's very protective of her phone too. She always is holding it very close to her, which I understand because phones are part of people's bodies sometimes, but she claims she's not a big texter, and yet she's always texting people other than me. She says she doesn't like to text me because she sees me every day, which makes sense kind of. Anytime I come over to where she's staying and she's still sleeping and she hears me come in, she wakes up and immediately asks for me to hand her her phone and she holds it close to her body and goes back to sleep. That right there makes me feel like she thinks I'm going to snoop and find something I'm not supposed to see. I've asked her too to be completely honest and tell me if there's anything on there or if she's talking to anyone that she doesn't want me seeing or knowing about, and she always says no. But, I just don't know..

my ex was the same... she would go off with friends, guys or girls and sometimes not come back until the next day... Leave me there all night pissed off, hurting and just wondering wtf is going on. I asked her all the time, but she doesn't like talking about shit. Shes the same with the phone too. Always txtn and keeps it with her most all the time. Women like that aren't worth us worrying about or stressing over bro. If she can't be straight up with you and be honest then drop her ass... And you can ask them that shit til theyre blue in the face, women like that, they aint gonna tell you the truth... But then again, she could just have lots of guy friends like most women and you'll just have to deal with it and trust her if you love her, but trust is hard when your gut is telling you different...

We tried to get back together this last week, but she went off and didn't come back home like she said she was. It didn't work.....

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

my ex was the same... she would go off with friends, guys or girls and sometimes not come back until the next day... Leave me there all night pissed off, hurting and just wondering wtf is going on. I asked her all the time, but she doesn't like talking about shit. Shes the same with the phone too. Always txtn and keeps it with her most all the time. Women like that aren't worth us worrying about or stressing over bro. If she can't be straight up with you and be honest then drop her ass... And you can ask them that shit til theyre blue in the face, women like that, they aint gonna tell you the truth... But then again, she could just have lots of guy friends like most women and you'll just have to deal with it and trust her if you love her, but trust is hard when your gut is telling you different...

We tried to get back together this last week, but she went off and didn't come back home like she said she was. It didn't work.....

I mean, I want to bring it up to her again, but I just don't want to start more shit then there already is/has been. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing, but I don't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with a kickass girl because I'm insecure, you know what I mean?
I want her to and wish she would be as straight with me as I am with her, but I don't know how to get her to. She's very hard headed too.
I have issues with confrontation too. I have trouble standing up for myself and putting my foot down. I usually just end up letting things slide by, when I should do or say something about it.
I want this to work out between us so bad, I just feel like if I can't get over my fears soon, then it won't.

And I'm sorry to hear about you and your girl man, that always sucks.

[amp11220 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close amp11220]

I want this to work out between us so bad, I just feel like if I can't get over my fears soon, then it won't.

which is fine aslong as your not blInded by it.

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

I want this to work out between us so bad, I just feel like if I can't get over my fears soon, then it won't.

which is fine aslong as your not blInded by it.

What do you mean?

[9TeXaS0BaD3BoY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 9TeXaS0BaD3BoY]

I mean, I want to bring it up to her again, but I just don't want to start more shit then there already is/has been. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing, but I don't want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with a kickass girl because I'm insecure, you know what I mean?
I want her to and wish she would be as straight with me as I am with her, but I don't know how to get her to. She's very hard headed too.
I have issues with confrontation too. I have trouble standing up for myself and putting my foot down. I usually just end up letting things slide by, when I should do or say something about it.
I want this to work out between us so bad, I just feel like if I can't get over my fears soon, then it won't.

And I'm sorry to hear about you and your girl man, that always sucks.

I swear we're talking about the same one here, LOL

I say it like this... If your girl knows about your insecurities, and why you have them, and she still does the shit to make you feel that way and wont even talk about it to you and keeps her phone by her at all times... I would be trying really hard to find out whats up, cause thats all some fishy shit. A woman that really loves you and cares for you will not do any of these things to you, and wont make you feel insecure about things, but rather help you get over them. Yea, you can't control a person, but you can put your foot down and MAN UP and tell her exactly how you feel , why you feel that way and give her an option.. Ither tell me whats up or its over. At the same time, you don't want to fuck up a good thing, but is it really good if one of you is feeling the way you do?

[Thirdeye Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thirdeye]

I swear we're talking about the same one here, LOL

I say it like this... If your girl knows about your insecurities, and why you have them, and she still does the shit to make you feel that way and wont even talk about it to you and keeps her phone by her at all times... I would be trying really hard to find out whats up, cause thats all some fishy shit. A woman that really loves you and cares for you will not do any of these things to you, and wont make you feel insecure about things, but rather help you get over them. Yea, you can't control a person, but you can put your foot down and MAN UP and tell her exactly how you feel , why you feel that way and give her an option.. Ither tell me whats up or its over. At the same time, you don't want to fuck up a good thing, but is it really good if one of you is feeling the way you do?

I guess that's just what I'm afraid of, is putting my foot down. I've always let my girlfriends walk all over me and push me around and talk down to me and avoid confrontation about things because I don't want to lose her. I'm a wuss I suppose, but I have never stood up for myself for some reason so I'm used to all of this..

[9TeXaS0BaD3BoY Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 9TeXaS0BaD3BoY]

I guess that's just what I'm afraid of, is putting my foot down. I've always let my girlfriends walk all over me and push me around and talk down to me and avoid confrontation about things because I don't want to lose her. I'm a wuss I suppose, but I have never stood up for myself for some reason so I'm used to all of this..

Youre not a wuss bro... YOu have a dick don't you? Your a man aren't you? Do your balls hang? I bet so... Just man up and STOMP THEM FEET HELL, let her know! Don't be scared to lose her, plenty out there bro... Try it once and see how you like it. YOu might become a new man

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Why are you not going with her, if she is doing this and you are not allowed to go that is the end of the relationship, if you are choosing not to go out then that is different. If my wife said she was going out with a guy friend from Wisconsin or anywhere else she would be out the door before she went out in the first place. If people are married or living together there is no reason to not come home, of course if it is only once in a while and you could not go and get her then safety is a reason but if it is happening enough to be a problem then at the very least she is drinking way too much.