A girlfriend who isn't that sexual?

[radk98 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close radk98]

Hey guys, I've been reading these forums for a while and started PE myself a couple months ago. I want to say thanks for the great forum first of all, and I hope you all can take a second to help me out with my current situation. I know this is a bit long, but please help a guy out!

I've been with my gf for a year now. She's 24 and I'm 26 and she's only been with one other person. Sex with her has always been awkward. I want to first say I love this girl and have been as patient as I can. It took me forever to get her to learn how to kiss, she was all over the place. However, that's gotten a bit better. For sex, I can rarely initiate it and when I do it feels so unnatural. I've been with other girls and have tried everything I can think to turn her on and it rarely works. I know you all will offer tips, but I promise I've tried quite a bit; always open to suggestions tho.

At first I just assumed it was inexperience, but as things didn't get better I started getting all of these insecurities. I know she had a 2 year relationship end with a guy 6 months before she met me where he was horrible to her. That was her first and he was the typical bad boy with tattoos and long hair. She is such a sweet girl I don't understand, but I do understand we make mistakes. However, throughout the early part of the relationship she said things I just let pass by at first but now they are running through my head. She told me sex was wrong and lustful with him and with me it's real love and she doesn't lust me. She said she wishes she were pure for me. She told me her ex called her loose and beat-up, that she was horrible in bed and a horrible kisser. She mentioned it was like infatuation with him at first and with me it was a slow steady progression of love.

Other stuff that makes me question things is that once she mentioned getting a ruler out to measure me and was saying I had to be 8-9 inches...(I'm really right at 6.7-7"length 5.25"girth). This made me think she has measured one before that big. Another thing is that I have NEVER been able to tell if she's had an O. I don't pressure her about this but I asked a couple times and she said she has had them occasionally with me and never anytime before me. I was trying to communicate what she likes best but she gets awkward. I still didn't really believe her about the O, so I asked how it felt for her. She said like losing control, etc which indicates she knows what one is. I never get the impression she has this. My thinking is that if a girl wants sex and is enjoying it, she'll want more. However, she insists she's not a sexual person and has always been that way. Also, she doesn't like me touching her cl*t or going down on her bc she's too sensitive. If I'm as gentle as possible, she gets ticklish.

As you can tell this has really effed with my head and I understand it's insecurity. I've never been with a girl like this. She's great and marriage material, but I really need to get my head straight on this.

What do you all think is going on and what can I do? I've really lost patience and now getting anxiety about this.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Well her first guy must have been much smaller and lying about his size. She thought you are 8 or 9 so he must have been saying he was 6 or 7 but was not.

Sounds like she is scared to be vulnerable and has trust issues with sexuality but I am guessing here.

Just don't let it bug you because its here hang up based on her past. Be good to her and it will get better.

[radk98 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close radk98]

Well her first guy must have been much smaller and lying about his size. She thought you are 8 or 9 so he must have been saying he was 6 or 7 but was not.

Sounds like she is scared to be vulnerable and has trust issues with sexuality but I am guessing here.

Just don't let it bug you because its here hang up based on her past. Be good to her and it will get better.

Thanks for your reply and reading all that man.

I'm usually a positive thinker but this one got my head spinning.

She said one time that she hasn't seen very many, but she had seen enough to know mine was big. You have a good point in saying that he could've said his was 6-7. I just get these negative thoughts that his was really 8-9 and she was telling me that to make me feel better.

I've asked her a couple times and the last time I asked her about it she got upset bc she said she told me once already that she's never felt anything like she does with me. However, I convinced myself she was just telling me that not to hurt me.

However, she looked at me with a pretty serious face and told me "I'm just not a sexual person".

It's crazy how fast insecurity can grow in you.

It could very well be her religious upbringing and her father's "saving herself" pressure throughout her life holding her up.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey radk98,

Why are you assuming it has something to do with you? From what you have written the issue(s) seem to stem from her a less than stellar sexual past. It sounds to me like she is still unfamiliar not only with her own sexuality but sex in general. Maybe you should consider picking up a book or two on sexuality and read it together. Help her to help herself.

