Hypothetical Question: Possible Remedies for a Sexless Marriage?

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

I'll tell ya, this is what I did for 10yrs. It was a long hard decade. Not sure if I'd want to go through that again.

Ok Anonymity, what would you recommend (from the list provided) to another couple who found themselves in a sexless marriage that did not include a porn addiction but just that sex was no longer an interest for one of the spouses?

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Would I like it no. If it had to be then that's they way it is. There are far more important things in life than sex.

Cusp...while I agree that there is more to both life and even marriage than just sex...I do, however, believe that sex still has great significance and can often be the glue that holds a relationship together.

[draggin Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close draggin]

I'll tell ya, this is what I did for 10yrs. It was a long hard decade. Not sure if I'd want to go through that again.

Then stick with me, my darling! It will be my pleasure to keep you happy.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

Not necessarily Toadstool...sometimes the passion fizzles out for far simpler reasons yet the marriage is healthy.

I'll take your word for it. I don't plan on getting married for a long time yet, if ever at all.
To my mind, sex is healthy and if it's missing, then something in the relationship is missing and the lacking of sex is really just a symptom of that. Intimacy can come in a variety of forms. I wouldn't have to be banging like two symbol players in an overworked marching band. I can be intimate in other ways ... but there's a build up, and a build up and eventually a climax. If she's holding herself back from reaching that crescendo, then something's going on.

Maybe she suddenly became asexual after kids. Maybe the fear of childbirth scared her celibate. In that case, she should understand if I took on a lover or two or three or maybe even four. I like sandwiches, don't you? I'll be the meat

Isn't a sexless marriage just another term for room mates?

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Very interesting question TPW...and difficult to answer. Just talked with the wife about it.

For us, we think B and C would be too hard to handle. Always wondering what's happening, not knowing if an emotional bond was forming, the work in keeping it discreet...

If everything was perfect, except for the sex, we don't see why divorce would be necessary, so E doesn't sound good either. A relationship is more than sex, even if it is a part of it.

So that leaves A and D. Solo sex would work for a while, but would have a limit, and could ultimately cause issues of its own.

Hiring an escort could work, if done wisely, with the other partner involved, so that they felt comfortable with the choice. No deception, no emotions, like a living sex toy. Each of us would make that offer to the other, but neither of us would like to take up the offer. It's a selfless, considerate thing to put on the table, but each of us would feel guilty in doing it.

Like I said, difficult to answer....to each their own.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

I'll take your word for it. I don't plan on getting married for a long time yet, if ever at all.
To my mind, sex is healthy and if it's missing, then something in the relationship is missing and the lacking of sex is really just a symptom of that. Intimacy can come in a variety of forms. I wouldn't have to be banging like two symbol players in an overworked marching band. I can be intimate in other ways ... but there's a build up, and a build up and eventually a climax. If she's holding herself back from reaching that crescendo, then something's going on.

Maybe she suddenly became asexual after kids. Maybe the fear of childbirth scared her celibate. In that case, she should understand if I took on a lover or two or three or maybe even four. I like sandwiches, don't you? I'll be the meat

Hey Toadstool,

There are myriad reasons why a spouse may lose interest in sex but that is not the point of this thread. What I wanted to present were actual options that many couples in sexless marriages are considering. From what you said, I am assuming you would choose "B" or "C"...is that correct?

[anonymity Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close anonymity]

I guess I lean towards what Mr.Cusp said because that's what I did. But now that I have had this experience I can tell you that the lack of touch extends into a lack of emotional intimacy and friendship and although you might think your "okay" at one point, that doesn't mean that years into it, your feelings won't change into loneliness and eventually the feeling of rejection will lead to resentment. In other words, looking 4 or 5 steps ahead are you just prolonging the inevitable in staying? Is the relationship as man and wife already dead but still walking around? So if your going to live as roommates, than how do we get around the feelings of rejection? hmmmm.......You tell him your getting a male escort. If he doesn't change his mind when he hears this, you will wake up every morning and ask yourself TPW's question. (WTF am I going to do?)

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Very interesting question TPW...and difficult to answer. Just talked with the wife about it.

For us, we think B and C would be too hard to handle. Always wondering what's happening, not knowing if an emotional bond was forming, the work in keeping it discreet...

If everything was perfect, except for the sex, we don't see why divorce would be necessary, so E doesn't sound good either. A relationship is more than sex, even if it is a part of it.

So that leaves A and D. Solo sex would work for a while, but would have a limit, and could ultimately cause issues of its own.

Hiring an escort could work, if done wisely, with the other partner involved, so that they felt comfortable with the choice. No deception, no emotions, like a living sex toy. Each of us would make that offer to the other, but neither of us would like to take up the offer. It's a selfless, considerate thing to put on the table, but each of us would feel guilty in doing it.

