4 year relationship struggling...need help

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

This is really long...input greatly appreciated!

My fiancé and I have been dating for four and a half years now. She is also the mother of my two children. I am a recovering porn addict. I have been addicted to porn for about 10 years now. June 1st 2013 is when I first tried to quit but realasped every couple of weeks. I didn't watch it everyday like I did previously, so that is an improvement. I am currently 39 days without watching any porn. I have masturbated to a couple of nude pics durning this less than 5 times.

A little background on our relationship. This addiction has affected our relationship greatly. First porn/daily masturbation has desensitized me and I lose erections frequently during sex. The ED is completely my fault and it hurts her when that happens because she feels like it's because she is ugly or fat, and she really isn't, she is extremely beautiful. She's out of my league to be honest. It also affects my motivation, makes me extremely lazy. I rarely helped her around the house, I was rarely there for her physically, mentally, and emotionally like a man should be for a woman. Earlier in our relationship the porn had me so screwed up that I barely even touched her at all and showed her very little affection at all. She has made comments of how that has made her feel.

Fast forward to now, about 4 weeks ago we had a talk and she told me that she wanted to seperate. That she loves me but she fell out of love with me if that makes sense. She is no longer in love with me, we lost our spark. We agreed that for the kids and our families sake that we should still live together through the holidays and at the 1st of the year I should move out. I have not told any of my family or friends this news yet because I wanted to get through the holidays, but she has told her mom and sister because she is really close to them, and they are kind of shocked because they think I'm a really great guy and I treated her good. Which is somewhat true. I treat her with respect and don't yell or talk to her badly, I was faithful, etc. They just don't know about how affection less I was towards her and the other stuff I mentioned.

Since I quit porn 39 days ago, I have changed a whole lot. I see things more clearly, I have way more motivation. My EQ is way stronger. I've been jelqing/kegeling. I work out and I'm adding muscle. I'm a more positive person. Overall I'm on the right track and I'm heading in the right direction. She is noticing this but right now so much harm has been done that we still have the same plans of seperating. Too much harm has been done imo.

I have been doing stuff for her that I should have been doing the entire relationship this week. Like bringing her lunch to work, getting her a new iPhone 6 (which probably comes off as me trying to buy her love.) getting her flowers, and helping out around the house because she works around 50 hours a week compared to my 40, so when she gets off she doesn't really have much time to clean and she wants to spend the time that she does have off with our kids which is understandable.

Today she told me this through text because she is at work. I offered to bring her lunch and she said no thank you, and then followed up with this.

"I really appreciate you being so sweet and doing these nice things for me but you have to stop. What am I going to Do when you move out? I have to depend on myself."

I agreed that I will stop but I wanted to show her that I cared about her and that I was changing into the person she deserved me to be. I think she really needs space and needs me to back off a little. I'm having a hard time because now that I'm not bonded by my addiction and I see things clearly, I see that I messed up a really good thing. It's killing me inside because I love her dearly, and I want to be together for the kids also. But I know that we can't just stay together for them.

Once the 1st of the year gets here and I actually move out it's going to be extremely hard being away from my kids, after spending everyday with them since they were born. I will still get them but it's not everyday like it was. Also I will be without her. It hurts even thinking about her falling in love with someone else, which could or couldn't happen down the road. It's made me a mess inside. She has mentioned that it's not out of the possibly that we get back together down the road. We just need to see how life is wothout each other for now.

I am struggling with this a lot. I am changing for the better but I just want to get her back. I would love to hear some input on my situation. Especially from TPW if she doesn't mong. Thank you to everyone that read this I appreciate it. I hope it's not too poorly worded.

[aplay69 Senior MemberPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close aplay69]

HueGHawk,

I am sadden by the news of your current situation. This is a tough and terrible place to be in. And with the pending move things are only going to get worst before they get better. A storm is brewing and you must brace yourself for its impact.

Porn addiction is a serious problem. It's a form of sex addiction. It goes much deeper than just quitting cold turkey. To truly kick this habit, you need to find out why you chose this path. This cannot be done alone. You will need the help of a therapist and/or support group to understand the impact it has on this and future relationships of yours.