[CaptainJohnson Retired ModeratorSenior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CaptainJohnson]

It seems to me you guys have a clear problem, and that is there seems to be a disconnect between you two. You want a girl who not just loves you, but lusts after you. Problem is, she seems to have suggested that her emotions for you are not lustful, but of a more compassionate nature.

This is directly connected to the main problem you are having in bed. You feel she doesn't want sex, so you became insecure about it, right? The sex is awkward, so you've searched for reasons why it feels so off. I'm betting that is partly what brought you to this site...

... well, let me state that if she thought you were 8 or 9 inches, you can be pretty sure she doesn't think you are small. Congratulations: your girlfriend thinks you have a porn-star dick. I figure, that can only be a good thing.

So, we've established the problem isn't your dick. Well, what is it, then? While you said sex is awkward, she claims she has experienced orgasms with you. Due to the awkward sex, you don't fully believe it. Personally, I'd say it isn't worth thinking about. Orgasms are not the problem, and they don't make or break good sex. They are nice to have, but they are the bonus, after good sex is established.

I think you should figure out if sex is awkward for her too. Communication is magic for your sex-life. Talk about what turns you both on, and hold a real dialogue (don't just interrogate her on her sexual habits). She might be shy about this subject, but it is up to you to move the talks forward a bit at a time. Learn what parts of the body she likes, and what moves you do she likes. Learn if she is ever worried during sex that she might be doing something wrong. Performance anxiety is the biggest culprit of awkward sex in the world, and it affects women just as much as men.

Remember, she has only been with one other guy. She is inexperienced, and likely hasn't taken the time to consider what she likes in the sack, especially if she was coming from an abusive, controlling relationship. Some girls confuse their own sexual desires with the wants and needs of their partner, and they learn to fear what they want for themselves, due to cultural influence and upbringing. It is up to you to make her feel comfortable, and help her explore that.

EDIT: Just read TPW's post, and I just want to build on that. I have always been a big fan of Nancy Friday's literature, and recently I have been reading "My Secret Garden" again with my girlfriend, a little bit of each chapter before bed. I suggest you do the same, with your girlfriend. I think you can both learn a lot from it, and learn to communicate more as you discuss the book.

[radk98 Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close radk98]

Wow thanks a ton to both of you for your posts! Really awesome you all take the time for that thorough of a response.

One thing I've come to understand is that her definition for the word lust is a little different than mine. She said that it was just an act and someone that didnt even care for her before and with me it's true love. After sex with me she'll cry and tell me how happy she is and she loves me.

The fact that she isn't wanting it that often or didn't even get turned on by me setting the mood, back rubs, candles, comfort and complimenting her, making her feel safe and special, or just taking control and being dominant, I thought it had to be me. See, she thinks lust is wrong in sex but I believe you need a little of Both.

I agree she just isn't in touch with herself and is scared to do so. She told me shes attempted masterbating twice but felt awkward and she also said that she hardly ever has sexual thoughts.

Books are a good suggestion. I just have to figure out how to get her to read with me without her being embarrassed or feeling like something's wrong with her.

I also opened up with her telling her I was feeling inadequate about our sex lives bc of how she reacted. Hopefully that'll help her feel a little more comfortable. It was hard for me to do bc I was showing some insecurity but if it works out it'll be better for our bond in the long run.

Do you all have any suggestions on how to make myself more lustful if that is cause for the disconnect? I'm an athletic guy who is very physically fit and I consider myself attractive.

[CaptainJohnson Retired ModeratorSenior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CaptainJohnson]

Books are a good suggestion. I just have to figure out how to get her to read with me without her being embarrassed or feeling like something's wrong with her.

Do you all have any suggestions on how to make myself more lustful if that is cause for the disconnect? I'm an athletic guy who is very physically fit and I consider myself attractive.

