4 year relationship struggling...need help

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

Pretty good TGD, however because of porn he is the wayward party. Do the same rules apply?

Here's a bit of further information regarding the context of the list.

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

Pretty good TGD, however because of porn he is the wayward party. Do the same rules apply?

No. He's an addict.

He's using porn as a means of covering up undesirable feelings, much like how an alcoholic will drink to deal with stress, depression, feelings of loneliness, etc. It's a coping too, not a disease.

Under these circumstances he's really using these rules for himself and not her. He's got to lose her in order to understand why it is he's dissociating into porn. Key word: DISSOCIATION

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

If you are not married but have children with this woman you really should consult an attorney if you have not already. Regardless of the outcome,* the rights of unwed fathers are not very well protected.


*Edit: regardless of the outcome of your current situation.

Listen to this man. Courts are not always fair when it comes to father's rights.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

I understand the ideas professed by groups like MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) etc. However dissociation is definitely a sign of a disease not necessarily a coping tool. Either way he remains the wayward party and at least 50/50 consideration needs to be given to his girlfriend. Pretending she is the wayward party does not fit OP's stated circumstances. If anything I think he should read your list as if she should follow your advice and decide how he should respond. At least that is my input from the peanut gallery.

[Park Lib Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Park Lib]

I know it's a bit late for this (or perhaps not) but if you realised and she realised that you have a porn problem/addiction, should either of you not have challenged it earlier? I don't understand why people are willing to let problems fester and worsen rather than tackling them head-on once they are identified. It's like the person who is noticeably gaining weight to unhealthy levels and once they realise their folly they require surgery or something equally serious. I guess we all need a short, sharp shock to motivate us and I hope you find the correct path for you. Sorry, I know this wasn't particularly supportive.

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

16. Is the biggest one for me. She doesn't think that I believe that this is really happening. Once I move out I have a gut feeling and her sister has a feeling that it won't be long and she'll want me back once she realizes that it is a lot harder being a single mother than she thinks. I have mentioned at first that I would move in with my grandparents or parents. But since then I have mentioned just getting an apartment on my own because I'm not going to live with them forever. She kind of changes her tone then and keeps saying you should move in with your parents. Which makes me believe that she doesn't want me to move into an apartment because that will be a lot more permanent and we will officially be separated then.

[BigO AdministratorPEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close BigO]

You are fine man. I understand your comment moving on to the next one. Because most probably would. But this woman really means a lot to me and sadly I am just realizing this, when really it's probably too late. If I didn't have kids with her it would probably make it a little easier too. I'm not just doing it for the kids I really do care for her a whole lot. But they are also apart of the equation.

I've mentioned this before but I hated growing up without my parents being together. I would be jealous of other kids that had theirs together. I always said that I never wanted my kids to go through the same thing I did. Now I realize that it can't always work out that way but if I have a chance to make it work then I'm going to give 110% effort to make it work. We were both young so the odds have always been against us. But I know now that if porn wasn't a problem for me and I showed her the attention she needed then we wouldn't be in this situation. I got comfortable. I thought I could do whatever I wanted to do and whatever I didn't want to do and she would always stay with me. I stopped courting her. I stopped being romantic (really didn't ever start fully the way I am capable of doing) I made a ton of mistakes, that's life I understand that. But now I'm trying to learn from them and better myself. Let my actions speak instead of words.

I dont post this much but I have been where you are now. The big difference was that my demon was crack cocaine. I put everything on the back burnere and my wife decided to leave me and it was a real situation. The reality of it put my ass into check. I may be the man of the house and generally do make the big decisions but this one time she made a stand, she was going to leave and there was no doubt.

She went away for a week and when she came home she said she was done, I finally broke down and realized just how much she meant to me although for so long I took her for granted.

I thought everything was OK and I was safe and no one would leave, i was wrong and that reality made me stronger and more determined man brother. I can say from experience that you can change this situation and win her back. There is no guarantee but you do have a chance.

The fact that the threat of losing my family was so strong and so real that I quit something that had me by the balls for over 3 years. Sometimes all it takes to fix you is reality.

Keep being who you are now and if she believes it then you have a chance, if its a front you will lose but i feel deep down that you will not fall again.

