Sexually molested and raped as a child

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

I was sexually molested and raped as a child. When I was first introduced to porn, I naturally gravitated towards the hardcore stuff. I really liked watching anal, surely because of my rape experience(s). It's crazy but sometimes I imagine myself as the woman in the anal scenes. However, this only happens if I watch porn. I think my brain is fucked up because of my rape and porn wiring. All those years created some sick wiring in my brain. I have also never had a relationship with a woman, sexual or otherwise, and I'm now 21 years old.

When I stop watching porn completely and go out to interact with women, all of this disappears. I start fantasizing about women in a normal and healthy way. I never see myself as the one being fucked so to speak. But insecurities about my penis size sometimes put me in a depressed and one could say masochistic state. My porn addiction fuels those thoughts. I don't consider myself gay, because I've never found myself attracted to guys in the real world. While I can look at a guy and find him handsome, I've never thought of wanting some dude more than a girl. It's only when I'm at home, depressed, and caught in the porn addiction of watching anal that I somehow trigger my brain back to those old rape memories. That's when I begin to imagine myself as the one getting drilled in the ass.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. Have you had any real life help to deal with your trauma?

Stay away from porn and def hard-core stuff, that will do you no favours.

And your right fantasies do not make you gay.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. Have you had any real life help to deal with your trauma?

Stay away from porn and def hard-core stuff, that will do you no favours.

And your right fantasies do not make you gay.

I was about 6 years old the first time I was molested by my cousin (not raped, just molested). My older brother resorted to beating me when he found out along with my family. The other incident happend at 9 years of age and it was by a neighbour. This time I was actually raped, but for a very brief amount of time. Afterwards I just stopped going to the neighbour's place. While I somehow hinted to my mom that something happend, she got so upset and scared that I immediately regretted bringing it up. Therefore I never discussed it with her again.

Honestly, after all those years I just learned to deal with it on my own. Both my neighbour and cousin were probably victims of molestation themselves. While I don't condone what they did and it's unfortunate they will never see justice by law, I still forgive them and wish them the best. For somebody to do something like that to a child, imagine the tormented life they must be living. That surely should be punishment enough.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

How old was your cousin at the time? Child himself?

You can still report these crimes to the police. It's good to forgive but people should be punished for breaking our laws. I dont believe their own guilt is punishment enough.

A lot of families take the stance of pretending nothing has happened in these situations but that doesn't mean you have to now.

Talking to expert may help.

May I ask where you are from? And do you still live at home?

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

Maybe just have a look at male rape and abuse free support services online?? I have read some of the women ones can be not great for supporting men which is wrong. I've look up this one from the UK

Survivors UK – Male Rape and Sexual Abuse Support

survivorsuk.org

Ways we can help

If you have been subjected to male rape or sexual abuse, one of your biggest challenges will be taking the decision to talk to someone. At Survivors UK we know this can seem an enormous and daunting step. Anxiety and fear are among the most common emotions experienced by the abused. But these feelings do become easier and people can, and do, successfully go on to explore their past and its links with today in making sense of recurring problems. We offer emotional support by our Chat Service and SMS and we’ll do our best to point you in the right direction.

I'm also hear anytime for you tho I have no training in this matter.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

How old was your cousin at the time? Child himself?

You can still report these crimes to the police. It's good to forgive but people should be punished for breaking our laws. I dont believe their own guilt is punishment enough.

A lot of families take the stance of pretending nothing has happened in these situations but that doesn't mean you have to now.

Talking to expert may help.

May I ask where you are from? And do you still live at home?

At the time my cousin was probably around 18 years or older, not sure. It didn't even happen in my current country of living so it can not be reported. I'm located in Europe which is where the second rape happend, but I have no interest in reporting it. I feel it would just bring up hurtful memories and amount to unnecessary confrontation. Besides, I have a hard time imagining any repercussions almost 11 years after the incident.

You're right, my family pretended that nothing happend. Unfortunately, I had to suppress this stuff throughout my childhood. Surely it would've been helpful if I had been able to talk it out with someone. Now at 21 years of age, I don't see the need of talking to an expert. While I might consider doing it further down the line, I'm also more emotionally stable now. For instance, the other day I just cried all alone in my appartment. Afterwards, I opened my laptop and wrote down my thoughts and feelings in a word sheet. It felt really good to allow the emotions to pass through me without having to suppress them. Lately I find myself very connected to my emotions, perhaps partly due to meditation which is a recent habit I have developed.

By the way, I didn't cry about the rape. The reason I cried is because I was recently rejected by a girl. It's perhaps also the reason why I'm on this site as it might've triggered my insecurities about my penis.

[closed251 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close closed251]

We all get rejected sooner or later. It's hard but just think she saved your time.

No shame in crying. I have a hard time crying but when I do, I always feel better for it.