It sounds like she really has some sexual identity issues. That is actually the norm, believe it or not, at that age. Fact is, everyone is fucked up. Men often feel inadequate, and women often feel like the sexual urges they have are somehow wrong.

Don't worry about seeming more seductive or any of that. Instead, talk to her about what actually does turn her on, and what turns you on too. Start that dialogue about what, physically or emotionally, can get her going. If her answer is that nothing turns her on about you, talk to her to see if anything has turned her on before, and what she liked about it.

Let her know this is you, trying to get to know her better, sexually. You are taking an interest in her, and want to share more with her. Don't forget to tell her what turns you on too. That will help her express herself, and understand you.

[the Masquerade Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close the Masquerade]

Wow, I'm really going to be the odd man out and go against the grain with my response.

I don't think talking about the matter with her is going to be the solution to this. This is is not a logical problem but an emotional problem. You can't "feel" your way through math no more than you can talk yourself into loving someone (an example, not saying applicable here). Unless it's a logistical problem with sex (ie, you feel as if your needs aren't being met because of the amount of sex), I think there's something else at play that's far more powerful in nature.

While I can only speak generally since I don't know your girlfriend, women like powerful men. They like a guy who can take control of a situation. That doesn't mean you have to be a douche. I think talking with her about this issue and trying to work it out that way simply can't work. As a man, saying what we want to see and then getting it makes us fall in love more. For women, not so much.

You do need to show more power and control in your relationship. Again, it's unnecessary to be an asshat. But you should be showing, preferably playfully, that you have the ability to be more than a nice guy. Basically, you're like Alfred (Bruce Wayne's butler) and you should be more like Batman. If she's finishing up cooking dinner and you're setting the table, just casually walk back and give her a light smack on the butt. When she asks why you did that, just say something like "Just marking my territory," and give a playful smirk. Then go about your business.

Perhaps when you're out and about again, when you see a decent opportunity with some level of privacy, pull her aside, pin her up against a wall and kiss her deeply for a moment. Then grab her hand and continue on.

Little things like this can give her the same sense that you're a guy who's in control, even though none of it is particularly serious. And that's usually enough.

Having said all this, I do want to propose one more possible outcome. If the two things I mentioned (or things along those lines) just seem outrageous to you, I'm going to tell you something you might as well here now, and I do not relish in it. If you can't muster that for whatever reason on a continuing basis, then this girl is not the girl for you and you ought to let her go. She would not spend 2 years voluntarily in hell unless it had some upside to it. It's my (unprofessional) opinion, but I think she craves that kind of dominant guy. As I said before, dominant does not mean bad per se, but bad guys are often dominant. If it's not in your nature to be that way, you're both going to wind up very dissatisfied. It's better to level with yourself now than put in another 6 months and have it end then for this reason (or worse, you get married and are dissatisfied for the rest of your life).

[CaptainJohnson Retired ModeratorSenior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CaptainJohnson]

-snip-

No offense, but I don't see how simply "being manly" is going to magically wipe away the sexual issues in this girl. I agree that no woman wants a submissive "yes-man". Having confidence and a bit of rebel in you is a good thing, but it isn't the real crux of the issue here. In fact, it could make matters worse if she is completely dependant on her partner's sexual identity, rather than shaping her own.

Here is a perfect example, provided by Toad, of a sexually comfortable woman:

https://www.pegym.com/forums/relatio...ctive-sex.html

This is not radk98's girl. I just want to stress again that we are talking about a sexually inexperienced girl, who is shy about even touching her own clitoris.

Also, we are talking about a relationship, where communication is not just helpful, but necessary. Sexual communication in particular will decide whether or not you'll still be both getting laid in in two years (or 20 years), assuming it is a long term thing. Radk98 has expressed being serious about her. That means talking has to occur some time.