It seems that your lady is not interested in a reconciliation at this time. So, your top priority at this point is to stabilize the ground beneath you. Find yourself someplace to stay so that when the first of the year comes you have someplace to go.

Then, join a sex addict support group in your area. When the full weight of your separation hits you, you are going to need someone to turn to for support. My fear is that without this you will relapse.

Use this separation period to work on your addiction. If your lady sees that you are serious about working on this problem she may be more inclined to give you a second chance. Either way you come out a better individual for having done so.

Recovery from any form of addiction and its destruction is a long and painful process for all parties involved. Please consider seeing a therapist or joining a support group. There you can get the resources you need to deal with this matter. Good luck to you.

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

Have you explained your porn addiction, its all consuming aspect in your life, its contribution to her current estrangement, and your commitment to overcome it?

Have you told her that you had promised yourself to fight the addiction before she told you she wanted to separate, how this fight has cleared your mind, rekindled your tender feelings for her, and how you realized there are many things you can do to support your family now that you are not shackled?

Perhaps you could ask her for a little more time. Jan 1st sounds meaningful, the romantic idea of turning over a new leaf and all, but without that coincidence is the first really a hard dead-line? Does her morgage drop, insurance bill lessen, or the family income increase on the 1st? If not, why not give you another month or so?

Make it Feb 15th and make the 14th a truly intimate day; not a sappy day just filled with couple's massage and dining but a day where you can share both physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. You will will have to truly work to open your heart to her between now and then so she won't think the whole thing a sham.

Be honest as you share your problem with her, listen to her as she tells you how thus news make her feels, but tell her you need her help to overcome.

[Bigdaddy55 Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Bigdaddy55]

Well you can try talking to her about your addiction. It's a real addiction and many people don't know it. Show her some info on it's effects and your changes aren't because she asked you to leave, but you're dropping your addiction. It might make her think, but if she has already made up her mind or she's fallen out of love (yes it does happen) then it might be too late.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Hey HGH, sorry to hear of your relationship troubles. That does sound like quite the difficult situation.

I understand why you feel that maybe too much damage has been done. That the hurt she feels is just too impactful, and not able to heal at the moment. It is puzzling though, that now everything is moving in a positive direction, she decides a separation is best. Maybe it just built up over time. And as the damage has occurred over time, so will the repair.

I agree, a talk with her is important. She still loves you, and said getting back together is not out of the question. Those are good signs. Maybe this is just a firm wake up call to get it together. And she will need to see some consistent effort (in yourself) to know you're serious.

Letting her know you understand her struggle, and helping her understand yours, may go a long way in easing both of your concerns. See if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling. Four years and kids, love, and positive progress are definitely worth considering giving it a another chance.

Hope all works out well HGH.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

A good wife is near impossible to find. Fuck her man you don't need anyone.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

Shakemasture, while your encouragement may be intended in a good way, I'm not so sure those types of comments are appreciated.

Just because there are challenges in the relationship at the moment, doesn't mean she is not a good wife, and it would be wrong to assume so.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Especially when OP seems to think she is a good wife. He appears sincere, and does not want to throw away the relationship. Some of us do need others.

[shakemasture Banned Find all posts View Profile Close shakemasture]

oh I didn't read anything is just know a good wife is hard to find. no?

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

It depends. With the wrong attitude from a man a good wife can be very hard to find. Hopefully with OP's corrected attitude and some forgiveness and communication he will already have found a good wife.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

A good wife is near impossible to find. Fuck her man you don't need anyone.

oh I didn't read anything is just know a good wife is hard to find. no?

Tread carefully shakemasture...very carefully.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

Hey HueGHawk,

I suspect that after years of enduring the negative impact of porn addiction on you, the relationship and herself, the decision to separate is the only option she feels she has left at this time. The fact that she is willing to leave an otherwise good man, the father of her babies and life partner for a future of uncertainty is a testament to the sense of hopelessness she is feeling.

What she requires is a better option and some sound assurances. She needs to believe (again) that a life with you would be better than a life on her own.

So you need to ask her what she requires from you to convince her that this time will be different and better.

She needs to know that her wants/needs will no longer be secondary to yours; that she is important to you because of who she and not simply because she is the mother of your children.

She needs to know that she has a loving partner who is willing to share in the raising of a family and the running of the home.

