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I thought this was funny.
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I've been holding on to this tongue in cheek exercise thing I have here for a while. I wrote it a while ago late at night when I was just mucking around and feeling silly. I've decided to post it now so without further ado I present:
The Advanced Sphincter Grip Jelq Technique for size and hardness
Pre Requisites: a partner with a normal healthy sphincter. The sphincter gripper's muscle strength can be prepared beforehand with 100 3-5 second kegels a day, increasing by 10 kegels a day for two weeks. Regular bowel movements should be encouraged as an opportunity to perform reverse kegels under load.
Supplements: all bran 150g, slippery elm extract 1 tblsp, betroot juice 2 cups (optional)
Procedure:
15 minute warm up using a rice sock or vaginal enclosure (if available). Alternatively, rice socks can be applied, but the gripper will need preconditioning if you decide to also warm their jelqing pipe (optional)
Apply an appropriate lube to your penis and the sphincter, which should now be positioned in front of you in the 9 o'clock position.
Start the sphincter grip jelq by bringing the sphincter muscles up to the base of the shaft while the sphincter gripper performs a neutrally balanced kegel.
A balanced kegel is held between a normal kegel and reverse kegel, and the same muscles are used as when you do a normal sphincter relaxation movement. You should find the sphincter grip jelq will become more comfortable as you practice the balanced kegel.
When the sphincter grip has been brought to the shaft base in the O position, firmly clap against the gripper's left buttock with your right hand to indicate that the grip should now be changed to the contracted x shape, where-by the gripper performs a standard kegel. You can alternate the clapping hand and buttock cheek of the changing grip shape and jelq motion indicator to ensure an even balance.
Jelq the contracted sphincter down the shaft, maintaining an even motion and pressure. You should feel the blood being massaged along the shaft and ballooning the glans. The gripper may be able to assess this ballooning effect. Two strokes counts as one rep, and each rep should be about a 10 second duration. A heavy outward breath can be used by either participant to indicate the O shaped sphincter grip is to be reapplied at the shaft base.
As this technique is mastered, aim to have the contracted x grip shape reapplied as quick as possible. After a few weeks of practice and conditioning, an advanced variation is to have the upper thighs of the jelqer perform the changing grip and jelq motion indicator signal by way of slapping against the gripper's buttocks.
Increase the SG Jelqs gradually each day, and remember to watch your PIs. When the set has been completed the participants may change roles if suitable. If one partner is equipped with the female reproductive configuration, a strap on penis equivalent may be applied so that the jelqee from the previous set can practice their balanced kegels and the sphincter grip jelq technique. This revolutionary dual person exercise may even be performed by two non-penile equipped jelqers, and an improvement in their jelqing pipe's strength and vascularity should be apparent with its continued application.
This is an advanced technique for advanced PE'ers, and even then you should start a sphincter grip jelq routine of no more than 30 reps. The jelquee may find that they experience proximity to the PONR. If this happens, you may appeal to the Diety of your choice, and continue slowly through the exercise until your penis understands that this is exercise time and not play time.
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I heard at Penn State you can now major in minors?
If an old lady who likes younger guys are called cougars then older men who like young boys must be called a NITTANY LION.
And let's see if anybody can answer this one - rep points if you can get it right - Does a tree that falls in a forest with nobody around make a sound?Comment
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Sound - Wikipedia, the free encyclopediaOriginally posted by PEskeptic View Post
Yes. Sound exists whether it is heard or not. Just likes crimes are committed without a witness... or many other things.Sound is a mechanical wave that is an oscillation of pressure transmitted through a solid, liquid, or gas, composed of frequencies within the range of hearing and of a level sufficiently strong to be heard, or the sensation stimulated in organs of hearing by such vibrations.[1]Comment
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I have a better one: If a man says something and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?Originally posted by PEskeptic View PostComment
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Lol. If a man washes the dishes and no woman witnessed it, did it really happen?Originally posted by Padawan787 View PostComment
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A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant...
do you have that new book out for men with short penises, I can't remember the title?
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."
I've got a Tiger by the tail.Comment
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Acute Alcoholic An attractive drunk
Adolescence Age between puberty and adultery
Alcoholic A person you don't like who drinks as much as you do
Anatomy Something that everybody has but looks better on a girl
Avalanche A mountain getting its rocks off
Bachelor apartment A wildlife sanctuary
Bigamist A person who has loved two well
Bikini A bare trap
Brothel sprouts Children of a madam
cad Man who refuses to help his date with the breakfast dishes
Cherry cobbler A virgin shoemaker
Chiseler Man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party
Clear conscience Poor memory
Condom Article to be worn on every conceivable occasion
Conversation piece A girl who likes to talk in bed
Difficult age When she's too old to be a Brownie and too young to be a Bunny
Ecstasy Something that happens between the scotch and soda and the bacon and eggs
Erogenous zone The skin you love to touch...
Experience Knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again
Fornication Adultery without benefit of clergy
Genius A nudist with a memory for faces
Happiness Finding the owner of a lost bikini
Henpecked Husband who needs to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile
Homosexual A man's man
Incest A sport the whole family can enjoy
Jamaica Question a man is asked when he comes back from a date
Kiss An application for a better position
Lesbians Bosom buddies
Lover's leap Distance between twin beds
Maiden aunt Girl who never had sense enough to say "uncle."
Masochism The agony of ecstasy
Minute-man A fellow who double-parks in front of a house of ill repute
Money A poor man's credit card
Nymphomania A disease in which the patient enjoys being bedridden
Old age A time when a man sees a pretty girl and it arouses memory instead of anything else
Panic The second time you discover you can't do it the first time
Potholder What you don't want to be when the police arrive
Powder What a cad takes if his girlfriend forgets her pill
Psychologist A man who watches everybody else when a beautiful girl enters the room
Pylon What a nymphomaniac might say at a nude beach party
Salesman Guy who can make his girlfriend feel sorry for the chick who lost her bra in his car
Sex The most fun you can have without laughing
Shebang A girl who can't say no
Snow job Something a man uses to defrost a woman
Suburb Where a man will lend you his wife but not his golf clubs
Tease Girl who is always thinking of a man's happiness, and how to prevent it
Wife Woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had he stayed single
Wife swapping Sexual four-play
Zebra The largest size a woman can buy
I've got a Tiger by the tail.Comment
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blond lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......'
I've got a Tiger by the tail.Comment
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How do you get a pikachu onto a bus...... PokemonComment
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Last edited by Toadstool; 04-09-2012, 08:41 AM."Know the rules well, so that you may properly break them" - The Dalai Lama
Do not criticize the seed for not yet being a tree.
Character is destiny - Sigmund Freud
As long as I have breath in my lungs, I will make this happenComment
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