Update to my life.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

My ex of almost 20yrs was BPD for sure. Her own family recognizes it, sad she can't but is what it is and I tried my best.

I really have no clue how long my ex is/was BPD. My heart really goes out for and to her. Really. But a special breed of people fall in love with the executioner....I should say "knowingly" fall in love with the executioner. Had I have known, I probably would have wished her a nice evening and gone my way.

As far as her family goes: They are probably the initial cause of it, stemming from when she was a child. What I'm about to say, the EX has said and recognizes. Mother is abusive and a "runaround", children from multiple husbands, and sex with many, drunk and disorderly (which mother thinks perfectly ok and comical, she's told me). Brother: pretty much an asshole jerk, by her terms. He was very instrumental in our breakup. Step Sisters: controlling bitches with no regard for others. One sister has 4 or 5 kids from different fathers. Step Father: ex druggie, alcoholic, abuser, etc. Biological Father: THE NICEST GUY YOU'D WANNA MEET!! (go figure), First Husband: Controlling Manipulator and mindfucker. Played subliminal tapes to daughter while sleeping.....she'll have problems eventually. He cheated and ran off with co-worker. Second Husband: Scumbag, excon, all around loser low life scum. Was in prison for 10 years and never told anyone. Never had photos or anything to share with my ex, and obviously she never questioned him. She found out about the jail term when she applied for the divorce. He was SUPER abusive and controlling and manipulative. There is a 9yo little girl between the two of them and she's got PROBLEMS!

And then there is me. Gave her everything and anything including my life! And now we're thru.

All these things I did not see as an issue or red flag. I just said: "oh well, people have problems, we'll get over them." Not with BPD. Learn the warning signs if you don't know about this devastating condition. I still love her and she dropped me like an old donut bag full of crumbs.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Just a few words of wisdom. Wayne Dyer, Trent Shelton and other inspirational videos go a long way in the battle of getting back to being human after a loss. Time is the healer.

[downthere Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close downthere]

DW...I've been wondering how you've been doing. I gotta go for now but fully intend on reading this thread tomorrow. My wife's had a bad day, so I'm gonna rub her feet.

[Mrs. workin_4_it Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close Mrs. workin_4_it]

Please know that it was not your fault and you are not alone. No matter how hard you would have kept trying, you could have done nothing to save the relationship. You can't rationalize with a mentally unstable person.

Writing down all of your good qualities and reading them everyday will help heal your mind. Also, write down where you want to be in 6 months and then write how you will accomplish it will be very beneficial to your healing process.

You are a stronger and better man for going through this. Your life is now what you make of it good or bad. You have a great support system here on the gym as well as with your son. You are coming out of the tunnel of darkness and you can see a glimpse of that bright light. Just keep following it and don't look back.

I am always here for you if you ever need to talk.
Hugs my friend.

[JurassicBone Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close JurassicBone]

W

[lookinggoodfeelinggood Member Find all posts View Profile Close lookinggoodfeelinggood]

Include her on your prayers. For what I've read, the family is much fucked up. All the best to you. God bless.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Please know that it was not your fault and you are not alone. No matter how hard you would have kept trying, you could have done nothing to save the relationship. You can't rationalize with a mentally unstable person.

Writing down all of your good qualities and reading them everyday will help heal your mind. Also, write down where you want to be in 6 months and then write how you will accomplish it will be very beneficial to your healing process.

You are a stronger and better man for going through this. Your life is now what you make of it good or bad. You have a great support system here on the gym as well as with your son. You are coming out of the tunnel of darkness and you can see a glimpse of that bright light. Just keep following it and don't look back.

I am always here for you if you ever need to talk.
Hugs my friend.

Thank you Mrs workin_4_it, that means a lot coming from you. Yep, I go thru unnecessary suffering on a regular basis because of what this relationship has done to me. It put me on a path that is totally foreign to me and full of potholes, cracks, detours and roadsigns in foreign words. I don't wish it on anyone, and I offer a prayer for who ever needs it. I cannot stress enough that one of the worse parts of the entire 4 year journey was that she didn't level with me about having an issue.(to put it nicely) I had to find out on my own and then leave while I was as far down as I could be. Had I a clue of what was going on when I got into things, I would have at least had a choice to remain or flee. I just might have stayed with her, but all the more intelligent for knowing. :-)

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Include her on your prayers. For what I've read, the family is much fucked up. All the best to you. God bless.

I do. Her and her daughter. They were my priorities and my loves. When I can banish the anger and bewilderment, I pray for them. I love them still and probably always will. Seems that nothing that happens diminishes my love. I'm convinced that it's a sign of a sincere true love I have for her/them. It doesn't do me any good to deny it or try to hide it. It means nothing to the ex (bpd) because she doesn't process feeling and emotion the same way I do, but nonetheless she is and was a part of my life that was not supposed to be over. We hadn't been thru ANYTHING that could not be remedied. BPD was/is the limiting factor. So tuff even to this day. Thank you.