The important thing is not to make idle promises - if you are unsure that you can do what she asks then say so and seek a compromise or an alternative solution instead. Perhaps suggest that you remain in the home for the time being to allow you time to implement these positive changes. If she says she requires space, suggest you sleep separately for now, that you will be co-habiting only at this time.

The key is to work together to find viable options that are beneficial to both of you and renews her faith, trust and hope in your relationship.

[popol5169 Senior Member Member of the Month Nov 2014 Find all posts View Profile Close popol5169]

As Namso suggested, you should tell her all about your porn addiction, how it messed you up, and how you decided to change, and actually did change to become better and escape from its grasp.
I don't think you should stop showing signs of your affection, I just don't believe gift will change anything, but daily help, moves toward her are more likely to stick in the long run.
Who knows, the only thing you have control on is yourself, improve, feel better about what you are, show your affection and care (without being too desperate either), and time may solve the problem. Perhaps time spent together without the kids could help, perhaps time off from each other could help too. Time off from each other and then a few days alone together?
You seem aware of your own mistakes, aware of what you want, and you have set your feet on the path to recovery, so this is very positive. Will this recovery trigger an other one, I don't know.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Thank you to everyone that has replied to me I appreciate it. TPW, we currently are sleeping separate right now. I do have two places lined up that I can go to any time I need be that are family members. So that part isn't an issue. She does know about my porn addiction. Early on in our relationship she saw my porn history on my laptop numerous times. I would try to convince her that it was completely normal. Which it isn't. Once I found this site last year, I told her that when I was growing up I had this addiction. She didn't really understand it and thought that it should be something that should I should be able to quit easily.

The thing is this isn't out of nowhere that she just decided to separate. I now see that with not have my mind so screwed up from porn. During these past 4 months or so she has said numerous times she wasn't happy, that I need to grow up and help her out more, etc. She has let me know that she wants to fell protected by me and craves my affection. I was too blinded by the porn to fix myself. So yes I am going down the right path. But it took her telling me we should separate to wake me up. I'm doing really good right now and she is taking notice. I think she really needs to see what life is without me before we jump back in. Or the same problems might surface again.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Hugeghawk, I'm jumpin' right to the reply. It might have been said already but I'm giving you MY advice/rendition.

First off and MOST important.....at this point do you REALLY REALLY love her and are you staying with her because of this, or are you afraid to be alone?? Are you afraid to be without someone?? It takes A LOT of effort and LIFE to be with someone for Love and Family. Sometimes we get comfortable,,,,and it looks like something else. Lets be honest, 10 years of possibly neglecting your woman is a long time for her to put up with shit. Yes I said put up with shit,,,,,because while it looks one way to us, it looks another way to her/them/woman.

Since I'm not in your shoes, I can only speculate, just as anyone else here can. Only you really know what the heck is going on. At this point you already probably know if you can or cannot fix it,,,,,,it's a gut feeling. Think of it like your addiction to porn,,,,you want that self gratification FAST. Well sometimes the "FIXING" process just ain't gonna be fast!!!!

Now there can be other reasons too. I'm only talking about you,,,,but your woman has a life and a mind too.......she might be harboring "messed up feelings" in her mind too. No offense, but she may not be mentally "PERFECT" either. Neither of you. In fact NONE OF THE WORLD IS PERFECT,,,,,,,,,and I gotta say, ESPECIALLY ME!! There, now I'm off the hook too. IF you have a job, money, a place,,,,,give her space, and don't bug her. Start thinking about continuing your own Healing and repair. Sometimes you gotta say Fuc* everyone!!! How can things get better if you are not better. 39 days sounds like a lot, but compared to 10 years,,,,,,well if you call yourself an addict, it isn't going to be easy to get over,,,,,,,at least not yet!! Regardless of who is at fault, you have an obligation to yourself. Become the best person you can be,,,,learn to be a good man, husband, provider, father, worker,,,,etc.....and NO ONE CAN FAULT YOU. You are human and allowed to mess up. Just don't consider any cardinal sins. Pray alot, exercise and do your best. Look for answers in your heart. Good luck with everything and I'll be here to kick you when you get out of line,,,,,just like everyone else here. That's what friends do!!