Now for my big question: What is unmanly about communication? I figure, this idea that men don't express themselves is one of the biggest problems we are facing in gender issues at large. I can tell you, Batman sure as hell asked a lot of questions, as the world's greatest detective... Being "macho" solves nothing. Anyone can grab a girl by the hair, pin her down, and jackhammer her pussy like they are breaking cement. It takes a real man to really notice WHAT she wants WHEN she wants it, and that involves communication.

The man with the best communication skills will probably be the best lay. Why? He asked the right questions. More than that, sometimes he knows the answers without even asking. He sees her lips part the slightest bit and trails across them, knowing that while she wants that kiss, teasing her with it and going for a bite on the neck will send a stronger message. He knows that when her eyes open wide and her own voice cuts itself off for a gasp, she isn't looking for "faster, harder", but for "don't stop" and a maintainence of the pace.

This is the man who knows, while his girl is shy about playing with her clit, she would do it with the right motivation. He tells her, "Do it for me, I love to watch." Then, as she lightly strokes herself, He steadily, but forcefully pushes her legs open, grips her wrist tight moving it away, and goes down on her.

radk98, if you want to help your girlfriend open up sexually, it is up to you to help her get there, and how to convince her to take the steps forward. Even then, she just might not be that sexual, as she had said. People are complicated. I have a friend who is orientationally non-sexual. This friend can't be sexually aroused in the slightest, but can work up to an orgasm through physical stimulation. Sometimes, it just is what it is.

[Pegasus AdministratorPE Gym EditorPEGym Hero ☺ Admin of the Month Mar 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close Pegasus]

Any girl that says you have to be 8 or 9", is likely to be more trouble than she is worth.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

I'm not going against the grain or with the grain. I pride myself in being a good judge of character and giving good advice. I've also been wrong,,,,mainly with my own stuff,,,, 'cause first of all I'm a human being (or bean) and secondly,,,it's hard to see things when you are IN THE BOX. You gotta step out and see things differently....that is why therapy was invented (or defined).

Okay,,,,,I'm looking into my crystal ball,,,,back,,,,back,,,,back,,,,,,,when I was just a tyke......back some more (LOL)

At one time, I not only was not interested in sex,,,,,I didn't know about it,,,,nor did or would I have cared at a certain age. Yes I discovered, eventually, my own sexuality at about 7 or 8. Pubic hair, erection, but not any further. I remember when I heard friends talking at about somewhere between 10 and 12 about "how to come"......I knew nothing about it. One fellow said you gotta squeeze it 50 times and then white stuff comes out. I tried it,,,,,nothing. Obviously something eventually did. My point is that we don't just wake up with this sexual appetite that is uncontrollable. We are DIFFERENT DIFFERENT DIFFERENT. Men are different from women too. My ex wife was not sexually aware. Unfortunately I made her that way----I paved the way,,,,,she learned as we went along and then it started snowballing. Your gal is young, and unmarried,,,obviously impressionable.

The question is this: Do you want to stay and develop with her,,,,or are you just looking for an out of the box "completely experience in life" person?? It's your choice and you are still young. I'm not trying to be insensitive,,,,but if you spend time with her and grow with her,,,,she could become your wife,,,,,,or your headache. I don't know you or your gal, but you do. I was always warned against marrying too young by the way. I should have heeded the advice.

One of the best ways to look at things is to "wonder" what things would or wouldn't be like if you stepped out of the situation. Would you or her be crushed? Would it be "oh well life goes on"? You gotta do the math. Include her in also,,,,see how she holds up to "decision time". See how dedicated and loving she is and how she approaches your curiosities. Be open and talk about guy #1 because you are gonna have to live with this and if you can't put it to rest, it's gonna eat away at you. These are the best places to start in my opinion. Good luck and we'll be here! Keep reading and do your PE....... :-)

[icedemon Member Find all posts View Profile Close icedemon]

Confidence is everything bro. I want my penis 1.5 inches longer so I can move into the BIG category instead of just slightly above average *7inches*. That being said my confidence is already pretty high. There's not a woman on this earth that I don't think I can please. I get alot of praise for my bedroom performances but its almost never "you got a big dick" its pretty much always about me being good at everything else. Stroke game, head game, etc. All tho I have been called big before I never actually believe it when I hear it. I just blow it off lol.