[Vitex Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Vitex]

Sounds like you got more than enough on your plate that needs addressing before penile health, my friend. Have you seeked any professional counseling or psychotherapy to explore this traumatic experience? Where's your neighbor, cousin, and brother right now? Are you safe?

[TheZZWoman Senior Member Member of the Month Jan 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close TheZZWoman]

I am amazed that at 21 you have forgiven and even feel sorry for your predators. You are right though, they have probably been victims of their own sexual violence in their past. At least you are intelligent enough to understand it was wrong and move forward in your life.

Porn is not healthy for anyone, even someone who has not gone through trauma as you have. I understand your fascination with it though, you are probably watching and wondering why. I hope you know that the act had nothing to do with you or sexual pleasure, more about control and feeling powerful by making you feel powerless. Much like a bully who to make themselves feel better will knock someone else down except this is an extreme case. To me it sounds like what you seek is closure and since getting closure from them is probably not feasible you seek it through trying to understand how this could happen and why the people in your life couldn't protect you. I am sure on some level you are probably a little angry with your mother for not seeing what she couldn't bare to see or not hearing what she couldn't bear to hear. This is probably very conflicting for you as you love your mother and believe she has your best interest at heart.

Most people have some sort of sexual insecurity but you really need to consider that yours stems from this traumatic experience in you life and that talking with a professional can help you see just how it is affecting you. It can help you move forward in a healthy way by understanding and perhaps getting the closure that you want.

You will find peace some day. No, you never completely forget, but you will find strength in your experience and realize that because you have conquered this battle, you can conquer any battle that comes your way. As far as perusing legal action that is a personal decision. For some, it helps to find peace and closure, and then by all means take it to the law, but if it will only cause more harm then good for you, as you have stated, and only dredge up your 9 year old self then find your closure and peace another way.

I know right now you can never see a day when you will be able to talk about this openly with your family, but know that a lot changes with time and some day they will listen and their eyes will be opened and they will support and love you just like you always wanted. They will be proud of the man you have become despite their self inflicted blindness.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

We all get rejected sooner or later. It's hard but just think she saved your time.

No shame in crying. I have a hard time crying but when I do, I always feel better for it.

She's in my class and I became really infatuated with her. Seeing as how I've never been with a woman, I find myself getting attached to women very quickly. She was flirting with me and looking at me in class very often. She gave me a hug and it was always a pleasure talking to her. Then when I told her that I valued the time I spent talking to her, she responded with something that made my stomach turn. She said: "That's very beautifully said, I enjoy talking to you to. But I have a boyfriend whom I live with and whom I love very much. Therefore I'm not interested in anything more than a friendship."

The reason this made me cry is because my feelings for her, although I don't know her very well, are very much real. However, to her I was just some flirt that she had on the side for the sake of excitement. I cried because I want to know what it feels to feel so strongly about someone, and to have that feeling be mutual.

However, keep in mind that I never dated this girl. Perhaps if we actually went on a date and got to know each other better, the infatuation would fall off seeing as I currently more or less have an idolized version of her in my mind. It's also possible that she didn't just use me for the sake of excitement. Honestly, I think it's very likely that she might have feelings for me and that she acted on those feelings in seemingly innocent ways, but little did she know that I was very vulnerable to those ways.

All of this feels like a diary entry, it's really dopey stuff. Sometimes you just need to write things out so you can think more clearly. For instance, I need to let go of this dopey thinking and focus on my studies, PE as well as building and strengthening other relationships in my life. On top of that I need to value my overall health wellbeing. Lastly, I need to build stronger personal boundaries so I don't fall head over heel for women whom I haven't even dated yet.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

Sounds like you got more than enough on your plate that needs addressing before penile health, my friend. Have you seeked any professional counseling or psychotherapy to explore this traumatic experience? Where's your neighbor, cousin, and brother right now? Are you safe?

Yes, I'm safe. Thanks for worrying about me but I have long since moved past this traumatic experience. Although I can't argue against professional counseling, that could certainly help.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

I am amazed that at 21 you have forgiven and even feel sorry for your predators. You are right though, they have probably been victims of their own sexual violence in their past. At least you are intelligent enough to understand it was wrong and move forward in your life.

Porn is not healthy for anyone, even someone who has not gone through trauma as you have. I understand your fascination with it though, you are probably watching and wondering why. I hope you know that the act had nothing to do with you or sexual pleasure, more about control and feeling powerful by making you feel powerless. Much like a bully who to make themselves feel better will knock someone else down except this is an extreme case. To me it sounds like what you seek is closure and since getting closure from them is probably not feasible you seek it through trying to understand how this could happen and why the people in your life couldn't protect you. I am sure on some level you are probably a little angry with your mother for not seeing what she couldn't bare to see or not hearing what she couldn't bear to hear. This is probably very conflicting for you as you love your mother and believe she has your best interest at heart.

Most people have some sort of sexual insecurity but you really need to consider that yours stems from this traumatic experience in you life and that talking with a professional can help you see just how it is affecting you. It can help you move forward in a healthy way by understanding and perhaps getting the closure that you want.

