A Laugh for the Forum

[MrB8 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close MrB8]

Difference Between Love, Lust And Marriage:

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.




LOVE - When intercourse is called "making Love."

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?





LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.





LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - What's a climax?





LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.





LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When you couldn't care less

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.





LOVE - When your farewell is "I Love you, darling..."

LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."

MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.





LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.




LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.




LOVE - When nobody else matters.

LUST - When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.




LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.





LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.




LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your cricket score.

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

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[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

I was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that I normally sleep in.

As he walked in, almost awake, I turned to him and said softly,
"You'vegot to make love to me this very moment!"

His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, He embraced me and then
gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

After wards I said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, my T-shirt still
around my neck.

Happy, buta little puzzled, he asked me, "What was that all about?"

I quickly explained, "The egg timer is broken."

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

Suchan unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexualharassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50 a minute (chargesmay vary).

[billy10 Member Find all posts View Profile Close billy10]

I was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that I normally sleep in.

As he walked in, almost awake, I turned to him and said softly,
"You'vegot to make love to me this very moment!"

His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, He embraced me and then
gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

After wards I said, "Thanks,"and returned to the stove, my T-shirt still
around my neck.

Happy, buta little puzzled, he asked me, "What was that all about?"

I quickly explained, "The egg timer is broken."

Good one but I would enjoy my eggs very hard boiled

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

Good one but I would enjoy my eggs very hard boiled

Ha ha....
PS I'm good in the kitchen.

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

GUINNESSDRINKERS
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks whathe wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from betweenyour tits" he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I getmy husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of yourarse and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do youwant?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill yourpussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetchher husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits andlick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him.. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks andlick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny withGuinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TVback on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints ofGuinness..."

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

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[Guest Close XitemeM]

Thanks for the laughs Kate

[Mikes Mrs Banned Find all posts View Profile Close Mikes Mrs]

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus.
The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old grave yard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the grave yard and sees the nun praying, on her knees.

He says "Behold,I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex withme!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says
"Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[The_Rabbit Junior Member Find all posts View Profile Close The_Rabbit]

One night Joe Schmo goes looking for a bar to get a drink, he finds a new one he's never been to in the yellow pages and decides to check it out.
Upon walking up to the door he notices a donkey standing outside the bar with a lead line attached to a post.
He walks in the door, sits at the counter and orders up a drink. While waiting for his drink he looks around the bar and notices the most peculiar thing, there's a random large jar of money on the far end of the count.
The barkeep soon returns with his drink, and he simply has to ask "What's the jar of money for? Tips or something?"
To this the bartender responds "You saw that donkey out there when you came in, right? Well if you can make that donkey do anything but stand there.. the money is yours."
Joe decides to take the man up on this offer, and heads outside. Five minutes pass, and when he returns the donkey can be heard laughing its ass off so he takes the money and leaves.
A week goes by and Joe decides to head back to the bar. The donkey is still there, lashed to the post by its lead line, and laughter still pouring from its mouth.
Again the same routine of ordering a drink and looking around the bar after walking in, but there's a surprise. Yet another jar of money.
So upon receiving his drink, he again asks the barkeep what the jar of money is for.
Swiftly the man replies "Ever since you came in here last week that donkey still hasn't stopped laughing, and it's giving me a headache. If you can stop him from laughing, the money is yours."
Joe decides that since he could make the deal once he'll try again and sure enough 5 minutes later he's walking out the door with a jar of money as tears pour from the donkey's face.
Another week goes by and back Joe goes to the bar, this time there is not donkey.
When he gets in he sits down and orders a drink only to find ANOTHER jar of money on the counter.
So when he gets his drink he asks the barkeep about it yet again.
To this the man replies "Well obviously that donkey's gone, I couldn't put up with his crying, it was scaring all the customers away. Now I still have an offer to give you for that jar of money. If you tell me how you made that donkey laugh one week, and cry the next then it's yours."
Joe cracks a smile and leans back in his chair "I'll tell you exactly how I did it. The first week? I told the donkey my dick was bigger than his. The next week? I proved it."

[JonPop Retired Sr. Administrator PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close JonPop]

A professor at the Sheffield University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.


To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.


That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.


Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.


That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Has any one of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'


The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.


When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'


Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said "Goats."