[closed224 Senior Member Member of the Month Dec 2014, Feb 2017 Find all posts View Profile Close closed224]

Well DW, here we are... Still, and I too will always be here for you. It is truly amazing the trouble, the manipulation, the havoc a person suffering from this disorder can create. Yes no one can do to us what we don't allow... Maybe, I don't really believe that to be true. I am surrounded by BPD issues, even now. If someone wants to change enough and works for that change enough it should be possible for the change to take place. Use Teflon mind to let the negative pass through. Don't take it in and let it ruin you anymore.
There is a season, and a reason for every thing under the sun. There is no guarantee we will understand it but there should be some comfort knowing the reason exists. The unwitting duped are often the most malicious after realizing they have been duped. Lashing out at anyone around them. Hardening their hearts against the wrongs they have committed while under the BPD spell. Avoid that trap my brother. Even against yourself. Be kind, gentle, and forgiving to yourself.
It is now the time and season for healing. Let go. See you on the other side when we get there.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Well DW, here we are... Still, and I too will always be here for you. It is truly amazing the trouble, the manipulation, the havoc a person suffering from this disorder can create. Yes no one can do to us what we don't allow... Maybe, I don't really believe that to be true. I am surrounded by BPD issues, even now. If someone wants to change enough and works for that change enough it should be possible for the change to take place. Use Teflon mind to let the negative pass through. Don't take it in and let it ruin you anymore.
There is a season, and a reason for every thing under the sun. There is no guarantee we will understand it but there should be some comfort knowing the reason exists. The unwitting duped are often the most malicious after realizing they have been duped. Lashing out at anyone around them. Hardening their hearts against the wrongs they have committed while under the BPD spell. Avoid that trap my brother. Even against yourself. Be kind, gentle, and forgiving to yourself.
It is now the time and season for healing. Let go. See you on the other side when we get there.

First off Wishful10x8, thank you! And I hope the other side you refer to is "normalcy" and not death!! LOL

Everyday it boggles my mind to think about all the grief my ex was part of. I put it that way because you are right about being receptive to behaviour we just don't want. I'm healing for certain, but it's going slow. As of yesterday, I'm going to the gym to get physically better again. I can see how I've deteriorated over the past 4 years. Coulda been worse right? Sorry you have your issues too. I know we all don't have the opportunity, need, or even want, to want to drop our exes or significant others to escape for the hills. One thing I do know is that I will NEVER be the same, my life has changed. But I bet that my exes life remains the same, if you want to consider it f'ed up, so be it, but I know I have changed. But where can I get a job as a therapist without credentials!! Thanks wishful, and everyone!!

[jockinthebox Retired Moderator Member of the Month May 2015PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close jockinthebox]

Glad to see you're posting again. DW! I too share a bit of grief in common with you and BPD. It's with you always, and I find years later, I constantly have to keep my guard up for something crazy coming out of nowhere. Good news is, it does get better with time, or at least your ability to accept it (in the sense of the "Serenity Prayer"). Keep the faith, every day you just put one foot in front of the other, and eventually you're down the road... where a fresh new breeze is wafting the musk of new female in the air....sounds good doesn't it? You'll get there, We're here for you.

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Glad to see you're posting again. DW! I too share a bit of grief in common with you and BPD. It's with you always, and I find years later, I constantly have to keep my guard up for something crazy coming out of nowhere. Good news is, it does get better with time, or at least your ability to accept it (in the sense of the "Serenity Prayer"). Keep the faith, every day you just put one foot in front of the other, and eventually you're down the road... where a fresh new breeze is wafting the musk of new female in the air....sounds good doesn't it? You'll get there, We're here for you.

Damn that sounds good!! Which part? ALL OF IT!!! LOL

Okay, I kinda hope that the female stank comes my way first!!! But right you are, it all takes friggin' time. I'll be waitin' on it though! Thanks Jockinthebox!! If you ever need to talk, just pm me. I'm here for you and everyone also!! :-)

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

...and by the way, Thank you Jockinthebox for welcoming me back, and thanks everyone that might feel the same. It's good to be back, I never really left, it's just that I've been in a bad way. That may be lifting more than it's ever been. :-)

[theLog Senior Member Find all posts View Profile Close theLog]

As far as her family goes: They are probably the initial cause of it, stemming from when she was a child. What I'm about to say, the EX has said and recognizes. Mother is abusive and a "runaround", children from multiple husbands, and sex with many, drunk and disorderly (which mother thinks perfectly ok and comical, she's told me). Brother: pretty much an asshole jerk, by her terms. He was very instrumental in our breakup. Step Sisters: controlling bitches with no regard for others. One sister has 4 or 5 kids from different fathers. Step Father: ex druggie, alcoholic, abuser, etc. Biological Father: THE NICEST GUY YOU'D WANNA MEET!! (go figure),

Wow... interchange "mother" with "father" and that is near exactly a history of someone I might (used to) know...

I love how you are focusing on love instead of bowing down and letting hatred wash over you (which I wouldn't remotely even blame you for if you did ).

Now that the dust is starting to settle I wish you clarity & peace. Like a limb gone numb waking again, it feels foreign to be "back in the driver seat of your own mind."

But dammit you are back in the driver seat. Good for you & sincerely glad to see it!

[Dick Whammy Retired Moderator Member of the month Jan 2014PEGym Hero Find all posts View Profile Close Dick Whammy]

Wow... interchange "mother" with "father" and that is near exactly a history of someone I might (used to) know...

I love how you are focusing on love instead of bowing down and letting hatred wash over you (which I wouldn't remotely even blame you for if you did ).

Now that the dust is starting to settle I wish you clarity & peace. Like a limb gone numb waking again, it feels foreign to be "back in the driver seat of your own mind."

But dammit you are back in the driver seat. Good for you & sincerely glad to see it!

Thank you theLog, A lot of our stories are so so similar. But I am guilty of being on and off with love and hate, it''s just the way the ball rolls. It's hard to stay perfectly calm and loving when you tote around so much that has happened to you. I'm working on it. Thank you, it's good to "drive" again, although I'm way under the speed limit for now ;-) It sickens me at times that so many people suffer so very much worse than I did/am. I try to help everyone in my path that I can now. It's like a movie called THEY LIVE. When a certain type of "glasses" were put on, you could see all the aliens around you that you didn't know were there. Same here, I had no clue about mental disorders and personality disorders until 2012. It all came slowly into focus and then it was damn overwhelming. Knowing I'm not the only one is comforting, but the pain is still there and the knowing about all this is haunting!!

Thank you theLog.