[assam Member Find all posts View Profile Close assam]

@ radk98 my wife was once like this except for the kissing part most time the sensitive issue with a woman or sex is hormonal imbalance so you may want to look in to getting her check by a doc also sometimes we men like to try to hard to please or woman and make things worst in bed take your time she fairly new to this also never let a woman that is wife material go take your time with the lady feel her out do what she likes not what you like in bed because they (woman who acts like that) most time get turn off very easy

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

So you've only been together with her for a year and already she's comparing you to her ex boyfriend and guilt tripping you into trying harder to prover yourself to her. RED FLAG! I know she may be seem sweet now, but this is something unhealthy certain types of women do to control the relationship by acting like hurt little damsels in distress for codependent rescuer white knight types. I know this because that's what I just married and divorced, as well as what I had in a handful of exes, and I was that rescuer type.

Relationships are difficult even when you're doing everything right, at times. But constantly having to prove yourself to someone who just finds excuses to tear you down or make you work harder to prove yourself to be good enough for them is just miserable. Like how she seems to be taking unnecessary hits at your self esteem. And the women who pull out this little gem "My ex(s) treated me like shit, but you're special" should be especially avoided. Simply because a lot of them do this to manipulate or control you and then end up leaving you for that ex jerk or new jerk who is the very thing they said they didn't want.

The thing that I warn you about the most is that the honeymoon is the best you're every going to from your relationship. The first 1-2 years of being together, the stage you're in right now. During the honeymoon stage they're is more sex than you're every going to get again, you both are on your best behavior, you have very few problems, and you both live in a fantasy world and talk about "together forever!". But the way it usually works out is you carry this stage on for as long as you can until you start noticing bigger and bigger problems and the differences between you seem more apparent. This isn't a problem so long as you have some friendship to fall back on and problem solving skills, having boundaries and self esteem doesn't hurt either.

The thing is, you're never going to get sex more than you do right now. Because later on life will get in the way and you're not dropping everything to have sex and using it to solve all of your problems. Whoever she is during the other times is who you're going to be stuck with. And if that's a woman who's always tearing you down and comparing you to her ex boyfriend, taking shots at your pride and penis size, and making every excuse to not have sex with you... Well my friend, you just might have a girlfriend that is going to leave you for another bad boy. I hate to say it, but if she really wanted a good man she would be treating you better and having sex with you because she wanted you and because she loves making love to you.

[somebodyelse Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close somebodyelse]

Well her first guy must have been much smaller and lying about his size. She thought you are 8 or 9 so he must have been saying he was 6 or 7 but was not.

Sounds like she is scared to be vulnerable and has trust issues with sexuality but I am guessing here.

Just don't let it bug you because its here hang up based on her past. Be good to her and it will get better.

This is where I came from after reading the first post...

Females are Males with vaginas. Males are Females with penises. Aside from the dick and vag, we're all humans and our emotions and insecurities are EXACTLY the same. Guys come here afraid to pull their dicks out becuase they don't want to be laughed at by a girl. Same can happen for a girl.

I've dealt with a girl who has had self-confidence issues. You have to make it your own goal to learn about her, walk her through the process of having an orgasm and KNOW what one looks like. It's not just what you do with your penis and hands, it's prepping her mentally for it, too. You can talk about how she felt, know what an orgasm feels like to a woman and the different types and know how to cause them or at least trigger them.

Honestly, it's going to boil down to you getting inside her head and understanding her before you can try to make her do anything. get a basic understanding of how she feels about sex, in general. NOT with you, but in general... if you make it personal she's going to pander to your ego. Find out how she feels about sex and you will find your answer about why she doesn't want it much and what you can do to make it more enjoyable to her.

If it turns out your sex drives just don't match, then you probably need to skibobble before it gets to the point where you're complaining about no sex in a marriage.