Settle

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

I was a little reluctant to post this, but due to recent events I think I will. So me and my wife have a different kind of relationship, like a lot of things that are not normally ok, are ok. So I work a lot and she sexts a couple of her old flings, totally cool with that. We move all over the country, the closest one is like, 600 miles away, so there's no chance she's going to act on anything, and before you say why doesn't she do it with me, is because I can't, when I'm away, I don't have a phone so on, but she obviously does this when I'm here as well, again totally cool with that doesn't bother me. But what does is some of their conversations, yes she gave me the phone not a jealous weirdo. So I've only seen like maybe 4 of their conversations, and they're not all sexual, it more or less them chatting shooting the bull. But he really disrespected her, and they stopped talking, until recently he starts talking with her again, and she was totally cool with that, and the way the conversation went, I was dumbfounded. If a conversation between me and her ever went that way she would probably not talk to me for a couple hours, or if I was actually talking with her she'd probably hang up on me, again this was not a sexual conversation, it was a hey haven't talked to you in a while conversation. I'm thinking to myself as I read through it, if this dude can talk to her like this and she is apologizing, but I can't, then obviously she probably just settled for me because I was convenient. Like is that a thing, this isn't the only time I felt like this either. I would like some input from the ladies, am I the butt of this joke.

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

Do I have to put on that old dress to say you're not the butt of any joke? I mean I'd do it if it really meant something to you but then you'd owe me. You are happy in the relationship so stay that way.

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

Lol, describe happy. And you don't have to get all dressed up for me.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

If a conversation between me and her ever went that way she would probably not talk to me for a couple hours, or if I was actually talking with her she'd probably hang up on me, again this was not a sexual conversation, it was a hey haven't talked to you in a while conversation. I'm thinking to myself as I read through it, if this dude can talk to her like this and she is apologizing, but I can't, then obviously she probably just settled for me because I was convenient. Like is that a thing, this isn't the only time I felt like this either. I would like some input from the ladies, am I the butt of this joke.

Not being privy to the actual content of the conversation or what her past interactions with the FWB were like, I'm going to say that my gut reaction isn't that she settled.

From my perspective there are 2 possibilities:
1) She's intimidated by him in some/various ways and that's why she allows him to talk to her like that and will even apologize.
2) They've had a very specific relationship in the past where he was very dominant and she was very submissive and even if it's not a sexual conversation they still slip into those roles when texting.

What I don't see is that there's any reason for you to think that she's settled for you. Hey if you have an ex that you're on good terms with and you two have a specific background where she can call you names and you act like you're placating her, does that mean that you'd rather be with her and you settled for your ex? No, it means you have one specific way of interacting with one person, and another with someone else.

I have female friends that call each other "bitch" and act rude to each other all the time, but if one of their boyfriends tried that he'd be out on his ass.

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

Dam you're good Q, that was exactly their relationship. They had like a whole 50 shades kinda thing going on, and I'm just not that interested in when we got together, she tried I was just to Young and inexperienced to get it. But that being said, it doesn't make me feel better, to get nagged and cursed out over the pettyest of shit, when she'll put up with whatever this dude says. And on occasion put me on the back burner. Which makes me feel kinda like the side guy that has a good job, rather than a husband and father of three. It just gets old.

[6inDongNotForLong Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close 6inDongNotForLong]

Dam you're good Q, that was exactly their relationship. They had like a whole 50 shades kinda thing going on, and I'm just not that interested in when we got together, she tried I was just to Young and inexperienced to get it. But that being said, it doesn't make me feel better, to get nagged and cursed out over the pettyest of shit, when she'll put up with whatever this dude says. And on occasion put me on the back burner. Which makes me feel kinda like the side guy that has a good job, rather than a husband and father of three. It just gets old.

First off, in my opinion, if she's having sexual talks with other men, run for the hills.
Infidelity in any sorts isn't okay.

You want to get that sort of "dominant respect"? Then I'd push to tell her to cut off the sexual talk with the other guys and start it with you or you're gone.

It blows my mind how many men will let their woman walk over them and do whatever they please, regardless if you say it doesn't bother you, I think it does.

My girlfriend has some aspects of "control" that I dislike, putting me in uncomfortable situations around her exes and shit like that. I refuse and she gets mad, we are equal people with women, no sex is better, but you are a man and you should put off a strong "lead" role.

That's just my 2 pennies.

but I'm a 22 year old guy, so I've got limited experience.

