Why Can't She Come?

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I'm looking for some advice on how to help my girlfriend achieve her first orgasm.

I have tried all the tips and tricks, bought her a powerful Hitachi Magic Wand with the rabbit attachment and a smaller penis vibrator, I know exactly where her clitoris and G-spot are, I can reach her service with me penis, and I always lick her until she's shuttering with delight. I know how to give a woman an orgasm, I just can't seem to give her one.

I just finished a "ladies night" with her where I spent the better part of two hours eating her out, fingering her, and having sex with her for her pleasure to no avail. I'm starting to consider couple's sex counseling to see if there's something I can he doing for her or some exercises she can do to help herself, because I really want to help her have an orgasm.

We talked about this before she left and she said she distracts herself when she gets close. So we tried some concentration exercises while fingering her and she got the insanely close, like she was gripping onto the sheets for dear life but just couldn't finish.

I don't know what could be causing this. It may or may not be related to her experience of being statutory rape/molested she experienced as a child, but she doesn't seem to think so. I have reassured her that if she wants to talk to a therapist about this I will go with her but she's not up for it.

Any advice from the women or married men would help.

[closed177 Member Find all posts View Profile Close closed177]

Can she do it alone if she uses a vibrator and perhaps some porn of her choosing? Some number of women simply can't orgasm but it may be that she's a little tense, and if you're making a big deal of trying to help her get there, she may feel pressured. I would encourage her to explore her body and use the toys by herself and see if she becomes more comfortable with it.

Also, is she on an SSRI or any other medication? Because that can completely prevent it.

[Jay1983 Senior MemberMember of the Month Apr 2014, Sept 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Jay1983]

We talked about this before she left and she said she distracts herself when she gets close. So we tried some concentration exercises while fingering her and she got the insanely close, like she was gripping onto the sheets for dear life but just couldn't finish.

Although visual/audio stimuli can be great, it seems she might need to learn to focus more on the pleasures of physical stimuli.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

She's never had an orgasm, though she does regularly masturbate with and without toys. I go out of my way to make her feel comfortable and remove any stress of her needing to orgasm.

The only medicine she is on is a birth control implant in her arm.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Although visual/audio stimuli can be great, it seems she might need to learn to focus more on the pleasures of physical stimuli.

That's exactly what we did.

[proactive Senior MemberMember of the Month ? 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close proactive]

I know with current girlfriend this was a similar problem. She was married for years with no vaginal orgasms. Screwed around after divorce no orgasms. Finally with her previous boyfriend she was able to orgasm from penetration. I think once or twice.

So during our no sex just play stage for like six months. It would take a very long time to get her off. Hours, and sometimes not at all. The more comfortable she has become with me the easier time she has cumming.

Now during sex, (that is if we still had it, LOL) she has multiple orgasms. Usually she gets to the point of not wanting anymore.

So for her the key in my opinion is two things. Feeling secure/comfortable enough with her partner and learning her own body better. Connecting the pleasure to the orgasm and not blocking it.

Good luck

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I also have to add that I haven't had an orgasm with her once. I would to come with her but I don't want to make her feel left out so I don't. I also frequently lose my erections with her when we have sex but she doesn't mind. We're both a little out of shape and masturbate too hard, but I could stand to lose some weight, start running again, and lay off the masturbation and hardcore PE.

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

I also have to add that I haven't had an orgasm with her once. I would to come with her but I don't want to make her feel left out so I don't. I also frequently lose my erections with her when we have sex but she doesn't mind. We're both a little out of shape and masturbate too hard, but I could stand to lose some weight, start running again, and lay off the masturbation and hardcore PE.

Sounds like you're BOTH wound WAAAY too up-tight (emotionally) & trying too hard. Relaxation is KEY! Try making an entire day out of it! Begin with some some aromatherapy & a hot leisurely bubble bath together, surround the tub with candles and some healthy snacks like fruit & some champagne or Mimosas. Follow that with a long non-sexual massage, then some playful & long sexual foreplay (with no pressure to climax), followed by penetration (when the time is right). That is the way she'll most likely achieve orgasm on her own; so don't initiate sex with orgasm as an "objective"...just focus on "pampering yourselves" & let it happen.

I know it sounds cliche, but I agree with proactive... being more comfortable & relaxed sexually, without orgasm as an "objective" might provide just the spark needed to set her afire... then allowing that to spiral into an "inferno" of desire!

...maybe I should write Romance novels....

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Thanks for the advice, Jock.

You should check out the book "Dangerous Men; Adventurous Women." It's a book about how to write romance novels written by romance novelists. It teaches you how to develop the one dimensional female protagonist and the bad boy character she falls for at the end. It's basically instructions for creating the chase in a novel. It's not really applicable to deeper relationships, and the novelists explain why at the end, but you can use some of the advice to spice up your relationship. It's kind of like pick artist advice for married men that you can use to sweep your wife off her feet by showing her that you can act like the hero in a romantic novel.

[Qandisa Senior Member Member of the Month March 2016 Find all posts View Profile Close Qandisa]

I also have to add that I haven't had an orgasm with her once. I would to come with her but I don't want to make her feel left out so I don't. I also frequently lose my erections with her when we have sex but she doesn't mind. We're both a little out of shape and masturbate too hard, but I could stand to lose some weight, start running again, and lay off the masturbation and hardcore PE.

