4 year relationship struggling...need help

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

@Dr. Frank, what all does the written statement have to include? If we agree on a set schedule for visitation do we still need to go to court? I do live in the US. Costly court fees and attorney fees is something I want to avoid if possible. I know if I have to though, it's something that does have to be done:

I am sorry man. I don't know exactly what would be required. However, the clerk of court for your location should have parenting plan requirements and examples on their website. I understand not being able to get an attorney in some cases. It's sometimes just not possible. Maybe do some research on law/divorce/custody oriented websites?

At the very least, I would say anything that can be used to show that she agreed to a visitation plan would be useful to an attorney if, God forbid, something ever happened.

Attorney consultations are often free. And at least you might get an idea of what you're dealing with. The end of a relationship is overwhelming enough without having to worry about the potential legal issues that might come up.

I guess the one point I would make if I could, is that the more of a legal agreement you can get nailed down at this time, the better.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Thanks for your advice I will look into it!

[Thatbdd Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thatbdd]

TGD has some great advice IMO, at least as far as getting her back/ to want you again is concerned.

Also if you gave it to her good the last time you guys had sex (and it was great like you say), and felt great and confident afterwards, then if I were you, I would ride that wave out all the way to the shore and not have sex with her again until shes basically begging for it, because If nothing else, she'll remember how good it was the last time you gave it to her. And that could play in her mind.

You really don't know for sure if you'll be able to attain that same confidence level and great feeling you got from your last encounter if you happen to have sex again.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

@Dr. Frank, what all does the written statement have to include? If we agree on a set schedule for visitation do we still need to go to court? I do live in the US. Costly court fees and attorney fees is something I want to avoid if possible. I know if I have to though, it's something that does have to be done:

All states are a bit different but if you two agree on a parenting plan then you can write it together and submit the paper work yourselves for a filing fee. People can even file for divorce without attorneys as long as they are in agreement.

If you do separate I would highly encourage you to do so. Things can change afterwards and it will be worth it to have something in writing even if you need a loan for a lawyer. It may seem expensive but a few thousand dollars is well worth the cost compared to what could happen later.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

No. He's an addict.

He's using porn as a means of covering up undesirable feelings, much like how an alcoholic will drink to deal with stress, depression, feelings of loneliness, etc. It's a coping too, not a disease.

Under these circumstances he's really using these rules for himself and not her. He's got to lose her in order to understand why it is he's dissociating into porn. Key word: DISSOCIATION

Not all alcoholics use booze as a coping tool. Some are actually physically addicted to alcohol. Some get addicted for no other reason than socially drinking too much even when in a great relationship.

There is no need for him to lose her to find out why he does what he does. He knows it is a problem and he knows the problem is his based on nothing from his lady. It is possible that there is nothing he is lacking because of her. It is not an automatic that it is disassociation. It could very well be that he is mentally addicted to it because it gives him temporary mental stimulation.

My addictions had absolutely nothing to do with my wife, she did not feed into my issues, she married a man that had them all along. It was me and me alone that did harm to my marriage at that time. She did not neglect me, I was an addict plain and true and I still am. The only difference is that I no longer touch what ailed me but even if I never do I will be an addict for the rest of my life. The good thing is that my desire to stay with my family is now stronger than my urge to smoke up $300.00 to $400.00 dollars of rock.

Sometimes a problem in a marriage can actually be ones and ones alone, unfortunately it will affect the innocent one as well as the not so innocent.

[TPW Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2013 Find all posts View Profile Close TPW]

TPW,

That is true and I will talk to her about it. How can I add a spark to our relationship without buying her stuff. I have already bought her flowers a lot of them, got her a new phone, brought lunch several times, left her little notes that said she was beautiful and stuff like that in her car...she has stated that she doesn't want me to buy her love. Any other ideas?

Hey HueGHawk,

If you are still interested in knowing my opinion regarding the above concern, let me know.

[Thatbdd Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Thatbdd]

Wait where is my 2nd post!? Cool I see how it is. I take my time to give my 2 cents and I guess it was frowned upon and removed by some higher up, thanks PE Gym

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

Wait where is my 2nd post!? Cool I see how it is. I take my time to give my 2 cents and I guess it was frowned upon and removed by some higher up, thanks PE Gym

How many posts have you made on this thread? I only see three and there is no report of any posts deleted from this thread nor does it show that any of your posts were edited by anyone.

[namsokiek Banned Find all posts View Profile Close namsokiek]

HueGHawk,

I don't think the prescription offered by TGD is wholly applicable to your situation. I agree with the sentiment that you can't make her want you to stay but the prescription doesn't appear to be in your best interest.