Like I said, difficult to answer....to each their own.

Hey W4I,

I absolutely agree that any of the options would be difficult at best and seemingly at odds with marriage vows. I believe sex is important, if for no other reason than biological. And I do not necessarily agree that divorce is the only or even the best option when sex is no longer available; especially when everything else in the relationship works. For these reasons, I think other possibilities are worth consideration...but this is just my opinion of course.

[Toadstool Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Toadstool]

Hey Toadstool,

There are myriad reasons why a spouse may lose interest in sex but that is not the point of this thread. What I wanted to present were actual options that many couples in sexless marriages are considering. From what you said, I am assuming you would choose "B" or "C"...is that correct?

I'd love to give you a black and white answer, but it doesn't work that way in real life. If there's a problem in the relationship, I gotta address it. If this is a woman that, for whatever reason, I choose to spend the rest of my life with, I need to work through the issues that present themselves. Sexlessness is one of those issues.

A sexless marriage is just being room mates and I'm sick of that already.

What reason could there be that we would be living together and can't have sex, even though she has no medical issue?

[aBone2pick Senior Member Member of the Month July 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close aBone2pick]

If my marriage became truly sexless then I would eventually resort to masturbation. However, I would divorce before I would consider anything extramarital.

[Nachos87 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Nachos87]

A) Remain in the marriage and simply engage in solo sex?
B) Discretely take on a lover?
C) Open the marriage up: where their sexual needs are met my another with his/her spouse’s approval
D) Regularly hire clean, reputable, high-end prostitutes or male escorts?
E) Be content with sexless companionship.
F) Get a divorce.

C and F

[draggin Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close draggin]

OK, I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box, but let's do some math.

42 million live in a sexless marriage in America. There are 300 million Americans. I'm guessing 100 million are babies and kids, so they don't apply. Therefore 42,000,000 into 200,000,000 = 21%.

Holy shit, that means 1 in 5 marriages are sexless. Whoa! Someone please tell me my math is wrong.

[Thenewguy2 Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Thenewguy2]

OK, I'm not the sharpest hook in the tackle box, but let's do some math.

42 million live in a sexless marriage in America. There are 300 million Americans. I'm guessing 100 million are babies and kids, so they don't apply. Therefore 42,000,000 into 200,000,000 = 21%.

Holy shit, that means 1 in 5 marriages are sexless. Whoa! Someone please tell me my math is wrong.

'

It's right man, I wonder where TPW got the 42m thingy from... Actually the math would be wrong. Because we are talking about married people. 200,000,000 people in the US aren't married. Which would make the % even higher

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

According to the latest statistics, there are over 42 million American couples currently living in a sexless marriage. In truth, it's actually becoming a world-wide epidemic. So that got me thinking (always a dangerous thing )...

What would you recommend to a couple – where everything was perfect in their marriage – the finances, child-rearing, friendship, compatibility - but with one glowing exception…sex was no longer wanted (for whatever reason) by one spouse. Accepting that sex is a biological need, which of the following would you recommend to the spouse, who has now been placed into forced celibacy, do?

A) Remain in the marriage and simply engage in solo sex?
B) Discretely take on a lover?
C) Open the marriage up: where their sexual needs are met my another with his/her spouse’s approval
D) Regularly hire clean, reputable, high-end prostitutes or male escorts?
E) Be content with sexless companionship.
F) Get a divorce.

For the sake of argument...these are the ONLY choices available…so what say you?

I gotta admit, this is a tough question to answer. If the actual predicament arises, then the circumstances at the time have to be addressed. I'm sure many out there have "luls" in lovemaking,,,,,,Me included. But when there is a trend that is becoming more and more prominent, this must be dealt with.

My relationship is NOT based around love making. But Lovemaking is important nonetheless. We need oxygen to live, but without a mouth or nose to inhale we are surely dead. So with that being said, I'd have a hard time existing in my relationship. Now, if there were actual reasons like, sickness, body problems, I can understand a decrease or halt......but I would sure attempt to find ways around it as long as it was still pleasurable for my mate. If she just decides right then and there that she will not indulge with me,,,,,then I have to FIRST find out why. After all this relationship is mine as well as hers. If it's a matter of her just closing up shop to be vendictive or spiteful for some reason,,,once again I gotta find out why before I decide on a course of action. My course of action would probably not be appealing to her, because I would probably venture to say that her reasons aren't "kind" either. ----->good topic,,,but lunch is served.....I'll be back! :-)

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

What reason could there be that we would be living together and can't have sex, even though she has no medical issue?

Hey Toadstool,

There are quite a few reasons, including medical issues, that can cause one spouse to lose interest in sex with his/her partner; some which are impossible to "fix", perhaps I will address these reasons on another thread one day...but suffice to say, there are many married couples who cannot or no longer want to have sex with their partner...so then what should they do?