You will find peace some day. No, you never completely forget, but you will find strength in your experience and realize that because you have conquered this battle, you can conquer any battle that comes your way. As far as perusing legal action that is a personal decision. For some, it helps to find peace and closure, and then by all means take it to the law, but if it will only cause more harm then good for you, as you have stated, and only dredge up your 9 year old self then find your closure and peace another way.

I know right now you can never see a day when you will be able to talk about this openly with your family, but know that a lot changes with time and some day they will listen and their eyes will be opened and they will support and love you just like you always wanted. They will be proud of the man you have become despite their self inflicted blindness.

Pretty much everything you have stated is on point in regards to my conflicting feelings towards my mother and my ongoing need for closure. Just the other day I imagined running into my neighbour and telling him how much his actions hurt me.

My mother did the best she could, she can not protect me from everything. I don't have any interest in talking about this stuff openly with my family, but I don't fear doing that either. My family and I are a lot more open and communicative nowadays which is truly remarkable.

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

One common and depressive thought throughout my childhood reemerged after I was rejected by this girl. I thought to myself that I don't deserve her, that she avoided a bullet by choosing somebody else over me. Had she chosen me, our children would be born with small penises and they would live a life of shame, always being ridiculed in locker rooms. I imagine a scenario where she would've chosen me and we would go on to start a family. Then I imagine our future children going to a locker room together with male members from her family. There they would understand and come to hate the genetics that I provided them with.

I realize that this is a highly irrational thought, there's freaking more to this beautiful life than the size of your penis!

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

It's tragic to hear about the trauma you suffered as an innocent child from your family and then again, from a neighbor, Zyxcix. What they did to you was not only abhorrent, it was criminal. The legacy of generational sexual abuse within families is well documented, but that doesn't assuage the pain & suffering of victims, like you.

There are 2 immediate things you should do to begin the healing process:
\
1) STOP watching PORN. PORN just continues to make you relive the pain & shame that you suffered, which further increases your anxiety and DESTROYS YOUR CONFIDENCE as a man, impeding your ability (mentally) to ever reverse the depression, fear & pain you suffered. It will be difficult to do, since you admit you're addicted to PORN, but it's genuinely causing you further emotional torment, pain & paranoia wrt your own body image & childhood. PORN magnifies your anxiety, and causes you to spiral out of control emotionally. QUIT PORN, COLD TURKEY! It's your first step toward recovery!

2) Seek a professional counselor or psychologist specializing in sexual abuse. Trained psychologists can help you deal with your emotional instability and help you rebuild your sexual confidence. They can help you forgive those who directly abused you as well as your mother, who ignored your pleas for help. There's solace in coming to terms with your emotions wrt those you loved that should have protected you, yet abandoned you in your time of need as a young boy. NONE of what happened to you was your fault, nor was it justified in ANY WAY! Regaining your self-worth and confidence is VITAL to becoming the man you were intended to be. There's no shame in seeking therapy to help make this life-changing decision a reality.

Stay here on the forums and continue to post. That can be an important part of your therapy, too. Guys here are willing to help you. Thank you for having the courage to share your pain with us, & Thank you for joining the Gym!

[Zyxciz Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Zyxciz]

It's tragic to hear about the trauma you suffered as an innocent child from your family and then again, from a neighbor, Zyxcix. What they did to you was not only abhorrent, it was criminal. The legacy of generational sexual abuse within families is well documented, but that doesn't assuage the pain & suffering of victims, like you.

There are 2 immediate things you should do to begin the healing process:
\
1) STOP watching PORN. PORN just continues to make you relive the pain & shame that you suffered, which further increases your anxiety and DESTROYS YOUR CONFIDENCE as a man, impeding your ability (mentally) to ever reverse the depression, fear & pain you suffered. It will be difficult to do, since you admit you're addicted to PORN, but it's genuinely causing you further emotional torment, pain & paranoia wrt your own body image & childhood. PORN magnifies your anxiety, and causes you to spiral out of control emotionally. QUIT PORN, COLD TURKEY! It's your first step toward recovery!

2) Seek a professional counselor or psychologist specializing in sexual abuse. Trained psychologists can help you deal with your emotional instability and help you rebuild your sexual confidence. They can help you forgive those who directly abused you as well as your mother, who ignored your pleas for help. There's solace in coming to terms with your emotions wrt those you loved that should have protected you, yet abandoned you in your time of need as a young boy. NONE of what happened to you was your fault, nor was it justified in ANY WAY! Regaining your self-worth and confidence is VITAL to becoming the man you were intended to be. There's no shame in seeking therapy to help make this life-changing decision a reality.

Stay here on the forums and continue to post. That can be an important part of your therapy, too. Guys here are willing to help you. Thank you for having the courage to share your pain with us, & Thank you for joining the Gym!

Thank you, you've all been very supportive and I appreciate you hearing me out.