[TheZZWoman Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZWoman]

So I've only seen like maybe 4 of their conversations, and they're not all sexual, it more or less them chatting shooting the bull. But he really disrespected her, and they stopped talking, until recently he starts talking with her again, and she was totally cool with that, and the way the conversation went, I was dumbfounded. If a conversation between me and her ever went that way she would probably not talk to me for a couple hours, or if I was actually talking with her she'd probably hang up on me, again this was not a sexual conversation, it was a hey haven't talked to you in a while conversation. I'm thinking to myself as I read through it, if this dude can talk to her like this and she is apologizing, but I can't, then obviously she probably just settled for me because I was convenient.

Q has a great perspective on this.

For a different perspective - If you disrespected her, that would be hurtful and that's why you cannot get away with it. If he does, it is just not that important to her and therefor it is a short term spat. It is always more hurtful when you care about someone instead of someone that means nothing to you. I was once told that the closest emotion to Love is anger. Someone you don't care about can't anger you any where near someone you Love can.

With you, it's personal. With him not so much - Just my two cents!

[Ravenously Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Ravenously]

Hate.

Hate and love are the same, one is a negative interpretation of emotion tbe other a positive. They contain equal parts joy and pain.

Anger is a replacement emotion, usually used to replace pain or emotions that contain pain like shame, fear and sadness.

Indifference is the opposite of love and hate.

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

6in, I'm a bit older, we've been married for 10 years, 3 kids, there's no running for the hills. And I'm truly unaffected by whatever they had or do, it's the way they talk, and of course when I get put on the back burner. But definitely if I was feeling this way in a less permanent position I would have been gone.
ZZW, you kinda hit it pretty good as well, she openly acknowledges his inability to commit, and she uses this agreement more or less to satisfy her need to masturbate, she doesn't like porn, finds it to fake, she likes the women's sex novels but again, not as quick as a couple messages to an old bf. I can see how he's disposable, it just gets under my skin, I bust my ass do all the right things, and all this dude has to do is be there.

[TheZZWoman Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZWoman]

6in, I'm a bit older, we've been married for 10 years, 3 kids, there's no running for the hills. And I'm truly unaffected by whatever they had or do, it's the way they talk, and of course when I get put on the back burner. But definitely if I was feeling this way in a less permanent position I would have been gone.
ZZW, you kinda hit it pretty good as well, she openly acknowledges his inability to commit, and she uses this agreement more or less to satisfy her need to masturbate, she doesn't like porn, finds it to fake, she likes the women's sex novels but again, not as quick as a couple messages to an old bf. I can see how he's disposable, it just gets under my skin, I bust my ass do all the right things, and all this dude has to do is be there.

And there you have the real issue. You say you don't mind her messaging these guys but it truly does bother you. IMO she should get all her satisfaction from you. There are many different opinions on what is considered cheating - where to draw that line. I think you have just discovered your line.

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

I can see that, it's not the act, it getting away with so much for putting in so little, like you and Q said, obviously ppl talk to one another differently, and he's disposable so she can let more slide to pacify him for her benefit. This is just me venting about this cause I got a lot going on and can't seem to get a break. I understand your feelings of a man and woman, we live like this because there are times when I am away and out of touch for extended periods of time. And I totally understand the need for a release,or change of scenery, I look at it like interactive porn. Also I'm fully aware that I can't give her what she gets from these interactions, sexting and dirty talk really aren't my thing, I'm kinda timid in the bedroom, I'm more of a slower sensual kinda guy, so I can see where reliving these acts and talking through it is really exciting for her. I just don't like getting nagged to death and scrutinized over every detail of our daily life lol, so I'm just a little jealous what is good for some is not for others, but then again, she probably wouldn't have any body to talk to if they got the same treatment.

[theGOAT Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close theGOAT]

She doesnt respect you enough as a man and you have a lot of blame for that

[CUSP82 Administrator Admin of the Month Dec 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close CUSP82]

She doesnt respect you enough as a man and you have a lot of blame for that

Really? How so?

[akga80 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close akga80]

Hell you maybe right, idk, I consider myself easy-going and very non conflict, I don't yell or push buttons, so I guess I can be a push over, but I did figure out the root cause of my animosity is in fact her apology. I can't think off the top of my head her ever apologizing to me, and she's been a world class asshole to me before for no reason. So I think seeing her in that apologetic state really pissed me off.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

I think you have 2 separate issues here.

One is the difference in her attitude/demeanor with this guy. You said they have a very strong dom/sub type of relationship, and from what else you've said it seems like she has a very strong personality with you, so seeing her behave in a way that's so completely unlike her behaviour with you is no doubt going to throw you off guard a bit.

But it also looks like there's an issue with you feeling like she doesn't respect or value you, and I think that's probably the bigger one.