I am pulling for you man.

One more thing, Shakemasture, if you are reading this you are a punk ass little bitch of a boy. You will never post in these forums again.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

I understand the ideas professed by groups like MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) etc. However dissociation is definitely a sign of a disease not necessarily a coping tool. Either way he remains the wayward party and at least 50/50 consideration needs to be given to his girlfriend. Pretending she is the wayward party does not fit OP's stated circumstances. If anything I think he should read your list as if she should follow your advice and decide how he should respond. At least that is my input from the peanut gallery.

Ok, ignore the term wayward. The list of rules I gave was from a site for those affected by wayward cheaters, and it's not at all relevant here because neither one is having a physical or emotional affair.

Dissociation isn't a sign of a disease, it's a coping tool used by those who cannot deal with reality. Besides those with addictions you see it a lot with people dealing with depression, PTSD, childhood neglect and abuse, and some mental disorders. It's a way of escaping reality for a while.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

16. Is the biggest one for me. She doesn't think that I believe that this is really happening. Once I move out I have a gut feeling and her sister has a feeling that it won't be long and she'll want me back once she realizes that it is a lot harder being a single mother than she thinks. I have mentioned at first that I would move in with my grandparents or parents. But since then I have mentioned just getting an apartment on my own because I'm not going to live with them forever. She kind of changes her tone then and keeps saying you should move in with your parents. Which makes me believe that she doesn't want me to move into an apartment because that will be a lot more permanent and we will officially be separated then.

I felt bad about your situation before. But I didn't want to give relationship advice. However, my understanding of your situation has changed. The most important relationship you need to protect right now is the one you have with your children. And on that, I have grave advice.

Get an attorney. But even if you don't get an attorney, work out a written agreement for child visitation before you leave the family home. I am assuming you are in the United States. If so then she has all of the parental rights and you do not have an inherent right to visit your children. By getting a written agreement before you leave you will be at least creating a precedent for visitation. An attorney may be able to use that if you run into problems later.

And even if she is the most reasonable woman in the World and would never keep you from your children, you don't know who she may live with later on, or how manipulative and controlling he may be.

If you need other motivation. Well, at least discussing visitation and creating a parenting plan will show her just how serious you are.

[drfrankencock Senior Member Member of the Month Oct 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close drfrankencock]

Wow. There's a whole fucking lot of emotion in this thread right now. And it's all really good. Even if it's about really bad stuff, and some of it doesn't feel too good, it's still all really good. <3

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

16. Is the biggest one for me. She doesn't think that I believe that this is really happening. Once I move out I have a gut feeling and her sister has a feeling that it won't be long and she'll want me back once she realizes that it is a lot harder being a single mother than she thinks. I have mentioned at first that I would move in with my grandparents or parents. But since then I have mentioned just getting an apartment on my own because I'm not going to live with them forever. She kind of changes her tone then and keeps saying you should move in with your parents. Which makes me believe that she doesn't want me to move into an apartment because that will be a lot more permanent and we will officially be separated then.

Are you telling her you're leaving, or are you trying to manipulate her into wanting you back?

Honestly, I wouldn't leave if I were you. If things go south she can claim to the court you abandoned her and get an unfair advantage with things like child support and custody. You're better off doing an in-house separation unless you absolutely cannot be near her or she's abusive and you feel your life is at stake.

Of course, you could always file first and be the prosecutor and not the defendant. That would change things a whole lot, and your only concern would be what goes on paper before mediation.

[TheGreatDivider Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2015 Find all posts View Profile Close TheGreatDivider]

The devil explains how addiction works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAEfeNLKwd0

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@Dr. Frank, what all does the written statement have to include? If we agree on a set schedule for visitation do we still need to go to court? I do live in the US. Costly court fees and attorney fees is something I want to avoid if possible. I know if I have to though, it's something that does have to be done:

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@BigO I can't express how appreicative I am to hear your words of encouragement. It's sad that it has taken me this long to wake up and finally realize I have a problem. Hearing success stories really does give me hope though! Thanks man!

[HueGHawk Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close HueGHawk]

@TGD right now we are doing an in-house separation. We still live together.