I would recommend a couple things for your consideration:
1. talk to her about your feelings, addiction, and your desire to not have your kids grow up with separated parents.
2. acknowledge her feelings regarding your past neglect
3. inform her that you are willing to work to rekindle the spark and are willing to start from square-one if necessary (i.e. don't try to solve the problem with sex, restore the complete intimacy before sex)
4. start courting her. Take her on "dates" where you're not purchasing her affection but rather making her the object of your affection. This will involve paying for a babysitter and going on walks together, get reacquainted with her by talking to her, spending time together, laughing and hanging out. You can go to dinner but don't bother dropping a lot of money to do it. Take her to a favorite hang-out to eat and relax.
5. spend time holding hands, give casual and friendly kisses, and hold each other while watching TV or a movie together. Make the effort to rekindle the relationship. This takes time just like it did when you first got together.
6. You will need her to be a willing participant in this work. You don't know how much damage you have done to the relationship until you try to fix it.

These things will let her know that you value the relationship and you are willing to work to maintain it. However, this is a two way street. She must support your work. If she refuses then some of the things on TGD's list will apply. You may have to take action to protect your interests; joint custody agreements, child support agreements, and moving out; but don't put these as option A, or your efforts to get back together will look like an ultimatum.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

For me Namso's post is perfect. This is what I think you should do. Communication is key.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Namso your plan sounds fantastic! Thanks man. It will be my plan A and plan B will be TGD's! I am willing to put in the effort and I hope she is too!

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@BigO...my addition to porn is because of the feeling of it. I started watching it while I was younger and loved the rush it gave me. I was instant sex so to speak. I was to shy to talk to any girls at highschool so I used porn to escape reality. The urge I got was greatest when I first logged onto the porn site. Man that high was great. After that I would click through video after video to match that rush and never felt it. After I just spent

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

Sorry didn't mean to hit sumbmit. I'm on mobile and don't know how to edit my post to finish it. But anyways...after spending and hour or so watching the pron and after I ejacuated the guilt, loneliness, and depression I felt was unreal. It was the organism I was searching for, it was that first rush.

I later found out that the "rush" I was searching for everyday was actually a dophamine rush. I now get a similar rush with working out. I'm really proud of myself though because this is the longest I have been since I can remember without watching any porn. Yes I have slipped up a couple times looking at nudes. But it's been less than 5 times in 40+ days. And a couple of those times have been to nudes of my girlfriend. Now my new goal is to continue no porn, but to also cut my masturbation down to 1-2 times a week or less.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

HueGHawk,

I don't think the prescription offered by TGD is wholly applicable to your situation. I agree with the sentiment that you can't make her want you to stay but the prescription doesn't appear to be in your best interest.

I would recommend a couple things for your consideration:
1. talk to her about your feelings, addiction, and your desire to not have your kids grow up with separated parents.
2. acknowledge her feelings regarding your past neglect
3. inform her that you are willing to work to rekindle the spark and are willing to start from square-one if necessary (i.e. don't try to solve the problem with sex, restore the complete intimacy before sex)
4. start courting her. Take her on "dates" where you're not purchasing her affection but rather making her the object of your affection. This will involve paying for a babysitter and going on walks together, get reacquainted with her by talking to her, spending time together, laughing and hanging out. You can go to dinner but don't bother dropping a lot of money to do it. Take her to a favorite hang-out to eat and relax.
5. spend time holding hands, give casual and friendly kisses, and hold each other while watching TV or a movie together. Make the effort to rekindle the relationship. This takes time just like it did when you first got together.
6. You will need her to be a willing participant in this work. You don't know how much damage you have done to the relationship until you try to fix it.

These things will let her know that you value the relationship and you are willing to work to maintain it. However, this is a two way street. She must support your work. If she refuses then some of the things on TGD's list will apply. You may have to take action to protect your interests; joint custody agreements, child support agreements, and moving out; but don't put these as option A, or your efforts to get back together will look like an ultimatum.

This is good advice for later on, but right now is not a good time to be talking about the relationship, holding hands, going out on dates, or having sex. Those are all things that happen later when things have calmed down and there's no desperation. The reason why I'm telling him to pull away is because they both need time to cool off and think.

If he were to start pursuing her like he did before it could be seen as chasing and that would make her want him less. Because she's made up her mind, and him trying to woo her is going to seem manipulative. As contradictory as it sounds if he wants her he's got to stop wanting her and agree to the separation.

And right now she's pushing him away and doesn't deserve all the attention he's giving her. If you had made up your mind about dumping an ex you wouldn't like it if they kept trying convince you to take them back. You would feel disrespected from having your boundaries crossed and feel a little guilty about having to reject them when they keep trying to be your friend again. That is why giving gifts and chasing them is a bad idea, it just reminds them of how guilty they feel for leaving you.

I have a feeling after he signs the separation papers that she's going to be more receptive to him, simply because she'll have gotten what she's wanted and there won't be any pressure to stop her from leaving. From what I've seen on talkaboutmarriage.com in the separation and divorce section (and from my own experience), once the papers are signed and both partners are just waiting during the grace period before court they start talking again without any pressure to be together and they talk about the issues they were having in marriage that they hadn't before. Essentially they start over, and many find thing out about themselves and their partner that either draw them closer or further apart. But keep in mind that he may not want her back after he's accepted her leaving. All of this could be a blessing in disguise.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@tpw I would love to hear any opinion you have! You give great advice!