Okay I see a couple of potential issues:
1) She might not like that feeling of losing control, which is exactly what happens when you orgasm. Which could be related to her childhood experiences, or might not be. But especially if she's getting really close and gripping sheets it sounds to me like there's some part of her that's struggling to maintain control. If she can't even reach that point on her own then this is definitely a possibility.
2) If she's out of shape then she might be self-conscious about her body, and her sexual appeal. This might be especially concerning to her if you're not achieving orgasm when you're with her - she might feel like she's not attractive/appealing enough for you and that can unintentionally add stress.
3) Related to #2, if she knows that you're intentionally not reaching orgasm with her because you want to do it "together" then that's definitely going to add stress to the situation, and make her less likely to fully relax or be able to orgasm herself.

I CAN orgasm, but I don't through intercourse alone. My BF is not an oral guy AT ALL, so that's not an available avenue for us. We've used a bullet cock ring on occasion, which really worked well, but unless we're doing something like that then I don't orgasm when we have sex. But I still really enjoy it, and if didn't orgasm when we were together I'd feel like there was something wrong, either with me or what I was doing. And if I knew that he was holding back and deliberately not orgasming because he wasn't going to if I didn't then I'd feel in a way like I was being punished for something I couldn't do. Kind of a "fine, if you're not going to then I'm not either!" type of a thing. It would be very stressful.

[SnapperLapper Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close SnapperLapper]

I think Qandisa nailed it. It's likely she can't focus enough, and can't relax enough to orgasm. Some women are just that way. I wish there was some magical formula to fix it for them, but holding out your own orgasm even after it's clear she isn't getting hers just exacerbates the problem. It just adds unneeded pressure, in my opinion. To be totally relaxed means no pressure. My wife has trouble getting there for the reasons mentioned, especially 2 and 3. When she does get there..., she EXPLODES big time, squirting everywhere. What women don't understand, for the most part, is that most men want nothing more than to give their woman the ultimate pleasure, and it can make a man question his own sexual abilities. It really is on them if you are doing everything you can, and it's still not working. It always helps to overcome if there is sufficient communication, but that means that both have to be completely vulnerable and open. Some women (and men alike) have way too much trouble opening up like that. Repression is the enemy of a really good sex life.

[Portcitynt Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Portcitynt]

I'll add a couple notes.
My wife was lightly molested by her step dad, and that has definitely messed her up sexually. She can orgasm in every way, but she is a little slow to get there.
One thing that makes her cum every time is when she feels me coming inside her...bam gets it done every time, so id at least try that.
.....if all else fails, put it in her butt lol.

[KMWylie Senior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close KMWylie]

I would definitely recommend counselling. The fact that she gets so close, but can't let go doesn't seem like a physical problem. So, talking to a mental health professional would be my first step.

In the meantime... You've gone really above and beyond in trying to help her - including foregoing your own orgasm. Although this is incredibly sweet, it may actually be having the opposite effect you were going for, and actually be putting more pressure on her.

She may not even think about it consciously, but subconsciously some part of her may be thinking... "Oh, sex again. I'm not going to be able to orgasm. And then he won't orgasm and lose his erection and now neither of us will be happy..."

I could see that you not orgasming may actually be putting some self-doubt in her mind. I'm sure she wants to please you, as much as you want to please her.

So, you may want to reconsider your no orgasm policy. Of course, talk to her about it first - I mean, if she says (or seems to imply) that she doesn't think it's fair that you get to orgasm and she doesn't - well then carry on with your current plan. However, I would think that knowing my orgasm is the make or break for MrKimberly... yeah, that would be added pressure.

However, there likely is something else beyond that that started the problem. Whether it's a control issue - a fear issue - some deep-seeded "good girls don't enjoy sex" issue... a mental health professional can help her work through that, and give you tools to help her.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

The thing is I'm not avoiding my orgasms with her, I just can't come. I think it may be cause by me taking my SSRI again after taking weeks off from it. I can get hard but I go soft with her and lose my erections frequently. That's where all the foreplay comes in because I keep her going at all times.

Just throwing this out there, last night I tried one of those miracle fruit pills before eating her out. It worked! When I was licking her I could only taste sweet flavors. But while I was licking her I had her eating a chocolate bar at the same time for a heightened experience. That's the kind of stuff I do with her.

[cotto007 Senior Member Member of the Month Feb 2018 Find all posts View Profile Close cotto007]

You could maybe buy her a new handbag or purse, or give her excess to your credit card details.. that might work lol

On a serious note you have already got some great advice here. One thing we know about orgasm is that it tends to shy under pressure. Maybe a period of no orgasm might take a bit of pressure off. A quote from the late great Bruce Lee - "Its like a finger pointing to the moon.. don't stare at the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory".. Try not to get obsessed and focused on that one thing. It will come naturally when unexpected. I notice when I tease my wife with text messages all day while she is at work, you know filthy chat about what I'm going to do to her that night. That normally gets her in a state of arousal, then I have little work to do, as she is already half way there.. Its all in the mind.